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 Hope- Part 1

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Oliver
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PostSubject: Hope- Part 1   Thu Mar 04, 2010 4:21 pm

Shinelly stared at her teacher. "Why...." She thought to herself. As the young girl looked down at the snow, a feeling of deppression took over. Shinelly wasnt a hero. She wasnt famous, she was much less successsfull.
Shinelly was a 11 year old girl. Born on earth, she was not quite used to the idea of hover boarding. It felt horrible to feel like doing that was exersize. She drew exellent anime however. (AN: I wish XD Im just normal at it) Her favorite picture was a drawing of her alter ego, "Silmei"

Shinelly adored how her short blonde hair looked at this picture.
Her teacher awoke her from her day dream of being Silmei suddenly.
"Shinelly! Start hovering already!"
The girl nodded and took a small slide, then fell.

"Silmeii would be as bad as me in hoverboarding. In her world, people fly on spheres." Shinelly always said to herself to cheer herself up.
But it had no point.

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Sharpsul999
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PostSubject: Re: Hope- Part 1   Thu Mar 04, 2010 4:25 pm

Nice starting! Maybe a little more detail next time.
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Oliver
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PostSubject: Re: Hope- Part 1   Thu Mar 04, 2010 4:31 pm

sharpsul99 wrote:
Nice starting! Maybe a little more detail next time.
Yeah. Im a lazy 9 year old that plan on learning japanese and is also planning writing a 200 something paged book. nyan.

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Trash
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PostSubject: Re: Hope- Part 1   Thu Mar 04, 2010 4:51 pm

Great for starters. Believe in your dreams!!!
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The Criticizer
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PostSubject: Re: Hope- Part 1   Thu Mar 04, 2010 8:51 pm

Kawaii Maker wrote:
Shinelly stared at her teacher. "Why...." She thought to herself. As the young girl looked down at the snow, a feeling of deppression took over. Shinelly wasnt a hero. She wasnt needs to be wasn't famous, she was much less successsfull to successful
Shinelly was a 11 year old girl. Born on earth, she was not quite used to the idea of hover boarding. It felt horrible to feel like doing that was exersize to exercise. She drew exellent needs to be excellent. anime however. (AN: I wish XD Im just normal at it) Her favorite picture was a drawing of her alter ego, "Silmei"
Shinelly adored how her short blonde hair looked at this picture.
Her teacher awoke her from her day dream of being Silmei suddenly.
"Shinelly! Start hovering already!"
The girl nodded and took a small slide, then fell.

"Silmeii would be as bad as me in hoverboarding. In her world, people fly on spheres." Shinelly always said to herself to cheer herself up.
But it had no point.

The beginning is nice. Her daydreaming looks like it could be interesting. You could add much more detail, though. Ex.

The ocean was pretty.

Better: The ocean waves danced as they foamed over the shore. The sun rays shimmered on the waters. It was a beautiful ocean.

An old rule my teacher used to say was, "Show don't tell."

But its just a beginning. Lovely start. Though you spelled "Silmei" different, is it, Silmei or Silmeii? A few grammar mistakes here and there.

For the future:

Remember grammar. Let the story flow slowly, no need to rush it. And remember about your plot, don't mix things together. That will create problems, and make it hard to understand.
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Oliver
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PostSubject: Re: Hope- Part 1   Thu Mar 04, 2010 8:55 pm

The Criticizer wrote:
Kawaii Maker wrote:
Shinelly stared at her teacher. "Why...." She thought to herself. As the young girl looked down at the snow, a feeling of deppression took over. Shinelly wasnt a hero. She wasnt needs to be wasn't famous, she was much less successsfull to successful
Shinelly was a 11 year old girl. Born on earth, she was not quite used to the idea of hover boarding. It felt horrible to feel like doing that was exersize to exercise. She drew exellent needs to be excellent. anime however. (AN: I wish XD Im just normal at it) Her favorite picture was a drawing of her alter ego, "Silmei"
Shinelly adored how her short blonde hair looked at this picture.
Her teacher awoke her from her day dream of being Silmei suddenly.
"Shinelly! Start hovering already!"
The girl nodded and took a small slide, then fell.

"Silmeii would be as bad as me in hoverboarding. In her world, people fly on spheres." Shinelly always said to herself to cheer herself up.
But it had no point.

The beginning is nice. Her daydreaming looks like it could be interesting. You could add much more detail, though. Ex.

The ocean was pretty.

Better: The ocean waves danced as they foamed over the shore. The sun rays shimmered on the waters. It was a beautiful ocean.

An old rule my teacher used to say was, "Show don't tell."

But its just a beginning. Lovely start. Though you spelled "Silmei" different, is it, Silmei or Silmeii? A few grammar mistakes here and there.

For the future:

Remember grammar. Let the story flow slowly, no need to rush it. And remember about your plot, don't mix things together. That will create problems, and make it hard to understand.
but ya know, It wasnt she didint need. But great critism! You seem to be a great writer!

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The Criticizer
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PostSubject: Re: Hope- Part 1   Thu Mar 04, 2010 9:00 pm

Thanks mate. I put lots of thought into my criticism. And i'm glad you didn't take it the wrong way. Its all meant to help you in the future.
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pokeranger
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PostSubject: Re: Hope- Part 1   Thu Mar 04, 2010 9:08 pm

Thats a good beginning! Can't wait for more!
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