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 Fantage story I made (NOT TRUE)

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elise
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PostSubject: Fantage story I made (NOT TRUE)   Sun Feb 19, 2012 9:42 am

Proligue

Once Upon a time, there was a world called Fantage, as soon as it started, not many people were there, but a tiny girl who had a teal shirt was there. Her name was Ami.


Chapter 1.

Ami was just exploring to the forest when she saw another boy! Ami decided to say hello, but she was a very shy girl. Ami tried to hide, but the boy came to her instead and said hello. Ami tried to speak, but it sounded like: Heliiii. The boy asked if she was okay and Ami said: "Yes, im just very shy, I'm Ami, whats your name?" "Jake." the boy replied. Jake asked if she wanted to go to Li shop. But he didn't get to say Li Shop, a litte girl had popped up! "Hi Brother! I collect lOO stars today! Wait who is this...?"


Last edited by Elise_wubz_chu_teddy :D on Sun Feb 19, 2012 9:43 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : typo)
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Flynn
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PostSubject: Re: Fantage story I made (NOT TRUE)   Sun Feb 19, 2012 10:24 am


It's good. Now please explain:

. Hoverboards and Fantage's gravity.
. Why Fantage people's heads are almost as big as their bodies.
. Why it is impossible to sit down on Fantage.
. What IDfones are for.
. Why they use stars for currency.
That would make a good story about a bad website.
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PostSubject: Re: Fantage story I made (NOT TRUE)   Sun Feb 19, 2012 11:30 am

What are stars for? What is Li Shop? That's what I'm thinking when I read this. Don't confuse your reader.
"Jake asked if she wanted to go to Li shop. But he didn't get to say Li Shop, a litte girl had popped up!" This part I don't get.
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Melissa H.
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PostSubject: Re: Fantage story I made (NOT TRUE)   Sun Feb 19, 2012 11:34 am

Mr.Taost wrote:
What are stars for? What is Li Shop? That's what I'm thinking when I read this. Don't confuse your reader.

same i didnt understand the last few sentenses @ all
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Nobue
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PostSubject: Re: Fantage story I made (NOT TRUE)   Sun Feb 19, 2012 3:17 pm

wow! I really like it so far just use proper grammar please!
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Jimmy Fantage
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PostSubject: Re: Fantage story I made (NOT TRUE)   Tue Feb 28, 2012 7:54 am

Yuffiecrystal wrote:

It's good. Now please explain:

. Hoverboards and Fantage's gravity.
. Why Fantage people's heads are almost as big as their bodies.
. Why it is impossible to sit down on Fantage.
. What IDfones are for.
. Why they use stars for currency.
That would make a good story about a bad website.
Lol!! Dude, why are you bashing Fantage all of a sudden? xD I think the style is supposed to be chibi-styled. Imagine that Fantage takes place up high in space I guess you could say. Fantagians aren't humans. xP
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Squirtle
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PostSubject: Re: Fantage story I made (NOT TRUE)   Tue Feb 28, 2012 8:14 am

I want to read more!
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Lemonade
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PostSubject: Re: Fantage story I made (NOT TRUE)   Tue Feb 28, 2012 8:21 am

kool
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Blue
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PostSubject: Re: Fantage story I made (NOT TRUE)   Tue Feb 28, 2012 8:26 am

'm extremely sorry, Elise, but Chapter one starts very abruptly. Why don't you start it with
-Once upon a time,
-One day,
-In Fantage, there lived...
It does sound very strange if you start it like, 'Ami was just exploring to the forest when she saw another boy!'.

And you also need to improve your grammar.
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o
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PostSubject: Re: Fantage story I made (NOT TRUE)   Tue Feb 28, 2012 9:47 pm

SpanishLover wrote:
Yuffiecrystal wrote:

It's good. Now please explain:

. Hoverboards and Fantage's gravity.
. Why Fantage people's heads are almost as big as their bodies.
. Why it is impossible to sit down on Fantage.
. What IDfones are for.
. Why they use stars for currency.
That would make a good story about a bad website.
Lol!! Dude, why are you bashing Fantage all of a sudden? xD I think the style is supposed to be chibi-styled. Imagine that Fantage takes place up high in space I guess you could say. Fantagians aren't humans. xP

She is not "bashing on Fantage". If somebody who knew nothing about Fantage whatsoever, they would not understand Elise's writing. Yuffiecrystal is only asking Elsie to give background information, which I think is a good suggestion for writing.

(But I don't understand the thing about heads being bigger than their bodies, not because of chibi, but because I don't recall Elise writing about that.)
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Jimmy Fantage
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PostSubject: Re: Fantage story I made (NOT TRUE)   Wed Feb 29, 2012 5:05 pm

hop wrote:
SpanishLover wrote:
Yuffiecrystal wrote:

It's good. Now please explain:

. Hoverboards and Fantage's gravity.
. Why Fantage people's heads are almost as big as their bodies.
. Why it is impossible to sit down on Fantage.
. What IDfones are for.
. Why they use stars for currency.
That would make a good story about a bad website.
Lol!! Dude, why are you bashing Fantage all of a sudden? xD I think the style is supposed to be chibi-styled. Imagine that Fantage takes place up high in space I guess you could say. Fantagians aren't humans. xP

She is not "bashing on Fantage". If somebody who knew nothing about Fantage whatsoever, they would not understand Elise's writing. Yuffiecrystal is only asking Elsie to give background information, which I think is a good suggestion for writing.

(But I don't understand the thing about heads being bigger than their bodies, not because of chibi, but because I don't recall Elise writing about that.)
Notice at the very end she called Fantage a "bad website." I think the ideas are great except for the sitting and having big heads. xD Gah, you people are so used to proffessional literature. idk how old the author is but she just assumes you know the site. It is a story written by a Fantagian for Fantagians...xD
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o
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PostSubject: Re: Fantage story I made (NOT TRUE)   Wed Feb 29, 2012 5:13 pm

SpanishLover wrote:
hop wrote:
SpanishLover wrote:
Yuffiecrystal wrote:

It's good. Now please explain:

. Hoverboards and Fantage's gravity.
. Why Fantage people's heads are almost as big as their bodies.
. Why it is impossible to sit down on Fantage.
. What IDfones are for.
. Why they use stars for currency.
That would make a good story about a bad website.
Lol!! Dude, why are you bashing Fantage all of a sudden? xD I think the style is supposed to be chibi-styled. Imagine that Fantage takes place up high in space I guess you could say. Fantagians aren't humans. xP

She is not "bashing on Fantage". If somebody who knew nothing about Fantage whatsoever, they would not understand Elise's writing. Yuffiecrystal is only asking Elsie to give background information, which I think is a good suggestion for writing.

(But I don't understand the thing about heads being bigger than their bodies, not because of chibi, but because I don't recall Elise writing about that.)
Notice at the very end she called Fantage a "bad website." I think the ideas are great except for the sitting and having big heads. xD Gah, you people are so used to proffessional literature. idk how old the author is but she just assumes you know the site. It is a story written by a Fantagian for Fantagians...xD

Oh the end. I didn't see that part. I supposed you were refering to her critique.
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PostSubject: Re: Fantage story I made (NOT TRUE)   Wed Feb 29, 2012 5:21 pm

-♥Aubrey♥- wrote:
'm extremely sorry, Elise, but Chapter one starts very abruptly. Why don't you start it with
-Once upon a time,
-One day,
-In Fantage, there lived...
It does sound very strange if you start it like, 'Ami was just exploring to the forest when she saw another boy!'.

And you also need to improve your grammar.
"Once upon a time" and "One day" both annoy me.
The third one makes me think "What is Fantage?" although I do agree that the beginning is confusing.
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Abstract
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PostSubject: Re: Fantage story I made (NOT TRUE)   Wed Feb 29, 2012 5:23 pm

Maybe try starting with:

There was once a girl named Ami who was traveling through the forest by herself. While walking, she passes by a boy.........

It may be long but maybe makes the grammar better?

The only problem I found in the first sentence is not really describing who is Ami or saying "another boy", since that should be the first boy mentioned in the story. (Unless you mention sooner or later who's met a boy already.)
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Jimmy Fantage
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PostSubject: Re: Fantage story I made (NOT TRUE)   Wed Feb 29, 2012 5:53 pm

I hope she sees this because you guys are providing helpful critiques! "Amanita" these people are helping you not hating your work. I think they would like it if you were to continue the story and revise it the best you can. Smile
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alex
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PostSubject: Re: Fantage story I made (NOT TRUE)   Wed Feb 29, 2012 8:18 pm

-♥Aubrey♥- wrote:
'm extremely sorry, Elise, but Chapter one starts very abruptly. Why don't you start it with
-Once upon a time,
-One day,
-In Fantage, there lived...
It does sound very strange if you start it like, 'Ami was just exploring to the forest when she saw another boy!'.

And you also need to improve your grammar.
those are the absolute worst ways to start a story

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tumblr / 내 호버크라프트는 장어로 가득 차 있어요. ㅡㅅㅡ
thank u elliot for the pic of me n my gf♥
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Abstract
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PostSubject: Re: Fantage story I made (NOT TRUE)   Wed Feb 29, 2012 8:58 pm

-♥Aubrey♥- wrote:
'm extremely sorry, Elise, but Chapter one starts very abruptly. Why don't you start it with
-Once upon a time,
-One day,
-In Fantage, there lived...
It does sound very strange if you start it like, 'Ami was just exploring to the forest when she saw another boy!'.

And you also need to improve your grammar.

Eh, these seem veryy over used.... they'd be good if they were original?

BTW: And I found some tips online for your story.

Well first, /always/ plan before you make it. Do you know what are all the characters, and who are the /main/ ones? What are the setting places? What would you if you were Ani being shy to go to the boy?

Also, start the story fresh. Don't go straight to the story like you kind of did. Start out something that will catch the reader's attention:

1. It was a sunny, yet windy day around (the forest). A certain Fantagian, (description), takes a stroll down the forest.

2. Ani walking calmly down the forest spots a stranger; a boy. She turns to his direction and starts walking. Stops, and turns back, not knowing what to say.

I would start describing the setting the most though. So it can show if this /may/ be a happy story, sad story. Maybe express the characters, show what kind of shy she is in. Like, shy can be anything. Example:

WRONG: Fuppy was a brave soldier. (Brave can mean squeeshing a bug brace)
Right: Fuppy, killing about 70 warriors in just one day! He isn't afraid of anything that comes to injure him. What a brave man he is!

See what I'm saying? I know you are on your first chapter, but (for maybe other stories) this may help. Razz

By the way, yeah you may need to fix a bit of grammar here and there. Maybe say better words (Maybe not for the dialogue or anything, but there are plenty of dictionaries for your wording needs.
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PostSubject: Re: Fantage story I made (NOT TRUE)   Today at 1:30 pm

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