Fantage Forum
Welcome to the Fantage Forum.
Fantage Forum
Welcome to the Fantage Forum.


Fantage Cheats, Secrets, Glitches, Info & Help.
 
HomeSearchRegisterLog in


 

 vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]

Go down 
+5
Forever Forgotten
MsJoyMaeda
Burittanie
nymphie
Kairi
9 posters
AuthorMessage
Kairi
Junior Fantagian
Kairi


Posts : 68
Join date : 2010-12-23
Age : 26
Location : on a random server

vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Empty
PostSubject: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Icon_minitimeSat Feb 26, 2011 10:25 pm

one day a lonely vampire girl never experienced love like her mom and dad told her. she was getting ready for her first day back to high school, before she left she started thinking of who she would meet. but her mom told her she would find not alot of friends. when the vampire girl got to school she saw all her friends from the last year she was with them. and out of no were she was late for class, she saw her old boy-friend hurrying to his class. *hey heather* said the boy running. (heather is the vampire girl) heather smiled and waved as she was running along too......


TO BE CONTINUED..........................................
Back to top Go down
nymphie
Passionate Fantagian
nymphie


Posts : 769
Join date : 2010-09-11
Age : 24
Location : Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Empty
PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Icon_minitimeSat Feb 26, 2011 11:10 pm

Really not good at all.I have a few things to say....


Poorly written

Punctuation

Capitalization

Usage

Spelling(Its a lot not alot!)

Are you sure your thirteen?I am 11 and ask anyone I can write MUCH better than this.

I give this 2/10
Back to top Go down
Burittanie
Devoted Fantagian



Posts : 676
Join date : 2010-06-05
Age : 25
Location : California

vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Empty
PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Icon_minitimeSat Feb 26, 2011 11:47 pm

To be honest, I don't really like this. Like what HPF said, this could be written much better. This is really undeveloped.
Back to top Go down
MsJoyMaeda
Hero Fantagian
MsJoyMaeda


Posts : 5830
Join date : 2010-12-13
Age : 24

vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Empty
PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Icon_minitimeSun Feb 27, 2011 8:51 am

Spoiler:
scratch scratch

But I think it should be written better.

when the vampire girl got to school she saw all her friends from the last year she was with them. It should be this: When the vampire girl got to school, she saw all of her old friends from last year

and out of no were she was late for class, she saw her old boy-friend hurrying to his class. It should be this: Then the late bell rang and the vampire girl rang to her classroom. As she was running, she saw her old boyfriend. He was also late for class.


I'm not doing this to be mean. I'm just making corrections
Back to top Go down
Forever Forgotten
Senior Fantagian
Forever Forgotten


Posts : 428
Join date : 2010-07-22
Age : 27
Location : Blasting around the universe with Kirby

vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Empty
PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Icon_minitimeSun Feb 27, 2011 9:05 am

Very nice story! But a few errors. Spelling, you didn't capitalize the sentence, you should have said her name before, grammer, and some sentences don't make sense you should switch the words around. But don't feel bad! Keep writing, it's a wonderful story!
Back to top Go down
Kairi
Junior Fantagian
Kairi


Posts : 68
Join date : 2010-12-23
Age : 26
Location : on a random server

vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Empty
PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Icon_minitimeSun Feb 27, 2011 1:51 pm

well chapter two will be better i know
Back to top Go down
Angus Bethune
Loyal Fantagian
Angus Bethune


Posts : 1889
Join date : 2010-02-02
Age : 23

vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Empty
PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Icon_minitimeSun Feb 27, 2011 2:07 pm

For talking its "" not ** to let you know.
Back to top Go down
https://runningupthathill.forumotion.com
Magdaleena
Expert Fantagian
Magdaleena


Posts : 2261
Join date : 2010-04-26
Age : 28
Location : Somewhere in northern Europe. Probably hours ahead of you.

vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Empty
PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Icon_minitimeSun Feb 27, 2011 2:08 pm

pinkiepie100 wrote:
well chapter two will be better i know

Let's hope so. Wink

On another note, that title you chose reminded me of Twilight for obvious reasons. Neutral
Back to top Go down
http://magdaneela.deviantart.com
Angus Bethune
Loyal Fantagian
Angus Bethune


Posts : 1889
Join date : 2010-02-02
Age : 23

vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Empty
PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Icon_minitimeSun Feb 27, 2011 2:20 pm

pinkiepie100 wrote:
One day a lonely vampire girl never experienced [b]life like her mom and dad told her.She was getting ready for her first day back to high school, before she left she started thinking of who she would meet.But her mom told her she would find not alot of friends. when the vampire girl got to school she saw all her friends from the last year she was with them.And out of no were she was late for class, she saw her old boy-friend hurrying to his class. "Hey Heather." said the boy running. (heather is the vampire girl) Heather smiled and waved as she was running along too......


TO BE CONTINUED..........................................

Bold is my corrections.Will do other corrections later.
Back to top Go down
https://runningupthathill.forumotion.com
Forever Forgotten
Senior Fantagian
Forever Forgotten


Posts : 428
Join date : 2010-07-22
Age : 27
Location : Blasting around the universe with Kirby

vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Empty
PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Icon_minitimeSun Feb 27, 2011 2:52 pm

pinkiepie100 wrote:
One day a lonely vampire girl named Heather who never experienced love like her mom and dad told her. (the first sentence didn't even make sense so I couldn't correct it) She was getting ready for her first day back to high school. Before she left she started thinking of who she would meet. Her mom told her she would find not a lot of friends. When the Heather got to school she saw all her friends from the last year. Out of no where the class bell rang. She was late for class! She saw her old boyfriend hurrying to his class. "Hey Heather!" said the boy as he ran. Heather smiled and waved as she ran.

TO BE CONTINUED..........................................
Here is the way I would have written the story. (above)
Back to top Go down
Magdaleena
Expert Fantagian
Magdaleena


Posts : 2261
Join date : 2010-04-26
Age : 28
Location : Somewhere in northern Europe. Probably hours ahead of you.

vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Empty
PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Icon_minitimeMon Feb 28, 2011 9:11 am

To me it looks more like a detailed story summary than an actual story. You'd probably be better at writing non-fiction, I guess?
Back to top Go down
http://magdaneela.deviantart.com
Oliver
Moderator
Moderator
Oliver


Posts : 4588
Join date : 2010-03-03
Age : 23
Location : *lights up a fire* yeah, trying to surivve in a fores.t *smokse a cig* il kill you

vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Empty
PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Icon_minitimeMon Feb 28, 2011 5:23 pm

candyfan4ever wrote:
Spoiler:

YOUR NAME IS HEATHER?! LUCKY! I LOVE THE NAME HEATHER.
----
Cute plot, but not fabulous. Continue though, it would be interesting to see where this goes.
Back to top Go down
http://sugar-icecream.deviantart.com
nymphie
Passionate Fantagian
nymphie


Posts : 769
Join date : 2010-09-11
Age : 24
Location : Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Empty
PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Icon_minitimeMon Feb 28, 2011 6:37 pm

@sealand I would disagree the plot isn't cute.It sounds like twilight.
Back to top Go down
Oliver
Moderator
Moderator
Oliver


Posts : 4588
Join date : 2010-03-03
Age : 23
Location : *lights up a fire* yeah, trying to surivve in a fores.t *smokse a cig* il kill you

vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Empty
PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Icon_minitimeMon Feb 28, 2011 6:54 pm

nymphie wrote:
@sealand I would disagree the plot isn't cute.It sounds like twilight.

I agree with that. Of course, I always enjoyed the cliche.
hohohohhohooh
Back to top Go down
http://sugar-icecream.deviantart.com
Nakira
Dedicated Fantagian
Nakira


Posts : 1137
Join date : 2010-07-12
Age : 27
Location : the groan zone

vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Empty
PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Icon_minitimeMon Feb 28, 2011 7:59 pm

Hmmm, the story has potential, but you need to describe things a bit more.
Back to top Go down
Kairi
Junior Fantagian
Kairi


Posts : 68
Join date : 2010-12-23
Age : 26
Location : on a random server

vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Empty
PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Icon_minitimeTue Mar 01, 2011 4:50 pm

the chapter 2 will be a little better besides there are 5 chapters and they all get better that the others i promise
Back to top Go down
Kairi
Junior Fantagian
Kairi


Posts : 68
Join date : 2010-12-23
Age : 26
Location : on a random server

vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Empty
PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Icon_minitimeWed Mar 02, 2011 4:04 pm

My name isn't heather sealant that's just the characters name
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content





vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Empty
PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b] Icon_minitime

Back to top Go down
 
vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]
Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» What's your favorite book/series?
» Love-stuck Chapter 3 IS OUT!!!
» LoVe Chapter 1 - 3 ( not complete )
» Maria Gazawalzwen. Chapter one (No chapter 2 unless reply)
» ZOMBIES vs VAMPIRES

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Fantage Forum :: Fantage :: Fantage Discussion-
Jump to: