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Daisy
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PostSubject: LoVe   Sun Jan 06, 2013 12:36 am

Daisy is a young girl who loves talking with her friends. She is a very pretty girl. She has a black long hair and brown eyes. So many girls envy her beauty.

One day a girl named Jane tries to be friends with Daisy, since Daisy is a very kind girl. They eat together, play together and they were best friends already. Daisy never thought ill of Jane. But one day Jane tired to poison Daisy because she is also one of many girls that got jealous of Daisy.

On Valentine's day, Jane gave Daisy some chocolates for the sign of their friendship but Daisy never knew that Jane planned it all. So Daisy accepted the chocolates. After that day Daisy was studying in her room alone because they will have a coming exam.

It was already late and Daisy is so sleepy but then she just remembered something about the chocolates. She remembered what did Jane said, ‘’ If you are already sleepy on doing something and you and to finish it already you could eat this chocolate because this chocolates can make you not fall asleep. So Daisy ate some chocolates that night.

Daisy continued on studying but just in seconds she noticed that she’s breathing so hard. She wanted to shout for help but her voice was gone so she couldn't do anything. Daisy started to get dizzy and collapsed.

That morning her mom called her but no one is answering so her mom got worried and tried to go to her room. Her mom was so shocked to what she saw. Daisy’s mom was shouting for her husband and sent Daisy to the hospital immediately but the doctor said. ‘’ It’s too late already, The poison is already spread all over her body and she can’t survived anymore.

____________________________
To be continued.


Last edited by Miku on Mon Jan 07, 2013 3:52 am; edited 3 times in total
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Flynn
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PostSubject: Re: LoVe   Sun Jan 06, 2013 8:23 am

Miku wrote:
Daisy is a young girl who loves talking with her friends. She is a very pretty girl. She has a black long hair and brown eyes, so many girls envy her beauty.

One day a girl named Jane tries to be friends with Daisy, since Daisy is a very kind girl. They eat together, play together and like they were best friends already. Daisy never think bad thought ill of Jane. But one day Jane tired to poison Daisy because she is also one of many girls that got jealous to of Daisy.

In the On Valentine's day, Jane gave Daisy some chocolates for the sign of their friendships but Daisy never knew that Jane planned it all. So Daisy accepted the chocolates. After that day Daisy was studying in her room alone because they will have a coming exam.

It was already late and Daisy is so sleepy but then she just remembered something about the chocolates. She remembered what did Jane said, "If you are already sleepy on doing something and you and to finish it already you could eat this chocolate because this chocolates can make you not fall asleep." So Daisy ate some chocolates that night.

Daisy continued on studying but just in seconds she noticed that she’s breathing so hard. She wanted to shout for help but her voice was gone so she can’t couldn't do anything. Daisy started to get daisy dizzy and collapsed.

That morning her mom called her but no one is answering so her mom got worried and tried to go to her room. Her mom was so shocked to what she saw. Daisy’s mom was shouting for her husband and sent Daisy to the hospital immediately but the doctor said. "It’s too late already, The poison is already spread all over her body and she can’t survive anymore."

____________________________
To be continued.

This is good, but I noticed a few problems with your grammar and spelling. I fixed some of them for you.
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alex
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PostSubject: Re: LoVe   Sun Jan 06, 2013 2:20 pm

This is really nice! However, this paragraph really confused me.
"It was already late and Daisy is so sleepy but then she just remembered something about the chocolates. She remembered what did Jane said, "If you are already sleepy on doing something and you and to finish it already you could eat this chocolate because this chocolates can make you not fall asleep." So Daisy ate some chocolates that night."
I had to re-read it a few times in order to understand it. Try rewording it or try not using the same words multiple times? However, other than that and what Ron pointed out, it's really nice!

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tumblr / 내 호버크라프트는 장어로 가득 차 있어요. ㅡㅅㅡ
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Lord Voldemort
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PostSubject: Re: LoVe   Sun Jan 06, 2013 2:35 pm

I have to agree with Len, that took me a little while to understand. But I really like this, very suspenseful. You have inspired me to post my own story on here.
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Daisy
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PostSubject: Re: LoVe   Mon Jan 07, 2013 3:54 am

@Ron. Thank you.. ^^
@Len. Yeah, Thats why my grammars are really bad because I'm not good at English. ( I even get low scores in our subject English if I don't study)

(( Ill post the next when I'm already checking my grammars. ))
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PostSubject: Re: LoVe   Today at 4:49 pm

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