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 My first story I guess... Miranda<3

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Miranda2
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PostSubject: My first story I guess... Miranda<3   Fri Sep 13, 2013 6:22 pm

Well uh, I guess you should read it. Uhm time for the fun part: Disclaimers: I do not support this kind of life and not wish it on anyone of you. I don't condone what she does. If you have a problem take it up with me.
I know where this story is going and if you say I'm copying from a book I will deny that statement.
How Celina looks:
 
I made a Title~
The diary of how I became famous:
 


Last edited by Miranda<3 on Fri Sep 20, 2013 11:25 am; edited 6 times in total
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flandre
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PostSubject: Re: My first story I guess... Miranda<3   Fri Sep 13, 2013 7:27 pm

I love it!

This reminds me of dork diaries. In the first book Nikki didnt want a dairy and always has issues with her life.
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Relora
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PostSubject: Re: My first story I guess... Miranda<3   Fri Sep 13, 2013 7:29 pm

Just a few grammatical and syntax errors, but it sounds interesting c:

I like it!
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Primrose
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PostSubject: Re: My first story I guess... Miranda<3   Fri Sep 13, 2013 7:47 pm

I don't like it very much. No offense. But, here's a tip -
write in a chatty, informal style. in diaries, you will unlikely find these symbols " ". Also, diary writing can be hard. There is no narrator, you write the story. But you can't be detailed. Another thing about diary writing is that you can add in comments or thoughts that you wouldn't dare say out loud. For example -
Normal writing - Marie ran down the stairs lazily, carrying her book in her hand as she walked down step by step. "So, honey, did you like your birthday gift?" Her mother asked, curiously, with her eyes glowing innocently. "Not at all mom." Marie answered. She was clearly not in the mood. "Why the heck would she give me a diary? It's just a stupid book, all in blank." She thought to herself angrily. "Why not?" Her mother asked. She seemed to whimper like a puppy. Marie hated those puppy eyes. "Because it's a stupid book, alright?" Marie yelled as she stormed out of the room.
Diary writing - Today I was walking down the stairs, early in the morning, before school. My mom asked me if I liked my birthday gift. Which in this case, is you. My stupid, dumb, useless diary. I said no. I was not in the mood. The opposite, in fact. I thought about my diary. A stupid book with 301 blank pages. My mom then asked me why I didn't like it. With those puppy eyes. I hate those innocent puppy eyes. I said it was a stupid book. I yelled it out as I ran out of the house.

You can see the difference. Imagine it was your own diary. You can't remember every single detail of the day. Many things happen, and near the end of the day you aren't able to remember all of them. Also, fix spelling, grammar and all of that stuff.
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Miranda2
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PostSubject: Re: My first story I guess... Miranda<3   Sat Sep 14, 2013 10:01 am

@Homura Thanks I'll try to keep writting it
@Relora I'm learning about grammar in school now so I guess as the year goes on I'll fix some things
@Primrose I'm trying to have the diary being wrote in as like a friend or something I havn't really got my point across with the story/

I will try to go in and fix mistakes as I go on. I do not have that high of a lexile (1000 I think) but anyways~ I'm not that good of a writter yet and I will Improve on as the story grows.
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flandre
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PostSubject: Re: My first story I guess... Miranda<3   Sat Sep 14, 2013 10:32 am

dork diaries cx:
 
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Miranda2
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PostSubject: Re: My first story I guess... Miranda<3   Sat Sep 14, 2013 10:54 am

Homura wrote:
dork diaries cx:
 
My chacters are older and popularer.
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Janelle
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PostSubject: Re: My first story I guess... Miranda<3   Sat Sep 14, 2013 10:59 am

I like the story, there's some spelling mistakes, but its a good story.
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Cutie Patootie
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PostSubject: Re: My first story I guess... Miranda<3   Sat Sep 14, 2013 11:01 am

I liked it. Sooooo
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PostSubject: Re: My first story I guess... Miranda<3   Sat Sep 14, 2013 11:04 am

I love the update to the story
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PostSubject: Re: My first story I guess... Miranda<3   Sat Sep 14, 2013 12:21 pm

To me the update was a little rushed but other than that it is really good. Smile 
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Miranda2
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PostSubject: Re: My first story I guess... Miranda<3   Sat Sep 14, 2013 12:37 pm

Thank you for the feed back! I'm trying to take what your saying into play.
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Flynn
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PostSubject: Re: My first story I guess... Miranda<3   Sat Sep 14, 2013 2:28 pm

Miranda<3 wrote:
Well uh, I guess you should read it. Uhm time for the fun part: Disclaimers: I do not support this kind of life and not wish it on anyone of you. I don't condone what she does. If you have a problem take it up with me.
I know where this story is going and if you say I'm copying from a book I will deny that statement.
How Celina looks:
 
Story Updated Entry 3 in!!:
 
I'm noticing several spelling, grammar and punctuation mistakes. I can fix them for you if you want, but I thought I'd ask before I edited something you made.

Would a person who really didn't want a diary write in it? I think not. In my opinion, Celina's comment to her mother sounded whiny and was uncalled for. I mean, she even named her diary. She shouldn't have complained that she didn't want it when she obviously does.

Also, I should point out as a partially Irish person that most of us do not in fact have red hair. That's just a stereotype. The Scottish have a higher percentage of gingers.


I think the story idea is cute, but I'd say it needs a bit of work. 4/10 in total.
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Miranda2
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PostSubject: Re: My first story I guess... Miranda<3   Sat Sep 14, 2013 3:11 pm

Jester wrote:
Miranda<3 wrote:
Well uh, I guess you should read it. Uhm time for the fun part: Disclaimers: I do not support this kind of life and not wish it on anyone of you. I don't condone what she does. If you have a problem take it up with me.
I know where this story is going and if you say I'm copying from a book I will deny that statement.
How Celina looks:
 
Story Updated Entry 3 in!!:
 
I'm noticing several spelling, grammar and punctuation mistakes. I can fix them for you if you want, but I thought I'd ask before I edited something you made.

Would a person who really didn't want a diary write in it? I think not. In my opinion, Celina's comment to her mother sounded whiny and was uncalled for. I mean, she even named her diary. She shouldn't have complained that she didn't want it when she obviously does.

Also, I should point out as a partially Irish person that most of us do not in fact have red hair. That's just a stereotype. The Scottish have a higher percentage of gingers.


I think the story idea is cute, but I'd say it needs a bit of work. 4/10 in total.
I point out its still my first story and I'm fixing the bugs and I know about some grammar errors that I'm going to go in and try to fix. Also with the diary part. She doesn't have anything better to do. I can name a couple of books where they don't have a lot better to do than write in the diary. I will name these titles: Lucy in the sky, Go ask Alice, The whole Dork Diaries sereis
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Flynn
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PostSubject: Re: My first story I guess... Miranda<3   Sat Sep 14, 2013 4:01 pm

Miranda<3 wrote:
Jester wrote:
Miranda<3 wrote:
Well uh, I guess you should read it. Uhm time for the fun part: Disclaimers: I do not support this kind of life and not wish it on anyone of you. I don't condone what she does. If you have a problem take it up with me.
I know where this story is going and if you say I'm copying from a book I will deny that statement.
How Celina looks:
 
Story Updated Entry 3 in!!:
 
I'm noticing several spelling, grammar and punctuation mistakes. I can fix them for you if you want, but I thought I'd ask before I edited something you made.

Would a person who really didn't want a diary write in it? I think not. In my opinion, Celina's comment to her mother sounded whiny and was uncalled for. I mean, she even named her diary. She shouldn't have complained that she didn't want it when she obviously does.

Also, I should point out as a partially Irish person that most of us do not in fact have red hair. That's just a stereotype. The Scottish have a higher percentage of gingers.


I think the story idea is cute, but I'd say it needs a bit of work. 4/10 in total.
I point out its still my first story and I'm fixing the bugs and I know about some grammar errors that I'm going to go in and try to fix. Also with the diary part. She doesn't have anything better to do. I can name a couple of books where they don't have a lot better to do than write in the diary. I will name these titles: Lucy in the sky, Go ask Alice, The whole Dork Diaries sereis
I understand, but can you make that clear in the story?
If we knew that Celina was writing in the diary out of boredom, it wouldn't have sounded so much like she just lied to her mother to make her feel bad.
Thanks for clearing it up, though.
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Hallow ween
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PostSubject: Re: My first story I guess... Miranda<3   Wed Sep 25, 2013 3:36 am

I like it! My favorite was when you put the leaf in the book.
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