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 Insy's life " Chapter 1 is out."

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moou2tache
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PostSubject: Insy's life " Chapter 1 is out."   Thu Dec 01, 2011 4:37 pm

spoiler=Chapter 1]
- "There was once a girl named Insy who is playing around to much." My teacher called up on me with a mad voice. My teacher, Mrs.Godfrey or should I say Mrs.Gabs. A few hours later the dissmissal bell rang. We all rushed out the door. I was looking foward to seeing my bestie, Kyara sometimes I call her Ky.. I don't know why though. I don't know why but, she has an exellent memory. It's like a computer,but smarter. Anyways I'm guessing she didn't- " INSY YOU FORGOT TO DO THE PROJECT" she yelled in my face. It sounded like my mom going insane when I asked her if I could have a dog or puppy. I told Ky that we already did it. " Oh" she said blushing. " Sorry" Oh hang im home. " Bye Ky" I said " Bye Ice " she said gigging. Great, now you've just heard that stupid retarded nickname. When I got inside my sister Ema was taking her afternoon nap. Shes 4 but she's lazy. Very lazy. Like a sloth. Oh wait I have to babysit,who cares? She's not a brat, I like her because she's not a torture. I whipped out my diary and started writing. Dear diary,Toady was alright but I just wanted to see my crush,ZachOh I think I hear my sister getting up from her nap,so I gotta go. ~Insy .-[/spoiler
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Katie_Forever
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PostSubject: Re: Insy's life " Chapter 1 is out."   Thu Dec 01, 2011 4:46 pm

It could be a good story with abit of critiquing, if thats allowed.
I just kinda felt that You started the story with someone else saying the story, but then it changed to first person? (first person right?)
And it seemed abit like there wasnt much of a intro and you didnt stay on one topic for very long. It seemed like everything happend REALLY fast.
Its pretty good though. Just needs abit of work.
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PostSubject: Re: Insy's life " Chapter 1 is out."   Thu Dec 01, 2011 9:41 pm

Everything is scrunched together and the story changes from third person to first person. Please make a new line every time a character is talking so it's easier to read. Put a space after your commas. When a character is talking to someone, they take a break, put a comma before whoever the character is talking to's name. Gah, I'm so bad at explaining and honestly I don't even know what some writing rules are called, yet I used them...lol.
example: "Good morning, class." said Mrs. Brown.

Shes 4 but she's lazy. Very lazy. Like a sloth - This sounds way too choppy. Please, try to combine your sentences together. Take the two sentences, "Very lazy. Like a sloth." and change it to "Very lazy--like a sloth." so it doesn't sound choppy. Also, numbers 1-10 are supposed to be in word form, but it's not a really big mistake.

Also, you don't really need to put a space when someone is talking (I mean after the apostrophes. Excuse my bad explanation.). Just make sure you put a comma whenever the character takes a break when they're talking.
example: "The hat is broken," Steven said, staring at the hat. "I'm going to fix it later."

This is a pretty good story, though.


Last edited by Mr.Taost on Thu Dec 01, 2011 10:06 pm; edited 3 times in total (Reason for editing : I forgot to put the other 'o' in "too". EDITx2: OH LOOK I EXPLAINED SOMETHING BAD. Fixed. ;3 EDITx3: Grammar mistake.)
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Winnowill
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PostSubject: Re: Insy's life " Chapter 1 is out."   Thu Dec 01, 2011 9:48 pm

This is an excellent story! The only thing that bothered me was when you repeated "I don't know why" twice in a row.

Quote :
I call her Ky.. I don't know why though. I don't know why but, she has an exellent memory

You might replace the first one with, for example: "I can't remember why though."
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PostSubject: Re: Insy's life " Chapter 1 is out."   Today at 9:30 pm

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Insy's life " Chapter 1 is out."
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