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 The Mystery~

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Daisy
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Age : 16
Location : In Hell, With Sebastian..

PostSubject: The Mystery~   Fri Jan 04, 2013 11:33 pm

Chapter 1: The Beginning

Josephine is a look-a-like doll girl. Josephine has a blonde long hair with a peach color skin. She has a green big eye that makes her look like a doll. Josephine is really look alike to her mother but Josephine and her mother got separated when she aged at 7.

Since that time a nun adopted her and sends her to a school. Josephine is a quiet girl. She only talked to people she know. She also skips classes sometimes because almost all of her classmates is always talking to her which she hates.

One time she went to the library to find a book. Then she just saw a very tall stairs and walked into it. When she got to the very end of the stairs she saw a very nice garden with some really nice furniture. She liked that place because it’s so silence and it’s like no one knew that place.

Until she is having fun with that place she continues on going to that place. She even skips classes just to rest in that place and read some books. Because of that many students started the rumor that a girl student just disappears so sudden. But no one knew that she is in that place.

One day there’s a new student with black hair and brown eyes. His name was Kyle. Many students in that school call him ‘’ The Dark Reaper’’. He doesn’t know why all students call him that way.

One day Kyle went to the library because he is really annoyed with some students teasing him ‘’The Dark Reaper’’. And so he steps on the stairs to see what’s above the library. While having some steps in the stairs he saw a blonde piece of hair so he got so interested to what is above the library.
Finally he reached it. When he looked around he saw a girl look-alike doll. He poke the little girl and he just notice she was warm.

Chapter 2: The Start~ ( coming )
Ill be making the chapter 2 when I have time.. soo hope you like it.



Last edited by Miku on Sat Jan 05, 2013 9:18 pm; edited 1 time in total
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matthew
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PostSubject: Re: The Mystery~   Sat Jan 05, 2013 7:29 am

First things first, why did you call the story "The Mystery"? Its a pretty flat name. Also, you shouldn't name every single rp character that you play and every girl main character of you stories "Josephine". Its gonna make others suspect that your name is "Josephine". Also, you didnt tell exactly how the dark reaper got his name. And is the whole school blonde?
Miku wrote:
One day there’s a new student with black hair and brown eyes. His name was Kyle. Many students in that school call him ‘’ The Dark Reaper’’. He don't know why they call him that.
It has the juicy stuff in the other parts. Try to make it really like a mystery.
Maybe call your story Doll Silk. The name just popped up into my mind.

Sorry if I am being rude. Other than that, it's pretty good!
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Silver
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Age : 15
Location : In my bedroom contemplating my life choices.

PostSubject: Re: The Mystery~   Sat Jan 05, 2013 10:32 am

Miku wrote:
quite quiet girl. She only talked to people she know. She also skips classes sometimes because almost all of her classmates is always talking to her which she hates.

One time she went to the library to find a book, then she saw a very tall staircase and walked into it. When she got to the very end of the staircase she saw a very nice garden with some really nice furniture. She liked that place because it’s so silent and it’s like no one knew about place.

Even though she was having so much fun with the place she continues on walking to that place. She even starting skipping classes just to rest in this place and read some books. Because of that so many students started rumors that a girl student just disappears so suddenly, but no one knew that she is in this place.

One day there’s a new student with black hair and brown eyes his name was Kyle. Many students in that school call him "The Dark Reaper". He doesn’t even know why all students call him that way.

One day Kyle went to the library because he is really gettting annoyed with some students teasing him and calling him "The Dark Reaper". He steps on the staircase leading to see what’s above the library. While walking up some steps on the stairs he saw a blonde piece of hair, he got interested to what is above the library.
Finally he reached it, he looked around then he saw a girl who was a look-alike doll. He poked the girl then he just notice she was super warm.

I edited some stuff :3 I hope you like what I did I just didn't edit the first paragraph.
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Velocity
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PostSubject: Re: The Mystery~   Sat Jan 05, 2013 10:47 am

It's a solid story, but it could use some brushing up. The sentences seem too blunt. Add more descriptive detail to make it flow more evenly. As for the beginning, don't just start off with giving physical descriptions, it makes it seem dull and unnecessary. I think it has the coming of an interesting story, but it's really not my right to critique this fully without your consent.
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Daisy
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PostSubject: Re: The Mystery~   Sat Jan 05, 2013 9:31 pm

"Merry" Mayu wrote:
First things first, why did you call the story "The Mystery"? Its a pretty flat name. Also, you shouldn't name every single rp character that you play and every girl main character of you stories "Josephine". Its gonna make others suspect that your name is "Josephine". Also, you didnt tell exactly how the dark reaper got his name. And is the whole school blonde?
It has the juicy stuff in the other parts. Try to make it really like a mystery.
Maybe call your story Doll Silk. The name just popped up into my mind.

Sorry if I am being rude. Other than that, it's pretty good!

''The Mystery'' Story is not that flat, That doll thingy is not the main of this story. That's why Kyle was called '' The Dark Reaper'' Because there was a story that has the same face like Kyle. And also Kyle is the only person in there school that has black hair and brown eyes. The story is all about Mystery. That's why the chapter 1 is called '' The beginning because its the beginning right? We still don't know what will happen next right?.

I know that there's a rule that real name shouldn't be post and I follow that. I uses Josephine name because I'am a k-pop lover girl. Josephine is the middle name of a girl name '' Amber Liu'' and she's in a group of F(x).


~Winterful~ wrote:


I edited some stuff :3 I hope you like what I did I just didn't edit the first paragraph.

Thank you for checking the quiet thingy.. ^^.. and for this part.
it’s like no one knew that place.
Mine is right that's why I put the ''That'' to know what place. right?.


Simplicity wrote:
It's a solid story, but it could use some brushing up. The sentences seem too blunt. Add more descriptive detail to make it flow more evenly. As for the beginning, don't just start off with giving physical descriptions, it makes it seem dull and unnecessary. I think it has the coming of an interesting story, but it's really not my right to critique this fully without your consent.

That's why I put that. Every anime I watch they all start with their names,and about their face or something like that. I make the beginning like that because of the tittle.
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PostSubject: Re: The Mystery~   Today at 6:49 am

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