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 Roaming (story)

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matthew
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PostSubject: Roaming (story)   Sun Dec 30, 2012 11:33 pm

Sophia Parker, age 8

I looked around the trees. Where am I? I squinted at the long arrays of trees surrounding the landscape. I jumped, for there was something in the bushes. Come at me! Hurry! Kill me fast! I thought, too scared to say it out loud. The rustling got louder. I gaped in horror. A little squirrel popped out of the bush. "Hello!" I said, relieved. I trudged farther into the landscape until there was a cave. Why is there a cave? I thought. She walked into the dark cave. There was a flash of light, then it happened. That was it.

How was it? Should I make more?
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char
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PostSubject: Re: Roaming (story)   Sun Dec 30, 2012 11:44 pm

I need more info to rate, but so far you are doing well. The details are vivid and so are the cliffhangers. ;w;
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matthew
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PostSubject: Re: Roaming (story)   Sun Dec 30, 2012 11:49 pm

I'll take a couple more comments until i start the next chapter!
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SilverBell
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PostSubject: Re: Roaming (story)   Mon Dec 31, 2012 1:16 am

Too short.
It has great potential, but everything is so quick. Draw out your sentences. And you need to lengthen it.
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Daisy
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PostSubject: Re: Roaming (story)   Mon Dec 31, 2012 6:34 am

Make the story little long before you proceed to the next chapter.. :3
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frost
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PostSubject: Re: Roaming (story)   Mon Dec 31, 2012 6:38 am

When you used first-person for most of the chapter, in one part, "She walked into the dark cave." You used third-person for that. C: good story, and make it a little longer, like everyone else said.


Last edited by Frost on Mon Dec 31, 2012 7:09 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Forgot a word)
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emiko
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PostSubject: Re: Roaming (story)   Mon Dec 31, 2012 7:17 am

To me, EVERYTHING IS GOING TOO FAST

Like all of the sudden you hear rustling. You run.


Try to put more detail to make it a little... you know... "detailed".

6/10
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matthew
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PostSubject: Re: Roaming (story)   Mon Dec 31, 2012 8:08 am

Sophia Parker, age 8 (bonus)

Oh, it happened. I felt tingles, and then I felt something that shot into me like a bullet. My head throbbed with pain, and I fainted. When I awoke, i was in the middle of the forest. I didn't know what happened to me, but I will find out soon.

Sophia Parker, age 10

I walked around the woods once more, have taken my odd routine. I try not to remember what happened 2 years ago. Right then, I flinched. That day, when everything flashed, I felt a bullet penetrate my body. That's why I am not the girl I used to be. I have never went home, and instead, I am living out here in the woods. I mean, no one will find me! Out of the leaves popped up a baby bird, a robin. I leaned down and it perched on my finger. It was small, only over an inch high. I stroked its feathers and noticed it wasn't flying away.
Hmmmm. Why isn't it flying away? Then I remembered that it was a baby, and it probably didn't know how to fly yet. The bird hopped to my shoulder. I smiled. Finally, I smiled. We were romaine together.
Emerging dark clouds flew above us tonight and we ran to the cave, my shelter. There is a fire in there, and I don't think anyone will come try to get me. I fell sound asleep.
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Daisy
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PostSubject: Re: Roaming (story)   Mon Dec 31, 2012 8:38 am

"Merry" Mayu wrote:
Sophia Parker, age 8 (bonus)

Oh, it happened. I felt tingles, and then I felt something that shot into me like a bullet. My head throbbed with pain, and I fainted. When I woke up, i was in the middle of the forest. I didn't know what happened to me, but I will find out soon.

Sophia Parker, age 10

I walked around the woods once more, have taken my odd routine. I try not to remember what happened 2 years ago. Right then, I flinched. That day, when everything flashed, I felt a bullet penetrate my body. That's why I am not the girl I used to be. I have never went home, and instead, I am living out here in the woods. I mean, no one will find me! Out of the leaves popped up a baby bird, a robin. I leaned down and it perched on my finger. It was small, only over an inch high. I stroked its feathers and noticed it wasn't flying away.
Hmmmm. Why isn't it flying away? Then I remembered that it was a baby, and it probably don't know how to fly yet. The bird hopped to my shoulder. I smiled. Finally, I smiled. We were romaine together.
Emerging dark clouds flew above us tonight and we ran to the cave, my shelter. There is a fire in there, and I don't think anyone will come try to get me. I fell sound asleep.

Nice story~ I will wait for more.. ^.^
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PostSubject: Re: Roaming (story)   Today at 5:20 pm

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