| | The Storm - A Christmas story | |
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Lyli Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1149 Join date : 2010-01-30 Location : Peegale 5ever (that mean more than 4eva)
| Subject: The Storm - A Christmas story Sun Dec 05, 2010 3:35 pm | |
| Prologue:- Spoiler:
As I awoke, the sun passed through the windows, making my face glow without scorching my eyelids. It was cold out, with fresh frost still on the ground with the only source of light being the sun. The trees had lost their leaves months ago, and now with the full branches visible. It was no longer autumn, but instead it was the harsh, yet calming winter. It was almost Christmas time to be exact, and you could hear the catchy jingles playing softly through out the pine-scented house. Only one more day, I thought. Only one more day until I could see my sister again. Only one more day until everything would be alright.
Chapter one: The Storm - Spoiler:
Chapter one: The storm
The wind was howling right outside my barely-visible, snow-covered window. It had been exactly two years since I’ve seen my sister. Two years since the storm.
It was nearly last Christmas when the wind was blowing like crazy, the power went on and off, and the snow was being blown around like it had been nothing. It was the day when the weather man had predicted a “light snow flurries”. He was wrong, terribly wrong. My mother wanted my sister and I to shovel the driveway so when my dad arrived from a hard day at work, he would come home with ease. I had bundled warmly that day, while my sister was too worried about fashion then warmth. My light-cream color coat was a wool blanket, but a spec of sand in a desert. When the garage door had finally started to open after a war with the ice, snow flew in from the blizzard outside. “Are you sure we should be going outside in this weather, Ma?” I asked my mother, scared of the weather outside, not sure if it was bad or not. I’ve always been depended on my mother.
“Of course, it’s just the winter, darling, seen much worse.” She said reassuringly. There had no trace of guilt in her voice.
When my sister and I finally made it outside, the wind hit my cheeks within seconds and they started to sting and burn. My eyes started to water, and snow kept on blowing in them, making it difficult to see. I finally managed to look up against the snow, and all I saw was white. Just white, nothing else; It was like an ocean of nothingness, like space with stars, planets, or moons. I looked at my sister who was already at hard labor. That’s when I decided to pick a shovel up, and get to work, knowing my sister would nag at me.
The next few hours, the only sound ever made was the sound of the wind whistling. Not a noise was made out of my sister, or me. Every now and then we would look at each other and point with our heads of where one of us to shovel next. Not even a sound from our mouths came out.
My sister was on the hill, and I was below, still scraping the new snow that formed right over the place that I’ve just shoveled. Right after when I had told my sister that I would go inside to get new gloves, a major wind gust blew outside, shaking the old brick house. After I put on my fresh new pair of gloves, I sprinted outdoors, wanting to talk to my sister again. But when I looked up at the hill, nobody was there. I pleaded my sister’s name. The only response was my very own echo that sounded foreign, like a different language. I pleaded my sister’s name again, but this time tears trickled down my face, freezing before I could wipe them away. I decided to not scream her name again, but to look for her in the immense ocean of white. I was struggling going up the hill. When I was on my hands and knees, I felt warmness below me. Then it hit me. I was standing right above me sister. Without thinking, I threw snow in all directions, digging for my sister, with tears coming down like an avalanche. Then I saw my sister’s snow covered face, eyes closed with her looking like a fallen angel and began to break down slowly. The pain was too great.
That night the doctors told me that I saved my sister’s life right in time and that if I hadn’t came outside a second sooner, she would’ve been gone forever. They also said that she would have to been in the hospital longer, because she was in the snow too long, but not long enough to kill her. But the most shocking news came after. They said she was in a coma, and had some major brain damage.
That car ride home was the most silent and painful car rides of my life.
Last edited by Lyli on Mon Dec 06, 2010 5:26 pm; edited 7 times in total | |
| | | pokeranger Hero Fantagian
Posts : 5454 Join date : 2010-01-29 Age : 24 Location : Loading...
| Subject: Re: The Storm - A Christmas story Sun Dec 05, 2010 4:12 pm | |
| Alright is supposed to be all right. :3 Very descriptive though! ;] | |
| | | Nessy Passionate Fantagian
Posts : 915 Join date : 2010-08-26 Age : 25 Location : My happy place
| Subject: Re: The Storm - A Christmas story Sun Dec 05, 2010 6:04 pm | |
| Sounds nice! Im looking forward to it! | |
| | | bladerunner22 Devoted Fantagian
Posts : 530 Join date : 2010-11-27 Age : 24 Location : Asia
| Subject: Re: The Storm - A Christmas story Mon Dec 06, 2010 12:18 pm | |
| Nice! I'm waiting for more! | |
| | | Lyli Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1149 Join date : 2010-01-30 Location : Peegale 5ever (that mean more than 4eva)
| Subject: Re: The Storm - A Christmas story Mon Dec 06, 2010 2:22 pm | |
| Thanks guys! I'll only be writing on weekends, since I have more time on my hands. The first chapter will come maybe next Monday or Tuesday, depending on how long it'll take me to write the first chapter. | |
| | | Trash Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1685 Join date : 2010-01-31 Age : 25
| Subject: Re: The Storm - A Christmas story Mon Dec 06, 2010 4:44 pm | |
| Don't even dare start if you won't finish it.
| |
| | | Lyli Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1149 Join date : 2010-01-30 Location : Peegale 5ever (that mean more than 4eva)
| Subject: Re: The Storm - A Christmas story Mon Dec 06, 2010 4:50 pm | |
| - Anaira wrote:
- Don't even dare start if you won't finish it.
I will finish it, don't worry. | |
| | | Trash Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1685 Join date : 2010-01-31 Age : 25
| Subject: Re: The Storm - A Christmas story Mon Dec 06, 2010 4:58 pm | |
| Yay♥ also, this story seems really good, that's why I said that i'm waiting to read it! | |
| | | Lyli Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1149 Join date : 2010-01-30 Location : Peegale 5ever (that mean more than 4eva)
| Subject: Re: The Storm - A Christmas story Mon Dec 06, 2010 6:52 pm | |
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| | | Makkine Moderator
Posts : 2772 Join date : 2010-05-17 Age : 26 Location : Woah
| Subject: Re: The Storm - A Christmas story Mon Dec 06, 2010 8:33 pm | |
| OHGOD GOOD GRAMMAR AND SPELLING. OH GOD SHOW NOT TELL. OH GOD SIMILES. OH GOD WORDS USED EFFECTIVELY. OH GOD INTERESTINGNESS. OH GOD THE CHAPTERS ARE ACTUALLY CHAPTER LENGTH. IS THIS NAKIRA'S STORY? IS THIS A MIRACLE?
No offense guys, I love your sories, everything I posted on them is 100 percent sincere and from the heart, but I am critiquing, praising, and reviewing them according to your individual levels. I feel like I can finally review something a bit more challenging. Also, Lyls acts like: OMGJUSTINBEAVER all the time on the chatbox, so this is genuinely surprising. I didn't know she could write. Plus, she's 14, which is older than most of you, so it's kind of obvious she would write better.
This is almost excactly like how I would write it. I swear, I love this. The end is very suspenceful, the descriptions are very clear but with a poetic prose that draws yoiu in and doesn't let go, so it's not a burden to read. Yes. I have no idea where this is going. My sole complaint would be, comas are a bit clichéd. People rarely potray them correctly and if overused as a dramatic device I will bang my head into the desk so hard I will give myself a comma. It's a bit unrealistic one would get it from being frozen in the snow, too, having to amputate a limb after frostbite would be better, but even that is stretching the truth.
Not that that detracts from the story's value, though. | |
| | | Lyli Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1149 Join date : 2010-01-30 Location : Peegale 5ever (that mean more than 4eva)
| Subject: Re: The Storm - A Christmas story Tue Dec 07, 2010 5:22 pm | |
| Thank you so much, Mak! C: I was really scared you wouldn't like it, haha.
-- UPDATE: In the process of typing chapter 2. | |
| | | Makkine Moderator
Posts : 2772 Join date : 2010-05-17 Age : 26 Location : Woah
| Subject: Re: The Storm - A Christmas story Tue Dec 07, 2010 5:34 pm | |
| You're wlecome so much, Lyls! C: Since when does my opinion matter more than anyone else's, haha? | |
| | | case1998 Senior Fantagian
Posts : 459 Join date : 2010-05-22 Age : 25 Location : In a AI storage unit.
| Subject: Re: The Storm - A Christmas story Tue Dec 07, 2010 6:22 pm | |
| Makkine, your critique everyone wants. You that good of a writer.
Really good story. Love how it has a sad but interesting plot. | |
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