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 Kewl Beans

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Cherry
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PostSubject: Kewl Beans   Tue Oct 30, 2012 2:43 pm

Here, it's for English
And I am not done w/ it yet
Help?

Isabella White
And The Witch

There once was a girl named Isabella White, who lived in a small town, in England . She had long brown hair, with deep blue eyes. She lived in a house all by herself, and she was a clothes weaver at her very own shop. Everyday she woke up went in town to a teashop to get a bit to eat, and go back to her house (which was also her shop) and weave clothes for people. Knock! Knock! A old woman (rather ugly too) came in from the door and wanted her to make a dress for her. The old woman was very precise about what she wanted the dress to look like, and so Isabella listened. Isabella said to the women that she would start the next day, because she had much more other garments to make. The woman was not so happy about that. Right when Isabella went into the back to show what types of thread she had for the dress, the women vanished.
Once Isabella woke up the next day, she went to the teashop and asked the tea brewer about the old women.
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Velocity
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PostSubject: Re: Kewl Beans   Tue Oct 30, 2012 3:10 pm

Seems interesting so far, but my question is, what do you need help with? Continuing it, checking for mistakes, tips, etc?
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Cherry
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PostSubject: Re: Kewl Beans   Tue Oct 30, 2012 5:22 pm

Oh no, it's fine
Here it is now

Isabella White

There once was a girl named Isabella White, who lived in a small town, in England . She had long brown hair, with deep blue eyes. She lived in a house all by herself, and she was a clothes weaver at her very own shop. Everyday she woke up went in town to a teashop to get a bit to eat. Then weave clothes for people.
Knock! Knock! A old woman (rather ugly too)came in from the door and wanted her to make a dress for her. The old woman was very precise about what she wanted the dress to look like, and so Isabella listened. Isabella said to the women that she would start the next day, because she had much more other garments to make. The woman was not so happy about that.  Right when Isabella went in the back to get thread she had for the dress, the women vanished.
Once Isabella woke up the next day, she went to the teashop and asked the tea brewer about the old women. “That is very odd,” he said. “I do not know why she would just disappear like that. I do know a long time ago, an old lady used to live there, but then she got murdered. Maybe that was her sister? Coming to look on what you look like in that house?” he continued. “If I were you, I would still make the dress.” he said.
Isabella went right to work. Sewing, trimming, cutting, fabric. “Done” she said. She waited for the woman but she never came. Isabella waited and waited for someone to come into her shop, but no one ever did. Now that she had nothing to do she went to the town hall to find more about her house.
“Hmm” said the town clark. “That is very interesting, what you say. The owner and all of her relatives are all dead too. Could you tell me what the lady looked like?” he asked. Isabella explained who she looked like. “I will check with the police, because if she made you make that dress, and she never comes, that is a crime!” he said loudly. Isabella said it was no need too, but the town’s clark insisted.
When Isabella came home she was tried, so she took a nap. She woke up in a startle! She heard a knocking on her door, she opened it and saw the old woman! “What are you doing here!” Isabella said with a fright. The woman was holding up here dress, which was torn up. “And what did you do to that dress!” I said shaking. I ran out of my house and noticed it was about 4 am. I ran as fast as I could to

Critiques?
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Velocity
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PostSubject: Re: Kewl Beans   Tue Oct 30, 2012 9:08 pm

7.5/10 Its a fairly good story. I like where this is going but there are some things you could fix. `

1. Sentences need to be less choppy. You use too many short sentences that make sentences blunt and it almost makes it sound robotic when you read it. Try combining sentences together so that there are less periods and more commas.

2. Unnecessary details. I love adding details to stories, but when people add too much, readers get uninterested and completely off topic so much, it throws the reader off course. You'll want to ask yourself this throughout the story: Do I need to put this in? Why does writing ___________ help the story? Does it benefit the story later? An example in your story would be: She had long, brown hair with deep blue eyes. What a lovely girl, but the way you structured that into your story doesn't really help the story in the plot so far. I suggest to try adding that in stealthily without making it obvious. Whenever you want to include details into your story, do it without just putting it out there. Instead, try blending it in with your story.

That's all my critique on this story! Its a very lovely story and I'm really looking forward to when you finish writing it! Good luck.
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PostSubject: Re: Kewl Beans   Today at 3:13 am

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