| | Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos | |
| | Author | Message |
---|
S Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1417 Join date : 2010-02-06 Age : 19 Location : sad town
| Subject: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Fri Jul 23, 2010 2:25 pm | |
| I actually intend to finish this story. No garunteeds though. ~Prologue~ - Spoiler:
The rain thudded down on the Manor's dull black roof. Fire flared strongly in the gray-stoned fireplace. Shadows from the green fire danced eerily around the room. A Black pheonix was perched on top of a large backed chair. The chair was facing the fire, all that could be seen was the red velvet of its back. An average sized bony hand was clutching one of the chair arms, sharp pointy red nails raking savagely into it. The fire flared sparks of all colors shooting throughout the room, green and rainbow flames seemed to battle for a minute, then the rainbow overtook the green. No green flames remained. The white hand lurched forward, and the skidding of the chair closer to the flames was heard. A small gasp was barely audible, coming from the habitance sitting in the chair. A silky smooth voice eminated from the thing sitting cooly in the chair, "The child is born... Kill it." The footsteps of four people quietly left the room, then the padding and flapping of four animals. A few minutes passed, then a few hours. The flames gasped out leaving the room utterly dark. A snap from the fingers of the cruel white hands, and green flames leapt from the logs. The green flames lived again in the fire place. A quiet cackle from the habitance was all that remained of the scene.
~Chapter One~ - Spoiler:
"Buzz Buzz Buzz!" My old hammydown alarm clock beeped angrily, I rolled over keeping the pillow covering my ears. I groaned as my cousin smacked me with her pillow, "Wake up!" She yelled smiling sweetly. Of course her smile was fake, everything about my cousin and her family was fake. Sighed I groggily leapt out of bed. "Time to go to our new school!" she cried, using the fake voice I hate so much. "Yes, how great?! Just another new school, not that we havn't experienced hundreds already!" I said sarcastically. All sweetness dropped from my cousin like a bomb, "You could at least try to be enjoyable, instead of being a loser like always." She glared at me for about five minutes untill I finally slammed the door in her face. Why should I even bother trying to be happy? It would go the same as always, she'd automatically become "BFFs" with the most popular girl, and I would slowly fall into place with the other "nerds". I sighed, and pulled on some of my old, faded blue jeans and just an average T-Shirt. Sighing heavily, I grabbed my red brush with the soft bristles and started brushing my hair. I had my whole day planned out, all the first days we've been to were all the same. You see my Uncle, he was a "World Wide Financial Advisor," So we we're moving all over the place all the time. So that allowed us to go to practically all the schools in the country. I heard footsteps... 5...4...3...2...1... My door burst open and my cousin, her and her pink self standing in the low doorway. She was dressed like she was all the time, pink dresses, long pink tops with Black, white, or brown leggings, or when she was feeling "Creative," She'd change the colors up to white and black. The same pearl necklace she wore all the time, and her favorite lipgloss. Not to mention the new headband she'd bought at the flea market last saturday. It had two gold plastic strips, one marking the front, the other the back. In between the two bars were extremely unrealistic diamonds, sticking out here and there. Her eyes moved up and down as she examined me, we thought the same things we always did. Her, Eww... And me, Blonde... She rolled her eyes, and I rolled mine. She spun around on her heels and walked off, leaving strawberry and flower scented trails. I sighed and packed my books and other school items in my bags a few seconds before my grumpy Aunt could shout, "SARAH! OUT! BUS ... NOW!" Sighing for at least the sixth time that day, time to meet the new bus driver, I thought unhappily.
~Chapter Two~ - Spoiler:
The bus screeched as it pulled in close to the bus stop. Just a normal yellow bus, except for the fact that it had "FANTAGE," in large bold letters. The last one had said, "CALIFORNIA," Not too interesting but at least it meant I was in a new town. The doors made a loud screeching noise as they opened, a puff of steam was let out. Wow is this like a scary movie or something? Jessica, my cousin pushed me out of the way and went first, I noticed her jump back, then she patted herself and walked to a seat. I stepped up the three steps and noticed why Jessica had jumped. Not because the bus driver was such an ugly old woman with lots of worts, but because a black cat was sitting on her feet. When I walked past it, the cat sat up straight and stared at me, I could've sworn its eyes flashed green, but I was probably just halucinating from all the perfume Jessica put on. I walked a little to the seat where Jessica was sitting, purposely as far away from the black cat as she could be. I sat down next to her. She nudged my arm and whispered, "Sarah... this is creepy," Jessica scared? Wow, Thats a first. I just shrugged, but then I noticed why she was freaking. The cat was sitting on the floor an inch from the seat. I stared completely surprised, I scooted a little farther from the edge closer to Jessica. The cat stepped forward, and put its paws on the seat edge. It stared at me, I stared at it. Its eyes flashed green again, this time I was sure they had. It opened its mouth, but instead of meowing, it hissed. I shrunk back a little again. The cat opened its mouth wider and hissed, but this time it was different. The hisses almost sounded like words. It kept hissing, and I realized it was saying something. "We've been waiting for you.... child." I almost screamed, but I didn't, I nudged Jessica hard. "Did you hear that?!" I whispered, "Hear what?" she said. "The cat!" I replied, the hairs on the back of my neck started to raise. "It said something to me!" Jessica glared, "Stop trying to make me freak out more than I already am. Its just hissing its head off at you," I could tell she wasn't lying, her eyebrow crinkles up when she does. I scooted closer to Jessica trying to ignore the cat. I jumped as someone said, "HI! I'm Sydney! I'm supposed to show you around today," she giggled with the same fake sweetness like Jessica did. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed the cat scamper back to the bus driver. The bus screeched to a stop, and the Sydney girl started talking again, "Anyways would you please come with me Sarah? Jessica another guide will be waiting for you," How did she know our names? Gah, probably those stupid school paper things. I thought, but I was still a little puzzled...
~Chapter Three~ - Spoiler:
Sydney quickly dropped all sweetness when we were away from the teachers, and mobs of people. "Look freak, I'm just going to show you around and then were done, I WON'T TALK TO YOU EVER AGAIN! GOT THAT?" she yelled in my face, "Yeah I do, and I don't really want to talk to you again." I said not bothering to watch for her angry expression. She sniffed and put her sweetness back on. After taking me just about everywhere, she led me into a busy hallway, we were about to turn into an extremely dark one, but then I caught one of the girls making eye contact with me. Her eyes were alarmingly blue, she shook her head vigorously at me. "Stop following her!!!" she mouthed. I shrugged and started turning away when the girls expression started to become extremely alarming. She kept mouthing "no!" at me, and when I started to turn away again she placed her finger on her throat and pulled it across. I just glared at her like she was crazy, and quickly started following Sydney again. We were about to hit the end of the hallway when Sydney grabbed my shirt neck and pulled me into a dim unused classroom. She shoved me across the room with surprising strength. Then she zoomed across, and grabbed my shirt collar and held me up high against the wall. "What the heck is your problem?!" I screamed at her. She was about to answer when I kicked her in her throat underneath her chin. She dropped me momentarily and clutched her throat, coughing. I was about to make a run for it when she grabbed my shirt neck and slammed me into the wall again. Then it hit me, I was alot higher then her arm could reach, in fact she wasn't even touching me. Her hand was just out in front of her. I'm just floating in mid air, seriously? Whats with this place. I was really starting to get scared, but then just to worsen things one of her hands burst into flames. "Umm, your hands' on fire..." I said. "SHUTTUP!" she yelled. Suddenly she smiled crookidly, evily... "The one we've waited so long for... the fates has just delivered you to me." I could tell she was really getting happy. "Um.. What is this? Harry Potter?" I said trying to slow her down before she could do anything to me. "SHUTTUP!" She yelled again. "I could just deliver you to Zarletfina, or finish you myself..." she said, seriously starting to enjoy herself. "I think I shall just finish you here," She raised her flaming hand, and reached out to grab my throat. She let out a small gasp then fell backwards, the invisible force that was holding me evaporated, and I fell to my knees on the ground. Panting, I rose up going to run again, when I noticed the girl who had told me not to follow Sydney standing in the door way. One of her hands was stretched in front of her, little lightning sparks still zapped in and out of her fingers. "Move," she said urgently, I quick ran out of the way, fire hand, and now lightning girl, why oh why did we have to move here? She pulled her hand back and punched the air with the other, a lightning bolt zinged from her hand and hit Sydney in her heart. Sydney gurgled for a minute then dissolved. "Follow me, I need to get you to the circle, NOW!" I didn't even hesitate, I mean who would with a lightning girl?
~Chapter Four~ - Spoiler:
She was walking crazy fast, and I stumbled along behind her. I kept tripping and all that crap like I usually do. I mean how was she walking in those 6 inch stiletto heals, Were those even in school rules...? Well then again its not like it'd take much to convince the principal, she could just shoot laser beams out of her eyes or something. After a couple of minutes of me jogging along behind her, we crossed out of school property, "Dude where are we going?" I asked her getting a little worried. I didn't want to get sent to the principal's office on the first day. She just kept walking and didn't reply. I followed her for what seemed like an hour, 'till we stopped in a grove of thick trees. "Stand still," she said gruffly. I was about to freeze when I noticed I couldn't move anyways, stupid magic lightning girl... She stepped towards me and put her second and middle finger on the middle point of my forehead. "This won't hurt that much," she muttered. What?! Pain? Really, I'd just gotten blasted by some girl with a fire hand. Closing my eyes, I just waited for whatever she was going to be to be done. I wandered around in my mind for a while, but then I started to feel itching. What? Itching where, in my mind? How is that even possible? Then I saw it, little gray tendrils were starting to curl around my mind, one of them snatched out and bombed straight into my memories, it started to wrap around the ones of the fight and the lightning girl, it wrapped around it and started to squeeze it. Then It hit me, it was trying to erase the memory. Wait... how the crap did I know that? I did not want my memories erased thats for sure. I imagined myself with swords starting to cut the tendrils up, to my surprise they burst into chunks from where I was chopping them with my gigantor fantasy sword. I noticed the lightning girl flinch, then the tendrils started coming in faster. OUT! I screamed in my mind, I didn't know I was screaming it it out loud, I opened my eyes and stared in surprise as a beam of light burst from my hand and threw the lightning girl twenty feet into a tree. She just stared at me, completely surprised. Suddenly a ton of high pitched voices filled my mind, HAHA! NICE ONE SMACK HER AGAIN. HAHAHAHHA. I looked around me, nothing else was here except a few birds. HAHAH I'M TALKIN TO YOU STUPID HUMAN! One of the birds pecked my foot, while still laughing. "How the crap am I talking to you?!?!" I screamed at it. It was about to reply something completely rude when the lightning girl eyes still wide rushed and started bowing repeatedly at my feet. "What the crap, dude I'm not royalty whats your problem?"
~2008sarah~ @this is to dad and everyone else; ITS NOT HARRY POTTER! GAGHHHH!!!!
Last edited by 2008sarah on Wed Jul 28, 2010 11:27 pm; edited 9 times in total | |
| | | snake Former Staff
Posts : 1131 Join date : 2010-01-26
| Subject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Fri Jul 23, 2010 2:36 pm | |
| awesomeness 0: can't wait fo' mo'..... [: | |
| | | Nakira Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1137 Join date : 2010-07-12 Age : 27 Location : the groan zone
| Subject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Fri Jul 23, 2010 2:57 pm | |
| May I say some constructive criticism?
You've got a great start. The descriptions are pretty good, and I like the cliffhanger ending. It makes me want to read more. The plot seems pretty fascinating. And the title of the story drags me in, I want to know what this story is about. However, your descriptions could use a little work. The sentences are a bit choppy, you may want to combine them using commas. Also, too many sentences begin with "The" and "A". It's a tad repetitive. Try saying the same thing, but wording it differently. For example, you could turn "The chair was turned facing the fire so all you could see was the red velvet of its back." into "All you could see of the chair was the red velvet of its back, for it was facing the fire.". I know, not the best example, but you get the picture. XD
Other than that, your story is very impressive, and probably the most interesting one I've seen on this board. I can't wait for Chapter One!! *.* | |
| | | S Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1417 Join date : 2010-02-06 Age : 19 Location : sad town
| Subject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Fri Jul 23, 2010 3:02 pm | |
| - Nakira wrote:
- May I say some constructive criticism?
You've got a great start. The descriptions are pretty good, and I like the cliffhanger ending. It makes me want to read more. The plot seems pretty fascinating. And the title of the story drags me in, I want to know what this story is about. However, your descriptions could use a little work. The sentences are a bit choppy, you may want to combine them using commas. Also, too many sentences begin with "The" and "A". It's a tad repetitive. Try saying the same thing, but wording it differently. For example, you could turn "The chair was turned facing the fire so all you could see was the red velvet of its back." into "All you could see of the chair was the red velvet of its back, for it was facing the fire.". I know, not the best example, but you get the picture. XD
Other than that, your story is very impressive, and probably the most interesting one I've seen on this board. I can't wait for Chapter One!! *.* Haha thanks, I'm glad i'm not the only person on the forum that can give a good criticism. Normally I do use commas and proper grammar, although I was in such a rush to get the prologue out. I usually go back and edit the text after a few minutes, like a mini break. I completely forgot this time. I also found that I had lots of run on sentences and choppiness. Ohwell like I said, I'll go back in and edit it eventually, the chapter should be much better. Or not. Teehee. ~Edit I edited the story as I said I would. Is it better now? x] | |
| | | Nakira Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1137 Join date : 2010-07-12 Age : 27 Location : the groan zone
| Subject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Fri Jul 23, 2010 3:09 pm | |
| - 2008sarah wrote:
- Nakira wrote:
- May I say some constructive criticism?
You've got a great start. The descriptions are pretty good, and I like the cliffhanger ending. It makes me want to read more. The plot seems pretty fascinating. And the title of the story drags me in, I want to know what this story is about. However, your descriptions could use a little work. The sentences are a bit choppy, you may want to combine them using commas. Also, too many sentences begin with "The" and "A". It's a tad repetitive. Try saying the same thing, but wording it differently. For example, you could turn "The chair was turned facing the fire so all you could see was the red velvet of its back." into "All you could see of the chair was the red velvet of its back, for it was facing the fire.". I know, not the best example, but you get the picture. XD
Other than that, your story is very impressive, and probably the most interesting one I've seen on this board. I can't wait for Chapter One!! *.* Haha thanks, I'm glad i'm not the only person on the forum that can give a good criticism. Normally I do use commas and proper grammar, although I was in such a rush to get the prologue out. I usually go back and edit the text after a few minutes, like a mini break. I completely forgot this time. I also found that I had lots of run on sentences and choppiness. Ohwell like I said, I'll go back in and edit it eventually, the chapter should be much better. Or not. Teehee. Yeah, sometimes when I'm in a rush I just forget all of my English lessons. XD And then when I'm reading it like a day later I realize how many mistakes I've made. ^_^'' | |
| | | S Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1417 Join date : 2010-02-06 Age : 19 Location : sad town
| Subject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Fri Jul 23, 2010 3:11 pm | |
| I edited the story, as I said I would. Is it better now? x] Honestly I have so many vague ideas for this story, I know not how it shall turn out! D: | |
| | | Nakira Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1137 Join date : 2010-07-12 Age : 27 Location : the groan zone
| Subject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Fri Jul 23, 2010 3:33 pm | |
| Even better! A lot more suspenseful, and the details were amazing. ^.^ | |
| | | Bloobu Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1100 Join date : 2010-06-05 Age : 24
| Subject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Fri Jul 23, 2010 3:55 pm | |
| - 2008sarah wrote:
- I edited the story, as I said I would. Is it better now? x] Honestly I have so many vague ideas for this story, I know not how it shall turn out! D:
not a lot of people ever know how to put their story in place also i love it i hope you can write more now | |
| | | roxine Regular Fantagian
Posts : 191 Join date : 2010-07-05 Age : 28
| Subject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Fri Jul 23, 2010 4:13 pm | |
| gosh, Can't wait for more!!! | |
| | | S Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1417 Join date : 2010-02-06 Age : 19 Location : sad town
| Subject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Fri Jul 23, 2010 8:43 pm | |
| Chapter ones up! I'll need A comment so I can write chapter two tommorow, (Only so I can post that its up lol.) | |
| | | Nakira Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1137 Join date : 2010-07-12 Age : 27 Location : the groan zone
| Subject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Fri Jul 23, 2010 9:45 pm | |
| I love the descriptions, they're amazing. The story is at an interesting start, there's so much I want to know. Eagerly awaiting the next chapter! | |
| | | alyssagirl.(: Regular Fantagian
Posts : 105 Join date : 2010-07-13
| Subject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Fri Jul 23, 2010 10:17 pm | |
| goood job.(: i like it. cant wait for chapter 2.! ;D | |
| | | roxine Regular Fantagian
Posts : 191 Join date : 2010-07-05 Age : 28
| | | | S Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1417 Join date : 2010-02-06 Age : 19 Location : sad town
| Subject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Sat Jul 24, 2010 2:08 pm | |
| Chapter two's out! | |
| | | Nakira Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1137 Join date : 2010-07-12 Age : 27 Location : the groan zone
| Subject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Sat Jul 24, 2010 2:10 pm | |
| - 2008sarah wrote:
- but I was probably just halucinating from all the perfume Jessica put on.
Best. Line. Ever. XD | |
| | | coolkat1124 Regular Fantagian
Posts : 192 Join date : 2010-07-21 Age : 28 Location : doesnt matter ;)
| Subject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Sat Jul 24, 2010 3:15 pm | |
| | |
| | | juliajuljulia Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1516 Join date : 2010-07-08 Age : 29 Location : Mars
| Subject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Sat Jul 24, 2010 4:27 pm | |
| | |
| | | S Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1417 Join date : 2010-02-06 Age : 19 Location : sad town
| Subject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Sat Jul 24, 2010 4:37 pm | |
| Chapter threes up! | |
| | | coolkat1124 Regular Fantagian
Posts : 192 Join date : 2010-07-21 Age : 28 Location : doesnt matter ;)
| Subject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Sat Jul 24, 2010 4:42 pm | |
| hahah so funny and really good! | |
| | | juliajuljulia Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1516 Join date : 2010-07-08 Age : 29 Location : Mars
| Subject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Sat Jul 24, 2010 4:49 pm | |
| chapter 3s great ur writing is great and so r u!!!!! | |
| | | S Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1417 Join date : 2010-02-06 Age : 19 Location : sad town
| Subject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Sat Jul 24, 2010 6:04 pm | |
| | |
| | | juliajuljulia Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1516 Join date : 2010-07-08 Age : 29 Location : Mars
| Subject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Sat Jul 24, 2010 6:11 pm | |
| | |
| | | S Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1417 Join date : 2010-02-06 Age : 19 Location : sad town
| Subject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Wed Jul 28, 2010 11:27 pm | |
| | |
| | | chrysanthemum7 Regular Fantagian
Posts : 230 Join date : 2010-03-28 Age : 23 Location : Yur closet<3
| Subject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Wed Jul 28, 2010 11:52 pm | |
| Kool story! Hope to see more! | |
| | | roxine Regular Fantagian
Posts : 191 Join date : 2010-07-05 Age : 28
| Subject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Thu Jul 29, 2010 4:13 am | |
| This is SO good, I can't wait for more! | |
| | | Sponsored content
| Subject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos | |
| |
| | | | Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos | |
|
Similar topics | |
|
| Permissions in this forum: | You cannot reply to topics in this forum
| |
| |
| Copyright Notice | All images & videos are copyright Fantage.com, Inc. Fantage Forum does not own any Fantage designs, images, videos, pictures, etc. |
Who is online? | In total there are 31 users online :: 0 Registered, 0 Hidden and 31 Guests None Most users ever online was 343 on Wed May 26, 2021 11:04 pm |
|