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 Chapter 3, Meeting a new friend

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. w .
Senior Fantagian


Posts : 298
Join date : 2011-09-18

PostSubject: Chapter 3, Meeting a new friend   Sat Oct 01, 2011 3:44 pm

I started to stammer and I said.. "Okay I will " We talked and fun with each other then Amy and Josh came up to me and said " Eli what is wrong with you??" I said " What is it? " Amy ran in tears! Josh went to go talk to Rose...I thought.." Whats going on?" Question I was clueless. Pj came over my house with a boy. The most cutest boy I have ever seen. Cuter then Pj!! Pj said.. " Hello Eli this is my brother Benny" Benny said hello. I blushed and said hi back. Then my dad came racing to the door! " He was staring at Pj and Benny Suspect Then he started to laugh and said " Hello! I am her father you look like two young men now.. Who is your boyfriend Eli? I said " Pj." I pointed Pj smiled and said hello. Then Pj said " I have to go because I have to run the store. Can you take care of Benny?" I nodded smiling. Then he left. Benny had tripped and landed on my foot I said " BE CAREFUL! " My dad came downstairs and saw us.

Wait for chapter 4!
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xXlexiXx
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Posts : 1588
Join date : 2011-01-27
Age : 98
Location : byeeeeeeee

PostSubject: Re: Chapter 3, Meeting a new friend   Sat Oct 01, 2011 4:15 pm

gettin gud <3 lawl
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. w .
Senior Fantagian


Posts : 298
Join date : 2011-09-18

PostSubject: Re: Chapter 3, Meeting a new friend   Sat Oct 01, 2011 4:37 pm

Thank you!

You get a cupcake!
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xXlexiXx
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 3, Meeting a new friend   Sat Oct 01, 2011 4:56 pm

yayyy *takes cupcake*

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John_Rocks
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 3, Meeting a new friend   Sun Oct 02, 2011 11:49 am

Nice story..
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Relora
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 3, Meeting a new friend   Sun Oct 02, 2011 12:29 pm

I see improvement :3

~Try not to use emotes, your description is all we need ;]
~The sentence's, Josh went to go talk to Rose...I thought.." Whats going on?" Question I was clueless. I'd rephrase that to something like this... Josh ran over to rose, What's going on? I thought a bit bewildered. But that's just my opinion.
~Remember when I was talking about using more advanced words instead of 'I said'. Well that rule also applies 'I went'. Try using run, gallop, hop, jump etc. Adds some more flare to the writing and allows the reader to see into what's happening more.
~In the last sentence in stead of saying 'I said "BE CAREFUL!"' I suggest maybe, "BE CAREFUL!" I snapped.

There is of course more to touch up on but I'm sure others will get to the nitty-gritty

Overall 5/10 Your improving little by little ^^


Last edited by Aurora on Sun Oct 02, 2011 12:34 pm; edited 1 time in total
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ValleyBall70
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Posts : 152
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Age : 21

PostSubject: Wow! nice story so far   Sun Oct 02, 2011 12:32 pm

Very Happy
pikachu160 wrote:
I started to stammer and I said.. "Okay I will " We talked and fun with each other then Amy and Josh came up to me and said " Eli what is wrong with you??" I said " What is it? " Amy ran in tears! Josh went to go talk to Rose...I thought.." Whats going on?" Question I was clueless. Pj came over my house with a boy. The most cutest boy I have ever seen. Cuter then Pj!! Pj said.. " Hello Eli this is my brother Benny" Benny said hello. I blushed and said hi back. Then my dad came racing to the door! " He was staring at Pj and Benny Suspect Then he started to laugh and said " Hello! I am her father you look like two young men now.. Who is your boyfriend Eli? I said " Pj." I pointed Pj smiled and said hello. Then Pj said " I have to go because I have to run the store. Can you take care of Benny?" I nodded smiling. Then he left. Benny had tripped and landed on my foot I said " BE CAREFUL! " My dad came downstairs and saw us.

Wait for chapter 4!
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ValleyBall70
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Posts : 152
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Age : 21

PostSubject: Re: Chapter 3, Meeting a new friend   Sun Oct 02, 2011 12:33 pm

[quote] lol
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kateyperry221
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Age : 17
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 3, Meeting a new friend   Sun Oct 02, 2011 12:34 pm

awesome!!!
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taehyung
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Age : 16
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 3, Meeting a new friend   Fri Oct 07, 2011 6:19 am

I cant Wait for MORE!!
I like the story
Cool Story Bro . xDD
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Blue
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Age : 103
Location : How am I supposed to know? D; LOCATING MYSELF IS HARD.

PostSubject: Re: Chapter 3, Meeting a new friend   Fri Oct 07, 2011 7:11 am

It's 'mazing!
Nice chapter. I'm waiting for the 4th one!
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 3, Meeting a new friend   Today at 6:49 am

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