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 Mermaid Princess -Story by MJ Fan

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Lori Beth Denberg
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PostSubject: Mermaid Princess -Story by MJ Fan   Sat Jan 22, 2011 4:10 pm

Prolouge:

Yue thought she was normal fantagian til one day she went into the beach's water and turned into a mermaid with a pink tail and she had a crown also and she breathed and said "woah how can i be a mermaid?".The next day she was at the High School feeling like she didn't fit in.

Chapter 1:

It was a normal sunny morning near the shore of Fantage Beach.There was a girl named Yue she was a fantagian who loves to surf.Yue went surfing and got wiped out by a wave and woke up in the ocean and saw a fin and asked "whats going on" "your a mermaid" said a dolphin.Yue then saw a surfer and it was her enemy Raquelle a popular girl at Fantage High.

Chapter 2:

Yue was walking to school with her friend Lina and asked "have something strange happen to you" 'no why did you ask" replied Lina "well yesterday i saw myself turn into a ermaid and then a dolphin talked to me."They got to Fantage High and they went to their locker and got out their notebook and walked to class.Yue got to mythology class and they were learning aout mermaids and fairies.Yue sighed looking at a picture of a mermaid in the classroom.Mr.Winsky then asked Yue "whats wrong" "nothing Mr. Winsky" replied Yue looking at the window with the sunny beach outside.


Last edited by MJ Fan on Sun Jan 23, 2011 8:43 am; edited 2 times in total
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pokeranger
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PostSubject: Re: Mermaid Princess -Story by MJ Fan   Sat Jan 22, 2011 4:45 pm

Hm. Your grammar needs to be better. And the story line is moving to fast and proouge is actually prologue
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Lyli
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PostSubject: Re: Mermaid Princess -Story by MJ Fan   Sat Jan 22, 2011 5:08 pm

Honest rate? 7/10. Your grammar needs to be proper, and the story can't be rushed. If it's rushed it sounds bad. But try to improve your writing! (:
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Makkine
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PostSubject: Re: Mermaid Princess -Story by MJ Fan   Sat Jan 22, 2011 5:54 pm

I agree with Lyls and Poke. IT's rushed, and the grammar's bad. Also, descriptions descriptions, descriptions. You need to make us care for the character, immerse us in your world. Example:

Yue thought she was normal fantagian til one day she went into the beach's water and turned into a mermaid with a pink tail and she had a crown also and she breathed

What happens if I don't know what a mermaid is? How did Yue feel? What happened beforehand? Was the transformation instantaneous, or slow and painful?
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Lunatical
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PostSubject: Re: Mermaid Princess -Story by MJ Fan   Sat Jan 22, 2011 7:06 pm

MJ Fan wrote:
Prolouge:

Yue thought she was normal fantagian til one day she went into the beach's water and turned into a mermaid with a pink tail and she had a crown also and she breathed and said "woah how can i be a mermaid?".The next day she was at the High School feeling like she didn't fit in.

Chapter 1:

It was a normal sunny morning near the shore of Fantage Beach.There was a girl named Yue she was a fantagian who loves to surf.Yue went surfing and got wiped out by a wave and woke up in the ocean and saw a fin and asked "whats going on" "your a mermaid" said a dolphin.Yue then saw a surfer and it was her enemy Raquelle a popular girl at Fantage High.



















You are using anime stuff.
Yue is an anime name.
Mermaid is from Mermaid Melody.
Raquelle is from Barbie. (I heard about her,I hate Barbie!)
HA! COPYER!

lol!
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Lunatical
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PostSubject: Re: Mermaid Princess -Story by MJ Fan   Sat Jan 22, 2011 7:12 pm

pokeranger wrote:
Hm. Your grammar needs to be better. And the story line is moving to fast and prolouge is actually prologue

u like maplestory? x3 What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face albino <3s Carrots!
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Nakira
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PostSubject: Re: Mermaid Princess -Story by MJ Fan   Sat Jan 22, 2011 7:26 pm

Lunatical wrote:
MJ Fan wrote:
Prolouge:

Yue thought she was normal fantagian til one day she went into the beach's water and turned into a mermaid with a pink tail and she had a crown also and she breathed and said "woah how can i be a mermaid?".The next day she was at the High School feeling like she didn't fit in.

Chapter 1:

It was a normal sunny morning near the shore of Fantage Beach.There was a girl named Yue she was a fantagian who loves to surf.Yue went surfing and got wiped out by a wave and woke up in the ocean and saw a fin and asked "whats going on" "your a mermaid" said a dolphin.Yue then saw a surfer and it was her enemy Raquelle a popular girl at Fantage High.



















You are using anime stuff.
Yue is an anime name.
Mermaid is from Mermaid Melody.
Raquelle is from Barbie. (I heard about her,I hate Barbie!)
HA! COPYER!

lol!

Let me break down your post.

Yue- Yue isn't an anime name. Anime is not a nationality. It's a Japanese name, and MJ Fan can use it if she wants.

Mermaids- *headdesk* Mermaids weren't invented by Mermaid Melody. They're a part of mythology and anyone can write about them.

Raquelle- It's just a name. Also, enough Barbie/Justine Beaver/ etc. bashing. I'm not a huge fan of these things, but it's just annoying. Please.

HA! COPYER! [sic]- First off, it's copier. Second, that wasn't very mature.


Sorry, that was harsh. I just get frustrated when people post things like that. Back to normal, happy Nakira.

MJ Fan- I agree with the other posters, this story is rushed. But it has lots of potential.
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yvonnelol
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PostSubject: Re: Mermaid Princess -Story by MJ Fan   Sat Jan 22, 2011 7:46 pm

Nice story, but I agree with the people above. You need proper grammar. Sorry if I'm offending you. Nice story, though! And did you name the character 'Yue', Spirit of the Moon from Avatar: The Last Airbender?
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Lori Beth Denberg
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PostSubject: Re: Mermaid Princess -Story by MJ Fan   Sat Jan 22, 2011 8:40 pm

I just love the name Yue for her.
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pokeranger
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PostSubject: Re: Mermaid Princess -Story by MJ Fan   Sat Jan 22, 2011 9:09 pm

Hm. You're Chapter One is barely even a paragraph. I'm sorry to say it, but you need to start capitalizing. Your grammar and puncuation isn't that great. Don't just write a story without notes. And still, it's moving too fast. And remember to space!
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nymphie
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PostSubject: Re: Mermaid Princess -Story by MJ Fan   Sun Jan 23, 2011 12:34 am

a very rushed story too quick it has now sense of time
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Lori Beth Denberg
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PostSubject: Re: Mermaid Princess -Story by MJ Fan   Sun Jan 23, 2011 8:44 am

I posted chapter 2 and decided to make it slow like and I think its over 5 sentances I don't know.
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FreedoM 4EVA
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PostSubject: Re: Mermaid Princess -Story by MJ Fan   Sun Jan 23, 2011 8:57 am

Good story. Whatever the other people told was exactly in my mind. So there you go.

Grammar and punctuation needs to be improved.

A little help:
Quote :
Chapter 2:

Yue was walking to school with her friend Lina
and asked "have something strange happen to you" 'no why did you ask"
replied Lina "well yesterday i saw myself turn into a ermaid and then a
dolphin talked to me."They got to Fantage High and they went to their
locker and got out their notebook and walked to class.Yue got to
mythology class and they were learning aout mermaids and fairies.Yue
sighed looking at a picture of a mermaid in the classroom.Mr.Winsky then
asked Yue "whats wrong" "nothing Mr. Winsky" replied Yue looking at the
window with the sunny beach outside.

Changes wrote:
Chapter 2:

Yue was walking to school with her friend Lina
and asked, "Have something strange happen to you?" "No. Why did you ask?",
replied Lina. "Well, yesterday I saw myself turn into a mermaid and then a
dolphin talked to me.", said Yue. They got to Fantage High and they went to their
locker and got out their notebook and walked to class.Yue got to
mythology class and they were learning about mermaids and fairies.Yue
sighed looking at a picture of a mermaid in the classroom.Mr.Winsky then
asked Yue, "Whats wrong?""Nothing Mr. Winsky", replied Yue looking at the window with the sunny beach outside.

That's the mistakes that I could find. There are some no-meaning-words-in-this-sentence but I didn't change them.

Please don't be offended by what I did. Because if I was in your place, I would have loved someone checking my mistakes. As you know "No one is perfect."

~Thnx
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Lori Beth Denberg
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PostSubject: Re: Mermaid Princess -Story by MJ Fan   Sun Jan 23, 2011 9:59 am

FreedoM 4EVA wrote:
Good story. Whatever the other people told was exactly in my mind. So there you go.

Grammar and punctuation needs to be improved.

A little help:
Quote :
Chapter 2:

Yue was walking to school with her friend Lina
and asked "have something strange happen to you" 'no why did you ask"
replied Lina "well yesterday i saw myself turn into a ermaid and then a
dolphin talked to me."They got to Fantage High and they went to their
locker and got out their notebook and walked to class.Yue got to
mythology class and they were learning aout mermaids and fairies.Yue
sighed looking at a picture of a mermaid in the classroom.Mr.Winsky then
asked Yue "whats wrong" "nothing Mr. Winsky" replied Yue looking at the
window with the sunny beach outside.

Changes wrote:
Chapter 2:

Yue was walking to school with her friend Lina
and asked, "Have something strange happen to you?" "No. Why did you ask?",
replied Lina. "Well, yesterday I saw myself turn into a mermaid and then a
dolphin talked to me.", said Yue. They got to Fantage High and they went to their
locker and got out their notebook and walked to class.Yue got to
mythology class and they were learning about mermaids and fairies.Yue
sighed looking at a picture of a mermaid in the classroom.Mr.Winsky then
asked Yue, "Whats wrong?""Nothing Mr. Winsky", replied Yue looking at the window with the sunny beach outside.

That's the mistakes that I could find. There are some no-meaning-words-in-this-sentence but I didn't change them.

Please don't be offended by what I did. Because if I was in your place, I would have loved someone checking my mistakes. As you know "No one is perfect."

~Thnx
Oh ok thanks for helping I'm new to writing stories.
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PostSubject: Re: Mermaid Princess -Story by MJ Fan   Today at 2:50 am

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