Monsterbunny Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1425 Join date : 2010-12-11 Age : 24 Location : Behind you
| Subject: Alive (story) Wed Apr 20, 2011 3:30 pm | |
| ok heres the first chapter plz rate on 1 to 10 ok thx!! - Spoiler:
I dont remember the last time i saw my mom,dad,and family. All I remember is me,in the middle of the street,frozen with horror.I remember my sister,Maine,yelling,screaming,crying."Get out of the way!"she yelled at me."Move Rose!".Then boom!.Everything went blank.I saw my life flashing before my eyes.Also i remember my mom Deana,crying,"NO SHE CANT ME!!ROSE WAKE UP!".Then i saw that i was in school.What was i doing there?I have no idea why i was there.The bell rang.I ran into my class.I sat on my desk waiting for Mrs.Dwindle to take attendance."Rose?oh wait,shes gone."Gone? I was sitting right there infront of her.Then I knew somthing was wrong.
ok ill try to do the next part later im still working on it RATE!!! | |
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rangels New Fantagian
Posts : 3 Join date : 2011-04-19 Age : 26 Location : Californiaa!!;D
| Subject: Re: Alive (story) Wed Apr 20, 2011 6:13 pm | |
| Wow!! I wonder what happens next!!! 10 foshow!!;D | |
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nymphie Passionate Fantagian
Posts : 769 Join date : 2010-09-11 Age : 24 Location : Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
| Subject: Re: Alive (story) Wed Apr 20, 2011 6:37 pm | |
| Its a little hard to tell whats going on plus you have several typos on here. It needs to be longer and it would help if you had a prologue or the event happens in the next chapter or two chapters later. I recommend to never put the climax first, the details make for a fantastic story. With a bit of help I'm sure this story could turn out better. In total I shall rate this 4/10.
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Monsterbunny Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1425 Join date : 2010-12-11 Age : 24 Location : Behind you
| Subject: Re: Alive (story) Wed Apr 20, 2011 6:40 pm | |
| thx..i think but i dont need someone to tell me how to write my stories but i apreciate it and the 2nd chapter is cooming tommorow | |
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nymphie Passionate Fantagian
Posts : 769 Join date : 2010-09-11 Age : 24 Location : Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
| Subject: Re: Alive (story) Fri Apr 22, 2011 2:59 pm | |
| - mjmjrocks05 wrote:
- thx..i think but i dont need someone to tell me how to write my stories but i apreciate it and the 2nd chapter is cooming tommorow
Its called Critique. It means I tell you what you did right and what you did wrong *palm* | |
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Monsterbunny Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1425 Join date : 2010-12-11 Age : 24 Location : Behind you
| Subject: Re: Alive (story) Fri Apr 22, 2011 5:07 pm | |
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