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 vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]

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Kairi
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PostSubject: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   Sat Feb 26, 2011 10:25 pm

one day a lonely vampire girl never experienced love like her mom and dad told her. she was getting ready for her first day back to high school, before she left she started thinking of who she would meet. but her mom told her she would find not alot of friends. when the vampire girl got to school she saw all her friends from the last year she was with them. and out of no were she was late for class, she saw her old boy-friend hurrying to his class. *hey heather* said the boy running. (heather is the vampire girl) heather smiled and waved as she was running along too......


TO BE CONTINUED..........................................
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nymphie
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PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   Sat Feb 26, 2011 11:10 pm

Really not good at all.I have a few things to say....


Poorly written

Punctuation

Capitalization

Usage

Spelling(Its a lot not alot!)

Are you sure your thirteen?I am 11 and ask anyone I can write MUCH better than this.

I give this 2/10
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Burittanie
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PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   Sat Feb 26, 2011 11:47 pm

To be honest, I don't really like this. Like what HPF said, this could be written much better. This is really undeveloped.
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MsJoyMaeda
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PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   Sun Feb 27, 2011 8:51 am

Spoiler:
 
scratch scratch

But I think it should be written better.

when the vampire girl got to school she saw all her friends from the last year she was with them. It should be this: When the vampire girl got to school, she saw all of her old friends from last year

and out of no were she was late for class, she saw her old boy-friend hurrying to his class. It should be this: Then the late bell rang and the vampire girl rang to her classroom. As she was running, she saw her old boyfriend. He was also late for class.


I'm not doing this to be mean. I'm just making corrections
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Forever Forgotten
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PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   Sun Feb 27, 2011 9:05 am

Very nice story! But a few errors. Spelling, you didn't capitalize the sentence, you should have said her name before, grammer, and some sentences don't make sense you should switch the words around. But don't feel bad! Keep writing, it's a wonderful story!
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Kairi
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PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   Sun Feb 27, 2011 1:51 pm

well chapter two will be better i know
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Lori Beth Denberg
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PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   Sun Feb 27, 2011 2:07 pm

For talking its "" not ** to let you know.
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Magdaleena
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PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   Sun Feb 27, 2011 2:08 pm

pinkiepie100 wrote:
well chapter two will be better i know

Let's hope so. Wink

On another note, that title you chose reminded me of Twilight for obvious reasons. Neutral
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Lori Beth Denberg
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PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   Sun Feb 27, 2011 2:20 pm

pinkiepie100 wrote:
One day a lonely vampire girl never experienced [b]life like her mom and dad told her.She was getting ready for her first day back to high school, before she left she started thinking of who she would meet.But her mom told her she would find not alot of friends. when the vampire girl got to school she saw all her friends from the last year she was with them.And out of no were she was late for class, she saw her old boy-friend hurrying to his class. "Hey Heather." said the boy running. (heather is the vampire girl) Heather smiled and waved as she was running along too......


TO BE CONTINUED..........................................

Bold is my corrections.Will do other corrections later.
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Forever Forgotten
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PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   Sun Feb 27, 2011 2:52 pm

pinkiepie100 wrote:
One day a lonely vampire girl named Heather who never experienced love like her mom and dad told her. (the first sentence didn't even make sense so I couldn't correct it) She was getting ready for her first day back to high school. Before she left she started thinking of who she would meet. Her mom told her she would find not a lot of friends. When the Heather got to school she saw all her friends from the last year. Out of no where the class bell rang. She was late for class! She saw her old boyfriend hurrying to his class. "Hey Heather!" said the boy as he ran. Heather smiled and waved as she ran.

TO BE CONTINUED..........................................
Here is the way I would have written the story. (above)
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Magdaleena
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PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   Mon Feb 28, 2011 9:11 am

To me it looks more like a detailed story summary than an actual story. You'd probably be better at writing non-fiction, I guess?
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Oliver
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PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   Mon Feb 28, 2011 5:23 pm

candyfan4ever wrote:
Spoiler:
 

YOUR NAME IS HEATHER?! LUCKY! I LOVE THE NAME HEATHER.
----
Cute plot, but not fabulous. Continue though, it would be interesting to see where this goes.

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nymphie
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PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   Mon Feb 28, 2011 6:37 pm

@sealand I would disagree the plot isn't cute.It sounds like twilight.
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Oliver
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PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   Mon Feb 28, 2011 6:54 pm

nymphie wrote:
@sealand I would disagree the plot isn't cute.It sounds like twilight.

I agree with that. Of course, I always enjoyed the cliche.
hohohohhohooh

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Nakira
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PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   Mon Feb 28, 2011 7:59 pm

Hmmm, the story has potential, but you need to describe things a bit more.
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Kairi
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PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   Tue Mar 01, 2011 4:50 pm

the chapter 2 will be a little better besides there are 5 chapters and they all get better that the others i promise
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Kairi
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PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   Wed Mar 02, 2011 4:04 pm

My name isn't heather sealant that's just the characters name
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PostSubject: Re: vampires love BOOK SERIES [b]chapter one[/b]   Today at 2:47 pm

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