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 Cleo and Ella A story

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Junior Fantagian


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PostSubject: Cleo and Ella A story   Sat Mar 24, 2012 6:55 pm










Ella

Cleo
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Flynn
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PostSubject: Re: Cleo and Ella A story   Sun Mar 25, 2012 8:14 am

Hrm, I don't know what to say other than that it is THE MOST typical story plot EVER.
I mean, it sort of goes like this:

"Once Upon a Time there was a mean ugly rich girl (who is a blonde) and a nice and superpretty poor girl (who is also a blonde) and the mean ugly rich girl is out to make the poor pretty girl feel like crap, but SUDDENLY something happens and everything turns out in the blonde poor princess's favour The End."

What does this sound like to you? Dork Diaries? Cinderella? About 8 million other books I'm forgetting?

I rate it 3/10.

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troller mcloller
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PostSubject: Re: Cleo and Ella A story   Sun Mar 25, 2012 8:18 am

u should have described more what happened

AKA make it longer
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Flynn
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PostSubject: Re: Cleo and Ella A story   Sun Mar 25, 2012 8:25 am

also there is no punctuation?
And what does it mean to "bume" someone?
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Usui
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PostSubject: Re: Cleo and Ella A story   Sun Mar 25, 2012 11:06 am

"As soon as Cleo turned away she stole $100"
I didn't get that part, is the she Ella? And you should have been more descriptive,
I hear these stories all the time with a mean girl and a nice girl,
Be more detailed next time, I would rate this 6.1/10
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Flynn
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PostSubject: Re: Cleo and Ella A story   Sun Mar 25, 2012 11:12 am

Would a "nice girl" really steal $100? That doesn't strike me as nice....
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o
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PostSubject: Re: Cleo and Ella A story   Sun Mar 25, 2012 1:28 pm

I strongly suggest you revise your work before posting it in public, like on the internet. For one, there is no punctuation whatsoever. A story has sentences. Sentences have punctuation. If I were to read this aloud, it would sound like a jumble of words, so please use commas, periods, question marks, etc. Keep in mind that sentences should be capitalized correctly, too.

There are also many misspelled words, and most of them are homophones. For example, the "too" in "too teach her a lesson" should be a to. Remember that there can be multiple words with the same sound. Also, "bumed" should be spelled bumped.

Now, I don't feel like this is a "story", because it's only around eight sentences long. A story should be far more than a paragraph. Explain the events in this paragraph. How did Ella steal $100 from Cleo without Cleo stopping her? Why did Cleo suddenly vanish forever? Why is Cleo so uptight that she bumps everyone else? Also, please explain this, because this is what I have the biggest problem with: Why should Ella attempt to teach Cleo to stop being mean by being mean (as in stealing)? That's very backwards, so please give more details so it could make sense.

Overall, I think you could use this as an idea for a story, but you shouldn't call it a story, seeing as it's very incomplete. I rate this 4.5/10. Keep practicing!
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Misty Life
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PostSubject: Re: Cleo and Ella A story   Sun Mar 25, 2012 2:32 pm

i rate it 5/10 because I think you did your best:)
Just so you know, every story has a problem and
a solution. Here is my version:



Once upon a time there were two
girls. One was named Cleo and
the other girl was named Ella.
Ella was beautiful and kind,
although she was very poor.
And in the other hand was
Cleo. She was very pretty
and beautiful, but she was
very rude, mean and rich.

Cleo was out for her daily
walk. She put her cutest
coat and her favorite shoes
on. Cleo was walking showing
off. She saw a poor girl. To
Cleo, the girl was very ugly.
She went by the girl and
bumped her (I think that's
what you meant)
surprisingly. " Um, Hello
miss my name is Ella may
I help you?" The girl was
really nice so she didn't
bother yelling. "Oh nothing,
I just like bumping poor
girls like you!" Said Cleo
as she put an evil grin on
her face.

Ella tried her best to ignore
Cleo but she just couldn't


To be continued.....


PS. Its just a longer version of
your story although I know
what you meant.

PSS. Wait, why am I saying PSS?


Last edited by Misty Life on Sun Mar 25, 2012 3:35 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Mistake)
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o
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PostSubject: Re: Cleo and Ella A story   Sun Mar 25, 2012 3:27 pm

Misty Life wrote:
"Oh nothing,
I just like bumping ugly poor
jerks like you!" Said Cleo
as she put an evil grin on
her face.
You might want remove the word "ugly", since the character Ella is a poor and pretty girl.
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ashsal833
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PostSubject: Re: Cleo and Ella A story   Sun Mar 25, 2012 3:31 pm

This is like Cinderella.
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Misty Life
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PostSubject: Re: Cleo and Ella A story   Sun Mar 25, 2012 3:34 pm

hop wrote:
Misty Life wrote:
"Oh nothing,
I just like bumping ugly poor
jerks like you!" Said Cleo
as she put an evil grin on
her face.
You might want remove the word "ugly", since the character Ella is a poor and pretty girl.



hmmm I'll remove it.
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Flynn
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PostSubject: Re: Cleo and Ella A story   Mon Mar 26, 2012 3:17 pm

ashsal833 wrote:
This is like Cinderella.

Agreed. The main character is even called Ella, like CinderELLA?
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rockinraspberry
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PostSubject: Re: Cleo and Ella A story   Mon Mar 26, 2012 3:18 pm

i like the story but i have to agree it is alot like cinderella
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Flynn
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PostSubject: Re: Cleo and Ella A story   Mon Mar 26, 2012 3:38 pm

Also, why the heck did Ella steal a fricking 100 bucks from Cleo just because she bumped into her on purpose? and she's supposed to be the nice girl!
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Relora
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PostSubject: Re: Cleo and Ella A story   Mon Mar 26, 2012 3:56 pm

she didn't ask for a rate or critique......



Anyway....

1. This probably was a short story, so it didn't really need to be longer
2. The 100 bucks stolen was a very nice twist on the cliche story line, people can do strange things when they are desperate.
3. I know you guys knew she meant bumped
4. Recreating her story might not have been the most polite thing, nor was reducing it in such a manner that it was nothing, when it was obvious it was her own version of the Cinderella story (it's been done before guys)
5. IT WAS MEANT TO BE LIKE CINDERELLA!


/rantovertimetobeflamed
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PostSubject: Re: Cleo and Ella A story   Today at 1:05 pm

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