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 Winter: a story made by purple123

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purple123
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PostSubject: Winter: a story made by purple123   Mon Jun 21, 2010 10:53 pm

chapter one: waiting for winter
I was sitting on the couch listening to the TV.then my granny came home (i heard the door). she said ''i brought delicous cake and strawberrys for dessert! i said ''cool can you give me a slice becuase i'm watching TV'' ''remember, that couch is new! so just sit in the dining room'' granny said. ''but i can't see the tv from here!'' i yelled. ''don't yell at me, Kara! when your done with that cake slice you can sit on the couch!'' said granny. ''fine..'' i said. I was looking at the window, waiting for winter.. i was dreaming about the snow on my tongue. that coldness! i couldn't wait.

chapter 2: can't wait for tommorow

when i was done with my slice, i ran to the couch. ''NO!!!! its over!! thanks alot granny'' i cried. ''you were the one who wanted a cake slice...'' said granny. ''ill go to bed! i have a stomachache.'' i said, yawning. i brushed my tooths and went to bed, and my cat Kiki curled up with me.
sorry its such a short chapter!!!

chapter 3: it came, but not alot

i woke up and... i saw... SNOW! finally!! i umped out of bed and looked at the window... ''no!'' i yelled. there was only a bit of snow. i was looking foward to ride in my sled, never used till last winter. ''oh well...'' i thought. i went on the computer to check the temputure. it said '' a little bit of snow. but the sun will come again and it will melt!'' ''oh boy...'' i said. time to wait again.. ''i wonder if granny is up?'' i thought. i went in her bedroom and she was still sleeping.. then i went in the kitchen and the cake was left out in the middle of the night. but there was only 3 slices left! it had 8 before. well, 7, because i ate a slice. i looked at my cat, he was sitting on the 'new' couch. i looked at his mouth. there was... WHIP CREAM ON IT. ''you can't have cake!'' i said to my cat.
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Valval
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PostSubject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123   Mon Jun 21, 2010 11:26 pm

its good but doesn't really have a plot.. waiting for snow, granny gets cake, etc.put more oomph in to it! its still good though
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pokeranger
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PostSubject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123   Mon Jun 21, 2010 11:49 pm

Mmm, you made multiple mistakes. I always edit them for starters. So here is one for you.

Spoiler:
 
I only did the firt chapter for you. You got puncuations and mispellings. Remember to indent when a new person is speaking.
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Trash
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PostSubject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123   Tue Jun 22, 2010 12:18 am

I'm judging fairly, here me on this:
Your story has no particular plot whatsoever, and all three chapters could have been placed into one. You have terrible grammar and you can't write the simplest worlds correctly. Sorry, but its not a very good story...
Heres what MY version of the story would be;

Spoiler:
 

I made it way more interesting...You can use this if you want...just give credit.
And, I think there should be a scene where the cat dies, because eating chocolate kills them.
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Oliver
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PostSubject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123   Tue Jun 22, 2010 12:53 am

Anaira, yours has to much detail...
I didn't find churs more interesting. It was the same just with WAY to much details.
So, you purple, have to little details,
YOU anaira, too many.
So to both, a 8-10.
Anyways, purple, Your writing style REALLY needs some work.
And Ary, maybe its slice of life, not every story is all that grasping and StuffIt.
So Ary, please don't go around showing off something thats not that much of a detail.
And purple, you need some work too.

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PostSubject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123   Tue Jun 22, 2010 1:07 am

Kawaii Maker wrote:
Anaira, yours has to much detail...
I didn't find churs more interesting. It was the same just with WAY to much details.
So, you purple, have to little details,
YOU anaira, too many.
So to both, a 8-10.
Anyways, purple, Your writing style REALLY needs some work.
And Ary, maybe its slice of life, not every story is all that grasping and StuffIt.
So Ary, please don't go around showing off something thats not that much of a detail.
And purple, you need some work too.

Well if you MUST know, there are writers in my family, and their details go beyond. Atleast, I didnt add as mmuch detail as I wanted to, and this story is just too fake-looking. I wanted to spice thinngs off, well, the grammar and spelling helped.
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FreedoM 4EVA
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PostSubject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123   Tue Jun 22, 2010 1:15 am

Purple123 ur story in a way its fine! But improving in some parts it would become just wonderful!!
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Oliver
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PostSubject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123   Tue Jun 22, 2010 10:27 am

Anaira wrote:
Kawaii Maker wrote:
Anaira, yours has to much detail...
I didn't find churs more interesting. It was the same just with WAY to much details.
So, you purple, have to little details,
YOU anaira, too many.
So to both, a 8-10.
Anyways, purple, Your writing style REALLY needs some work.
And Ary, maybe its slice of life, not every story is all that grasping and StuffIt.
So Ary, please don't go around showing off something thats not that much of a detail.
And purple, you need some work too.

Well if you MUST know, there are writers in my family, and their details go beyond. Atleast, I didnt add as mmuch detail as I wanted to, and this story is just too fake-looking. I wanted to spice thinngs off, well, the grammar and spelling helped.

Yours is fake-looking too.
But meh, lets end this before we start a fight.

Purple, Ary is right, yours is VERY fake, with no detail, and very little characterization.
You both need help in writing for dif. Reasons, because details are exellent! But adding them in ALOT of stuff is not. BUT, no details is HORRIBLE, and chur writing style, is not very good purple...

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PostSubject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123   Tue Jun 22, 2010 10:51 am

Kawaii Maker wrote:
Anaira wrote:
Kawaii Maker wrote:
Anaira, yours has to much detail...
I didn't find churs more interesting. It was the same just with WAY to much details.
So, you purple, have to little details,
YOU anaira, too many.
So to both, a 8-10.
Anyways, purple, Your writing style REALLY needs some work.
And Ary, maybe its slice of life, not every story is all that grasping and StuffIt.
So Ary, please don't go around showing off something thats not that much of a detail.
And purple, you need some work too.

Well if you MUST know, there are writers in my family, and their details go beyond. Atleast, I didnt add as mmuch detail as I wanted to, and this story is just too fake-looking. I wanted to spice thinngs off, well, the grammar and spelling helped.

Yours is fake-looking too.
But meh, lets end this before we start a fight.

Purple, Ary is right, yours is VERY fake, with no detail, and very little characterization.
You both need help in writing for dif. Reasons, because details are exellent! But adding them in ALOT of stuff is not. BUT, no details is HORRIBLE, and chur writing style, is not very good purple...

*sigh.* You win.
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Valval
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PostSubject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123   Tue Jun 22, 2010 11:18 am

Kawaii Maker wrote:
Anaira, yours has to much detail...
I didn't find churs more interesting. It was the same just with WAY to much details.
So, you purple, have to little details,
YOU anaira, too many.
So to both, a 8-10.
Anyways, purple, Your writing style REALLY needs some work.
And Ary, maybe its slice of life, not every story is all that grasping and StuffIt.
So Ary, please don't go around showing off something thats not that much of a detail.
And purple, you need some work too.

I think details makes a story a GOOD story.. too many details makes it too exciting.
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bluesea
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Age : 20
Location : Happy Land :)

PostSubject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123   Tue Jun 22, 2010 12:38 pm

too much detail makes me tired, and i cbb reading it XD
purple, u just need to improve a little and ull be fine (:
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Sharpsul99
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PostSubject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123   Tue Jun 22, 2010 4:44 pm

Not to but in, but you guys are acting really big with 'detail'. Give people a break. It's not a real-life story and there are 42 page books out there with much detail, so please. I think there is the perfect amount of detail. Not to pop anyone's bubble, but not everyone makes 900,000 character chapters and sometimes really REALLY long chapters could get boring (no offense to anyone).

I think this is a greats story! You keep on writing Purple (:.
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pokeranger
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PostSubject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123   Tue Jun 22, 2010 5:49 pm

Urm, I didn't say ANYTHING about detail, fyi. I'm just saying she should revise before posting. Multiple spelling and puncuation mistakes. That's all
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Sakura
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PostSubject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123   Tue Jun 22, 2010 6:22 pm

Kawaii Maker wrote:
Anaira wrote:
Kawaii Maker wrote:
Anaira, yours has to much detail...
I didn't find churs more interesting. It was the same just with WAY to much details.
So, you purple, have to little details,
YOU anaira, too many.
So to both, a 8-10.
Anyways, purple, Your writing style REALLY needs some work.
And Ary, maybe its slice of life, not every story is all that grasping and StuffIt.
So Ary, please don't go around showing off something thats not that much of a detail.
And purple, you need some work too.

Well if you MUST know, there are writers in my family, and their details go beyond. Atleast, I didnt add as mmuch detail as I wanted to, and this story is just too fake-looking. I wanted to spice thinngs off, well, the grammar and spelling helped.

Yours is fake-looking too.
But meh, lets end this before we start a fight.

Purple, Ary is right, yours is VERY fake, with no detail, and very little characterization.
You both need help in writing for dif. Reasons, because details are exellent! But adding them in ALOT of stuff is not. BUT, no details is HORRIBLE, and chur writing style, is not very good purple...

The story is good. Keep writing! I agree with the grammar comments, but it's alright (: Practice!

@Kawaii- Just please be quiet! How can a story be FAKE? It's Fiction! Ugh. And also, don't tell people what they CAN'T do. If Ary likes detail, then let her write it. If you don't like it, simply click the little red "x" at the top of your browser and go do something else, kay? Honestly, I don't think I'd be very interested in a story you wrote if you didn't have "too" much detail. I'm not trying to be harsh, but everyone has their own opinions and their own style of writing.
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Sharpsul99
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PostSubject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123   Tue Jun 22, 2010 6:25 pm

Sakura wrote:
Kawaii Maker wrote:
Anaira wrote:
Kawaii Maker wrote:
Anaira, yours has to much detail...
I didn't find churs more interesting. It was the same just with WAY to much details.
So, you purple, have to little details,
YOU anaira, too many.
So to both, a 8-10.
Anyways, purple, Your writing style REALLY needs some work.
And Ary, maybe its slice of life, not every story is all that grasping and StuffIt.
So Ary, please don't go around showing off something thats not that much of a detail.
And purple, you need some work too.

Well if you MUST know, there are writers in my family, and their details go beyond. Atleast, I didnt add as mmuch detail as I wanted to, and this story is just too fake-looking. I wanted to spice thinngs off, well, the grammar and spelling helped.

Yours is fake-looking too.
But meh, lets end this before we start a fight.

Purple, Ary is right, yours is VERY fake, with no detail, and very little characterization.
You both need help in writing for dif. Reasons, because details are exellent! But adding them in ALOT of stuff is not. BUT, no details is HORRIBLE, and chur writing style, is not very good purple...

The story is good. Keep writing! I agree with the grammar comments, but it's alright (: Practice!

@Kawaii- Just please be quiet! How can a story be FAKE? It's Fiction! Ugh. And also, don't tell people what they CAN'T do. If Ary likes detail, then let her write it. If you don't like it, simply click the little red "x" at the top of your browser and go do something else, kay? Honestly, I don't think I'd be very interested in a story you wrote if you didn't have "too" much detail. I'm not trying to be harsh, but everyone has their own opinions and their own style of writing.

That's the message I was trying to get through everyone who commented on 'detail'!
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Oliver
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PostSubject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123   Tue Jun 22, 2010 7:53 pm

Sakura wrote:
Kawaii Maker wrote:
Anaira wrote:
Kawaii Maker wrote:
Anaira, yours has to much detail...
I didn't find churs more interesting. It was the same just with WAY to much details.
So, you purple, have to little details,
YOU anaira, too many.
So to both, a 8-10.
Anyways, purple, Your writing style REALLY needs some work.
And Ary, maybe its slice of life, not every story is all that grasping and StuffIt.
So Ary, please don't go around showing off something thats not that much of a detail.
And purple, you need some work too.

Well if you MUST know, there are writers in my family, and their details go beyond. Atleast, I didnt add as mmuch detail as I wanted to, and this story is just too fake-looking. I wanted to spice thinngs off, well, the grammar and spelling helped.

Yours is fake-looking too.
But meh, lets end this before we start a fight.

Purple, Ary is right, yours is VERY fake, with no detail, and very little characterization.
You both need help in writing for dif. Reasons, because details are exellent! But adding them in ALOT of stuff is not. BUT, no details is HORRIBLE, and chur writing style, is not very good purple...

The story is good. Keep writing! I agree with the grammar comments, but it's alright (: Practice!

@Kawaii- Just please be quiet! How can a story be FAKE? It's Fiction! Ugh. And also, don't tell people what they CAN'T do. If Ary likes detail, then let her write it. If you don't like it, simply click the little red "x" at the top of your browser and go do something else, kay? Honestly, I don't think I'd be very interested in a story you wrote if you didn't have "too" much detail. I'm not trying to be harsh, but everyone has their own opinions and their own style of writing.

Ary called the story fake too, and I dont see you mad at her.
And yes, there are opinions, and writing styles. Im just saying, I also said that too little details wasnt good. o.e.
But yeah, your right. If I dont have anything nice to say, I shouldnt say anything at all.

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PostSubject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123   Today at 4:55 am

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