| Storyy.. no title yet ;] | |
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+4Usui Crownie MsJoyMaeda ashley123 8 posters |
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ashley123 Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1934 Join date : 2010-01-27 Age : 111
| Subject: Storyy.. no title yet ;] Fri Apr 20, 2012 8:41 pm | |
| So I'm not sure if I'll be putting this in chapters.. Part 1: - Spoiler:
Here I am, laying in the hospital bed, recalling all the best moments in my life. I remember my first swimming challenge. I was very nervous and a bit scared. Everyone was counting on me. I remember when the coach called out my name when I got the 1st prize medal. Ever since that day my goal was to go to the Olympics. My parents always believed that I will achieve my goal, someday. I also remember how I got injured. I was walking into the change rooms and I slipped. I was crying, but I was laughing too. I couldn't swim for 2 weeks since I sprained my ankle. I was really upset because I missed my 7th swimming competition.
Part 2: - Spoiler:
As I was writing in my journal, my mom comes. “J-Jen-Jenna.” Your mom says. “Yeah mom? What’s up?” you reply. “Sweetie, I don’t know how to tell you this. I don’t even know how you’re going to react when I tell you. Y-y-you have… cancer.” A tear runs down her face as she says cancer. “Mom, I knew that all along. Ever since I’ve came here 2 weeks ago, I was almost positive I had cancer. Mom, I’m also almost positive that the doctors will find a cure for me. ” you whispered. “Yes Jenna, I agree with you a 100%. While you two were talking the doctor comes in to see how you're doing.“Jenna, I know you must be scared, cancer is a very scary thing.” The doctor says. “I’m not scared. You reply. “Well, than you are a very brave girl.” the doctor smiles at you. “I have some other news to tell you Jenna. I don’t know how you’re goanna take it.”
Hopefully you enjoy it so far. Yes its kinda short, i'll be adding more later. I edited part 1 a lot so please read it again.
Last edited by ashley123 on Wed Apr 25, 2012 6:00 pm; edited 4 times in total | |
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MsJoyMaeda Hero Fantagian
Posts : 5830 Join date : 2010-12-13 Age : 24
| Subject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;] Fri Apr 20, 2012 8:49 pm | |
| I am confused...
First off, you were in second-person POV (saying you and your) then you just switched to first-person POV (saying I and me).
You should just use third-person POV. That way, people won't be confused (like I am).
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Crownie Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1010 Join date : 2011-09-11 Age : 28 Location : In the center of the sun.
| Subject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;] Fri Apr 20, 2012 10:17 pm | |
| Why are you switching point of view? Never use "you" unless it is in a dialogue or you're writing a manual or something. Same with verb tense. You either use all past tense or all present tense. Fix these two crucial errors and the story will be less confusing to understand. | |
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Usui Hero Fantagian
Posts : 5275 Join date : 2011-09-09 Age : 24 Location : Worldbuscus
| Subject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;] Fri Apr 20, 2012 10:42 pm | |
| I'm a bit confused, but I like it so far. Maybe try editing the story, so some people here won't get confused. :3 | |
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Geeky_Anime_Fangirl♥ Senior Fantagian
Posts : 397 Join date : 2012-04-11 Age : 24 Location : Behind yew
| Subject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;] Sat Apr 21, 2012 10:04 am | |
| - candyfan4ever wrote:
- I am confused...
First off, you were in second-person POV (saying you and your) then you just switched to first-person POV (saying I and me).
You should just use third-person POV. That way, people won't be confused (like I am).
Yeah... youre is really confusing me.... then you switched and..... Just use I and me ... other than that 2 thumbs uP!!!!! | |
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ashley123 Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1934 Join date : 2010-01-27 Age : 111
| Subject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;] Sat Apr 21, 2012 3:12 pm | |
| Sorry about the confusion guys. I edited it a bit. | |
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Geeky_Anime_Fangirl♥ Senior Fantagian
Posts : 397 Join date : 2012-04-11 Age : 24 Location : Behind yew
| Subject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;] Sat Apr 21, 2012 3:14 pm | |
| cool no more yours.. except for your coach? theres 2 sentances that say your coach... then it goes back to i... | |
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Golden-Star Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1818 Join date : 2012-01-13 Age : 111 Location : My Candy Love Academy
| Subject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;] Sat Apr 21, 2012 3:27 pm | |
| Its cool but if its a story about you dont say "You're coach" becuz its not mines. And its practicing My heart beating faster than ever. No no no.
Ex: My heart was beating faster than ever. Unless u were going to say, "My heart beating faster than ever, the moment I’ve been waiting for finally arrived.
Also say "Coach looked at my time." Than she. No pronouns before placing a persons name. And i thought it was a she?
Many many errors missy. | |
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summercub123 Regular Fantagian
Posts : 169 Join date : 2012-01-07 Age : 21 Location : The Land Of Video Games DUN DUN DUN...
| Subject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;] Sat Apr 21, 2012 5:53 pm | |
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Crownie Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1010 Join date : 2011-09-11 Age : 28 Location : In the center of the sun.
| Subject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;] Sat Apr 21, 2012 6:34 pm | |
| It's a good progress but still some errors that bug me are the "your's" you forgot to change and the tenses. If you don't get what I mean, here's an example: - ashley123 wrote:
- I swim as fast as I can go. I hear the tremendous crowd screaming my name.
Here you were writing in present tense, meaning she was doing that now. - ashley123 wrote:
- The judge blew the whistle. She looked at my time.
Now here you were writing in past tense, meaning the judge did that in the past. There's no such thing as time traveling in the real world, so don't include it in your writing! Either ALL past tense or ALL present tense. It's easier to write a narrative in the past tense though. | |
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ashley123 Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1934 Join date : 2010-01-27 Age : 111
| Subject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;] Sun Apr 22, 2012 1:59 pm | |
| I have many errors and stuff, and i also didnt like how i wrote the first part so i edited it a lot. Please read the better part 1: - part 1:
Here I am, laying in the hospital bed, recalling all the best moments in my life. I remember my first swimming challenge. I was very nervous and a bit scared. Everyone was counting on me. I remember when the coach called out my name when I got the 1st prize medal. Ever since that day my goal was to go to the Olympics. My parents always believed that I will achieve my goal, someday. I also remember how I got injured. I was walking into the change rooms and I slipped. I was crying, but I was laughing too. I couldn't swim for 2 weeks since I sprained my ankle. I was really upset because I missed my 7th swimming competition.
Last edited by ashley123 on Sun Apr 22, 2012 2:05 pm; edited 1 time in total | |
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Golden-Star Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1818 Join date : 2012-01-13 Age : 111 Location : My Candy Love Academy
| Subject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;] Sun Apr 22, 2012 2:00 pm | |
| - ashley123 wrote:
- I have many errors and stuff, and i also didnt like how i wrote the first part so i edited it a lot. Please read the better part 1:
- part 1:
Here I am, laying in the hospital bed, recalling all the best moments in my life. I remember my first swimming challenge. I was very nervous and a bit scared. Everyone was counting on me. I remember when the coach called out my name when I got the 1st prize medal. Ever since that day my goal was to go to the Olympics. My parents always believed that I will achieve my goal, someday.
MUCH more better. | |
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Abstract Veteran Fantagian
Posts : 4563 Join date : 2010-07-14 Age : 23 Location : (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ Somewhere flipping tables
| Subject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;] Sun Apr 22, 2012 2:16 pm | |
| I didn't read it before, but I can tell you made a lot of improvements.
Only thing that bothers me are all the I(s). I know it's about "that person", but you can also use myself, me, my, etc. But I think it's pretty good so far. | |
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ashley123 Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1934 Join date : 2010-01-27 Age : 111
| Subject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;] Wed Apr 25, 2012 6:01 pm | |
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Golden-Star Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1818 Join date : 2012-01-13 Age : 111 Location : My Candy Love Academy
| Subject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;] Wed Apr 25, 2012 6:05 pm | |
| Its good but confusing. Are u telling a story about u or me? | |
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Abstract Veteran Fantagian
Posts : 4563 Join date : 2010-07-14 Age : 23 Location : (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ Somewhere flipping tables
| Subject: Re: Storyy.. no title yet ;] Wed Apr 25, 2012 7:45 pm | |
| You are doing the you's again. I'd be glad to know if this was about the audience though. xD
Anyway, the second part is okay, just work on the grammar and descriptive parts. C: What also kind of confused me was that at some point the conversation kept going, you didn't put a ". | |
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