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 Hope- Part 3

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Oliver
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PostSubject: Hope- Part 3   Fri Mar 05, 2010 5:03 pm

Rainarrow stared at Shinelly. "How strange she came up with such a character, when space warrior Slimeii looked just like her." Jacov nodded. "Now that you think about it, Shinelly looks alot like her to." "Let me see something." Rainarrow whispered. She took the lilac out of her hair. And put it close to Shinellys heart.
The lilac started growing. "Impossible." By this time the lilac was the size of her chest.

"We..Have made a incredible discovery."
"The world of Slimeii is the same as ours."

Slowly she took the lilac out. "How?"
"..."
"Kidnapped. Amnesia."

"But shinelly aint a orphan!

"MAYBE SHES REBORN!"

Slowly the 2 silenced. Shinelly was fast asleep.

"Should we call Chaos? We can make her sing the chant."
"She can play the flute at the same time."

"Yes, we will call Chaos."
And the Lilac flew upwards to create a stream of light.

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The Criticizer
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PostSubject: Re: Hope- Part 3   Fri Mar 05, 2010 5:10 pm

Critique:

Remember, Details! You need absolutely more details! The story is moving very fast, details will help slow it down. Show don't tell!

What color was the lilac?
What does Shinelly look like?
Explain the ideas more!

Its a bit hard to understand, thats where my advice from above comes in.

Keep Working.
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pokeranger
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PostSubject: Re: Hope- Part 3   Fri Mar 05, 2010 7:46 pm

Thats good! But the criticizer is right. I think you need more detail
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Oliver
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PostSubject: Re: Hope- Part 3   Sun Mar 07, 2010 1:29 pm

pokeranger wrote:
Thats good! But the criticizer is right. I think you need more detail
Yeah, hes always right, I think he should write a story here. It would be very succesful!

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PostSubject: Re: Hope- Part 3   Sun Mar 07, 2010 2:11 pm

That's a great story! Can't wait for more! Wink

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McKenna
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PostSubject: Re: Hope- Part 3   Sun Mar 07, 2010 2:11 pm

Thats a really great story! Can't wait for more!
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pokeranger
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PostSubject: Re: Hope- Part 3   Sun Mar 07, 2010 3:41 pm

When is part four coming up? I want to read it!
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pinkys
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PostSubject: Re: Hope- Part 3   Sun Mar 07, 2010 3:42 pm

wow great story! cant wait for more
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