Fantage Forum
Welcome to the Fantage Forum.


Fantage Cheats, Secrets, Glitches, Info & Help.
 
HomeFAQSearchMemberlistRegisterLog inUsergroups


Share | 
 

 um. dis b a story. don't plan on finish anytime soon. k? k.

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
Vanilla bean frap
Junior Fantagian


Posts : 87
Join date : 2010-09-18
Age : 14

PostSubject: um. dis b a story. don't plan on finish anytime soon. k? k.   Wed Sep 14, 2011 12:41 am

I rolled over to take a look at the clock. It was 3 hours past midnight, and I still hadn't fallen asleep. I heard someone chanting "Jackie", my name, over and over again, but I didn't know who it was. Not to mention, I was a high schooler about to enter college, so of course stress filled my mind all the time. I turned on a music box, and tried to forget about it.
As the calm sounds filled the air, the chanting got quieter and eventually stopped. I thought I was safe enough, so I turned off the music box. But as soon as I did so, the chanting began once again. I even heard the door creaking, so I decided I should check it out.
Since I was much too scared to face a bad guy alone, I looked for my parents first. They weren't in their room, nor were they in any of the bathrooms. I checked all the other spare bedrooms, and there was no sign of them anywhere.

At that point, I was terrified, but I still had a little bit of hope left. I slowly tip-toed downstairs, so nobody could hear me. I searched almost everywhere, but I couldn't find my parents. There was one last place left, the hallway. I decided to go there last because the front door was there, and if it was open, I'd be done for in a minute.
And considering my luck, the door really was open, and two men were talking to each other. They had two large bags, probably to store goods in. It was dark, and I couldn't identify them. I wanted to turn on the light, but they would notice me if I did. I kept listening to them until they either left, or saw me.

They kept rambling about who their next target should be, so I was getting impatient. Unfortunately, I tapped the wall loudly, and sure enough, the men turned around and pointed at me.
"What do you think you're doing, pathetic little girl?" one of them asked me.
I was shaking of terror, and I couldn't respond to them, even if I tried. I dashed outside of the door and hopped into my car, speeding towards my best friend Erin's house. I got out of my car and banged on the door with my fists, screaming "HELP!" as loud as my voice would let me.
I turned around and noticed that a car was coming towards me, faster and faster. The words "Robert Robs Your House and Life" were scribbled on the front window in a spooky, red font. I frantically rang the doorbell.
The door opened, and I saw a really tired woman in front of me. I was surprised that anyone would even answer a doorbell at that hour.

Before she could even open her mouth, I started yelling.
"Look, you've gotta let me stay at your place for a while. I can't go back to mine. I got robbed. I swear! I can't! Please, just please!"
She was probably too tired to even ask a question, so she just nodded and went inside. I quickly followed her.
I turned around to get one last look at the robbers' car. They had gone back the other way, and I let out a sigh of relief.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
IM MELODY'S HACKER!!!!
Featured User


Posts : 4132
Join date : 2011-06-01
Location : derp

PostSubject: Re: um. dis b a story. don't plan on finish anytime soon. k? k.   Wed Sep 14, 2011 12:46 am

Woah, awesome for a nine year old. Theword choice was OK, but you should use a theasaurus.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Bbydoll
Dedicated Fantagian


Posts : 1413
Join date : 2010-09-08
Age : 19
Location : Sinnoh

PostSubject: Re: um. dis b a story. don't plan on finish anytime soon. k? k.   Wed Sep 14, 2011 12:48 am

That's really good suspense.
I agree with Melody, You don't have to know the words right off of your head.
But I think you should look up some similar words, and expand the vocab ;P

but it's really good for a 9 year old ;D
Back to top Go down
View user profile
IM MELODY'S HACKER!!!!
Featured User


Posts : 4132
Join date : 2011-06-01
Location : derp

PostSubject: Re: um. dis b a story. don't plan on finish anytime soon. k? k.   Wed Sep 14, 2011 1:02 am

Bbydoll wrote:
That's really good suspense.
I agree with Melody, You don't have to know the words right off of your head.
But I think you should look up some similar words, and expand the vocab ;P

but it's really good for a 9 year old ;D

It's Taost. o -o Melody let me up her posts. xD
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Crownie
Dedicated Fantagian


Posts : 1009
Join date : 2011-09-11
Age : 20
Location : In the center of the sun.

PostSubject: Re: um. dis b a story. don't plan on finish anytime soon. k? k.   Wed Sep 14, 2011 1:11 am

Wows awesome and interesting! I must admit I was very captured by the story the whole time. I agree very well written story for your age. Keep at it with the story writing and you'll be on your way to being a great author (:

And for now I don't think you need a thesaurus or anything, only when you've used the same word for a while now, unless you want to create a pattern/rhythm.
Sometimes you don't want to look too hard for bigger words. In writing you should avoid unreasonably high vocabulary.

Well done ♥
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.pinkyprommis.wordpress.com
IM MELODY'S HACKER!!!!
Featured User


Posts : 4132
Join date : 2011-06-01
Location : derp

PostSubject: Re: um. dis b a story. don't plan on finish anytime soon. k? k.   Wed Sep 14, 2011 1:54 am

Crownie wrote:
In writing you should avoid unreasonably high vocabulary.
Well done ♥
YES
YES.
SI.
GIESE.
ARA.

This story is very well written.

Back to top Go down
View user profile
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: um. dis b a story. don't plan on finish anytime soon. k? k.   Today at 12:42 am

Back to top Go down
 
um. dis b a story. don't plan on finish anytime soon. k? k.
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Toy Story LEGO + MATTEL WWE
» Is death essential to good story writing?
» Campaign Story Challenge : ERA, "The Mass" Story
» Thinkaway's "Collectors" Toy Story Figures
» Possible story idea

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Fantage Forum :: Creations :: Artwork-
Jump to: