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 The first Vampire

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Daisy
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PostSubject: The first Vampire   Wed Dec 26, 2012 6:33 am

Oh hai~ As you see Im the first vampire and I will tell you all of my experience of being a vampire..

My parents died when i was still 15 years old because someone paid the murderer to kill my family but luckily i escape and hide and then i was become a homeless kid,very poor, and Im like a stray cat. i collect bottles to sell them in junk store. But one time i saw a bottle shining, shimmering then i rub it with my shirt because its so dusty. then i just realize its so sparky then a genie appear infront of me.

Well i said yeah Im dreaming. then the genie just said. Your not dreaming, My dear. then i said.. well them prove it. Then the genie reply,make a wish. Since its still early in my mind that someone murdered my parents so i wish to become a immortal that even people will try to stab me it will heal directly. Your wish may command.Thats what the genie said.

then one day i woke up i feel like I'm totally thirsty i tired to drink the water but it really sucks. the taste just sucks. then i remembered something.. The genie said.. '' You will need many blood to become immortal'' .. Then i just remembered the IMMORTAL.. Sooo? i was not dreaming? so the genie was real?... Then i remembered my wish.

Then i tired to jump in the building but then i realize why didnt I get hurt? Im i that immortal? My face grew pale. My lips become really red. My eyes changes its color every time i get thirsty. That time i really dont know what happen to me. Then Something strange i feel.

I can smell the blood when people passing me. I can feel anything even they are very far away from me. I can start reading Mind. And not that. I can control the Water.. I was really shock.. Totally I was thinking again. Am I dreaming? Because I know its really possible to become a super natural Person.

And to think when the genie made me into a Immortal person My life really changed alot. I look very pretty. I gain Strength, Powers.. I dont know What happen to myself. So since that Im strong i found some works that would carry heavy things. I really do my work fast because I can also run walk while carrying And immortals like me dont get tired easily.


More coming~

Nothing is coming up in my head xD

Hope ya enjoy~


Last edited by Miku on Wed Dec 26, 2012 7:35 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: The first Vampire   Wed Dec 26, 2012 7:30 am

I'm confused. Break it into paragraphs.
Also in stories you shouldn't go like "???????" one "?" should look decent.
And be sure that it should look like something you turn in at school. I see lots of spelling and grammer errors.

Otherwise nice story ^^
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Daisy
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PostSubject: Re: The first Vampire   Wed Dec 26, 2012 7:36 am

Clockwork Invention wrote:
I'm confused. Break it into paragraphs.
Also in stories you shouldn't go like "???????" one "?" should look decent.
And be sure that it should look like something you turn in at school. I see lots of spelling and grammer errors.

Otherwise nice story ^^

Done editing it.. very well. I know my grammars are not so good but my spellings are good.. I even check them when it will have a red wavy lines.
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Flynn
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PostSubject: Re: The first Vampire   Wed Dec 26, 2012 8:00 am

Miku wrote:
Oh hai~ As you see Im the first vampire and I will tell you all of my experience of being a vampire..

My parents died when i was still 15 years old because someone paid the murderer to kill my family but luckily i escape and hide and then i was become a homeless kid,very poor, and Im like a stray cat. i collect bottles to sell them in junk store. But one time i saw a bottle shining, shimmering then i rub it with my shirt because its so dusty. then i just realize its so sparky then a genie appear infront of me.

Well i said yeah Im dreaming. then the genie just said. Your not dreaming, My dear. then i said.. well them prove it. Then the genie reply,make a wish. Since its still early in my mind that someone murdered my parents so i wish to become a immortal that even people will try to stab me it will heal directly. Your wish may command.Thats what the genie said.

then one day i woke up i feel like I'm totally thirsty i tired to drink the water but it really sucks. the taste just sucks. then i remembered something.. The genie said.. '' You will need many blood to become immortal'' .. Then i just remembered the IMMORTAL.. Sooo? i was not dreaming? so the genie was real?... Then i remembered my wish.

Then i tired to jump in the building but then i realize why didnt I get hurt? Im i that immortal? My face grew pale. My lips become really red. My eyes changes its color every time i get thirsty. That time i really dont know what happen to me. Then Something strange i feel.

I can smell the blood when people passing me. I can feel anything even they are very far away from me. I can start reading Mind. And not that. I can control the Water.. I was really shock.. Totally I was thinking again. Am I dreaming? Because I know its really possible to become a super natural Person.

And to think when the genie made me into a Immortal person My life really changed alot. I look very pretty. I gain Strength, Powers.. I dont know What happen to myself. So since that Im strong i found some works that would carry heavy things. I really do my work fast because I can also run walk while carrying And immortals like me dont get tired easily.


More coming~

Nothing is coming up in my head xD

Hope ya enjoy~

I'm going to be a Grammar Nazi.


Grammar critique:
. "Alot" should be "a lot".

. There are no apostrophes or commas, and you don't use quotation marks in a lot of places.

. You are capitalizing words that don't need to be capitalized. (Immortal, powers, strength... etc.)

Story critique:

. Your main character has too many powers, and isn't realistic. Your character probably shouldn't read minds, control water, carry heavy objects and be super pretty all at once. Pick one or two.

. You're overusing the word "totally".

. Why is she selling used bottles? Most people won't pay you for them.

. Who is "the murderer?"


You don't have to take my advice.
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Daisy
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PostSubject: Re: The first Vampire   Wed Dec 26, 2012 8:02 am

Ron Weasley wrote:


. Why is she selling used bottles? Most people won't pay you for them.

. Who is "the murderer?"


You don't have to take my advice.

The Junk shop..
Someone paid the murderer to kill her parents
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Flynn
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PostSubject: Re: The first Vampire   Wed Dec 26, 2012 8:09 am

Miku wrote:
Ron Weasley wrote:


. Why is she selling used bottles? Most people won't pay you for them.

. Who is "the murderer?"


You don't have to take my advice.

The Junk shop..
Someone paid the murderer to kill her parents

I don't think even a junk shop would buy used bottles. They have no value. Most junk shops will buy things that can still be used.
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Daisy
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PostSubject: Re: The first Vampire   Wed Dec 26, 2012 8:21 am

Ron Weasley wrote:
Miku wrote:
Ron Weasley wrote:


. Why is she selling used bottles? Most people won't pay you for them.

. Who is "the murderer?"


You don't have to take my advice.

The Junk shop..
Someone paid the murderer to kill her parents

I don't think even a junk shop would buy used bottles. They have no value. Most junk shops will buy things that can still be used.

Bottles could be used by recycling it..
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Flynn
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PostSubject: Re: The first Vampire   Wed Dec 26, 2012 8:24 am

Miku wrote:
Ron Weasley wrote:
Miku wrote:
Ron Weasley wrote:


. Why is she selling used bottles? Most people won't pay you for them.

. Who is "the murderer?"


You don't have to take my advice.

The Junk shop..
Someone paid the murderer to kill her parents

I don't think even a junk shop would buy used bottles. They have no value. Most junk shops will buy things that can still be used.

Bottles could be used by recycling it..

Yes, but you recycle things yourself. No one will pay you to take your recyclables.
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Daisy
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PostSubject: Re: The first Vampire   Wed Dec 26, 2012 8:26 am

Ron Weasley wrote:
Miku wrote:
Ron Weasley wrote:
Miku wrote:
Ron Weasley wrote:


. Why is she selling used bottles? Most people won't pay you for them.

. Who is "the murderer?"


You don't have to take my advice.

The Junk shop..
Someone paid the murderer to kill her parents

I don't think even a junk shop would buy used bottles. They have no value. Most junk shops will buy things that can still be used.

Bottles could be used by recycling it..

Yes, but you recycle things yourself. No one will pay you to take your recyclables.

I dont know.. But i believe the junk shop also buy bottles because some stray kids here ask for some bottles that are not in used
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Flynn
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PostSubject: Re: The first Vampire   Wed Dec 26, 2012 8:27 am

Miku wrote:
Ron Weasley wrote:
Miku wrote:
Ron Weasley wrote:
Miku wrote:
Ron Weasley wrote:


. Why is she selling used bottles? Most people won't pay you for them.

. Who is "the murderer?"


You don't have to take my advice.

The Junk shop..
Someone paid the murderer to kill her parents

I don't think even a junk shop would buy used bottles. They have no value. Most junk shops will buy things that can still be used.

Bottles could be used by recycling it..

Yes, but you recycle things yourself. No one will pay you to take your recyclables.

I dont know.. But i believe the junk shop also buy bottles because some stray kids here ask for some bottles that are not in used

Why would they need someone else's bottles?
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Daisy
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PostSubject: Re: The first Vampire   Wed Dec 26, 2012 8:29 am

Ron Weasley wrote:
Miku wrote:
Ron Weasley wrote:
Miku wrote:
Ron Weasley wrote:
Miku wrote:
Ron Weasley wrote:


. Why is she selling used bottles? Most people won't pay you for them.

. Who is "the murderer?"


You don't have to take my advice.

The Junk shop..
Someone paid the murderer to kill her parents

I don't think even a junk shop would buy used bottles. They have no value. Most junk shops will buy things that can still be used.

Bottles could be used by recycling it..

Yes, but you recycle things yourself. No one will pay you to take your recyclables.

I dont know.. But i believe the junk shop also buy bottles because some stray kids here ask for some bottles that are not in used

Why would they need someone else's bottles?

Well.. I dont know..
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Oliver
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PostSubject: Re: The first Vampire   Thu Dec 27, 2012 12:34 am

@ron: because they don't have bottles. Homeless kids, I imagine. also, as a vampire, it does make sense for her to have all that. Yes, taking away controlling water would make sense to me, but for me this story seems more to be for fun. she also never mentioned she was super pretty.
you're not from the us, right? I think it's actually a really fun read :0

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char
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PostSubject: Re: The first Vampire   Thu Dec 27, 2012 12:38 am

It's okay... you should work on your grammar and spelling. Needs more detail and plot. I wasn't very interested...
This so called passage reminded me Twilight the movie, which is a movie that made me and my crepe have a bad day.
5.5/10


Last edited by Nyan Cat on Thu Dec 27, 2012 12:47 am; edited 1 time in total
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Mr.Noah
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PostSubject: Re: The first Vampire   Thu Dec 27, 2012 12:46 am

I think I know what she means she uses used bottles to the junk store.

In New York,they have these machines behind or in front of the supermarkets.Some people take a cart and go around collecting recyclable bottles.Then go to the machine and recycle them then you can get money Smile

I've seen a lot of homeless people do it for money.

7/10
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pokeranger
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PostSubject: Re: The first Vampire   Fri Dec 28, 2012 1:15 pm

You've got some grammar and punctual mistakes...
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