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 Antipodes Chapter 3 IS OUT!

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taehyung
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PostSubject: Antipodes Chapter 3 IS OUT!   Wed Oct 12, 2011 8:51 am


Description:
Spoiler:
 

Pictures :
Spoiler:
 

Chapter 1 :

Spoiler:
 

Chapter 2 :


Spoiler:
 

Chapter 3 :
Spoiler:
 



Last edited by **cutey_larl** on Thu Nov 17, 2011 10:13 pm; edited 3 times in total
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Relora
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PostSubject: Re: Antipodes Chapter 3 IS OUT!   Wed Oct 12, 2011 2:59 pm

Red= Thigs that didn't transition well or poor word choice ( I didn't really focus on this though)
Italics= You tend to not put a space between two words, these were my corrections of it... there were A LOT!
Bold=Grammar corrections, again not my focus. I really was just trying to make it a appear like a story and part of the English language lol
Underlined= You must put a space after punctuation (not before, and I don't think you did it with dialogue) Other wise it's hard to see sentences)

My corrections, of chapter 1:
 

Very well done, though I suggest you don't actually make this into a real story, my little pony does have a copy right for some of that stuff.

7/10

~Work on spacing
~Grammar (I saw a few issues)
~Originality ;]



Go my little pony!!!
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PostSubject: Re: Antipodes Chapter 3 IS OUT!   Wed Oct 12, 2011 4:08 pm

I'm bad at grammar but I'll correct...I guess.

Legends spoke of a time when the moon and the sun moved across the sky at thebehest of two great goddesses, but those times had long since passed. One day, they simply went missing. No trace or hint of their whereabouts were ever found, and worse, the sun and moon froze in place above the planet. At first it hadn't been too bad. Ponies on the daylit side frolicked and enjoyed the constant sunshine, while the ponies on the night side enjoyed the cool calm of the world at night.Then, things began to take a turn for the worse--10,000 years later, Jigsaw's horn shone a blue light on the dark walls of the cave. A creamy, yellow pegasus trotted along behind him. Both shot glances over their shoulders every few minutes."Are you sure we're going the right way, Jigsaw?" said the pegasus."Relax, Tiptoe," Jigsaw said, squeezing through a pile of collapsed rocks that lay in their path. "I've made this trip four times now, and the worst thing I've had to deal with is cave-ins. "Cave-ins?" yelped Tiptoe, her wings quivering against her flanks. "What are we supposed to do if something blocks our way?"Jigsaw's horn glowed a brighter blue, and a rock that lay near Tiptoe's hoof moved out of her way. "I'll lift it," he said, matter-of-factly. To be perfectly honest with himself, Jigsaw was just as scared as his new apprentice.He'd been put in charge of the tribe's water management system several years ago.The cave had a massive system of pipes, valves, and tubes linking the general populaceto the only source of water for hundreds of miles: a vast, underground lake. At onetime, the lake had been a safe and even pleasant place to visit, but those days werelong gone. Horrible creatures had moved into the lake, and any visit there risked afight with one of them.Jigsaw's job wasn't easy, even if he didn't have to worry about things lurking in the dark. He had to adjust and reroute the water depending on broken pipes or areas thathad fallen to the monsters- and there were more of those every year. The very survivalof his civilization depended on it. This year, however, the Tribunal had seen fit to givehim an assistant to train. Jigsaw found it strange that her special talent was stealth.How could that help him? He tried not to think about it that much, though. He wasglad he was no longer alone.The blue light cast by Jigsaw's horn made sharp shadows appear on the rocks ahead ofhim. Tiptoe ruffled her wings.She never thought she'd be going into the lower sections of the cave. Nopony did-except for water maintenance and some "daring" adventurers. The Tribunal had beenattempting to put a stop to it for years- their numbers had already been reduceddangerously.There had been a time where thousands of ponies lived down there- you could still findthe empty, carved-out caverns if you walked far enough. But ever since the GrandCataclysm so long ago, they had sealed themselves off from the outside world of sunand desolation and attempted to make a life in the caves. They numbered only in thehundreds now.Suddenly, the claustrophobic tunnels opened up to a narrow walkway that spannedthe length of the cavern, ending with a spiral staircase that led up into a smooth rocksphere cut into the ceiling. Metal pipes ran out in all directions and down into the lake.Mercifully, the water was still and nothing stirred in the darkness.Jigsaw trotted out first and slowly made his way towards the staircase. The top of itstretched off towards the cavern’s ceiling. Tiptoe spread her wings wide. How shewished she could take off! She'd never seen a room so large. She could do more thanjust hover- she could really soar! Unfortunately, she knew that that was a bad idea.Something could be lurking up there.Back with the tribe, the largest room they had was the main chamber, and that wasno more than the height of twenty ponies. Pegasi were ground-ridden most of thetime. Sometimes, in excavating caverns, there were drop-offs that required pegasi tofly over to help to build a bridge, but those were few and far between. Pegasi were stilltreated well- the Tribunal was made of two delegates from each type of pony, but thepegasi as a race were declining. Less and less were born, and more and more earthponies were taking their place. Some pegasi never even got their cutie marks at all.Tiptoe was one of the lucky ones- her feather cutie mark represented her light weightand ability to sneak, which had proven very useful when attempting to clear outmonster infestations. That’s how she came to be assigned to work with Jigsaw. Shewas supposed to find ways around creatures instead of confronting them."C’mon, Tip!" Jigsaw yelled at the pegasus. She was simply standing there at thetunnel mouth, her wings spread wide, her jaw agape. "Silly pony," he said to himself,"she wouldn't last a second on her own. "He knew the feeling, though. (LOLWUT) The cavern was the largest room in the entire cavecomplex- so large that nopony had ever walked the circumference around the lake, orat least, nopony that tried ever made it back. The ceiling was several hundred feet upand shrouded in darkness.She trotted up to the staircase and clambered up the wide stone steps towards the stonesphere that served as the control panel for all the water systems throughout the cave.Even the sphere, which seemed tiny in this enormous cavern, was wide enough inside for about thirty ponies to stand abreast. Jigsaw was waiting for her at the top."Okay, this is how it works;" He flipped a switch and the room hummed to life. ''first step is to turn on the working lights." Various dials and gauges on thewalls began moving and from somewhere up above a ticker began printing readoutson paper that had yellowed with age.A deep rumble shook the room, a splash could be heard below, and a huge reptilianhead shot out of the water and raced up towards the shining orb on the ceiling. It wastriangular and had milky white eyes that appeared to glow yellow in the harsh lightfrom the viewing port that wrapped around the orb."What IS that thing?" Jigsaw yelled, jumping behind Tiptoe and putting his horn outhastily. "I've never seen anything like it!"Amazingly, seeing the two ponies in the room, the serpent appeared to recoil and slinkback into the water. The two ponies looked at each other and shared a nervous giggle.A bright light shot out from where the dragon had been, metal pipes groaned andsnapped, and the sphere broke free and plunged into the water below.

I'd correct more but I'm too lazy right now. You could use microsoft word to correct your mistakes. Also, each sentence has to have two spaces.

Hope I helped. o3o
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taehyung
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PostSubject: Re: Antipodes Chapter 3 IS OUT!   Thu Oct 13, 2011 4:43 am

Thanks for the Tips
I'll Try to improve
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PostSubject: Re: Antipodes Chapter 3 IS OUT!   Thu Oct 13, 2011 8:01 am

It's amazing! Nice story, just put capitals and spaces in the right places! Wink
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taehyung
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PostSubject: Re: Antipodes Chapter 3 IS OUT!   Fri Oct 14, 2011 4:48 am

Chapter 2 IS OUT !!! There r Pictures!!!
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PostSubject: Re: Antipodes Chapter 3 IS OUT!   Thu Nov 17, 2011 10:12 pm

Chapter 3 is out!!
Please Rate or critque
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PostSubject: Re: Antipodes Chapter 3 IS OUT!   Today at 11:37 am

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Antipodes Chapter 3 IS OUT!
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