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 (preview of a story... no title)

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ashley123
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PostSubject: (preview of a story... no title)   Thu Apr 19, 2012 8:03 pm

Umm.. So I just wrote a sorta preview of a story I've been working on and I wanted to share it with you guys. Smile

Preview: I love playing sports especially swimming. I've competed since i've been 8 years old. I got so many medals, and awards. Unfortunately, I discovered I have cancer.

Should I keep on writing for you guys??


Last edited by ashley123 on Fri Apr 20, 2012 8:06 pm; edited 1 time in total
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cupcakesrock
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PostSubject: Re: (preview of a story... no title)   Thu Apr 19, 2012 8:09 pm

Omg, your good at stories. I wanna hear more from you. Wink Keep It Up!
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alex
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PostSubject: Re: (preview of a story... no title)   Thu Apr 19, 2012 8:12 pm

Ehh, I've seen this story a lot, and, of course, the end result is always the same. Continue it if you would like to though, and there's a couple grammar mistakes.

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taptap489
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PostSubject: Re: (preview of a story... no title)   Thu Apr 19, 2012 8:12 pm

It's seems good but I don't think that you should repeat the I's too much. I think that it seems a little choppy I guess. Sorry, I'm just really picky when it comes to writing. Anyways, the plot seems great!
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Abstract
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PostSubject: Re: (preview of a story... no title)   Thu Apr 19, 2012 9:09 pm

I feel you should keep writing it. There are some literature mistakes here and there, but I'd want to read the rest.
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Crownie
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PostSubject: Re: (preview of a story... no title)   Thu Apr 19, 2012 10:03 pm

I like the concept. It's a great start. It has a nice conflict, but I suggest you do a little research about cancer, like the type, the effects, the pain and etc, if you're story is going to be based upon that conflict.
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summercub123
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PostSubject: Re: (preview of a story... no title)   Fri Apr 20, 2012 12:01 am

Loved it Very Happy. Keep on doing the good work :-)
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Usui
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PostSubject: Re: (preview of a story... no title)   Fri Apr 20, 2012 12:18 am

Nice preview, I'm looking forward to reading it soon.
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o
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PostSubject: Re: (preview of a story... no title)   Fri Apr 20, 2012 12:42 am

Well, this is a good storyline. However, I don't think this would work for a final draft, since it doesn't have many details. This would work great as an outline for your story, but you need more description, and as taptap said, try not to begin every sentence with the letter "I". In your final version, just make sure to describe what's important, like why the character loves swimming more than any sport, or how he/she got cancer.

Another thing you could do to make this story more lively and interesting is add more personality to the main character. Readers are more fascinated in characters that act unique than they are in characters that are just like the other characters in the story. Take Alice in Wonderland, for example; the way that she and the characters in Wonderland are so genuine and eccentric is what makes the story so enjoyable. In what you have so far, I can't pick out any unique qualities in the character that give her/him a unique personality, so try to do that in your final draft writing. (And give the main character a name! c;)

Overall, this looks like an excellent story, and I know you said that it's only a preview, but I just wanted to give you some tips for future reference. Good luck finishing the story! I can't wait to read it. Very Happy
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Pieee
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PostSubject: Re: (preview of a story... no title)   Fri Apr 20, 2012 1:43 am

It's good for a preview you should continue it I guess
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MsJoyMaeda
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PostSubject: Re: (preview of a story... no title)   Fri Apr 20, 2012 6:03 am

"Unfortunately, I discovered I have cancer."

I read that line about 10 times, and I'm tearing up. Now the memory of my grandma (gama) having cancer is coming back...

/sniff Well, this preview looks good, but it is REALLY SHORT.
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Relora
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PostSubject: Re: (preview of a story... no title)   Fri Apr 20, 2012 3:59 pm

It's good for a hook ^-^


Even if the story-line is a bit over-used you can always find things to change it up.

I suggest researching stuff about cancer stuff like...

~Believed causes
~Effects on the patient
~Treatments
~Different types
~Rates of death for the various types and for cancer in general
~How this effects the victims family

Preview: I love playing sports especially swimming. I've competed since I was 8 years old. I've earned so many medals and awards. Unfortunately, I discovered I have cancer.

Those were a few changes I made also instead of saying "... I discovered I have cancer." You could say something more like"Unfortunately, I've been diagnosed with cancer."

seeing as this isn't the actual story I won't say much else but I do like the idea and I hope your story can blossom ^-^
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Squirtle
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PostSubject: Re: (preview of a story... no title)   Fri Apr 20, 2012 4:04 pm

OMG make more!!!
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Geeky_Anime_Fangirl♥
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PostSubject: Re: (preview of a story... no title)   Fri Apr 20, 2012 4:09 pm

write more and i think ill read it yeah overused I's but i think its not extremely interesting because theres only 2 sentences... keep writing you have potential! bounce
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ashley123
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PostSubject: Re: (preview of a story... no title)   Fri Apr 20, 2012 8:05 pm

Thanks for the tips guys. Smile
I wrote that preview in a rush. I will be posting the start of the story really soon! (In a new topic though)
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Geeky_Anime_Fangirl♥
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PostSubject: Re: (preview of a story... no title)   Fri Apr 20, 2012 8:06 pm

Coolxgoood job
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