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 The Beginning (Story by Flower)

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flower
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PostSubject: The Beginning (Story by Flower)   Thu Oct 31, 2013 2:43 pm

Ok uh there's some gore and blood in this so watch out, just warning.

Prologue:
 

Should I continue? What do you think so far? Sorry this is really bad I'm just bored and waiting to go Trick-Or-Treating.
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Lord Voldemort
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Location : The dark kingdom and it's shadows.

PostSubject: Re: The Beginning (Story by Flower)   Thu Oct 31, 2013 3:18 pm

Oh my gosh you seriously have MAD writing skills. I desperately want to read more. You should continue (if you want to ahah)! Where'd you learn to do this?
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X
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PostSubject: Re: The Beginning (Story by Flower)   Thu Oct 31, 2013 3:38 pm

I like it; but is the story supposed to be constantly switching between first and third person?


Last edited by Angelic on Thu Oct 31, 2013 9:34 pm; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : I have no idea.)
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Lord Voldemort
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PostSubject: Re: The Beginning (Story by Flower)   Thu Oct 31, 2013 3:43 pm

Yeah ^ I caught onto that too, you need to stick to one "tense" if you'd like.
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Flynn
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PostSubject: Re: The Beginning (Story by Flower)   Thu Oct 31, 2013 3:56 pm

My critique:
 


All in all, it's a pretty good start but you need to be more clear on what's going on and why. We don't know a thing about your main character, or the chick who killed him/her. Or why she/he was shot in the first place.
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Lord Voldemort
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PostSubject: Re: The Beginning (Story by Flower)   Thu Oct 31, 2013 4:11 pm

EXACTLY JEFF! Try to set a scene and a mood, don't just try to be all mystery like. Give us a little feeling and open us up to the story.
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alison
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PostSubject: Re: The Beginning (Story by Flower)   Thu Oct 31, 2013 4:13 pm

honestly, i really don't like prologues. it's not necessary and doesn't do anything for the plot. just cut off the prologue and go straight to chapter one, seriously. some people can pull it off and can really capture the interest of the reader but most of the time it just turns people off.
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YEEZUS
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PostSubject: Re: The Beginning (Story by Flower)   Thu Oct 31, 2013 4:43 pm

i don't think it's supposed 2 b switching between first and third person tbh??? i might be wrong but it sounds to me like the narrator is the one being shot by a girl (the person being referred to in third person)
aNyway my only critique is really some of the wording used here and there?
sometimes it feels like u could use less adjectives and adverbs?? and u could maybe use more similes and metaphors and things to be more descriptive of things! then again this is mostly just what i personally enjoy when it comes 2 literature, so idk,,,,,hhh h
also fragments are a-OK in stories, but sometimes it's just best 2 make use of commas and such.
yEah but overall it's all good except 4 those couple of things and it's sort of short for telling something important like a death scene but u said u were just writing it out of boredom so i totally understand!!! and it seems like the sort of thing that's going 2 unravel itself over time, so i understand if that was intended as well~
you should definitely keep at writing tho!! you seem really good at it.
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o
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PostSubject: Re: The Beginning (Story by Flower)   Thu Oct 31, 2013 6:43 pm

*ISEENISEENISEENISEEN

AAAAAAHHHHHH THAT JUST BOTHERS ME SO MUCH. NEVER EVER USE 'I SEEN' I CAN'T STAND IT

other than that, really good job! the sentences are kind of choppy, but i'm assuming you did that on purpose.
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flower
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PostSubject: Re: The Beginning (Story by Flower)   Thu Oct 31, 2013 9:19 pm

Oh my gosh sorry about the flipping tenses. A LOT of people don't understand that's my writing style; I don't mean to do it, it's just my layout. @o Yep I did that on purpose. Also guys, I did this in 10 minutes and @Jeff It's not supposed to explain, I'm not explaining so I can engage the reader into it so they'll want more. It's just a prologue.

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Flynn
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PostSubject: Re: The Beginning (Story by Flower)   Fri Nov 01, 2013 9:01 am

Flower wrote:
Oh my gosh sorry about the flipping tenses. A LOT of people don't understand that's my writing style; I don't mean to do it, it's just my layout. @o Yep I did that on purpose. Also guys, I did this in 10 minutes and @Jeff It's not supposed to explain, I'm not explaining so I can engage the reader into it so they'll want more. It's just a prologue.

I don't know about most people, but I actually found that annoying as a reader of your story. If you don't even know who the characters are or any context of what's going on, it's very tedious to read.
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Lord Voldemort
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PostSubject: Re: The Beginning (Story by Flower)   Fri Nov 01, 2013 2:02 pm

I agree with Jeff, it gets quite confusing after switching tenses for so long sometimes you'd even get the characters mixed up. It would be great if you could stick to one, and as I said before set a general feeling and a scene.
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flower
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PostSubject: Re: The Beginning (Story by Flower)   Fri Nov 01, 2013 2:58 pm

Jeff wrote:
Flower wrote:
Oh my gosh sorry about the flipping tenses. A LOT of people don't understand that's my writing style; I don't mean to do it, it's just my layout. @o Yep I did that on purpose. Also guys, I did this in 10 minutes and @Jeff It's not supposed to explain, I'm not explaining so I can engage the reader into it so they'll want more. It's just a prologue.

I don't know about most people, but I actually found that annoying as a reader of your story. If you don't even know who the characters are or any context of what's going on, it's very tedious to read.
that's the point
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PostSubject: Re: The Beginning (Story by Flower)   Fri Nov 01, 2013 3:55 pm

Flower wrote:
Jeff wrote:
Flower wrote:
Oh my gosh sorry about the flipping tenses. A LOT of people don't understand that's my writing style; I don't mean to do it, it's just my layout. @o Yep I did that on purpose. Also guys, I did this in 10 minutes and @Jeff It's not supposed to explain, I'm not explaining so I can engage the reader into it so they'll want more. It's just a prologue.

I don't know about most people, but I actually found that annoying as a reader of your story. If you don't even know who the characters are or any context of what's going on, it's very tedious to read.
that's the point
im confused as to why you would want to lose/confuse/annoy your reader
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alison
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PostSubject: Re: The Beginning (Story by Flower)   Fri Nov 01, 2013 4:40 pm

Flower wrote:
Oh my gosh sorry about the flipping tenses. A LOT of people don't understand that's my writing style; I don't mean to do it, it's just my layout. @o Yep I did that on purpose. Also guys, I did this in 10 minutes and @Jeff It's not supposed to explain, I'm not explaining so I can engage the reader into it so they'll want more. It's just a prologue.

then what was the whole point of the prologue???? if it's not necessary (which it totally isn't btw) then cut it out. no need to dump some boring, long description of someone's blood spraying out of their body. just jump straight into the actual plot omg
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Katerina Petrova
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PostSubject: Re: The Beginning (Story by Flower)   Fri Nov 01, 2013 4:45 pm

I agree with the others, no harsh feelings, we didn't know what was really happening.
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PostSubject: Re: The Beginning (Story by Flower)   Today at 2:59 am

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The Beginning (Story by Flower)
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