Fantage Forum
Welcome to the Fantage Forum.
Fantage Forum
Welcome to the Fantage Forum.


Fantage Cheats, Secrets, Glitches, Info & Help.
 
HomeSearchRegisterLog in


 

 Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos

Go down 
+5
roxine
Bloobu
Nakira
snake
S
9 posters
AuthorMessage
S
Dedicated Fantagian
S


Posts : 1417
Join date : 2010-02-06
Age : 19
Location : sad town

Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Empty
PostSubject: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Icon_minitimeFri Jul 23, 2010 2:25 pm

I actually intend to finish this story. No garunteeds though.

~Prologue~
Spoiler:

~Chapter One~

Spoiler:

~Chapter Two~
Spoiler:

~Chapter Three~

Spoiler:

~Chapter Four~

Spoiler:

~2008sarah~
@this is to dad and everyone else;
ITS NOT HARRY POTTER! GAGHHHH!!!!


Last edited by 2008sarah on Wed Jul 28, 2010 11:27 pm; edited 9 times in total
Back to top Go down
snake
Former Staff
Former Staff



Posts : 1131
Join date : 2010-01-26

Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Empty
PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Icon_minitimeFri Jul 23, 2010 2:36 pm

awesomeness 0:
can't wait fo' mo'..... [:
Back to top Go down
Nakira
Dedicated Fantagian
Nakira


Posts : 1137
Join date : 2010-07-12
Age : 27
Location : the groan zone

Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Empty
PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Icon_minitimeFri Jul 23, 2010 2:57 pm

May I say some constructive criticism?

You've got a great start. The descriptions are pretty good, and I like the cliffhanger ending. It makes me want to read more. The plot seems pretty fascinating. And the title of the story drags me in, I want to know what this story is about.

However, your descriptions could use a little work. The sentences are a bit choppy, you may want to combine them using commas. Also, too many sentences begin with "The" and "A". It's a tad repetitive. Try saying the same thing, but wording it differently. For example, you could turn
"The chair was turned facing the fire so all you could see was the red velvet of its back." into "All you could see of the chair was the red velvet of its back, for it was facing the fire.". I know, not the best example, but you get the picture. XD

Other than that, your story is very impressive, and probably the most interesting one I've seen on this board. I can't wait for Chapter One!! *.*
Back to top Go down
S
Dedicated Fantagian
S


Posts : 1417
Join date : 2010-02-06
Age : 19
Location : sad town

Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Empty
PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Icon_minitimeFri Jul 23, 2010 3:02 pm

Nakira wrote:
May I say some constructive criticism?

You've got a great start. The descriptions are pretty good, and I like the cliffhanger ending. It makes me want to read more. The plot seems pretty fascinating. And the title of the story drags me in, I want to know what this story is about.

However, your descriptions could use a little work. The sentences are a bit choppy, you may want to combine them using commas. Also, too many sentences begin with "The" and "A". It's a tad repetitive. Try saying the same thing, but wording it differently. For example, you could turn
"The chair was turned facing the fire so all you could see was the red velvet of its back." into "All you could see of the chair was the red velvet of its back, for it was facing the fire.". I know, not the best example, but you get the picture. XD

Other than that, your story is very impressive, and probably the most interesting one I've seen on this board. I can't wait for Chapter One!! *.*

Haha thanks, I'm glad i'm not the only person on the forum that can give a good criticism. Normally I do use commas and proper grammar, although I was in such a rush to get the prologue out. I usually go back and edit the text after a few minutes, like a mini break. I completely forgot this time. I also found that I had lots of run on sentences and choppiness. Ohwell like I said, I'll go back in and edit it eventually, the chapter should be much better. Or not. Teehee.

~Edit
I edited the story as I said I would. Is it better now? x]
Back to top Go down
Nakira
Dedicated Fantagian
Nakira


Posts : 1137
Join date : 2010-07-12
Age : 27
Location : the groan zone

Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Empty
PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Icon_minitimeFri Jul 23, 2010 3:09 pm

2008sarah wrote:
Nakira wrote:
May I say some constructive criticism?

You've got a great start. The descriptions are pretty good, and I like the cliffhanger ending. It makes me want to read more. The plot seems pretty fascinating. And the title of the story drags me in, I want to know what this story is about.

However, your descriptions could use a little work. The sentences are a bit choppy, you may want to combine them using commas. Also, too many sentences begin with "The" and "A". It's a tad repetitive. Try saying the same thing, but wording it differently. For example, you could turn
"The chair was turned facing the fire so all you could see was the red velvet of its back." into "All you could see of the chair was the red velvet of its back, for it was facing the fire.". I know, not the best example, but you get the picture. XD

Other than that, your story is very impressive, and probably the most interesting one I've seen on this board. I can't wait for Chapter One!! *.*

Haha thanks, I'm glad i'm not the only person on the forum that can give a good criticism. Normally I do use commas and proper grammar, although I was in such a rush to get the prologue out. I usually go back and edit the text after a few minutes, like a mini break. I completely forgot this time. I also found that I had lots of run on sentences and choppiness. Ohwell like I said, I'll go back in and edit it eventually, the chapter should be much better. Or not. Teehee.

Yeah, sometimes when I'm in a rush I just forget all of my English lessons. XD And then when I'm reading it like a day later I realize how many mistakes I've made. ^_^''
Back to top Go down
S
Dedicated Fantagian
S


Posts : 1417
Join date : 2010-02-06
Age : 19
Location : sad town

Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Empty
PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Icon_minitimeFri Jul 23, 2010 3:11 pm

I edited the story, as I said I would. Is it better now? x] Honestly I have so many vague ideas for this story, I know not how it shall turn out! D:
Back to top Go down
Nakira
Dedicated Fantagian
Nakira


Posts : 1137
Join date : 2010-07-12
Age : 27
Location : the groan zone

Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Empty
PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Icon_minitimeFri Jul 23, 2010 3:33 pm

Even better! A lot more suspenseful, and the details were amazing. ^.^
Back to top Go down
Bloobu
Dedicated Fantagian
Bloobu


Posts : 1100
Join date : 2010-06-05
Age : 24

Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Empty
PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Icon_minitimeFri Jul 23, 2010 3:55 pm

2008sarah wrote:
I edited the story, as I said I would. Is it better now? x] Honestly I have so many vague ideas for this story, I know not how it shall turn out! D:

not a lot of people ever know how to put their story in place Wink

also i love it Very Happy i hope you can write more now Very Happy
Back to top Go down
roxine
Regular Fantagian



Posts : 191
Join date : 2010-07-05
Age : 28

Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Empty
PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Icon_minitimeFri Jul 23, 2010 4:13 pm

gosh, Can't wait for more!!! Very Happy
Back to top Go down
S
Dedicated Fantagian
S


Posts : 1417
Join date : 2010-02-06
Age : 19
Location : sad town

Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Empty
PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Icon_minitimeFri Jul 23, 2010 8:43 pm

Chapter ones up! Very Happy I'll need A comment so I can write chapter two tommorow, (Only so I can post that its up lol.)
Back to top Go down
Nakira
Dedicated Fantagian
Nakira


Posts : 1137
Join date : 2010-07-12
Age : 27
Location : the groan zone

Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Empty
PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Icon_minitimeFri Jul 23, 2010 9:45 pm

I love the descriptions, they're amazing. The story is at an interesting start, there's so much I want to know. Eagerly awaiting the next chapter!
Back to top Go down
alyssagirl.(:
Regular Fantagian
alyssagirl.(:


Posts : 105
Join date : 2010-07-13

Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Empty
PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Icon_minitimeFri Jul 23, 2010 10:17 pm

goood job.(: i like it. cant wait for chapter 2.! ;D
Back to top Go down
roxine
Regular Fantagian



Posts : 191
Join date : 2010-07-05
Age : 28

Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Empty
PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Icon_minitimeSat Jul 24, 2010 4:46 am

OMG, You write awesome!! Shocked Very Happy
Back to top Go down
S
Dedicated Fantagian
S


Posts : 1417
Join date : 2010-02-06
Age : 19
Location : sad town

Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Empty
PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Icon_minitimeSat Jul 24, 2010 2:08 pm

Chapter two's out! Very Happy
Back to top Go down
Nakira
Dedicated Fantagian
Nakira


Posts : 1137
Join date : 2010-07-12
Age : 27
Location : the groan zone

Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Empty
PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Icon_minitimeSat Jul 24, 2010 2:10 pm

2008sarah wrote:
but I was probably just halucinating from all the perfume Jessica put on.

Best. Line. Ever. XD
Back to top Go down
coolkat1124
Regular Fantagian
coolkat1124


Posts : 192
Join date : 2010-07-21
Age : 28
Location : doesnt matter ;)

Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Empty
PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Icon_minitimeSat Jul 24, 2010 3:15 pm

omg! so good!
Back to top Go down
juliajuljulia
Loyal Fantagian
juliajuljulia


Posts : 1516
Join date : 2010-07-08
Age : 29
Location : Mars

Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Empty
PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Icon_minitimeSat Jul 24, 2010 4:27 pm

UR STORY IS GREAT!
Back to top Go down
S
Dedicated Fantagian
S


Posts : 1417
Join date : 2010-02-06
Age : 19
Location : sad town

Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Empty
PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Icon_minitimeSat Jul 24, 2010 4:37 pm

Chapter threes up! Very Happy
Back to top Go down
coolkat1124
Regular Fantagian
coolkat1124


Posts : 192
Join date : 2010-07-21
Age : 28
Location : doesnt matter ;)

Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Empty
PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Icon_minitimeSat Jul 24, 2010 4:42 pm

hahah so funny and really good!
Back to top Go down
juliajuljulia
Loyal Fantagian
juliajuljulia


Posts : 1516
Join date : 2010-07-08
Age : 29
Location : Mars

Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Empty
PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Icon_minitimeSat Jul 24, 2010 4:49 pm

chapter 3s great ur writing is great and so r u!!!!!
Back to top Go down
S
Dedicated Fantagian
S


Posts : 1417
Join date : 2010-02-06
Age : 19
Location : sad town

Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Empty
PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Icon_minitimeSat Jul 24, 2010 6:04 pm

Thanks people! :DDDDDD
Back to top Go down
juliajuljulia
Loyal Fantagian
juliajuljulia


Posts : 1516
Join date : 2010-07-08
Age : 29
Location : Mars

Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Empty
PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Icon_minitimeSat Jul 24, 2010 6:11 pm

np
Back to top Go down
S
Dedicated Fantagian
S


Posts : 1417
Join date : 2010-02-06
Age : 19
Location : sad town

Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Empty
PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Icon_minitimeWed Jul 28, 2010 11:27 pm

Chapter four is up! xD
Back to top Go down
chrysanthemum7
Regular Fantagian
chrysanthemum7


Posts : 230
Join date : 2010-03-28
Age : 23
Location : Yur closet<3

Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Empty
PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Icon_minitimeWed Jul 28, 2010 11:52 pm

Kool story! Hope to see more!
Back to top Go down
roxine
Regular Fantagian



Posts : 191
Join date : 2010-07-05
Age : 28

Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Empty
PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Icon_minitimeThu Jul 29, 2010 4:13 am

This is SO good, I can't wait for more! Very Happy
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content





Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Empty
PostSubject: Re: Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos   Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos Icon_minitime

Back to top Go down
 
Unauthorized Peices of the Primaline Book of Fellos
Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Book
» My Book Characters.
» writing a book
» Book ideas.
» Book I made

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Fantage Forum :: Fantage :: Fantage Creations-
Jump to: