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 ~Secret love~ a love story.

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Lyli
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PostSubject: ~Secret love~ a love story.   Fri Jul 23, 2010 4:51 pm

New story x3

(BTW, the people in this story are supposed to be English. Please read the character's dialogue in an English accent. kthx.)

~Preview~

Spoiler:
 

~Chapter 1~
Spoiler:
 
~Chapter 3~
Spoiler:
 

~Chapter 4~
Spoiler:
 

~Chapter 5~ (With a picture ;D)

Spoiler:
 

~Chapter 6~ (With another picture Very Happy)

Spoiler:
 

~Chapter 7~
Spoiler:
 

















Last edited by Beauty26 on Fri Aug 06, 2010 3:41 pm; edited 10 times in total
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kiki424
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PostSubject: Re: ~Secret love~ a love story.   Fri Jul 23, 2010 5:22 pm

I wanna hear more it seems sooo good! (btw luv ur avvi)
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Nakira
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PostSubject: Re: ~Secret love~ a love story.   Fri Jul 23, 2010 5:23 pm

The intro is pretty good, and the location sounds unique. Hope to see more! Soon!
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v
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PostSubject: Re: ~Secret love~ a love story.   Fri Jul 23, 2010 5:32 pm

Awesome~!

I need moar!

(My fam wants me to read, so yeah. xD)

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PostSubject: Re: ~Secret love~ a love story.   Fri Jul 23, 2010 5:48 pm

yay love stories Very Happy can't wait for more Razz
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Lyli
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PostSubject: Re: ~Secret love~ a love story.   Fri Jul 23, 2010 7:40 pm

~Chapter 1~

Spoiler:
 
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Nakira
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PostSubject: Re: ~Secret love~ a love story.   Fri Jul 23, 2010 8:36 pm

You've got a pretty good start so far. Can't wait for the next chapter. :3
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pokeranger
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PostSubject: Re: ~Secret love~ a love story.   Sat Jul 24, 2010 12:44 am

Awesome preview! I can't wait to hear more!
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Karen
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PostSubject: Re: ~Secret love~ a love story.   Sat Jul 24, 2010 1:33 am

Cool! I can't wait for more ;3
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Lyli
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PostSubject: Re: ~Secret love~ a love story.   Sat Jul 24, 2010 9:30 am

~Chapter 2~

Spoiler:
 
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snake
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PostSubject: Re: ~Secret love~ a love story.   Sat Jul 24, 2010 12:22 pm

nice, lyli~ waiting on the next chaptahhh.
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roxine
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PostSubject: Re: ~Secret love~ a love story.   Sat Jul 24, 2010 12:29 pm

I love the story Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Can't wait for more Razz
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PostSubject: Re: ~Secret love~ a love story.   Sat Jul 24, 2010 12:55 pm

I want moar!

(so i could tell my fam that i read alot. xD)

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Nakira
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PostSubject: Re: ~Secret love~ a love story.   Sat Jul 24, 2010 2:20 pm

May I say some constructive criticism? :3

You've got a great story idea, the possibilities are endless here. However, it would be nice if you described the school a bit more, and get into the characters' feelings and emotions. It would make the story more interesting. Also, since this story is taking place in the U.K. (in the part that's England, I'm presuming), so you might want to use British slang when British characters are talking. I can't wait to see what happens next, and I hope my advice wasn't totally useless. XD
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Lyli
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PostSubject: Re: ~Secret love~ a love story.   Sat Jul 24, 2010 3:05 pm

Nakira wrote:
May I say some constructive criticism? :3

You've got a great story idea, the possibilities are endless here. However, it would be nice if you described the school a bit more, and get into the characters' feelings and emotions. It would make the story more interesting. Also, since this story is taking place in the U.K. (in the part that's England, I'm presuming), so you might want to use British slang when British characters are talking. I can't wait to see what happens next, and I hope my advice wasn't totally useless. XD

I will, but I don't know too much "British Slang". Lol
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McKenna
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PostSubject: Re: ~Secret love~ a love story.   Sat Jul 24, 2010 4:10 pm

Nice chapter~

Although british people say "I am" more than "I'm".

Same with the other words like that.

Cant wait for more~

(Oh and i think they dont eat sushi lolol)

XD JK
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Lyli
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PostSubject: Re: ~Secret love~ a love story.   Sat Jul 24, 2010 4:15 pm

McKenna wrote:
Nice chapter~

Although british people say "I am" more than "I'm".

Same with the other words like that.

Cant wait for more~

(Oh and i think they dont eat sushi lolol)

XD JK

Lol. Idk if the do, or don't x3.

I got that line from The Clique, btw.
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Skai
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PostSubject: Re: ~Secret love~ a love story.   Sat Jul 24, 2010 4:32 pm

I lovee it but it seems to jump a bit, but thats it!
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Lyli
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PostSubject: Re: ~Secret love~ a love story.   Sat Jul 24, 2010 4:41 pm

Chapter 4 is posted (:
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S
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PostSubject: Re: ~Secret love~ a love story.   Sat Jul 24, 2010 4:43 pm

Nice, note; you mispelled spirit at the end of chapter four. You could make your chapters alot longer, the detail was quite nice in chapter four though. About the English/British accent, I dunno. You changed some words up to make it so, but honestly I'd read a book or two with british characters before trying to write in that accent. They say alot of things differently.

Wicked,Mum,Wot wot!, Cheerio, Chaps, and they always talk perfectly. (as in you can just hear the perfect grammar in their voices, at least with some.)
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coolkat1124
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PostSubject: Re: ~Secret love~ a love story.   Sat Jul 24, 2010 5:02 pm

REALLY good when is the next chapter coming out?
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Lyli
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PostSubject: Re: ~Secret love~ a love story.   Sat Jul 24, 2010 5:25 pm

coolkat1124 wrote:
REALLY good when is the next chapter coming out?

Soon x3
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PostSubject: Re: ~Secret love~ a love story.   Sat Jul 24, 2010 5:34 pm

yay!
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kiki424
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PostSubject: Re: ~Secret love~ a love story.   Sat Jul 24, 2010 5:36 pm

soo awesome! Can't wait to hear more-ur such a good writer beauty :3
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PostSubject: Re: ~Secret love~ a love story.   Sat Jul 24, 2010 9:19 pm

2008sarah wrote:
Nice, note; you mispelled spirit at the end of chapter four. You could make your chapters alot longer, the detail was quite nice in chapter four though. About the English/British accent, I dunno. You changed some words up to make it so, but honestly I'd read a book or two with british characters before trying to write in that accent. They say alot of things differently.

Wicked,Mum,Wot wot!, Cheerio, Chaps, and they always talk perfectly. (as in you can just hear the perfect grammar in their voices, at least with some.)

Yeah, like that. Also, Brits eat mostly the same stuff as Americans, so they do eat sushi. Very Happy
Here's some British slang phrases:

Nang => cool
Mouldies => Parents
Ledge => Someone who is greatly admired; a legend
Clappin => out of date
Phat-free => uncool, rubbish
Shizzle => someone you really admire, as in “she’s a shiz”
Gratz => Thanks
Hench => a tough boy, as in a henchman
Cringe => embarrassment, as in “your parents are a cringe”
Antwacky => unstylish or old-fashioned
Cotch down => hang out, chill out or sleep
Klingon => younger children, like irritable young brothers
Flat roofin’ => overworked at school, stressed
Za => abbreviation for pizza
Fudge => a really stupid person, derived from the grades they might be expected to get in their exams: F, U, D, G, E
Zep => a yob or lower class person
Oudish => very cool, excellent
Tin-grin => Someone who wears braces

Here's a slang guide for us Americans: http://www.effingpot.com/slang.shtml

EDIT: BTW, your American characters don't have to use this slang. X3
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