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 Isolated. ( A Story By DBMD.)

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Should I continue?
Yes! OMG I need to hear more!
25%
 25% [ 2 ]
Sure! That would be great.
63%
 63% [ 5 ]
yeah, whatever.
12%
 12% [ 1 ]
Uh, no, this sucks.
0%
 0% [ 0 ]
EW IF YOU DO I WILL DIE OF THE HORRIBLENESS.
0%
 0% [ 0 ]
Total Votes : 8
 

AuthorMessage
flower
Hero Fantagian


Posts : 7480
Join date : 2012-12-20
Age : 15

PostSubject: Isolated. ( A Story By DBMD.)   Thu Feb 14, 2013 8:33 pm



My vision is a blur. Blobs of colours, slight blues and yellows, fill my barely opened eyes. Between my numb fingers and toes, I can feel soft, crisp sand. It tickles in between my toes; giving me more of a reason to get up. I try to lift my tired arms, but I cannot. I am unable to lift them; they feel as if they are paralyzed. With a trembling hand, I touch my lips and discover they're cold. Water drips down my cold face, the salty taste filling my mouth. I gather all my strength to sit up, and to feel, touch my sand-filled hair. I look around, and for miles I see a beach, with luscious palm trees and crystal-coloured water. I see tiny fish swimming rapidly through the waters. A few inches away from me, I see a bright yellow piece of something sticking out of the deep sand. I reach for it, pulling it out and discover my hair ribbon. I curl it up into a ball, and stuff it into the torn pocket of my pink skirt. My yellow tang top is soaking wet, and I have no shoes or socks. All I have is my clothing and myself. Nothing out. No water. No food. No animals. No Other People. Just me. Just by myself.

Just me.


Just myself.

Just so you guys no, she wasn't in a plane crash. I get the idea you're thinking that? Her and her parents went to and island resort, and something happened and her parents are gone? -______________-


Last edited by DontBreakMeDown. on Fri Feb 15, 2013 2:09 pm; edited 1 time in total
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alex
Administrator
Administrator


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Join date : 2010-08-10
Age : 18
Location : google maps

PostSubject: Re: Isolated. ( A Story By DBMD.)   Thu Feb 14, 2013 8:47 pm

Try to vary sentence types and paragraph lengths, don't make one big paragraph.

Other than that I like it so far, I think you should continue it!

_________________


tumblr / 내 호버크라프트는 장어로 가득 차 있어요. ㅡㅅㅡ
thank u elliot for the pic of me n my gf♥
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o
Veteran Fantagian


Posts : 4269
Join date : 2011-11-11
Age : 16
Location : California

PostSubject: Re: Isolated. ( A Story By DBMD.)   Thu Feb 14, 2013 10:33 pm

yeah this should be continued as right now, there's no plot happening, just the setting. but like aisha said, make it into multiple paragraphs.
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SilverBell
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Posts : 3305
Join date : 2012-08-29
Age : 15
Location : A room in a house in a city in a county in a state in a country in a continent in a planet in a solar system in a galaxy in a universe

PostSubject: Re: Isolated. ( A Story By DBMD.)   Thu Feb 14, 2013 11:23 pm

It's nice I guess, very detailed, but... Really unoriginal, sorry.
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char
Hero Fantagian


Posts : 6313
Join date : 2012-11-12
Age : 17
Location : New Jersey

PostSubject: Re: Isolated. ( A Story By DBMD.)   Fri Feb 15, 2013 2:04 pm

Yeah, listen to Hop and Aisha about forming paragraphs.
The detail is great, but so many people have done this story theme before so yeah...
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flower
Hero Fantagian


Posts : 7480
Join date : 2012-12-20
Age : 15

PostSubject: Re: Isolated. ( A Story By DBMD.)   Fri Feb 15, 2013 2:09 pm

CottonCandy wrote:
It's nice I guess, very detailed, but... Really unoriginal, sorry.

It's not about a girl who was in a crash. -_-
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PostSubject: Re: Isolated. ( A Story By DBMD.)   Today at 9:14 pm

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