Chapter 3, Meeting a new friend

I started to stammer and I said.. "Okay I will " We talked and fun with each other then Amy and Josh came up to me and said " Eli what is wrong with you??" I said " What is it? " Amy ran in tears! Josh went to go talk to Rose...I thought.." Whats going on?" I was clueless. Pj came over my house with a boy. The most cutest boy I have ever seen. Cuter then Pj!! Pj said.. " Hello Eli this is my brother Benny" Benny said hello. I blushed and said hi back. Then my dad came racing to the door! " He was staring at Pj and Benny Then he started to laugh and said " Hello! I am her father you look like two young men now.. Who is your boyfriend Eli? I said " Pj." I pointed Pj smiled and said hello. Then Pj said " I have to go because I have to run the store. Can you take care of Benny?" I nodded smiling. Then he left. Benny had tripped and landed on my foot I said " BE CAREFUL! " My dad came downstairs and saw us.

Wait for chapter 4!

gettin gud <3 lawl

Thank you!

You get a cupcake!

yayyy *takes cupcake*

Nice story..

I see improvement :3

~Try not to use emotes, your description is all we need ;]
~The sentence's, Josh went to go talk to Rose...I thought.." Whats going on?" Question I was clueless. I'd rephrase that to something like this... Josh ran over to rose, What's going on? I thought a bit bewildered. But that's just my opinion.
~Remember when I was talking about using more advanced words instead of 'I said'. Well that rule also applies 'I went'. Try using run, gallop, hop, jump etc. Adds some more flare to the writing and allows the reader to see into what's happening more.
~In the last sentence in stead of saying 'I said "BE CAREFUL!"' I suggest maybe, "BE CAREFUL!" I snapped.

There is of course more to touch up on but I'm sure others will get to the nitty-gritty

Overall 5/10 Your improving little by little ^^

pikachu160 wrote:

I started to stammer and I said.. "Okay I will " We talked and fun with each other then Amy and Josh came up to me and said " Eli what is wrong with you??" I said " What is it? " Amy ran in tears! Josh went to go talk to Rose...I thought.." Whats going on?" I was clueless. Pj came over my house with a boy. The most cutest boy I have ever seen. Cuter then Pj!! Pj said.. " Hello Eli this is my brother Benny" Benny said hello. I blushed and said hi back. Then my dad came racing to the door! " He was staring at Pj and Benny Then he started to laugh and said " Hello! I am her father you look like two young men now.. Who is your boyfriend Eli? I said " Pj." I pointed Pj smiled and said hello. Then Pj said " I have to go because I have to run the store. Can you take care of Benny?" I nodded smiling. Then he left. Benny had tripped and landed on my foot I said " BE CAREFUL! " My dad came downstairs and saw us.

Wait for chapter 4!

[quote] lol

awesome!!!

I cant Wait for MORE!!
I like the story
Cool Story Bro . xDD

It's 'mazing!
Nice chapter. I'm waiting for the 4th one!