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 Prologue to a chilling story. (NOT)

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Rock N Roll
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PostSubject: Prologue to a chilling story. (NOT)   Mon May 16, 2011 5:18 pm

Prologue:
Hey u guyz happy? i deleted this post. its probably not tottally gone from internet, but at least I did what I could.
(Makky, happy I capitalized I???)



Last edited by Rock N Roll on Wed May 18, 2011 6:55 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Kandi
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PostSubject: Re: Prologue to a chilling story. (NOT)   Mon May 16, 2011 5:41 pm

What's the story about???

Anyways, you're good at describing :3 But I think an actual introduction to the story would help...
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Rock N Roll
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PostSubject: Re: Prologue to a chilling story. (NOT)   Tue May 17, 2011 3:19 pm

ya..... no intro yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! member? i need 30 replies! lol u wont know what the story iz about yet -_-
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Relora
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PostSubject: Re: Prologue to a chilling story. (NOT)   Tue May 17, 2011 3:35 pm

good description but not much of an intro
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Rock N Roll
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PostSubject: Re: Prologue to a chilling story. (NOT)   Tue May 17, 2011 3:59 pm

OMG!!!! didja not see my last post? above ya? i havent even started it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its just a prologue. Shocked
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Relora
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PostSubject: Re: Prologue to a chilling story. (NOT)   Tue May 17, 2011 4:31 pm

yea i know. BUT IT WASN'T MUCH OF AN INTRO! it doesn't matter about if u haven't started yet what i mean is it was really short
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Kandi
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PostSubject: Re: Prologue to a chilling story. (NOT)   Tue May 17, 2011 4:38 pm

Rock N Roll wrote:
ya..... no intro yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! member? i need 30 replies! lol u wont know what the story iz about yet -_-

Wow 30 posts??

Honestly, nobody's going to give you 30 replies to write a story, especially one that they don't even know it's about.
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Relora
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PostSubject: Re: Prologue to a chilling story. (NOT)   Tue May 17, 2011 4:43 pm

SjeeshBack wrote:
Rock N Roll wrote:
ya..... no intro yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! member? i need 30 replies! lol u wont know what the story iz about yet -_-

Wow 30 posts??

Honestly, nobody's going to give you 30 replies to write a story, especially one that they don't even know it's about.

'tis true
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Rock N Roll
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PostSubject: Re: Prologue to a chilling story. (NOT)   Tue May 17, 2011 4:48 pm

wateve Nvm
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Relora
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PostSubject: Re: Prologue to a chilling story. (NOT)   Tue May 17, 2011 4:50 pm

awww don't be angry at us. sorry to have offended you in anyway rock n roll but its the truth.
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Monsterbunny
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PostSubject: Re: Prologue to a chilling story. (NOT)   Tue May 17, 2011 5:21 pm

ok ill try to make 30 post...
heres one!
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Makkine
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PostSubject: Re: Prologue to a chilling story. (NOT)   Tue May 17, 2011 5:36 pm

Critique? Yes.

I made that a while ago and i need 30 posts to write chapter 1!

First off, grammar. I is capitalised when you're using it as a personal pronoun. Also, I think you forgot a few commas or semicolons. You also need to stop using run-on sentences every other word.

I'll do this paragraph by paragraph.

"As the bloody fingers grasped my neck i could see my life flash before my eyes. I see laughter, tears, familiar faces, friends and family."

First, this is barely coherent. It feels random. Give me something similar to an introduction before you bring in random bloody fingers. I liked the structuring of the second sentence, sure, but it still felt random.
Also, I think you should leave out the "I see". It makes it seem as though you were reciting this, not actually feeling it. Show, not tell.

"Then i get back to reality. As I felt the wet, red hands correse my neck, I couldnt breath, nor say anything. No sound came from my now dried up mouth. I tried as hard as i could to scream for help, but nothing came out. Then i couldnt even move until i felt my body get heavy, and slowly drop to the bloody red floor."

The first sentence was not an appropriate transition. It feels stuck-on, and fake. Try something more like: "with a shudder and a gasp, my vision clears and I am back in reality".
As for the second sentence, what is a correse? That's not a word. I'm positive you mean "caress"? But that's not a good word choice, either. Try "grasp" or "choke" or "close around", maybe. You caress lovingly. Murdering someone lovingly? Not so much.
ALSO: you're telling, not showing again. What does it feel like to not breathe? Did she try to scream, only to hear a dry cough? Nice try, but I can't imagine the situation.
The third sentence is repetitive. Cut it out.
The fourth sentence is repetitive. Cut it out.
The fifth sentence is random. I have no idea how much time passed since the hands first began to "caress" her neck, but I'm sure it's an unrealistic amount.

Also, you use the word "bloody" or "blood" or "wet, red" too often. Stop being so bloody British!

Aside from that, I thoroughly enjoyed the writing style, and the story is intriguing enough.

Lastly: YOU WON'T GET 30 POSTS. DON'T EVEN TRY. FAIL.
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S
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PostSubject: Re: Prologue to a chilling story. (NOT)   Tue May 17, 2011 8:26 pm

I repeat what Makky says with a different few word choices, and some unwitty side responses.

Aside from that, I feel utterly unsure about this story. Bloody fingers wasn't a good choice, I would have started something like that with a flash back, but bloody fingers is a nono. I also feel like it is very cliché, if its about zombies, vampires, werewolves, I only have one thing to say, "cliché".
Last sentence, why is the floor bloody and red? The floor isn't bleeding is it? No, your body is...
I dunno, I'm gonna stop here.
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MsJoyMaeda
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PostSubject: Re: Prologue to a chilling story. (NOT)   Wed May 18, 2011 1:19 pm

Makkine wrote:
Critique? Yes.

I made that a while ago and i need 30 posts to write chapter 1!

First off, grammar. I is capitalised when you're using it as a personal pronoun. Also, I think you forgot a few commas or semicolons. You also need to stop using run-on sentences every other word.

I'll do this paragraph by paragraph.

"As the bloody fingers grasped my neck i could see my life flash before my eyes. I see laughter, tears, familiar faces, friends and family."

First, this is barely coherent. It feels random. Give me something similar to an introduction before you bring in random bloody fingers. I liked the structuring of the second sentence, sure, but it still felt random.
Also, I think you should leave out the "I see". It makes it seem as though you were reciting this, not actually feeling it. Show, not tell.

"Then i get back to reality. As I felt the wet, red hands correse my neck, I couldnt breath, nor say anything. No sound came from my now dried up mouth. I tried as hard as i could to scream for help, but nothing came out. Then i couldnt even move until i felt my body get heavy, and slowly drop to the bloody red floor."

The first sentence was not an appropriate transition. It feels stuck-on, and fake. Try something more like: "with a shudder and a gasp, my vision clears and I am back in reality".
As for the second sentence, what is a correse? That's not a word. I'm positive you mean "caress"? But that's not a good word choice, either. Try "grasp" or "choke" or "close around", maybe. You caress lovingly. Murdering someone lovingly? Not so much.
ALSO: you're telling, not showing again. What does it feel like to not breathe? Did she try to scream, only to hear a dry cough? Nice try, but I can't imagine the situation.
The third sentence is repetitive. Cut it out.
The fourth sentence is repetitive. Cut it out.
The fifth sentence is random. I have no idea how much time passed since the hands first began to "caress" her neck, but I'm sure it's an unrealistic amount.

Also, you use the word "bloody" or "blood" or "wet, red" too often. Stop being so bloody British!

Aside from that, I thoroughly enjoyed the writing style, and the story is intriguing enough.

Lastly: YOU WON'T GET 30 POSTS. DON'T EVEN TRY. FAIL.

Good point there. Her word choice is a little... "weak". And the words blood, bloody, wet , and red made me NOT want to read the story because I don't like violence, but good point there, Makkine.
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Relora
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PostSubject: Re: Prologue to a chilling story. (NOT)   Wed May 18, 2011 3:46 pm

Makkine wrote:
Critique? Yes.

I made that a while ago and i need 30 posts to write chapter 1!

First off, grammar. I is capitalised when you're using it as a personal pronoun. Also, I think you forgot a few commas or semicolons. You also need to stop using run-on sentences every other word.

I'll do this paragraph by paragraph.

"As the bloody fingers grasped my neck i could see my life flash before my eyes. I see laughter, tears, familiar faces, friends and family."

First, this is barely coherent. It feels random. Give me something similar to an introduction before you bring in random bloody fingers. I liked the structuring of the second sentence, sure, but it still felt random.
Also, I think you should leave out the "I see". It makes it seem as though you were reciting this, not actually feeling it. Show, not tell.

"Then i get back to reality. As I felt the wet, red hands correse my neck, I couldnt breath, nor say anything. No sound came from my now dried up mouth. I tried as hard as i could to scream for help, but nothing came out. Then i couldnt even move until i felt my body get heavy, and slowly drop to the bloody red floor."

The first sentence was not an appropriate transition. It feels stuck-on, and fake. Try something more like: "with a shudder and a gasp, my vision clears and I am back in reality".
As for the second sentence, what is a correse? That's not a word. I'm positive you mean "caress"? But that's not a good word choice, either. Try "grasp" or "choke" or "close around", maybe. You caress lovingly. Murdering someone lovingly? Not so much.
ALSO: you're telling, not showing again. What does it feel like to not breathe? Did she try to scream, only to hear a dry cough? Nice try, but I can't imagine the situation.
The third sentence is repetitive. Cut it out.
The fourth sentence is repetitive. Cut it out.
The fifth sentence is random. I have no idea how much time passed since the hands first began to "caress" her neck, but I'm sure it's an unrealistic amount.

Also, you use the word "bloody" or "blood" or "wet, red" too often. Stop being so bloody British!

Aside from that, I thoroughly enjoyed the writing style, and the story is intriguing enough.

Lastly: YOU WON'T GET 30 POSTS. DON'T EVEN TRY. FAIL.

I agree with the telling part.When it comes to description try not to use "ing" adjectives and "I see" and "I hear" this is more like telling not feeling.
Your reader doesn't always want to be told, they want to feel the tension and fear your story is bringing.
Other then that listen to Makkine, when it comes to things like this she would be the one to listen to.
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Rock N Roll
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PostSubject: Re: Prologue to a chilling story. (NOT)   Wed May 18, 2011 7:00 pm

pale jeez. I didnt want it to be published or turned to an actual book or anything. I know I said I welcomed the critisism. My bad. But I deleted it ok? And plus, I wrote it when I was younger after a scary movie my brother let me watch. He gave me the words "Carese" ok? Thats what I meant by while ago. So lay off. But, wait, never mind, free speech. blah blah. Im gonna get on with my life, can you people? silent
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Makkine
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PostSubject: Re: Prologue to a chilling story. (NOT)   Wed May 18, 2011 7:43 pm

Rock N Roll wrote:
pale jeez. I didnt want it to be published or turned to an actual book or anything. I know I said I welcomed the critisism. My bad. But I deleted it ok? And plus, I wrote it when I was younger after a scary movie my brother let me watch. He gave me the words "Carese" ok? Thats what I meant by while ago. So lay off. But, wait, never mind, free speech. blah blah. Im gonna get on with my life, can you people? silent
Well, sorry. But it's true, it's important to use proper grammar. I'm not hiding behind "free speech" as an excuse, mostly because I wasn't even being rude.

I love writing. It's my life. And I also love teaching those who aren't so good at it how to improve. I was merely helping you be better, I wasn't personally offending you or anything. Even if it isn't serious, critique is ALWAYS useful. If you can't take it, don't ask for it. Simple.
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Rock N Roll
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PostSubject: Re: Prologue to a chilling story. (NOT)   Thu May 19, 2011 2:24 pm

i wasnt saying you cant critisise me. In fact iI said you could. I said I encourage free speech, say what you want. tongue And plus I wasnt even looking for grammar stuff because its a rough draft and im posting it on a chatting thing.
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Relora
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PostSubject: Re: Prologue to a chilling story. (NOT)   Thu May 19, 2011 2:58 pm

if you aren't really found of critiques you could ask for peoples help (like Makkine) to help improve your story grammatically and what not
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PostSubject: Re: Prologue to a chilling story. (NOT)   Thu May 19, 2011 4:07 pm

For critiques, listen to Makkine. She has a lot of good things to say to help you get better at writing...
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Rock N Roll
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PostSubject: Re: Prologue to a chilling story. (NOT)   Fri May 20, 2011 3:25 pm

no thx. Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Prologue to a chilling story. (NOT)   Fri May 20, 2011 4:54 pm

Rock N Roll wrote:
no thx. Very Happy
Why not? I'm only trying to help here. °-°
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Rock N Roll
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PostSubject: Re: Prologue to a chilling story. (NOT)   Fri May 20, 2011 7:38 pm

Like I said!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do what you want lol. Im trying 2 pretend it never happened, thats why i deleted it. Rolling Eyes
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PostSubject: Re: Prologue to a chilling story. (NOT)   Sat May 21, 2011 12:56 am

@Rock N Roll- Never delete something you posted, it just shows how scared you are of getting more critiques. Accept my words..
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PostSubject: Re: Prologue to a chilling story. (NOT)   Sat May 21, 2011 7:34 am

Here Let Me Try To Help You! Please Make It I Wonder What Its About confused
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