Broccoli Regular Fantagian
Posts : 203 Join date : 2012-06-16 Age : 24
| Subject: Unknown.. Chapter 1 Sun Jul 22, 2012 7:16 pm | |
| Well Guys.. I was really bored last night so I decided to write a story On A Man named Steve (please suggest a last name I just realized sTeve collins is a comedy actor) Who thinks he witnessed a murder, but he's the murderer. So please Read.. proof-read. And Tips would be appreciated.. - Spoiler:
Chapter 1 – The Ward My mind becomes a blur as I see the red and green fade into each other, then all there is, is the darkness - emptiness. I wake to see a very bright light, I feel dead, enlightened in a way. “He's coming to”, I hear in the distance as I stop to think where I am, my breath quickens. I see flashes of green, a forest it seem quite familiar then I see it, a boy with his throat slit. I try to clear my mind, no, no I shout for some reason the picture won't leave my mind. Suddenly I feel a sharp pain on my shoulder, My eyes instantly open I see a man next to me. Why hello, he beams “I see you've woken, I was actually starting to get worried”. “Where am I?”, I ask in panic, for the first time I notice that my throat is dry. Don't worry he assures, you were out cold in the forest while there was a murder as you were adventuring through the woods, the murderer must have thought you would recognize him, so he knocked you out. You had some internal bleeding on your cheek but it's nothing to worry about, it will heal with time. I raise my hand to my cheek, “do I need further inspection or may I leave..” I ask politely. I'm not quite sure, hold on a sec. I watch as he leans over my bed and pushes a button, a woman answers, “how may I help you?” she questions, “Ivy it's me, Liam” the male nurse says, “May Mr. Collins leave the hospital?” “Yes, Mr. Collins was supposed to leave 2 hours ago.” Ivy rings out. Well, I guess you got your answer then Mr. Collins, there won't be a bill.
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Harry Ultimate Fantagian
Posts : 7654 Join date : 2012-07-16 Age : 24 Location : with you ;)
| Subject: Re: Unknown.. Chapter 1 Sun Jul 22, 2012 8:00 pm | |
| It's good. You just need to be a little more descriptive of the characters and scene. If you put how your main character was feeling it would make your story amazing. | |
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mich Hero Fantagian
Posts : 6190 Join date : 2012-06-02 Age : 21 Location : purgatory
| Subject: Re: Unknown.. Chapter 1 Sun Jul 22, 2012 8:12 pm | |
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Broccoli Regular Fantagian
Posts : 203 Join date : 2012-06-16 Age : 24
| Subject: Re: Unknown.. Chapter 1 Sun Jul 22, 2012 8:24 pm | |
| - Tikaani wrote:
- It's good. You just need to be a little more descriptive of the characters and scene. If you put how your main character was feeling it would make your story amazing.
Thank YOU SO MUCH! Please spread the word and get other people to comment on this please rlly need advice.. | |
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Squirtle Ultimate Fantagian
Posts : 8791 Join date : 2011-12-04 Age : 21 Location : Somewhere
| Subject: Re: Unknown.. Chapter 1 Sun Jul 22, 2012 9:46 pm | |
| i is really good but there are some spelling errors | |
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| Subject: Re: Unknown.. Chapter 1 | |
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