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S Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1417 Join date : 2010-02-06 Age : 19 Location : sad town
| Subject: Untitled Story Sat Jan 28, 2012 10:58 pm | |
| uh, this is my new story. Uh strong language sometimes, I guess. Uh yeah. Chapter 1 - Spoiler:
She rushed passed the wooden shacks that made up the village of Golems. Red dirt spouted from her feet as they hit the ground and she trampled the few weeds that grew in the village. The sun would soon rise and what little time she had to meet with him would soon be gone, since they would appear: the masters of the golems. They would blow upon the loud horns that summoned all of the golems to the fields to work. The previous humans who had existed on this earth had left it polluted and infertile. Children were born with mutations, horns, multiple eyes, strange limbs, and joints that bent backwards like the beasts. The few children that were born without the mutations caused by the pollution, were quickly taken from their parents and rushed to the royal city; therefore, they would be raised with no knowledge of who their real parents were.
Her trail of thought was interrupted as she tripped over a rock and landed flat upon her chest, her rump sticking into the air. Frowning, she picked herself up and attempted to brush the red dust off her shirt. She continued her rushed pace and quickly turned the corner; she came upon a rough path of stone. Her feet made odd noises as the stone brushed against the hard pads of her feet, a deep clopping noise like a horse's hoof; she had been born with horned pads on her feet, tiny spikes that grew off the bottom of her toes, and two horns that grew off her head, they made her resemble a ram. She ducked to the right and ran off the path and slid down the slope into a deep canyon. She hitched up her skirt and began to climb the canyon wall facing to the east. Small rocks tumbled down to the earthen floor below as her feet dug into the wall and harshly released, causing the rocks to knock down. She grabbed the top of the cliff and used a weed to haul herself up; she continued to run until she came to a tiny wooden shack. It was completely surrounded by trees and wasn't much to look at. Many of the boards were missing, and the once shingled roof now freely allowed water to seep onto the dirt floor beneath it. A few yards away a boy was sitting on a rock, he was staring blankly to the north, hardly moving. His hair was dark brown and curled slightly, his bangs fell just below his eyebrows. On the top of his head was a set of horns which oddly grew in a circle, and strongly resembled a crown. He was short, at least compared to all the other golems, and he lacked the usual pointed features that most golem's had. "Oi! Oi! Noble! I'm here!" She yelled, ending her call with a deep chortling laugh. The boy glanced up and then moved his gaze back to the north. She smiled and picked her way towards his rock. "You're always staring to the north aren't you? I'll always wonder why..." she said, but the boy doesn't respond. He is silent, always silent. "It will be winter soon, Noble, they'll work us hard to harvest all that we can. None of it for ourselves, 'course," She said, and then she let out a small sigh and continued, "I think Gramma is going to pass with the turn of the season, she's getting too old. She can't fight for the food like the rest, her portions are slowly getting smaller since that's all she can get. I try to get more.. but it's just..." She stopped there and buried her face into her hands, and slowly rocked back and forth. "I don't know what to do Noble, I can only sneak what I can for Pretty, but I can't get enough for both of them anymore." She said as she rubbed her fist against her nose and looked up to the sky. Noble turned towards her and looked, his eyes were troubled and his eyebrows were pushed close together as he frowned, but he said nothing. He had never spoken since the day he had arrived. ~ It had been a warm day, and the sun had glared down on everything beneath it. Her back ached from bending all day and pulling the the weeds from the neat rows of plants. She wiped the sweat off her forehead with the back of her hand. She coughed suddenly as a cloud of dust billowed into her face. After rubbing her eyes she stared, confused as a steel van pulled through the rows of plants, destroying everything in its way. Two men exited the vehicle, they bore the emblem of the royal city. Her mouth hung open a little, normals only came to the country of Golem's when they were taking the crops, never in the middle of the fields. The men slowly tramped to the back of the van and flung the door to the back open. One man reached inside and roughly tugged out, what appeared to be a young golem boy. He slumped down into the dirt as soon as the men released him. One muttered something angrily and wrenched the boy up by his hair, just into her range of view. She nearly gasped in surprise, He looked to be about her age, but he was so short, making him seem younger. His lip was bloody and swollen and a stained bandage was wrapped around his head. The other of the two men ripped the bandage off his head and threw it into the back of the van, a circle of short horns were exposed. They unceremoniously dropped him back into the dirt and turned and stepped into the van. She quickly averted her gaze from the boy and stooped back down to work. A few moments later she was distracted yet again, the boy was attempting to pick himself off the ground, but his arms were shaking so badly he only managed to get a few inches off the ground before collapsing. She could stand it no longer, "Damn it. If some one sees you like that you're going to be whipped for sure. Why do I have to help the new guy?" She yelled, swearing to herself. She carefully walked through the rows of plants, careful not to trod on them. When she reached him she bent down and grabbed his arm. "Get up already," she said angrily. The golem boy made no movements. She rolled her eyes and grabbed his ear and yanked. He yelped and then scrambled up and looked around wildly, resembling a frightened animal. She rolled her eyes once again and muttered a poor apology, "Sorry couldn' get y'up. Anyways, what's your name?" He said nothing, she shrugged. "Whatever, my name is Angry. Angriest Golem is the full name, but just call me Angry. Come on, follow me, you've got to start working," she said to him. She began to walk forward and she glanced back behind her in time to see him take a few steps and then stumble back down to his knees. She quickly rushed back and hauled him up. "Geez, what'd you do to make them do this to you? Whatever, just lean on me. We'll be done with work in about an hour, so just keep yourself up 'till then," she said a bit more gently. She dumped him at the row of plants in front of the one she had been currently working on. She stooped back down to harvest the crops, when she shot up at the sound of a cracking noise. She stood up quickly and glanced around. Her gaze narrowed on the new boy. "Th-the fuck kid? You're breaking the Yonga plants!" she said dancing angrily. "Y'wanna get us all whipped, you can't break them!" She said frantically now, but her warning came to late. One of the Golem masters was already stomping in their direction. "Oh, kid, I can't help you now," She said and averted her gaze and rapidly went back to harvesting. She felt a sharp prod on her back, "State your name, golem." said a harsh voice from behind her. "A-Angry, Sir. Angriest Golem," she answered quickly in a panicked voice. "Who is that golem in front of you?" said the voice. "I don't k-know, sir." she answered. She stared blankly at the ground ignoring the feet that stomped around her and made their way to the new golem boy. "State your name." said the voice. She looked up and felt the hair on her neck prickle. She had been mistaken, it wasn't just any Golem master. It was the Captain of this division of the Golem country. Only silence answered his question. The voice of the captain came once again, this time slightly agitated. "Don't make me repeat myself, boy! What is your name?" Silence once again answered him. She was slightly dismayed as a cold laugh escaped from the captain. "You better learn how to speak soon," he said and grabbed the golem boy by his arm. "You were breaking the crops. That, is punishment equal to 40 lashes, but we ought to do something special since I haven't seen you before," he said flatly, and dragged him away. The horns rang out, symbolizing the end of the day's work. Angry picked herself up and ran, she ran away from that place, from that boy. ~ Tin plates banged against tables creating loud noises that filled the air. There were shouts as the food was brought out. Angry dashed through the running crowds and knocked away those in her way with her long horns. She jumped into the fray of kicking, punching, clawing, scratching, and screaming golems as they all fought for what small portions of food they could get. If you didn't fight, you didn't get food, it was simple. The weak died and only the strongest of the golems lived. That was just the way things were. Angry quickly gobbled down a bit of her food and grabbed the rest in her hands. She dashed out of the mess hall to the line of wooden shacks. She threw open the door to the shack labeled number thirty-two. She set the food she had on the table and coughed out, "Hi granmomma," An old Golem woman sat in the corner on a stack of hay, her face was wrinkled and her hair was white like the winter's snow. "You need to stop getting food for me, you're only delaying my time," the old woman said slowly. Angry let out a small laugh, "I can't let you die grandma, you've all I got right now, so quit saying such things." Whatever the old woman was going to say was interrupted by a horn blast. Angry frowned, the calls after dinner only meant a whipping was going to happen. She grew pale, that boy. They were going to whip him in his condition. She flushed and then flew out the door, sprinting to the whipping post. Sure enough he was there, his hands already tied above his head. She pushed her way to the front, his eyes met hers, he was fully conscious now. She pursed her lips and felt somewhat guilty, she didn't think that she would need to show him how to harvest the crops. She averted her gaze, she didn't want to watch. Then the whipping began, the captain slowly walked in front cracking the whip in his hand. "Tell me your name and I'll stop," said the captain, a cold smile upon his face. Crack! The first strike. Crack! The second. Crack! The fifth. Crack! The twentieth. Again and again, the count now reaching fifty. "S-stop! I know his name! I know it!" She yelled, not believing what was coming out of her mouth. Why was she trying to save this boy, she didn't know him. All thoughts were disrupted as she felt a sharp sting upon her shoulder. Bewildered she looked down. She had been hit? "Shut up, bitch! I didn't ask you for his name, I want him to tell me!" Yelled the captain, the agitation obviously displayed on his face. He raised the whip again and was about to strike when a single voice rang out, "Stop!" It came from the boy, surprise flickered across the captain's face, but it was quickly replaced with pure rage. "His name, his name is Noble! Noblest Golem!" Angry yelled, and so he had been called Noble since that day, but he didn't speak again, but why?
Uh this is kind of the rough draft of chapter 1, may change soon. I will have Makky look over it, but if you can spot any mistakes please tell me. I caught myself using the wrong homophones a lot, so if you spot any. Thank you! :3 I feel like there might have been a lack of detail in this chapter, but whatever. Also uh it goes to a flash back if you're confused... Y'know when the first ~ mark comes in. I use those a lot, don't even know what they should be properly used for. Chapter 2 - Spoiler:
After the masters had cut the bonds which held his hands high above his head, Noble had simply slumped down into an unconscious heap. Angry watched from behind a bush, she didn't dare help him until everyone was gone, unfortunately that was several hours as part of the punishment was to lie where you had fallen, and the Masters refused to leave. As soon as she had the chance and was sure that everyone was out of range, Angry sprinted through the clearing, she went straight for Noble's body. She grabbed his arm expecting to have to haul him up and drag him, but he was surprisingly light. She sighed to herself and draped him over her shoulder, careful not to touch the area where his skin puffed up crimson and angry. She couldn't be seen with him, so she dashed straight into the woods behind her. There was only one place she knew of that he would be safe, but it was high on a plateau whose boundaries formed a medium sized canyon. There was a path that led up to the top, but it cut straight through the village. She scrambled through the layers of underbrush, freezing every time a dead leaf crackled underneath her feet. Slowly she made her way in a large crescent shape around the village. When she judged that she was a safe distance from the last line of shacks she ran to the path that would lead up to shack number eighty-seven, the only place she could deem safe. She ran up the path as fast as she dared, her feet clopped underneath her as she hit the rough stones. She rounded the turn and saw the place she was headed, but she was abashed. The shack was mostly ruined. The shingles were tossed all over from past storms, and most of the wooden boards that made up the walls were gone, or broken. She became even more worried as she saw the inside was littered with stones. She trudged back outside and spotted the best place she could find to drop Noble. It was a medium sized rock, worn smooth from the weather and surrounded by soft grass. She dropped him on his stomach as gently as she could, his angry back facing the night sky. "Wait here.. you'll be fine, Pretty can help. Yes, I'll go get Pretty," said Angry, talking more to herself then Noble. She left him where he was and ran to the side of the plateau, she sprinted and dashed off the edge, landing on her feet like a cat. The hard pads on her feet made it easy for her to land, she had never been hurt from jumping off of high places before. She dashed down the center of the canyon until it exited onto the path that led back into the village. She headed straight to shack number forty-three, then she banged furiously on the door. A few moments later it opened, and Angry was staring face to face with a female golem. The girl had deep black hair, but her skin was extremely pale. Two of her eyes were green as the grass, but the third eye which sat straight in the middle of her forehead changed colors with every blink. "What is it, Angry?" the girl asked. "You know that boy that got whipped earlier, the one that wouldn't talk, right?" asked Angry. The girl's middle eye blinked and changed to a shiny amber color. "You have to help him, Pretty," Angry said urgently. The girl shrugged and went back into her shack, a few moments later she returned with a pouch whose contents clinked as she walked. "Always for you, Angry. Lead me to him," the girl said with a gentle smile. They headed back to shack eighty-seven , when they arrive Noble looked up slowly, sweat ran down his forehead and glistened on his back. With one hand he clenched the rock next to him, the other was balled into a fist. "Oi, Noble. This is Pretty, Prettiest Golem. She'll fix you up in no time," said Angry, laughing nervously. Pretty's eyes widened when she saw Noble's face, but she shook her head like it was some mistake, and went to work. She placed her pouch on the ground beside Noble and began to empty it out. There were odd looking plants and berries that she had wrapped into large leaves. "Go find a stick, a large stone, and some moss if there is any, Angry," instructed Pretty, her eyes not leaving the herbs that she was gathering into a pile. After Angry had returned, Pretty began to hum to herself as she mashed the herbs on the stone. "Bite," said Pretty as she shoved the stick into Noble's mouth, not giving him a choice. "Hold his hand, Angry," she added. "Eh?" said Angry already flushing. Pretty rolled her eyes, "He'll break the stick and start yelling his head off if you don't, and I can't be caught, will be executed f'sure if they find out I've been taking these," she said gesturing towards her pouch. Hesitantly, Angry grabbed on to his hand, but it lay limply. "This is gonna' hurt a lot, kid," said Pretty flatly. She dumped the mashed up herbs onto his back, and almost immediately there was a dull cracking of the stick, and his knuckles turned white from gripping Angry's hand. His eyes were squeezed shut and he moaned lowly. "Will be over in a sec', kid," said Pretty, and she reached over and patted the top of his head. She told the truth, after a few minutes he passed out. "Geez Pretty, sometimes I wonder if you actually know what you're doin'," said Angry letting go of Noble's hand. Pretty's third eye simply blinked and changed to a light blue, and she laid the moss over the herbs on his back.
I like to beat up Noble. >: ) I don't think he'll be in too much pain in the next chapters though. I'll move on to Angry, bwahahaha.
Last edited by S on Sun Jan 29, 2012 8:38 pm; edited 6 times in total | |
| | | alex Moderator
Posts : 23507 Join date : 2010-08-10 Age : 24 Location : google maps
| Subject: Re: Untitled Story Sat Jan 28, 2012 11:13 pm | |
| I love this. The way you write is just amazing. I'd like to see more. : D | |
| | | Mila Expert Fantagian
Posts : 2017 Join date : 2011-09-01
| Subject: Re: Untitled Story Sun Jan 29, 2012 12:03 am | |
| so beautiful i love it.Very good ll applauses ll | |
| | | o Veteran Fantagian
Posts : 4270 Join date : 2011-11-11 Age : 23
| Subject: Re: Untitled Story Sun Jan 29, 2012 1:25 am | |
| @s, this mark: ~, I believe, is the about symbol for rounding. You can use it in your rough draft writing, but it's actually for math, lol. ex:
56=~60 (meaning about sixty)
But yeah, everybody uses it for anything but math.
Anyways, great writing! It's very descriptive and detailed. | |
| | | Winnowill Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1929 Join date : 2011-10-28
| Subject: Re: Untitled Story Sun Jan 29, 2012 8:08 am | |
| I really love both the concept of this story and the way you wrote it. You have an amazing amount of talent for writing. I'd actually like to see this as a novel. c: | |
| | | S Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1417 Join date : 2010-02-06 Age : 19 Location : sad town
| Subject: Re: Untitled Story Sun Jan 29, 2012 4:15 pm | |
| Thanks you guys, ;o Chapter 2 released. Unfortunately this will be the last chapter that I get to beat up Noble for a while. -sigh- | |
| | | Makkine Moderator
Posts : 2772 Join date : 2010-05-17 Age : 26 Location : Woah
| Subject: Re: Untitled Story Sun Jan 29, 2012 7:20 pm | |
| - Spoiler:
- S wrote:
Chapter 1
[spoiler]She rushed passed the wooden shacks that made up the village of Golems Usually, if you are using a plural, it is not a proper noun and shouldn't be capitalised. Red dirt spouted from her feet This makes it sound as though her feet literally had red dirt inside them and it came from inside her feet. How about "her feet kicked up red dirt" as they hit the ground and she trampled the few weeds that grew in the village. The sun would soon rise and what little time she had to meet with him would soon be gone, since they would appear. The masters of the golems. They would blow upon the loud horns that summoned all of the golems to the fields to work. After all, they were slaves Show don't tell! You usually don't think about every detail of your society when you're running to meet someone. "The ugliness that are the golems has no right to exist with the citizens of the royal city. They are mutated, gross, they would disease all of us who are normal, just scum! This sounds wayy too informal for a royal decree! "mutated, gross" sound subjective. Exclamation marks are rare in formal writing. Normalcy is not reason enough to enslave others! " The previous humans who had existed on this earth had left it polluted and infertile. Children were born with mutations, horns, multiple eyes, strange limbs, and joints that bent backwards like the beasts Pleaseeee don't infodump like this in the future. The few children that were born with out the mutations caused by the pollution were quickly taken from their parents and rushed to the royal city. They would be raised with no knowledge of who their real parents were, they would be twisted by the royal king's cruel words and beliefs If she has been born and raised in a society that worships these people and a society who is too afraid of the king to insult him, why would she be having these thoughts?! Also, you are including too much information, and making it clear that you are writing. We are not involved in the world, we don't care for its citizens. Her train of thought was interrupted when she tripped over a rock and landed flat on her chest, her rump sticking into the air. Frowning, she picked herself up and attempted to brush the red dust off her shirt. She continued her rushed pace and quickly turned the corner and came upon a rough path of stone You had great sentence fluency, what happened? Add commas, semi-colons, shorten sentences, vary the lengths, sound exited and not bored. Her feet made odd noises This doesn't give me any mental image. Describe the "odd noises" as the stone brushed against the hard pads of her feet. She had been born with horned pads on her feet and two horns that grew off her head. She resembled a ram. Her toes had small little spikes in the bottoms, so she was a natural climber. Of course the feet part is important information for this paragraph, ut the rest is useless exposition. Take it out or find a way to introduce it with more grace. She ducked to the right and ran off the path and slid down the slope into a deep canyon And, and, and. Repetition should be used efficiently!. She hitched up her skirt and began to climb the canyon wall facing to the east. Small rocks tumbled down to the earthen floor below as her feet dug into the wall and harshly released it, causing the rocks to knock down The last part of this sentence is repetitive. Take it out. She grabbed the top of the cliff and used a weed to haul herself up. She continued to run until she came to a tiny wooden shack. It was completely isolated by treesWhat does this mean? The trees had caused it's isolation? and wasn't much to look at. Many of the boards were missing, and the once shingled roof didn't fulfill its purpose "fulfill its purpose" sounds REALLY awkward as a roof since more than half of the shingles were missing. A few yards away a boy was sitting on a rock, he was staring blankly to the north, hardly moving. His hair was dark brown and curled slightly, his bangs fell just below his eyebrows. On the top of his head was a set of horns which oddly grew in a circle, and strongly resembled a crown. He was short, at least compared to all the other golems, and he lacked the usual pointed features that most golem's had.
This is probably personal preference, but I think you have too many ideas in a single paragraph. When in doubt, split it up. Also, you have some rather odd constructions with your punctuation. Remember how commas are used! In a few cases, they shouldn't be there, or there should be a semi-colon instead. Or even a period! Pleaseeee go over a grammar book and look up clauses, since you don't really seem to know how they work?
"Oi! Oi! Noble! I'm here!" She yelled, ending her call with a deep chortling laugh. The boy glanced up and then moved his gaze back to the north. She smiled and picked her way towards his rock. "You're always staring to the north aren't you? I'll always wonder why..." she said, but the boy doesn't respond. He is silent, always silent. Good, good, I can see some characterisation here.
"It will be winter soon, Noble, they'll work us hard to harvest all that we can. None of it for ourselves, 'course," She said, and then she let out a small sigh and continued, "I think Gramma is going to pass with the turn of the season, she's getting too old. She can't fight for the food like the rest, her portions are slowly getting smaller since that's all she can get. I try to get more.. but it's just..." She stopped there and buried her face into her hands, and slowly rocked back and forth. Please keep the spacing between paragraphs consistent! I usually use two returns, but yo0u can do whatever you want.
"I don't know what to do, Noble. I can only sneak what I can for Pretty, but I can't get enough for both of them anymore." She said as she rubbed her fist against her nose and looked up to the sky. Noble turned towards her and looked, his eyes were troubled and his eyebrows were pushed close together as he frowned, but he said nothing. He had never spoken since the day he had arrived. Hmnn, if he doesn't speak, why are they so close? Why is she saying all of this to him? I'll probably find out later, disregard this. I'll be stopping here for today, but I promise to continuously edit my post. Good start overall, I can see you are working on the characterisations. Just a bit of an infodump at the beginning. Remember, the introduction is an introduction, and it can be as vague as you want. The introduction is not, however, a lecture! | |
| | | S Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1417 Join date : 2010-02-06 Age : 19 Location : sad town
| Subject: Re: Untitled Story Sun Jan 29, 2012 7:32 pm | |
| Thank you thank you, Makky~ We've been going over commas and that jazz in class, so I have been over thinking just about every sentence, as you can see its really affecting my writing. Anyways thank you for the critique my lovely editor~ | |
| | | dearheart1 Senior Fantagian
Posts : 472 Join date : 2011-04-01 Age : 25 Location : ALABAMA | Tornado Land :D |
| Subject: Re: Untitled Story Sun Jan 29, 2012 7:36 pm | |
| - S wrote:
- Thank you thank you, Makky~ We've been going over commas and that jazz in class, so I have been over thinking just about every sentence, as you can see its really affecting my writing. Anyways thank you for the critique my lovely editor~
It's Makki... xP But good job on the story, and same for explaining to Makki. | |
| | | S Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1417 Join date : 2010-02-06 Age : 19 Location : sad town
| Subject: Re: Untitled Story Sun Jan 29, 2012 8:42 pm | |
| It's Makky for me Dear, you're about 2 years too late. :p ~~~
Anyways, I believe I will start writing on Google Docs because forumotion isn't saving all the changes I make, and doesn't like when to have multiple breaks. It is also just way easier to edit on Google Docs. Aha. When the next chapter is out I'll post the link to view the document. | |
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