Fantage Forum
Welcome to the Fantage Forum.


Fantage Cheats, Secrets, Glitches, Info & Help.
 
HomeFAQSearchMemberlistRegisterLog inUsergroups


Share | 
 

 the dream

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
nymphie
Passionate Fantagian


Posts : 769
Join date : 2010-09-11
Age : 16
Location : Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

PostSubject: the dream   Sat Dec 04, 2010 4:26 pm

my story enjoy it i wrote it down please critique anything

Abby and Vivian were goofing off in the kitchen trying to paint a picture for art class.'' NO NO NO MORE PINK AND ORANGE!!!'' screamed Abby loudly.Vivian smiled and always remembered how her friend was rather girly and all she could do was smile at the thought of pink on a winter scene.Vivian laughed and said, '' Really right now you know this is for winter.''Okay i guess we are done then!" Abby smiled her blonde hair tainted with dark blue.Vivian walked outside the cold air was consuming and wonderful as she pushed up her glasses. Suddenly taking it all in she felt something heavy on her head and she lay down it all went blank
Waking up in a wonderfully snowy place with white snow eating the area" WHERE AM I " she screamed loudly. At the sound of this strange creatures came behind what looked like white lumps.They were like a cartoon character from an old cartoon she watched called [i] webbets . She almost laughed when there green faces and large circular eyes walked toward her there short stubby bodies coming closer.''QUEEN QUEEN QUEEN''they shouted. she pulled her curly brown under her ears.So I am there queen she thought. This should be enjoyable.





Vivian woke up in a small dimly lit room with needles.Anything BUT needles.She sat up she saw her parents bundled in jackets.She also saw her stepfather.Why was he here.Ever since the divorce my mom started dating Ricky her stepfather.Stepfather.He looked like he would rather be any where else in the world.'' CAN WE HURRY UP ALREADY'' the evil man yelled this so loudly a few nurses came in to quiet him down.'
" are you okay?''Asked her dad plaintively."Dad I am fine actually I am better than fine!" She said enthusiastically.'' That's great Vi'' Her mom said.The doctor began talking to her dad and her mom went out and starting kissing him. She shuddered in disgust of this. She imagined her followers her kind and caring followers.She wondered what they were doing if they were okay.Soon at the thought of this she eased herself back to sleep the last thing she heard was the smack of her mom's lip


Last edited by harrypotter15 on Tue Dec 07, 2010 5:51 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Makkine
Moderator
Moderator


Posts : 2772
Join date : 2010-05-17
Age : 19
Location : Woah

PostSubject: Re: the dream   Sat Dec 04, 2010 4:59 pm

I EEZ IN UR POST EDITING UR GRAMER. And some other stuffs.

Spoiler:
 

Blue text is advice. Your problems are mostly word choice, literary-wise. Your grammar problems are more plentiful. You are still a wonderful writer, though, and your problems are very subtle.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
nymphie
Passionate Fantagian


Posts : 769
Join date : 2010-09-11
Age : 16
Location : Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

PostSubject: Re: the dream   Sat Dec 04, 2010 5:05 pm

lol i have horrible day to day grammar lol i need like a grammar book to make sure i don't make mistake considering i have a 94 in it and i sort of agree with yo on my word choice still your writing is as strange as mine
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Makkine
Moderator
Moderator


Posts : 2772
Join date : 2010-05-17
Age : 19
Location : Woah

PostSubject: Re: the dream   Sat Dec 04, 2010 5:17 pm

No, no, you're just young. And probably foreign, aren't you portuguese? And 94 is really good!

Your vocabulary is huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge. You have problems with context, using them correctly, and making them sound naturally, though, which is why I say it's your weakness. I have the same problem, it's the logophile's disease.

Yes, I do have a thing for surrealism. xD
Back to top Go down
View user profile
nymphie
Passionate Fantagian


Posts : 769
Join date : 2010-09-11
Age : 16
Location : Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

PostSubject: Re: the dream   Sat Dec 04, 2010 5:30 pm

LOL I don't think living in brazil for the first six months of my lie affects my grammar and yes that is true i am more paper and pencil more than typing and screens
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Makkine
Moderator
Moderator


Posts : 2772
Join date : 2010-05-17
Age : 19
Location : Woah

PostSubject: Re: the dream   Tue Dec 07, 2010 6:18 pm

This chapter was worst than the last. You are, I think, rushing to the exposition without letting the plot develop naturally. Your word choice is a lot better, though, so I'lll let it slide. The one thing I have a big problem with, though, is clarity. I'm not saying that your story should make sense, because as a surrealist writer I'd end up a hypocrite, but I should know what's going on. AGH NO WAIT. THAT MAKES EVEN LESS SENSE. No, no, no, what I'm trying to say is, I should be able to visualize the scene in my head, I should know what the characters are doing. Example, take this:

Random thing I improvized right now wrote:
The water closed around Lili, but she could breathe perfectly. The water around her was like a heavy air, an air that somehow made everything darker. But then, she realized that the pulling sensation underneath her was growing stronger, dragging her by the back back and taking her further from the light that an instinct that had just begn to kick in was telling her was the only way to safety...

Now, if you would excuse the horrible, horrible, writing, I'd like to ask you, does that make sense? No. Can you tell what's going on? Yes, some girl is drowning but not, then being pulled downwards. I don't see that in your story, I have no idea how to summarize it. You need to be more clear, see?
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Oliver
Moderator
Moderator


Posts : 4587
Join date : 2010-03-03
Age : 16
Location : *lights up a fire* yeah, trying to surivve in a fores.t *smokse a cig* il kill you

PostSubject: Re: the dream   Tue Dec 07, 2010 8:08 pm

I DONT UNDERSTAND

NO COMPRENDO

okay anyways I like this story but its weird and the description is odd but the plot is good but wut coma WUT my head hurts.

continue please. I like this.

_________________

Back to top Go down
View user profile http://sugar-icecream.deviantart.com
Princess Rosie
Junior Fantagian


Posts : 77
Join date : 2010-10-26

PostSubject: Re: the dream   Wed Dec 08, 2010 3:17 am

This story is... somewhat weird... but yet awesome!
I agree with Makkine.
Who wouldn' t? She the only girl I've ever seen with such a way with creation
and words at such an age.
Very Happy
Love your story HarryPotter15.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: the dream   Today at 10:02 pm

Back to top Go down
 
the dream
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Eternal Dream Official "LOL Pictures" Thread
» About Eternal Dream
» I had this dream...
» My dream, Finally realised.
» What do you dream of for the good of Roleplaying?

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Fantage Forum :: Creations :: Literature-
Jump to: