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 drabble i wrote when i was about 12

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devin
New Fantagian


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Join date : 2013-06-16
Age : 18
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PostSubject: drabble i wrote when i was about 12   Sun Jun 16, 2013 9:06 pm

i found this in a pile of my old writings and i can't stop laughing i didn't even know what love was back then so

mainly consists of excessive run-on sentences and italics for emphasis

*

  When you fall in love, you are skating on thin ice. You are treading new ground and you're stepping into the battle zone without a shield, opening your arms all wide, saying, "Hey, look at me, I'm open, I'm open, I'm ready."

  But you aren't ready. You aren't.

  And the one you love smiles at you - they smile at you like you're competition - and they take advantage of you. And - and you're so blindsided when they shoot you down and you're stupid. You feel so, so stupid because you knew. You knew it would happen, and how could you be so stupid? You expose yourself and you give them everything you have and they take and take and take because you let them and in the end, it's your fault.

  And then - and then, well, what's there to do after that? 

  It's over. That's it. Just like that.

  For all that it's never been worth, it's over.


Last edited by devin on Sun Jun 16, 2013 9:11 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Primrose
Ultimate Fantagian


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PostSubject: Re: drabble i wrote when i was about 12   Sun Jun 16, 2013 9:10 pm

That is very deep and the literary devices are just beautiful. I love it. Its touching. Its cute <3
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YEEZUS
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PostSubject: Re: drabble i wrote when i was about 12   Sun Jun 16, 2013 9:31 pm

That's actually rather well-written.
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devin
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PostSubject: Re: drabble i wrote when i was about 12   Sun Jun 16, 2013 10:23 pm

wow ok thanks for the compliments !x
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Amour Allure
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Location : Eating Cake >3<

PostSubject: Re: drabble i wrote when i was about 12   Thu Jun 20, 2013 3:13 pm

This is soo good,I like it!
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hikayamasan353
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Age : 20
Location : Ukraine, K***-ken, K***-shi, ***-ku, ***-chome, 2-3-1

PostSubject: Re: drabble i wrote when i was about 12   Thu Dec 19, 2013 8:00 am

Very mature (I always was thinking that all anime plots are and should be like this one =.=), but yet - I think that self-confidence is the key to be ready. It makes me try to think that love ain't even real... And leads me to perception of people meeting like civilizations contacting.
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saratheberra
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PostSubject: Re: drabble i wrote when i was about 12   Thu Dec 19, 2013 3:04 pm

BEAUTIFUL!!
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Colorora
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Posts : 425
Join date : 2012-12-20
Age : 12
Location : the land of not telling you

PostSubject: Re: drabble i wrote when i was about 12   Thu Dec 19, 2013 4:21 pm

It's pretty moving and accurate and the only grammar issue I could see was that you started 2 sentences w/ an and. Over all 9/10 great job!
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Sandy
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PostSubject: Re: drabble i wrote when i was about 12   Thu Dec 19, 2013 5:22 pm

This is actually really good.
Deep.
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PostSubject: Re: drabble i wrote when i was about 12   Today at 5:32 am

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