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Relora
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PostSubject: short story things   Sun Jul 17, 2011 8:54 pm

Criticism, rating, thoughts, even a simple comment saying you read it (lol) are highly encouraged and sought after.


Light:
 

Water and Ice:
 

Wind:
 


Last edited by Relora on Tue Jul 19, 2011 4:30 pm; edited 6 times in total
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xXlexiXx
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PostSubject: Re: short story things   Sun Jul 17, 2011 9:02 pm

very good ^.^
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-♥Sweet19971♥-
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PostSubject: Re: short story things   Tue Jul 19, 2011 11:14 am

~peace♥~ wrote:
very good ^.^



>.<

Yea It's Very Good Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy
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alex
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PostSubject: Re: short story things   Tue Jul 19, 2011 12:09 pm

It is very good. ^-~ Yes, I apologize for no criticism of the sort, but I literally have nothing to criticize Shocked

EDIT: @Sweety's siggy "No Fantage-No life"? So You're saying I have no life? >.>

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tumblr / 내 호버크라프트는 장어로 가득 차 있어요. ㅡㅅㅡ
thank u elliot for the pic of me n my gf♥
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Makkine
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PostSubject: Re: short story things   Tue Jul 19, 2011 12:57 pm

Hey! So I heard you'd like some critique? I think I've already been established as a writer here and in other places, so I'd be glad to drop some constructive criticism on your first story, "Light".

First, the line "A deity of integrity, Honor and strength" should not be its own sentence, nor should the word "honour" be capitalised. Therefore, your sentence should read: "She stood in the clouds, a deity of integrity, honour, and strength". Next, you go on to describe the deity in great detail. In so much detail, in fact, that your character is reminiscent of a Mary Sue. For character description, one or two sentences ought to suffice. I prefer to have the character's looks be insinuated otherwise. For example, "she ran a finger through her knee-length hair, smiling as she saw the light caught in it." My last criticism for this paragraph is that "Constantly moving with an appearance of constant movement" is too repetitive. Try just using "constantly moving."

Egh. Please, STOP DESCRIBING YOUR CHARACTER'S APPEARANCE. We, as your readers, are quite sick of it. Cut out the second paragraph completely, and add SMALL clothing details to the first.

I really liked the third paragraph, and I have no feedback. It was quite good, and reminiscent of a fable or a high fantasy story. Good job! Any mistakes in pacing or fluidity will be straightened out in time as you become a better writer.

The fourth paragraph had a good beginning and concluding sentence, but there was one line that really bothered me: "When called for she would raise her hands up,eyes shut, and flail them around quick and yet graceful. Light moving into a concentrated shape or area." I don't think your word choice was appropriate. Flailing indicates ungracefulness, never mind that you are telling - not showing - how they're graceful. Also "Light moving into a concentrated shape or area" should not be its own sentence.

Good ending.

@Animal: I think it says "Pa beyeetegdsh pa lhiek'dsh". So you speak gibberish? I thought pa meant "but" in Russian. *Is using the Finnish system for the umlaut sound.*
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Z
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PostSubject: Re: short story things   Tue Jul 19, 2011 1:03 pm

too many words i can't understand
derp
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Oliver
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PostSubject: Re: short story things   Tue Jul 19, 2011 1:24 pm

why are they all girls

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Relora
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PostSubject: Re: short story things   Tue Jul 19, 2011 3:30 pm

@Makki thank you for the feedback I will go and tweak the story story fittingly. Though she is very much reminiscent of a Mary-sue, isn't that what many Greeks had described and pictured their own gods and goddesses? Though they did have the weakness for mischief and argument many see gods and goddesses as perfect. I guess I could try and fix that a bit. As for the flailing thing. I couldn't find a term that seemed to work so I used an oxey-moron there. I guess I shall change it anyway.

@Timegear I believe that since I myself am a girl, I relate and respond better to that gender making the writing process for description on clothes, looks, movements etc. easier. Though I was going to make my next one male.

Thank you for your kind comments everyone, though I feel as if your going easy on me.
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Makkine
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PostSubject: Re: short story things   Tue Jul 19, 2011 4:27 pm

@Relora: the Greek Gods were far from perfect. They were wife-thieves, gamblers, impulsive, and war-crazed. I think the only "perfect" God is the Judeo-Christian one, actually. For flailing, try "fly them around her head".
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Relora
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PostSubject: Re: short story things   Tue Jul 19, 2011 4:30 pm

@ Makki Okay your right now that I think of it more. I was confusing the gods themselves and what an artists viewpoint of their sculptures for them were. Oh and yea I'll try it
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