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 Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos

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S
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PostSubject: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Fri Jul 23, 2010 2:25 pm

I actually intend to finish this story. No garunteeds though.

~Prologue~
Spoiler:
 

~Chapter One~

Spoiler:
 

~Chapter Two~
Spoiler:
 

~Chapter Three~

Spoiler:
 

~Chapter Four~

Spoiler:
 

~2008sarah~
@this is to dad and everyone else;
ITS NOT HARRY POTTER! GAGHHHH!!!!


Last edited by 2008sarah on Wed Jul 28, 2010 11:27 pm; edited 9 times in total
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snake
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PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Fri Jul 23, 2010 2:36 pm

awesomeness 0:
can't wait fo' mo'..... [:
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Nakira
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PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Fri Jul 23, 2010 2:57 pm

May I say some constructive criticism?

You've got a great start. The descriptions are pretty good, and I like the cliffhanger ending. It makes me want to read more. The plot seems pretty fascinating. And the title of the story drags me in, I want to know what this story is about.

However, your descriptions could use a little work. The sentences are a bit choppy, you may want to combine them using commas. Also, too many sentences begin with "The" and "A". It's a tad repetitive. Try saying the same thing, but wording it differently. For example, you could turn
"The chair was turned facing the fire so all you could see was the red velvet of its back." into "All you could see of the chair was the red velvet of its back, for it was facing the fire.". I know, not the best example, but you get the picture. XD

Other than that, your story is very impressive, and probably the most interesting one I've seen on this board. I can't wait for Chapter One!! *.*
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S
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PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Fri Jul 23, 2010 3:02 pm

Nakira wrote:
May I say some constructive criticism?

You've got a great start. The descriptions are pretty good, and I like the cliffhanger ending. It makes me want to read more. The plot seems pretty fascinating. And the title of the story drags me in, I want to know what this story is about.

However, your descriptions could use a little work. The sentences are a bit choppy, you may want to combine them using commas. Also, too many sentences begin with "The" and "A". It's a tad repetitive. Try saying the same thing, but wording it differently. For example, you could turn
"The chair was turned facing the fire so all you could see was the red velvet of its back." into "All you could see of the chair was the red velvet of its back, for it was facing the fire.". I know, not the best example, but you get the picture. XD

Other than that, your story is very impressive, and probably the most interesting one I've seen on this board. I can't wait for Chapter One!! *.*

Haha thanks, I'm glad i'm not the only person on the forum that can give a good criticism. Normally I do use commas and proper grammar, although I was in such a rush to get the prologue out. I usually go back and edit the text after a few minutes, like a mini break. I completely forgot this time. I also found that I had lots of run on sentences and choppiness. Ohwell like I said, I'll go back in and edit it eventually, the chapter should be much better. Or not. Teehee.

~Edit
I edited the story as I said I would. Is it better now? x]
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Nakira
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PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Fri Jul 23, 2010 3:09 pm

2008sarah wrote:
Nakira wrote:
May I say some constructive criticism?

You've got a great start. The descriptions are pretty good, and I like the cliffhanger ending. It makes me want to read more. The plot seems pretty fascinating. And the title of the story drags me in, I want to know what this story is about.

However, your descriptions could use a little work. The sentences are a bit choppy, you may want to combine them using commas. Also, too many sentences begin with "The" and "A". It's a tad repetitive. Try saying the same thing, but wording it differently. For example, you could turn
"The chair was turned facing the fire so all you could see was the red velvet of its back." into "All you could see of the chair was the red velvet of its back, for it was facing the fire.". I know, not the best example, but you get the picture. XD

Other than that, your story is very impressive, and probably the most interesting one I've seen on this board. I can't wait for Chapter One!! *.*

Haha thanks, I'm glad i'm not the only person on the forum that can give a good criticism. Normally I do use commas and proper grammar, although I was in such a rush to get the prologue out. I usually go back and edit the text after a few minutes, like a mini break. I completely forgot this time. I also found that I had lots of run on sentences and choppiness. Ohwell like I said, I'll go back in and edit it eventually, the chapter should be much better. Or not. Teehee.

Yeah, sometimes when I'm in a rush I just forget all of my English lessons. XD And then when I'm reading it like a day later I realize how many mistakes I've made. ^_^''
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S
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PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Fri Jul 23, 2010 3:11 pm

I edited the story, as I said I would. Is it better now? x] Honestly I have so many vague ideas for this story, I know not how it shall turn out! D:
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Nakira
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PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Fri Jul 23, 2010 3:33 pm

Even better! A lot more suspenseful, and the details were amazing. ^.^
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Bloobu
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PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Fri Jul 23, 2010 3:55 pm

2008sarah wrote:
I edited the story, as I said I would. Is it better now? x] Honestly I have so many vague ideas for this story, I know not how it shall turn out! D:

not a lot of people ever know how to put their story in place Wink

also i love it Very Happy i hope you can write more now Very Happy
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roxine
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PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Fri Jul 23, 2010 4:13 pm

gosh, Can't wait for more!!! Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Fri Jul 23, 2010 8:43 pm

Chapter ones up! Very Happy I'll need A comment so I can write chapter two tommorow, (Only so I can post that its up lol.)
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Nakira
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PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Fri Jul 23, 2010 9:45 pm

I love the descriptions, they're amazing. The story is at an interesting start, there's so much I want to know. Eagerly awaiting the next chapter!
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alyssagirl.(:
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PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Fri Jul 23, 2010 10:17 pm

goood job.(: i like it. cant wait for chapter 2.! ;D
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FreedoM 4EVA
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PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Sat Jul 24, 2010 3:13 am

I just read a few lines and i found them really interesting!!!
Waiting for more!

Great job
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roxine
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PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Sat Jul 24, 2010 4:46 am

OMG, You write awesome!! Shocked Very Happy
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S
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PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Sat Jul 24, 2010 2:08 pm

Chapter two's out! Very Happy
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Nakira
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PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Sat Jul 24, 2010 2:10 pm

2008sarah wrote:
but I was probably just halucinating from all the perfume Jessica put on.

Best. Line. Ever. XD
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coolkat1124
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PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Sat Jul 24, 2010 3:15 pm

omg! so good!
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juliajuljulia
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PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Sat Jul 24, 2010 4:27 pm

UR STORY IS GREAT!
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PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Sat Jul 24, 2010 4:37 pm

Chapter threes up! Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Sat Jul 24, 2010 4:42 pm

hahah so funny and really good!
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PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Sat Jul 24, 2010 4:49 pm

chapter 3s great ur writing is great and so r u!!!!!
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PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Sat Jul 24, 2010 6:04 pm

Thanks people! :DDDDDD
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PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Sat Jul 24, 2010 6:11 pm

np
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PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Wed Jul 28, 2010 11:27 pm

Chapter four is up! xD
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PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Wed Jul 28, 2010 11:52 pm

Kool story! Hope to see more!
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