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 Storyy.. no title yet ;]

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ashley123
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PostSubject: Storyy.. no title yet ;]   Fri Apr 20, 2012 8:41 pm

So I'm not sure if I'll be putting this in chapters..

Part 1:
Spoiler:
 

Part 2:
Spoiler:
 


Hopefully you enjoy it so far. Yes its kinda short, i'll be adding more later.

I edited part 1 a lot so please read it again.


Last edited by ashley123 on Wed Apr 25, 2012 6:00 pm; edited 4 times in total
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MsJoyMaeda
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PostSubject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;]   Fri Apr 20, 2012 8:49 pm

I am confused...

First off, you were in second-person POV (saying you and your) then you just switched to first-person POV (saying I and me).

You should just use third-person POV. That way, people won't be confused (like I am).



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Crownie
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PostSubject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;]   Fri Apr 20, 2012 10:17 pm

Why are you switching point of view? Never use "you" unless it is in a dialogue or you're writing a manual or something. Same with verb tense. You either use all past tense or all present tense. Fix these two crucial errors and the story will be less confusing to understand.
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Usui
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PostSubject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;]   Fri Apr 20, 2012 10:42 pm

I'm a bit confused, but I like it so far.
Maybe try editing the story, so some people here won't get confused. :3
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Geeky_Anime_Fangirl♥
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PostSubject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;]   Sat Apr 21, 2012 10:04 am

candyfan4ever wrote:
I am confused...

First off, you were in second-person POV (saying you and your) then you just switched to first-person POV (saying I and me).

You should just use third-person POV. That way, people won't be confused (like I am).




Yeah... youre is really confusing me.... then you switched and..... Just use I and me ... other than that 2 thumbs uP!!!!!
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ashley123
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PostSubject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;]   Sat Apr 21, 2012 3:12 pm

Sorry about the confusion guys. I edited it a bit.
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Geeky_Anime_Fangirl♥
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PostSubject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;]   Sat Apr 21, 2012 3:14 pm

cool no more yours.. except for your coach? theres 2 sentances that say your coach... then it goes back to i...
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Golden-Star
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PostSubject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;]   Sat Apr 21, 2012 3:27 pm

Its cool but if its a story about you dont say "You're coach" becuz its not mines. And its practicing
My heart beating faster than ever. No no no.

Ex:
My heart was beating faster than ever. Unless u were going to say, "My heart beating faster than ever, the moment I’ve been waiting for finally arrived.

Also say "Coach looked at my time." Than she. No pronouns before placing a persons name. And i thought it was a she?

Many many errors missy.
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summercub123
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PostSubject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;]   Sat Apr 21, 2012 5:53 pm

confused confused confused
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Crownie
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PostSubject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;]   Sat Apr 21, 2012 6:34 pm

It's a good progress but still some errors that bug me are the "your's" you forgot to change and the tenses. If you don't get what I mean, here's an example:

ashley123 wrote:
I swim as fast as I can go. I hear the tremendous crowd screaming my name.
Here you were writing in present tense, meaning she was doing that now.

ashley123 wrote:
The judge blew the whistle. She looked at my time.
Now here you were writing in past tense, meaning the judge did that in the past.

There's no such thing as time traveling in the real world, so don't include it in your writing!
Either ALL past tense or ALL present tense. It's easier to write a narrative in the past tense though.
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ashley123
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PostSubject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;]   Sun Apr 22, 2012 1:59 pm

I have many errors and stuff, and i also didnt like how i wrote the first part so i edited it a lot. Please read the better part 1:
part 1:
 


Last edited by ashley123 on Sun Apr 22, 2012 2:05 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Golden-Star
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PostSubject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;]   Sun Apr 22, 2012 2:00 pm

ashley123 wrote:
I have many errors and stuff, and i also didnt like how i wrote the first part so i edited it a lot. Please read the better part 1:
part 1:
 

MUCH more better.
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Abstract
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PostSubject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;]   Sun Apr 22, 2012 2:16 pm

I didn't read it before, but I can tell you made a lot of improvements.

Only thing that bothers me are all the I(s). I know it's about "that person", but you can also use myself, me, my, etc. But I think it's pretty good so far.
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ashley123
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PostSubject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;]   Wed Apr 25, 2012 6:01 pm

Part 2 is up!
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Golden-Star
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PostSubject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;]   Wed Apr 25, 2012 6:05 pm

Its good but confusing. Are u telling a story about u or me?
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Abstract
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PostSubject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;]   Wed Apr 25, 2012 7:45 pm

You are doing the you's again. I'd be glad to know if this was about the audience though. xD

Anyway, the second part is okay, just work on the grammar and descriptive parts. C: What also kind of confused me was that at some point the conversation kept going, you didn't put a ".
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PostSubject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;]   Today at 6:52 am

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