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 Lost-A story

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kiki424
Passionate Fantagian


Posts : 936
Join date : 2010-01-26
Location : Some where in a parallel universe

PostSubject: Lost-A story   Sun Dec 05, 2010 8:01 pm

Yes a new story written by yours truly-me! Enjoy it! Compliments and critiques are welcome. (More will be added as time goes by.)


Prologue

Spoiler:
 

Chapter 1
Spoiler:
 
Chapter 2
Spoiler:
 


Last edited by kiki424 on Sun Dec 12, 2010 11:30 am; edited 3 times in total
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Oliver
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Posts : 4587
Join date : 2010-03-03
Age : 16
Location : *lights up a fire* yeah, trying to surivve in a fores.t *smokse a cig* il kill you

PostSubject: Re: Lost-A story   Sun Dec 05, 2010 8:05 pm

I really like it, It grabs my attention. Post more when you can.

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case1998
Senior Fantagian


Posts : 459
Join date : 2010-05-22
Age : 18
Location : In a AI storage unit.

PostSubject: Re: Lost-A story   Sun Dec 05, 2010 8:55 pm

I really like it! My critique is you need more description. Like say 'then the bandits attacked us. There eyes lookig at us coldly. They were all dressed in black with knifes at their finger tips.' something like that.
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FreedoM 4EVA
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Posts : 1680
Join date : 2010-06-18
Age : 19
Location : Earth

PostSubject: Re: Lost-A story   Mon Dec 06, 2010 12:01 pm

Pretty good.

More please...
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kiki424
Passionate Fantagian


Posts : 936
Join date : 2010-01-26
Location : Some where in a parallel universe

PostSubject: Re: Lost-A story   Thu Dec 09, 2010 4:07 pm

Thanks everyone and I rlly appreciate the advice, case. Also chapter 1 is out and im working on chapter 2 which will soon be out


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Makkine
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Location : Woah

PostSubject: Re: Lost-A story   Sun Dec 12, 2010 11:36 am

I like this chapter. However, have you ever heard of the concept of "show-not-tell"? It's really useful and you should always keep it in mind, since your problem is mostly just description.
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♥cherry♥
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Posts : 436
Join date : 2010-12-09
Location : Up your butt and around the corner

PostSubject: Re: Lost-A story   Sun Dec 12, 2010 1:14 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Lost-A story   Today at 12:24 pm

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