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 ~A piece of mind on fire~ A story I'm making

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Techno Kitten
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PostSubject: ~A piece of mind on fire~ A story I'm making   Mon Aug 05, 2013 4:49 am

Okay I haven't done this yet on here but I'll give it a shot. So the story is about 17(a couple will be introduced each chapter) 9-year old kids that were in a summer camp far away from their homes, and the camp burns down and the adults died with it so they must learn how to survive together. They will also sort of bond like a family the farther the story goes. The story is a Heart Warming/Action/Sad(only in the beginning) story. Here I go...

Ace Myles patted his hand on the ground in frustration,rocks tumbling down as he stomped.Tears dripped down his cheek onto the surface. Puddles of tears were crowding the ground as Ace swooped his hands up to cover his eyes and have a really long sulk. "What are we going to do now?" He thought. His shredded jeans were soaking with water and he had a massive amount of dark circles around his eyes--probably because of all that crying. He already gave up on everything and he was sure he'd never see his parents ever again. To think if he never was in the summer camp, he'd be safe with his family and their tender care-- and look at him now; crying and looking like a wreck, with no shelter, even. Stella Ryss was pitying Ace, rubbing his shoulder slowly with a strong frown. She kept cringing like she was about to cry but quickly stopped and glanced back at Ace. She kept trying to think on the positive side but all those horrible memories kept flowing into her mind. Ace was usually the one to comfort Stella but Ace was just so devastated and couldn't handle all the stress. Stella, on the other hand, of course, she was still very depressed but she didn't care as much; her family wasn't really appreciative of her nearly as much as Ace's were. She turned to face Dan Fann. Usually he was the guy everybody made fun of because his name and last name rhymed, but nobody cared. All they wanted to do now is to cry themselves to sleep and maybe it would just end up as a nightmare. But they knew they were thinking out of reality, it was just so real to be a nightmare. Dan announced "I'm going to go try to find shelter."  He ran off out of everybody else's sight. They all hoped he would find something. The tips of Stella's dark brown hair were flying around and hit Ace's face. Ace silently picked them away as he slowly lowered his hands and revealed his face again. His maple colored eyes glared at Stella. It was so hard to see Ace with so many tears streaming down his face. It was a pain to look at it. Stella looked down and sat next to Ace. Ace quickly calmed down, and when it seemed like forever, he finally asked what he wanted to ask somebody. "Are we going to be ok..?" His hoarse voice whispered out. Stella was scared and didn't know what to say. She opened her mouth but nothing ever came out. Then she went for the most foolish, unhelpful answer:"I don't know."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dan kept his eyes wide open as he marched to look for a house. He never actually saw houses close to the camp except seperate rooms for the camp. They burnt down too, unfortunately. Dan's neon green sneakers were snapping twigs and mud was coating the bottom of his shoes as he reached a swamp. He thought it would be best to head back. If he went any further, danger might of lurked, and he wouldn't want to take any chances especially after what happened. Suddenly, Dan heard

I'm a bit tired..I'm going to edit this and finish it tomorrow.(Ok ok it's also because I want to end this part on a cliffhanger) So consider this a sneak peek. Please don't be too critical, sometimes I take those to the heart. Although suggestions are appreciated! And remember it is my first time! Ciao.
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PostSubject: Re: ~A piece of mind on fire~ A story I'm making   Mon Aug 05, 2013 5:57 am

You need to use proper paragraph structure.

{ A paragraph Is 6-8 sentences }
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PostSubject: Re: ~A piece of mind on fire~ A story I'm making   Mon Aug 05, 2013 7:12 pm

Angellina wrote:
You need to use proper paragraph structure.

{ A paragraph Is 6-8 sentences }
Oh, sorry, I didn't realise that. Thank you!
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PostSubject: Re: ~A piece of mind on fire~ A story I'm making   Today at 8:49 am

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