| | | Internally Unknown |  |
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Lord Voldemort
Veteran Fantagian
Posts : 4705
Join date : 2012-08-28
Age : 24
Location : The dark kingdom and it's shadows.
| Subject: Internally Unknown  Sun Jan 06, 2013 3:10 pm | |
| Peter Dean Collins is a man with many talents, a loving girlfriend, brother and mother. But do they know him the way they used to? Peter has a secret that not even he remembers, it slowly comes back to him as he tries to find himself. Is the new him going to scare away everyone he loves? Or will they find a way to help him? Read on to see!
To Read Chapter 1 Without the Random Spaces] - Chapter 1 - The Ward:
[size=12]
My mind becomes a blur as I see the red and green fade into each other,
then nothing at all but the darkness - emptiness. I wake to see a sickening
bright light, I feel dead, almost enlightened in a way.
“He's coming to” says a voice, furious scribbling, mumbling, and high
heels pumping, So much noise in the distance. As I stop to think where I am my
breath quickens. I see flashes of green, a forest that seems quite familiar, I
hear faint screams, shouting, panting, and then I see it, a boy with his throat
slit. I try to clear my mind, “no, no!”, I shout. For some reason the picture
won't leave my mind. Suddenly I feel a sharp pain on my shoulder. My eyes
instantly open to see a man sitting on a chair next to my hospital bed.
“Why hello” he beams “I see you've woken - I was actually starting to
get worried”. He rubbed my navel and began to circle the bed, checking my chest
and head, pinching my cheeks ever so often. He has very chiselled features,
almost too good looking to be working in such an occupation, I can't help but
think if he's actually some type of agent. This male nurse is very odd, as he
seems, off. I don’t like him already, and what does rubbing my belly button and
pinching my cheeks have to do with anything? “Where am I?” I ask in panic, for
the first time I notice that my throat is dry, and that I can barely sit up.
Must be too weak. Mr. Chiselled raises and eyebrow and his lips pout, like he
wasn't expecting an answer. He didn’t think I was mute, did he?
“Don't worry!” he assures, “You were out in the forest adventuring
through the woods, but at the same time you were trekking through, a murder was
occurring. From what we received on the reports, the murderer ran past you,
then he must have thought you would recognize him, so he knocked you out. You
had some internal bleeding on your cheek but it's nothing to worry about, it
will heal with time. We've given you some stitches on the back of your head,
where he struck you. The impact from the blow had you landing on your face,
well, your cheek.” He smiled an “I'm so smart, and guess what? You’re not.”
smile at me and began fidgeting with his watch. How unprofessional.
I take a quick look at the clock, could this be? I’ve been in this
place for 3 hours! It’s 10:47 AM. This man seems off-guard for now; I don’t see
why I shouldn’t inspect myself. I raise my hand to my cheek, and my heart
begins to quicken. My skin feels soft, the surrounding skin is tender, a little
bit of swelling, and the very middle is sore and the skin is hard, when I push
on it, it squishes down. I winced at the pain and move my hand to my shoulder,
where I felt the imaginary pain just moments ago.
“Check up time!” Mr. Chiselled sang.
He played around with my hair, picking at the scalp without any form of
protectant on his hands. Whistling a tune as he did so. Moving on to the neck,
rubbing on the back of it and making sipping noises. Surprisingly, he went
straight to my feet and lifted the blanket, examining the knees. What the F
WORD is he doing? If he’s really checking me for my health? If so, he
doesn’t have to make such odd noises.
I scowl at Mr. Chiselled and feel the need to wrap things up. I don’t
like him, I don’t like this place, and I must be on my way to get some break,
milk, and sugar for my mother.
“Do I need further inspection or may I leave?” I ask politely, yet in
annoyed tones. Once again, Mr. Chiselled looks at me in surprise, if he wanted
silence he could have left, or does he want something more?
“I'm not quite sure, hold on a sec.” was his sudden reply. I watch as
he leans over my bed and presses on a button, the lights dim and a woman with a
singsong voice hoarsely answers.
“Liam here, I – ”
“Again? God forbid Liam, what do you want this time?” she questions,
she seems annoyed, finally someone shares my pain. Has this man been harassing
her through my room’s speakers?
“Ivy, what on earth do you speak of? This has nothing to do with what
happened yesterday, Now just shut up and listen to me for once: May Mr. Collins
leave?” he looks at the speaker intently, this man seems harsh. Why is he
staring at the speaker in such manner? Does he not want me to leave? I begin to
massage my forehead; I'm becoming more and more tense every second I stay in
this bed. How long has this man been sitting in my hospital room? When and how
did I get here? How long have I been sleeping? The questions swarm around in my
head, pleading for an answer.
“Yes, Mr. Collins was supposed to leave 2 hours ago. Though he may stay
the night if he feels off balance.” Ivy rings out. I blink at the speaker in
shock, Liam the Chiselled exhales and grimaces, what is his problem??
”Well, I guess you got your answer then Mr. Collins, please take your
clothing from the bathroom and put them on before you exit to your left and go
down staircase 13, turn left once more and exit to the door before the
restrooms please.” What an attitude change! He suddenly can't wait to get rid
of me, and I'm naked? Who took off my clothing just so I could have stitches on
my head? Was it this sickening man?
I pull the blankets off in a hurry and get on my feet; I stop at the
bathroom door to peer inside. Already I’m feeling tired, like I just ran 400
meters. Stupid head stitches. I don't think I’ll be able to walk all around the
hospital; maybe I can fake a sprained ankle and be taken to the bus stop by
wheelchair. Wait, then I'd be back in to be checked for broken bones. The
smells of the room make me gag – too sterile for my liking; the product use in
this place is crazy. I can't blame them though, people vomit, urinate, and who
knows what else all over the floors, you have to keep it clean.
Just thinking of what people could do to contaminate these shiny floors
make me sick, I have to get out of here – quickly, with a way that doesn't
involve a lot of walking.
As I walk into the washroom a stronger wave of the acidic, chemical
smell hits me. I gasp and my neck randomly has a spasm, causing whiplash. What
the heck is wrong with me today? I begin to inhale and exhale with my mouth
looking back at Liam.
“Mr. – Uh” I watch as he glances at the clipboard artificially
positioned on his lap.
“Mr. Collins, sorry about that. Is there something wrong? Would you
like to rest, or maybe get some painkillers? I could give you valium if you
wish to stay the night.” He offers. I study his face, he means well, but Valium?
“Uh no, no Valium is needed. But the painkillers sound good, mild
please.”
“Right away, Mr. Collins would you like a preferred drink with that, or
would water do? We have soda water, milk – white, chocolate, or strawberry,
seven Up-“ he recited
“Seven Up, and make it iced please?”
“Lemonade, Sprite, and a citrus
5 cocktail – non-alcoholic of course.” He went on, despite my answer. How sick
could this man be? I’m surprised that I’m not the one asking if he was in need
of medication.
“Seven up it is, now I’ll be back in 2 minutes. This is the furthest
room from the front desk and I think I’ll get myself a drink too.” He suddenly
pulls out a flashlight and begins to shine it in my face, giggling as he walks
out.
“Self-centered git” I mutter under my breath as I watch him leave. I
pull on my pants and the boy pops back into my mind. Then I remember Liam
ranting on about a murderer in the woods, then me getting knocked out because
there was a possibility that I’d seen their face.
This is all too much to handle now; I need to focus. First I’ll get
mother her milk, bread and sugar, then I will find Chelsea, and tell her what
happened, and we’ll go off from there. Chelsea is my girlfriend, which I’ve
been dating for 5 months now. I’m not of the dating “type” and I assume the
only reason I’m currently dating Chelsea, is because I’ve known her since grade
3, she’s into me, and I like being around her. She makes me feel all frisky,
giddy, and warm inside. Chelsea is a beauty guru. She posts videos on her own
sites or YouTube, of her, teaching people how to put on makeup, do hair, giving
them beauty tips, telling them her “favourite” hairstyles and clothing. The
thing that really gives her business, it’s the advertising. I’m talking about
the “what’s in my purse/bag” and “10 products I would re-purchase” and “My
favourite products of all time”. Those titles are KEY advertisers; the
companies pay her to give out a good review, no matter how bad the product may
be!
My mind whizzes back to Liam,
the male nurse who is too creepy to my liking. I pick up my bag and rifle
through it. I scroll through my phone, nothing but a text from my brother,
Jerry: “WER R U, BRO? IT’S BEEN 3 HOURS AND MOM NEEDS THE MILK FOR HER TEA!” God
forbid, he’s so impatient, why can’t he get it himself sometimes? I find my
house keys, my car keys, and my wallet: $26.13, 1 debit, 2 credit cards, a
shoppers card, drivers license and a laminated photocopy of my birth
certificate. Good, Liam didn’t touch anything when I was out. But who stays
un-conscious for 3 hours? Was he filling me up with something? I almost feel,
naked which I sort of am, but in a way that exposes me from all ends. I rip out
the I.V inserted into my left arm and instantly feel the fatigue wearing off.
What the F WORD CENCORED FOR FANTAGE FORUM USE? Is this man trying to
get me to stay? Time to put up an act.
“Mr. Collins, I have your-“ his eyes instantly dart to the I.V on the
floor and he gasps.
“I have the pills.” He says quietly as he picks up the bag and drains
it in the sink, disposing the needle into the waste bin.
“Where are they, Mr. Ch – Liam?”
He begins to rapidly sweat, I watch as he sticks his tongue out and
licks his hairless upper lip. He looks as if he was closing his eyes as he did
so, savouring it. What a disgusting man.
“They’re in my pocket” he pats his rear pocket and smiles at me, “Do
you mind taking them out? My hands are covered in medical fluids.” He turns on
the sink and begins to lather his hands in soap. His amused look slightly
flusters me I look at him in disgust and stick my hand in his right rear
pocket; to my horror his pants fall to his ankles just as I do so. His long,
thinly haired legs stare back at me. Was he planning for this to happen? I glance
at the back of his boxers; they read “SE XY” Oh, how mature. Time to play the
act.
“Oh Liam, I’m terribly sorry. Does that make you uncomfortable?” He
dries his hands and looks right at me, an odd twinkle in his eyes. I put my
hand on his shoulder to add feeling, and trail my finger around his back
stopping in between his shoulder blades. God, this must look awkward. Two well built men looking at each other awkwardly one without his pants on and the
other shirtless. Lovely.
“No ah, No. I’m fine Peter. Do go on.” He replies with a softer
tone. He rubs his knees together in what I assume, is excitement?
My breath un-noticeably quickens as I begin reaching out for some part
of him and then I hear high heels walking past. I look at Liam in shock as he
scurries to the door and closes it, and leans against it. Of course, now I get
it. He’s gay. How did I think this guy was a mental patient sprung loose? He
just had the hots for me. I’m flattered, yet I feel that I should be puking.
“Now, where were we?” Liam asks, batting his eyelashes at me.
“Liam, pull up your pants you gay git and give me the pills. I’m not
into that kind of relationship, what were you thinking. Do you know if you did
this to anyone else, you most likely would have lost your job on the spot? You
are one lucky man that you decided to have a little crush on me and not someone
else, I should report you right now!” I look out the window and through the
tinted blue curtains, a little courtyard. There I see an old couple pointing
and staring into the windows, staring at me.
“Oo hoo hoo! Look who got caught! I could turn the story around easily,
now that I have witnesses”, and that’s when Liam ran to the window and pressed
himself against it, making sure to have his shirt pulled up and a look of
horror on his face. “Now what do you think that old couple is thinking? That
you’re a young pedophile that has come to rape me, take pictures of me with
your phone then blackmail me. That’s what. Now I suggest you take your pills
and finish the drink, after that we should go to the desk and confirm that we
heard a ruckus in the next room, and they will think that the elderly couple’s
complaint was what we heard. After, you shall leave and never speak of this to
anyone. Capish?”
This is all going so fast, I didn’t know what to say. At one moment I
was giving Liam a lecture on being a gay nurse that seduces every decent
looking man that he deals with, the next I was putting on my clothes, taking
pills, drinking seven up, taking my bag and filing a complaint to the next
room.
[/color]
“How easy was that? Now the patient will be given something to calm
them down and you are out of the park. Would you like a bottle of Sprite as
pay? I swear it’s the same as seven up on SO many levels.”
[“Now, I beg to
differ. But a free soda isn’t an opportunity I can pass on, no matter what
flavour it is.” This man was creepy, gay, and seductive. But he wasn’t so bad.
Just.. Emotionally disturbed.[/font]
Read Chapter 2 Without the Random Spaces - Chapter 2 Explanations:
Freedom. Such a
common word yet savoured every time it occurs. Such a lovely Sunday for a walk,
no wonder I was in the forest this morning. If I could do it again I would, and
this time I’d bring a camera. I stifle a yawn as I glance at my gas gauge,
almost full. 5 minutes until I reach home, I can’t stand the loneliness I need
some entertainment. As I reach for the radio knob I see a squirrel crossing the
street, Ah what’s the point in slowing down if you can kill em’ dang buggers.
They’re annoying anyways. I turned the radio to 99.9 virgin radio, just in time
to hear a house mix of pit bull’s “Don’t Stop The Party”. Pretty decent if you
ask me, I hear faint squeak and my car runs over a little bump. How comical, it
must’ve been that pesky squirrel. I love this. Just sitting in my car, alone,
listening to modern music and losing myself in it as I bob my head along to the
tune – Call me crazy, but this is my peace.
As I pull up to
the driveway I see my mother sitting on the front porch and gripping a cup of
tea, along with my brother perched beside her and his hand on her shoulder.
“Where have you been, Peter? You must’ve got some pretty fancy milk
for old Pam, now lemme see it!” my mother shouts as I climb the stairs. What a
nice greeting, now what shall I say? The milk is invisible??
“Yeah, and where’s the bread and eggs Peter? I wanted to make myself
a nice brunch!” Jerry complained.
“Now mum... and brother.” I began awkwardly. “Don’t fret but I had a
bit of an accident, when I went hiking in the woods of course. I had just come
back from the hospital and I have some stitches in the back of my head, and
well some internal bleeding in my cheek. Tomorrow it’ll show a big nice bruise
for you all to see.” I sighed and looked at them intently. Would they laugh and
say I’m making an excuse?
“Oh Chicken! That’s terrible!” my mother flailed her arms up in the
air and walked over to me. She hugged me tightly and kissed my ears.
“Now let me see the back of your head, did they shave all the hair
in the back? Did you feel the scalpel cutting your head open, or did they knock
you out?” My mother was so full of questions. It’s like she forgot of anything
else.
“Now mum, I just.. What about you just check it out.” I looked at my
brother sitting on the porch swing staring at me oddly; he twiddled his fingers
and raised an eyebrow at me. As if to say “you, of all people.. Getting hurt in
the forest?” It is odd for me to get
hurt anyways, it’s not like I ever get injured.
“Aw common Jerry, you can see it too” I watched as he lunged from
the chair and went to check out my head, tracing the fresh stitches. I heard
the classic “ouch’s” and “ahh!” and “Ewe, they missed a spot, look at it now!”
My brother was practically mesmerized by my stitch.
“Now which cheek has the internal bleeding?” my mother boomed. She
was never one to forget, but once she was hooked on something, she wouldn’t let
it go and she’d shut everything else out. Just like when Jerry was born, he
started to eat baby food and mashed vegetables 2 months early, so of course my
mother would treat him like some miracle child and only play with him until
eventually the phase was over. But hey, it’s 2013 now and I’m a 23 year old
grown boy, while my brother is a 19 year old who is strongly interested in
something like a stitched up head injury.
“The left cheek, mum. Really, I’m fine I took a painkiller before I
left the hospital so it should wear off before I go to bed, then I can take an
Advil and we’ll see what happens in the morning. My mother began to turn my
head in between her hands, examining my face.
“Leave it alone, for Gods sake!” retorts Jerry, opening the screen
door with his right foot already in the house.
“Jerry Dean Collins!” Pam sheers “This is my first born son! I think
I deserve to have some concern on his injuries, do you know how I – “
Jerry snorts and shuts the screen door behind him, and drowns out
her voice with Much Music set to the highest volume setting on the T.V -
classic.
“Okay then, I guess I should get going and give your brother the
talk of respect. You’d think a boy of his age would know better” she sighs and
follows Jerry into the house.
I glance at my watch 11:52 AM, I leap to the stairs and open the car
door, my mind racing on what I’ll do at work. For a moment my breathing becomes
so low it almost stops. Then it all
stops. Of course! It’s Saturday, and there’s nothing to do. My phone glitters
in the seat next to me as I read a text that was sent by Jerry: “MOM IS GIVING
ME THE TALK, COME IN LE CHATEAU AND TALK 2 HER ABOUT YOUR CHEEK. I DON’T NEED
TO HEAR DIS RIGHT NOW!” I sigh at the text talk and send a devilish face back
to him. Then I remember. Chelsea.
Dialling as fast as I can I hit the numbers with skill and accuracy:
555-417-6249.
“Hello, Chelsea here. If consulting for business inquiries please
call this number: 555-427-8164. If you’re a contact, please wait a moment and
you will be forwarded to my cell phone.” The phone emitted a beep.
“It’s Chelsea! Who’s this?” I thought she’d recognize my number
right away by now.
“Hey. Chelsea! It’s Peter Collins, you’re boyfriend.” I add in for
good measure. She has a ton of connections; for all I know there might be
another Peter that SHE knows.
“Peter, what’s wrong? You never call me at this time of day.” I feel
worried. Does she not want to see me? I don’t think so – she’s my fun, loving Chelsea!
“Nothing, bunny. But, can you set up a break time or something? I
think I need to talk to you about something that happened earlier this
morning.” The boy pops into my mind again, and then the seductive look of the
male nurse, and the horror of the blood on the boy’s neck. I shudder and try to
erase Liam from my mind. Chelsea seems like she doesn’t want to be spoken to.
Is she with a client? Maybe I should hang up and call in 5 minutes.
“Sweety it’s highly unlikely for me to get a break, I mean everybody
wants to get a makeover by Chelsea, and I thought you hated talking about your
feelings anyways?” her tone seemed to become less concerned, almost like she
was fading away. Her voice cracks in the static of the phone. I have to get a
new phone provider. Rogers is bringing me nowhere.
“Chelsea, I just think this needs to be spoken about. If you don’t
think you can make time I can come over now.” Was she not hearing me? This is
the first time I’m going to speak out to anyone, is she going to throw me away?
Girls sometimes, they always want to be loved and cared for, but will they ever
return the favour?
“Actually Peter, now is probably the best time. BUT Make sure to put
on some cologne or deodorant or whatever you men wear. The place needs to smell
good for the customers.”
“On my way, bunnykins!” I raise my arm and take a deep whiff of my
armpit. Do I smell? I think not. But for Chelsea: ANYTHING! I quickly
run into the house and drop my socks, shirt and pants in the hamper. Running
around the house half naked, a sight anyone would kill to see. I step into the
shower and turn it on a light mist. Just removing the sweat and acidic scent of
the hospital.
As I make my way out of the shower, I can’t help but look at a
coconut and honey suckle exfoliating scrub that my mother has set out. I pick
it up and read the instructions: “Apply generous amount of exfoliating scrub
to fingertips, rub onto the face in circular motion for maximum results, and
rinse. Keep product away from eye area.” Of course, I try stuff and my
cheek gets irritated but hey, my skin never felt so smooth.
I dry off and pick out my clothing from my room: Light blue boxers,
undershirt, red t-shirt, black sweatpants, black hoodie, ankle socks and red
converse. I flip my hair and watch the water droplets fall onto the mirror,
they look so perfect yet so.. Messy. I pick up my towel and wipe them off.
I get my bag and put it on. I just can’t stop thinking about that
boy, who was he? Why is he sticking to me? If anything, the poor kid should be
bugging the guy that killed him. Not some innocent guy that just happened to be
walking in the woods.
I stopped at the red light and slammed my palms on the steering
wheel. Seriously? This is the 4th one so far. I swear, I could have
jogged there and back by now. These stoplights are merciless. 30 seconds before
the lights are going to switch a kid walks out in front of me and starts to
wash my windshield. Dang Squeegee-Kids. “Pay up!” his raspy voice boomed
through the window. I hastily pulled out 5 dollars from my wallet and shoved it
through the little slit. Green light – Finally! I stepped on the gas and drove
over to Chelsea shop as fast as the law would let me.
“There you are!” she squealed as I stepped out of the car,
frustrated, rolling the keys on my fingertips. I exhaled and kissed her
forehead as I put my arm on her back.
“Chelsea-Bunny” I sighed, how hard can this be? I just have to.. Say
it like I think it, but calmer. “Hey there, how’s business?” I steer the
conversation over to her.
Girls. They can be so self-centered sometimes. You give them a topic
they really like and they can’t shut up. It’s like Entertainment Tonight on
repeat.
“Hello to you too, Peter.” Oh god, did I say something wrong?
“Business is good, as always. I’ve gotten plenty of customers for
the 2 and a half hours that I’ve been open.” She looks unsatisfied.
“So what is it that you
have to tell me oh-so badly?” She stifled a laugh and began tracing lazy figure
eights on the back of my neck. Then her fingers ran over the stitches and her
arm dropped completely.
“What the heck is this? Oh Peter, did you get into a fight? Common,
let’s go in the back room and you can tell me what happened.” I can’t believe
it! She’s suddenly interested, and pulling me by the arm into the building. I
winced in the bright lights and stood there looking dumb until my eyes adjusted
to the lighting. I hung my sweater on the coat rack and followed her into the
light blue room, wondering what was next to come..
Read Chapter 3 Without the Random Spaces - Chapter 3 - Being With Her:
She put her hand on my knee and a tear grazed her cheek. This is
bad, I didn’t want to make her cry, I just wanted her to hear me out! Why do
girls have to be so emotional at times?
“Hey, Chelsea. Don’t cry. I’m okay! I’m right here, it’s alright.” I
put my hand on her back and bring her in close. As she sobs into my shoulder, I
can’t help but think about the dang leather couch. I mean really? This thing
squeaks with every move I make, at least the pillows are comfy.
“It’s not that!” she sniffled. I seriously don’t know what’s wrong. If
anything, I should be crying.
“Chelsea, just tell me. I told you everything, I think I deserve to
know why you’re balling!” I kissed her forehead and slipped my hand under head
shirt, rubbing her back.
“It’s just. If he saw you, then he could have done anything to you!
He could have, copied your contact list on your phone, and copied your house
keys! He could have all your information, he’s probably stealing your identity
as we speak! If not, then he’s probably going to get ransom money from us somehow!”
she cried, I looked into the doorway to see an employee getting some coffee,
she gives me a desperate look and shrugs. I can’t help but wink and silently
giggle. How insane can this get?
“Chelsea, you need to calm down. Listen to me, sit up right now, wipe
your pretty little eyes and hear me out” I demand in soothing tones. I don’t
want my little girl to think I’m controlling her.
“Bunny, common get it together. You still are my bunny, right?”
That got her up. As soon as I finished my sentence she reached for a
tissue and got up, using her pocket mirror to fix any makeup smudges.
“Okay, Peter. Tell me. What is it? How are you going to protect
yourself, protect US?!”
I grimaced at the thought of us being separated because of something
like this.
“Chelsea-Bunny. He can’t steal my identity. I left all my personal
stuff, in the car and it was locked up. All the windows were closed, and
everything. I had my key on my bracelet that you made me, and you KNOW IT.” I
replied with ease. How ridiculous would that be? Stealing someone’s identity
because you murdered a boy? If I were the murderer I would tell the parents
that I have the boy and demand for ransom money, but if I was twisted, in the
end just kill the boy. But hey I’m not, I just the same as the boy; a victim.
But the thing is, I didn’t get killed.
Chelsea couldn’t take her eyes off me, suddenly I felt multiple eyes
on me. I turned and looked behind me. 4 co-workers there, all mouthing the same
words “Kiss, Kiss, KISS!” How embarrassing would it be, to kiss in front of
THEM? Sure enough, when I turned around Chelsea smiled and planted one on me. I
couldn’t move; I was surprised. Is this the new low? Was she doing this whole
thing to make a show? I looked at her, my mouth wide open. But I guess she took
that wrongly, because yet again she planted another one on me. I quickly turned
my head and caught the crowd dying down. Just coffee pot lady.
“Chels. Now, that we’re alone. We may do that.” I put my arm on her
back, and the other on her curvy waist as I pulled her close and kissed her
with everything I had. Her lips had a sweet tang to them. I liked that.
After what seemed like forever, and due to lack of air, I finally
broke the kiss. She looked at me and gave me the biggest smile I’ve ever seen,
and she was practically glowing. I moved her hair out of her face and sighed,
she’s practically my life. Without her, I’d be some guy, working, coming home,
helping his mother, and doing nothing. But this is why it’s all worth it.
Chelsea suddenly looked at me with reason, and cleared her throat as
if she had been thinking hard.
“Peter, now I know that you’re the one for me. I think, that I
should take the day off. You need care anyways, since you’re head got all
busted up. I’m going to hand the store to Amanda for the day and-“
“Woah, Woah, WOAH! Hold on for a moment Chelsea. Half an hour ago,
before I even told you the story you were all: “I don’t think I have time for
you later in the day, just come right now so we can talk.” Now you’re
cancelling the whole day for me? What has gotten into you?” I instantly covered
my mouth. Am I trying to start a fight with the light, the shining stars, and
the reason I get up in the morning and actually look forward to the day? She’s
finally paying back after these long hard 5 years. What am I doing, passing it
off? Not this time.
“You’re right Peter, my business is pretty important. Hey Amanda,
come here.. NO! Step away from the coffee pot and just co – ”
“NO, I mean.. Yes. I mean. Just LOOK. Chelsea, I think we should go
home, and rest. You need this. I need this, I’m starting to get a little woozy
and well.. You haven’t had a free day this week, and now you’re working on
weekends too? Common, give the keys to Amanda, and lets go.” I’m not taking
“no” for an answer. I know this was supposed to be my day, but she needs some
pampering too. I took her by the hand and headed for the door, walking slowly
so she could chatter along. “Blah, Blah, lockdown, Black shadow, Keys, don’t
forget Studio, My Concealer?” was what she said before we left, then I heard a
reply of “You fine girl, knock him dead!” then I thought, does she mean
“does she look good”, or does she want to kill me and bring me back here so
Amanda can conceal me?
I opened the door for Chelsea and watched her step in the car, she
looked like she was a model. Had she practiced stepping in and out of cars to
look her best for the red carpet? Even the tiniest of things, can look easy and
graceful, yet so cute when it’s done by my Chelsea.
Chapter 3 and so on under construction, I made this story while I was banned. I hope you like it. Please proof-read, critique and maybe rate. Thank you.Can someone please fix the "enter button" causes and new lines?? I don't know why the forum is messing it up.
Last edited by Ғaith on Sun Jan 06, 2013 4:56 pm; edited 7 times in total | |
| | | | Mr.Noah
Expert Fantagian
Posts : 2629
Join date : 2012-06-27
Age : 26
Location : New York
| | Subject: Re: Internally Unknown Sun Jan 06, 2013 3:27 pm | |
| Thats a really good story!Good length too! | |
| | | | Reese
Hero Fantagian
Posts : 6320
Join date : 2012-11-12
Age : 24
| | Subject: Re: Internally Unknown Sun Jan 06, 2013 3:52 pm | |
| I congratulate you for writing such a long story! This is really good, keep on writing. | |
| | | | Lord Voldemort
Veteran Fantagian
Posts : 4705
Join date : 2012-08-28
Age : 24
Location : The dark kingdom and it's shadows.
| | Subject: Re: Internally Unknown Sun Jan 06, 2013 4:19 pm | |
| - Nyan Cat wrote:
- I congratulate you for writing such a long story! This is really good, keep on writing.
Thank you! This is supposed to be about book length so of course I'm going to try and make it long. Do you have any ideas on what I should have next? Also, Peter murdered a boy and the "dream" is of his doing and it's biting him in the butt. | |
| | | | Harry
Ultimate Fantagian
Posts : 7654
Join date : 2012-07-16
Age : 24
Location : with you ;)
| | Subject: Re: Internally Unknown Sun Jan 06, 2013 4:24 pm | |
| This was nice. It was a good length and well-detailed. And I like the suspense that is in it. ಠ◡ಠ My only critique is a few grammar mistakes, but that's it. Maybe for the next chapter you could have the main character start having dreams about the murder. | |
| | | | Lord Voldemort
Veteran Fantagian
Posts : 4705
Join date : 2012-08-28
Age : 24
Location : The dark kingdom and it's shadows.
| | Subject: Re: Internally Unknown Sun Jan 06, 2013 4:57 pm | |
| - Rin wrote:
- This was nice. It was a good length and well-detailed. And I like the suspense that is in it. ಠ◡ಠ My only critique is a few grammar mistakes, but that's it. Maybe for the next chapter you could have the main character start having dreams about the murder.
Actually, that was my intent! He is a killer, but he doesn't know it because his memory was wiped when he passed out and hit his head. If you could make a spoiler with the grammar revisions I would appreciate it a lot. | |
| | | | Primrose
Ultimate Fantagian
Posts : 8311
Join date : 2011-08-27
Age : 21
Location : District 12
| | Subject: Re: Internally Unknown Sun Jan 06, 2013 5:03 pm | |
| - Ғaith wrote:
- Rin wrote:
- This was nice. It was a good length and well-detailed. And I like the suspense that is in it. ಠ◡ಠ My only critique is a few grammar mistakes, but that's it. Maybe for the next chapter you could have the main character start having dreams about the murder.
Actually, that was my intent! He is a killer, but he doesn't know it because his memory was wiped when he passed out and hit his head. If you could make a spoiler with the grammar revisions I would appreciate it a lot. Didn't you make a roleplay app about something like this? Anyways, its good stuff. The skipped lines bother me a lot, but its still a really great piece of text. You have skills, that's a fact. 8/10. | |
| | | | SilverBell
Veteran Fantagian
Posts : 3309
Join date : 2012-08-29
Age : 22
Location : A room in a house in a city in a county in a state in a country in a continent in a planet in a solar system in a galaxy in a universe
| | Subject: Re: Internally Unknown Sun Jan 06, 2013 5:13 pm | |
| I'm sorry but I looked at Chapter 1 and thought I read that before. And then I found this... - Spoiler:
http://www.fantageforum.com/t10378-unknown-chapter-1
I'm wondering if someone copied it. Otherwise it's a pretty good story. | |
| | | | Lord Voldemort
Veteran Fantagian
Posts : 4705
Join date : 2012-08-28
Age : 24
Location : The dark kingdom and it's shadows.
| | Subject: Re: Internally Unknown Mon Jan 07, 2013 4:58 pm | |
| GUYS THIS IS AN ANNOUNCEMENT! I HAVE POSTED LINKS TO THE CHAPTERS ON dA, WITHOUT THE SKIPPED LINES.
Please feel free to check them out, they're the same thing. - JingleBell wrote:
- l"]I'm sorry but I looked at Chapter 1 and thought I
read that before. And then I found
this...- Spoiler:
http://www.fantageforum.com/t10378-unknown-chapter-1
I'm wondering if someone copied it.
Otherwise it's a pretty good story. Oh
wow, she copied me? I actually had that bit down for a while, I just
never thought to continue it. But with Len banning me and my Internet
going down, I thought "Why not?" and worked on it. I'm actually
surprised to see the turnout of this story, it's a little more than I
expected. - Lin wrote:
- Ғaith wrote:
- Rin wrote:
- This
was nice. It was a good length and well-detailed. And I like the
suspense that is in it. ಠ◡ಠ My only critique is a few grammar mistakes,
but that's it. Maybe for the next chapter you could have the main
character start having dreams about the murder. Actually,
that was my intent! He is a killer, but he doesn't know it because his
memory was wiped when he passed out and hit his head. If you could make a
spoiler with the grammar revisions I would appreciate it a lot. Didn't you make a roleplay app about something like this? Anyways, its
good stuff. The skipped lines bother me a lot, but its still a really
great piece of text. You have skills, that's a fact. 8/10. Yes,
I did make a role-play app for this but people didn't want to do it
because it revolved around Steve, which is Peter. Yeah, I don't know why
they're all skipped like that. I posted links to my dA for the
non-skipped links version. Check them out please? | |
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