| | Some of my stories, a few poems, and a drawing. | |
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+7alex Crownie lucia Blackrose Relora kateyperry221 Makkine 11 posters | Author | Message |
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Makkine Moderator
Posts : 2772 Join date : 2010-05-17 Age : 26 Location : Woah
| Subject: Some of my stories, a few poems, and a drawing. Sun Oct 02, 2011 12:10 pm | |
| Heya! Would you all like to see the artwork of the other, less artsy mod? Of course you would. People on my deviantART or on the other forum I frequent have definitely seen these. Critique is very welcome, praise/compliments as well, general commentary also. Please do not just rate and leave, though. (SHORT) STORIES - Winter:
They held hands as the air around them tugged at their hair and the sidewalk felt like ice. And they were skating down concrete and asphalt with the coldness of forgotten times still hanging around them and still being right out of touch. But that didn’t matter, because panes of glass and windows with cracks of cobweb-ice watched them go by. The buildings wished to love and laugh again in a city downtown that felt so much, too much, like the countryside.
He led her down the wreathed halls of a city in the wintertime, and she breathed ghosts into the air that danced before drifting into a sky that promised rain-turned-snow. Her words were caught in them as she spoke, and her happiness was, too. They were looking for a shop, and they followed maps as the explorers had done before them when North America was nothing but snow and sometimes people.
It was a building built into the sides of the street and the windows were covered in ice, too. The insides of the shop were hidden by the frost, and the door protested as it was opened. There was the feeling of warmth as they entered, and they both let loose the breath they were not aware they had been holding.
The store manager was an old man with tufts of hair behind his ears and cataracted eyes that were even more faded behind his glasses. He nodded once as he saw them enter, greeted the man and asked for the woman’s name. The couple still hugged each other even if they no longer needed the warmth.
- Peeling off the blisters on your feet after running:
She peels off the dying skin on the soles of her feet, she peels away the layers and blisters and sees the smoothness underneath, peels away the age until it hurts and her nails are crusted with skin and parts of heel.
Perhaps she is trying to be reborn, perhaps she is a phoenix who is burnt before flying and killed before living, perhaps mutilation and flakes of skin are her way of feeling her birth.
She isn’t thinking, subconscious and that’s why the exposed softness is pink but not bleeding. She’s been running, you can tell because her feet are cracked and she’s peeling off the layers of skin.
It was a long run, up and down the mountain, stop. Breathe. the world was spread out and it was caught vulnerable, frozen. Buildings never rose, they were. Stop, rest. Breathe. Her feet were cracking. The insides of her tennis shoes had skin on them again. Breathe. Run, pant her knees knocked together as the world melded into one, and her skin was shining. There was much too little oxygen so high up. The air conditioner reaches her bones. She takes off her shoes and peels away the dead.
- Extract from a chapter from a novel I'm kinda half-working on?:
I blow my breath over the last dregs of coffee in my cup. It is a magnificent beverage, surely, and a magnificent way to think as well. I am not thinking right now, however. I'm waiting. There is one last person I need to see before finishing. He's incredulous, and rightly so. The human body is incredibly hard to kill. Welcome to Carbon Compound v.innumerable.
The door opens and the air re-arranges itself in the space that's now available, proving the contours of the boy in the way. What a curious artefact, they must think, with two legs and two arms and I think this bump is a nose and I think that hole is a gunshot wound. They create a figure from negative space, though, and that is where they are mistaken. This boy is nothing but substance. I stand up and stretch out my hand. The boy with a clump of hair missing stays unmoving. But I can't expect his politeness right now, can I? I chuckle. He does not. Despite his insolence, I gesture towards and empty chair, suggesting he take it. The boy sits. "Good evening, Saloy."
"Tassayal eğon seu dach," his voice is fast, afraid, tripping oer itself. "Nrozo- Norgoye essa maz."
"Cosinian, is it?" The boy's breath is much too fast to be healthy. "Watch your BPM, Saloy."
He breaks back into his native language. "Don't matter 'nymore, does it?" he covers his face, mouth ajar like the still half-open door. "Don't matter 'cause every'ing I've learnt don't." His shoulders jump up once, slow down to the rate of his breathing. You're rushing. I don't know for how long he stays in this altered state, pretending to be more lost than he truly is. But eventually his shoulder-hiccups diminish in frequency and he takes his hands from his eyes. Water curls around the outline of his cheeks, reddening them. Saloy's voice is hanging by a thread once he speaks again. "It- It is Cosinian, Tora says it's a plea for mercy from God. I'm sorry you 'ave to ... I must be wasting your time."
POEMS - Random:
Sometimes metamorphism isn't enough To explain away the changing of the seasons And sometimes I we me need to rethink and rewrite The worlds that have been lost to so many people Places things forget the grammar and may all The neologisms live in peace in a language made of Improvisation information regurgitation Toss away all hymns to the idolatry and heresy because D-mn all those that decide religion lacks for them Religion is rethought rewrote in them O hallelujah Cynical drivel of those looking for a future that Has odd scars and odd beauty and I'd like to Forget something that is irrational so that just For another second I can explain away the rhetoric Art of speech as though that were still influential In a story of skepticism and the orators forget To breathe because the words are too fast This is not an order order up the words without Punctuation.
- Short poem one:
Heels dig into cement and muscles strain, Tendons snap into place. Underfoot, Rocks are crushed, for there are too many thoughts To care about debris.
- Written at night (not too sure whether I should include enjambment in the second stanza):
The air is unmoving; You can hear the dog’s clamour, Nighttime silence wailing. The sound arises from nothing, Becomes heavy and rests.
You can envision the wind, Roaring, furious, picking itself up screaming. You can envision the dust, Blinding and never settling. But
No, It is a night so clean, The air so clear, Your breathing is what’s loud.
- Short poem two:
It is black-skied, two-eyed daytime again. Light coming from a sun running out of fire is 80,000 AU away, visible thanks to a remembered greatness. The stars or suns or supernovae do not stutter. They simply cannot be seen.
It is a godforsaken time for a universe, you see, When matter has dispersed and not yet broken apart.
ART - Coloured OC:
- Pencil-shaded OC, kinda slanted >_>:
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| | | kateyperry221 Senior Fantagian
Posts : 470 Join date : 2011-04-13 Age : 24 Location : Home.
| Subject: Re: Some of my stories, a few poems, and a drawing. Sun Oct 02, 2011 12:13 pm | |
| I likez all of em!! But who is the girl in the art section?? | |
| | | Makkine Moderator
Posts : 2772 Join date : 2010-05-17 Age : 26 Location : Woah
| Subject: Re: Some of my stories, a few poems, and a drawing. Sun Oct 02, 2011 12:24 pm | |
| - kateyperry221 wrote:
- I likez all of em!!
But who is the girl in the art section?? She's an original character from a political fiction story I like making up in my spare time. | |
| | | kateyperry221 Senior Fantagian
Posts : 470 Join date : 2011-04-13 Age : 24 Location : Home.
| Subject: Re: Some of my stories, a few poems, and a drawing. Sun Oct 02, 2011 12:26 pm | |
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| | | Relora Hero Fantagian
Posts : 6776 Join date : 2010-11-30 Age : 26 Location : Define "Location"
| Subject: Re: Some of my stories, a few poems, and a drawing. Sun Oct 02, 2011 12:33 pm | |
| I enjoyed them all very much. Seeing as I'm always humbled by your critiques, I find my self not fit for critiquing your own stories. Same goes for pictures and poems, But I must say they all are quite well done and show that effort and time was put into all of them for sure. | |
| | | Blackrose Hero Fantagian
Posts : 7338 Join date : 2010-07-20
| Subject: Re: Some of my stories, a few poems, and a drawing. Sun Oct 02, 2011 1:13 pm | |
| i skimmed thought but they sound great. *Clap Clap* you never know a person's true potential until you see for yourself | |
| | | Makkine Moderator
Posts : 2772 Join date : 2010-05-17 Age : 26 Location : Woah
| Subject: Re: Some of my stories, a few poems, and a drawing. Sun Oct 02, 2011 1:15 pm | |
| @Relora: Don't be afraid to critique, humble me instead. Thank you!
@Skye: Thank'ee, and I appreciate the small-texted message as well. :DD | |
| | | lucia Passionate Fantagian
Posts : 948 Join date : 2011-09-04 Age : 23 Location : at my home
| Subject: Re: Some of my stories, a few poems, and a drawing. Sun Oct 02, 2011 2:19 pm | |
| i like the picture thats colored in the best out of all the other things you did. | |
| | | Guest Guest
| Subject: Re: Some of my stories, a few poems, and a drawing. Sun Oct 02, 2011 2:32 pm | |
| I LOVE THESE MAKKINE. THATS ALL THAT NEEDS TO BE SAID. |
| | | Crownie Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1010 Join date : 2011-09-11 Age : 28 Location : In the center of the sun.
| Subject: Re: Some of my stories, a few poems, and a drawing. Sun Oct 02, 2011 2:47 pm | |
| BEAUTIFUL. Although, some of your stories have minor grammar problems. Ex: I am not thinking right now, however. I am waiting. Your however is placed awkwardly. Use it like: However, I am not think right now; I am waiting. Or I am not thinking right now; I am waiting.
Just a little tip on that. I advise to read things out loud. You can catch mistakes easier by doing that. And your art is nice. I like the sketch better than the colored, but I think it's because I like sketchy art style. Overall, you did a great job! | |
| | | Makkine Moderator
Posts : 2772 Join date : 2010-05-17 Age : 26 Location : Woah
| Subject: Re: Some of my stories, a few poems, and a drawing. Sun Oct 02, 2011 5:30 pm | |
| @lucia and roxs: Wow, thanks! :DD
@Crownie: Thank you so, so much. I'm not a native English speaker, so my grammar can be off at times. I appreciate your help, and you're right. I always read my poems aloud, but I really need to do that with my prose as well. I love the sketchy art style, glad you liked!
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| | | lucia Passionate Fantagian
Posts : 948 Join date : 2011-09-04 Age : 23 Location : at my home
| Subject: Re: Some of my stories, a few poems, and a drawing. Sun Oct 02, 2011 5:49 pm | |
| yea i wonder how you make short stories because everytime i make a story, i just make it longer than i wanted it to be. | |
| | | Makkine Moderator
Posts : 2772 Join date : 2010-05-17 Age : 26 Location : Woah
| Subject: Re: Some of my stories, a few poems, and a drawing. Mon Oct 03, 2011 6:33 pm | |
| Haha, I have the opposite problem. If I work for too long on something, I won't be able to continue effectively. | |
| | | alex Moderator
Posts : 23507 Join date : 2010-08-10 Age : 24 Location : google maps
| Subject: Re: Some of my stories, a few poems, and a drawing. Mon Oct 03, 2011 8:13 pm | |
| agdjsdf I love all of your work (expescially your drawings<3). | |
| | | FruitCake Veteran Fantagian
Posts : 4126 Join date : 2011-05-24 Age : 21 Location : ♫
| Subject: Re: Some of my stories, a few poems, and a drawing. Mon Oct 03, 2011 8:17 pm | |
| wow they are really good ;D | |
| | | pokeranger Hero Fantagian
Posts : 5454 Join date : 2010-01-29 Age : 24 Location : Loading...
| Subject: Re: Some of my stories, a few poems, and a drawing. Mon Oct 03, 2011 8:24 pm | |
| Your drawing is amazing. ;-; | |
| | | Blue Veteran Fantagian
Posts : 3257 Join date : 2011-05-04 Age : 110 Location : How am I supposed to know? D; LOCATING MYSELF IS HARD.
| Subject: Re: Some of my stories, a few poems, and a drawing. Thu Oct 06, 2011 6:58 am | |
| Wow, Makkine, they're all amazing! I liked the drawings best. | |
| | | -♥Sweet19971♥- Expert Fantagian
Posts : 2042 Join date : 2011-05-11 Age : 26 Location : Find me :p
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