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 Internally Unknown

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Lord Voldemort
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Join date : 2012-08-28
Age : 17
Location : The dark kingdom and it's shadows.

PostSubject: Internally Unknown   Sun Jan 06, 2013 3:10 pm

Peter Dean Collins is a man with many talents, a loving girlfriend, brother and mother. But do they know him the way they used to? Peter has a secret that not even he remembers, it slowly comes back to him as he tries to find himself. Is the new him going to scare away everyone he loves? Or will they find a way to help him? Read on to see!


To Read Chapter 1 Without the Random Spaces]
Chapter 1 - The Ward:
 

Read Chapter 2 Without the Random Spaces
Chapter 2 Explanations:
 

Read Chapter 3 Without the Random Spaces
Chapter 3 - Being With Her:
 

Chapter 3 and so on under construction, I made this story while I was banned. I hope you like it.

Please proof-read, critique and maybe rate. Thank you.Can someone please fix the "enter button" causes and new lines?? I don't know why the forum is messing it up.



Last edited by Ғaith on Sun Jan 06, 2013 4:56 pm; edited 7 times in total
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Mr.Noah
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PostSubject: Re: Internally Unknown   Sun Jan 06, 2013 3:27 pm

Thats a really good story!Good length too!
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char
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Join date : 2012-11-12
Age : 17
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PostSubject: Re: Internally Unknown   Sun Jan 06, 2013 3:52 pm

I congratulate you for writing such a long story! This is really good, keep on writing.
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Lord Voldemort
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PostSubject: Re: Internally Unknown   Sun Jan 06, 2013 4:19 pm

Nyan Cat wrote:
I congratulate you for writing such a long story! This is really good, keep on writing.

Thank you! This is supposed to be about book length so of course I'm going to try and make it long. Do you have any ideas on what I should have next? Also, Peter murdered a boy and the "dream" is of his doing and it's biting him in the butt.
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Harry
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PostSubject: Re: Internally Unknown   Sun Jan 06, 2013 4:24 pm

This was nice. It was a good length and well-detailed. And I like the suspense that is in it. ಠ◡ಠ My only critique is a few grammar mistakes, but that's it. Maybe for the next chapter you could have the main character start having dreams about the murder.
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Lord Voldemort
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Location : The dark kingdom and it's shadows.

PostSubject: Re: Internally Unknown   Sun Jan 06, 2013 4:57 pm

Rin wrote:
This was nice. It was a good length and well-detailed. And I like the suspense that is in it. ಠ◡ಠ My only critique is a few grammar mistakes, but that's it. Maybe for the next chapter you could have the main character start having dreams about the murder.
Actually, that was my intent! He is a killer, but he doesn't know it because his memory was wiped when he passed out and hit his head. If you could make a spoiler with the grammar revisions I would appreciate it a lot.
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Primrose
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PostSubject: Re: Internally Unknown   Sun Jan 06, 2013 5:03 pm

Ғaith wrote:
Rin wrote:
This was nice. It was a good length and well-detailed. And I like the suspense that is in it. ಠ◡ಠ My only critique is a few grammar mistakes, but that's it. Maybe for the next chapter you could have the main character start having dreams about the murder.
Actually, that was my intent! He is a killer, but he doesn't know it because his memory was wiped when he passed out and hit his head. If you could make a spoiler with the grammar revisions I would appreciate it a lot.
Didn't you make a roleplay app about something like this? Anyways, its good stuff. The skipped lines bother me a lot, but its still a really great piece of text. You have skills, that's a fact. 8/10.
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SilverBell
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PostSubject: Re: Internally Unknown   Sun Jan 06, 2013 5:13 pm

I'm sorry but I looked at Chapter 1 and thought I read that before. And then I found this...
Spoiler:
 
I'm wondering if someone copied it.
Otherwise it's a pretty good story.
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Lord Voldemort
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PostSubject: Re: Internally Unknown   Mon Jan 07, 2013 4:58 pm

GUYS THIS IS AN ANNOUNCEMENT! I HAVE POSTED LINKS TO THE CHAPTERS ON dA, WITHOUT THE SKIPPED LINES.

Please feel free to check them out, they're the same thing.
JingleBell wrote:
l"]I'm sorry but I looked at Chapter 1 and thought I
read that before. And then I found
this...
Spoiler:
 
I'm wondering if someone copied it.
Otherwise it's a pretty good story.
Oh
wow, she copied me? I actually had that bit down for a while, I just
never thought to continue it. But with Len banning me and my Internet
going down, I thought "Why not?" and worked on it. I'm actually
surprised to see the turnout of this story, it's a little more than I
expected.


Lin wrote:
Ғaith wrote:
Rin wrote:
This
was nice. It was a good length and well-detailed. And I like the
suspense that is in it. ಠ◡ಠ My only critique is a few grammar mistakes,
but that's it. Maybe for the next chapter you could have the main
character start having dreams about the murder.
Actually,
that was my intent! He is a killer, but he doesn't know it because his
memory was wiped when he passed out and hit his head. If you could make a
spoiler with the grammar revisions I would appreciate it a lot.
Didn't you make a roleplay app about something like this? Anyways, its
good stuff. The skipped lines bother me a lot, but its still a really
great piece of text. You have skills, that's a fact. 8/10.
Yes,
I did make a role-play app for this but people didn't want to do it
because it revolved around Steve, which is Peter. Yeah, I don't know why
they're all skipped like that. I posted links to my dA for the
non-skipped links version. Check them out please?
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PostSubject: Re: Internally Unknown   Today at 7:05 am

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