Fantage Forum
Welcome to the Fantage Forum.


Fantage Cheats, Secrets, Glitches, Info & Help.
 
HomeFAQSearchMemberlistRegisterLog inUsergroups


Share | 
 

 A story i have wrote :)

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
Weekays
Expert Fantagian


Posts : 2614
Join date : 2011-07-24
Age : 13
Location : rlly

PostSubject: A story i have wrote :)   Sat Jun 09, 2012 9:39 am

Chapter 1.
The way it began.

beep beeep beep!!! Lilly wakes up cold and shivering. 10 am already? she asks Yes shouts mum cheerfully. Good morning Darling , mum said when lily got on her dressing gown and made her way downstairs Good morning mum says lilly.Mum gives lilly her breakfast and Lilly eats up and gets dressed. School time darling shouts mum,Mum gets into the car Lilly jumps into the passengers seat. They are nearly there then Suddenly...... on the radio the news came on mum told lilly to Shhhh so she could here it then it says Margaret sunnydown was murdered at 03 am at a riverside when she was silently feeding the ducks.
Lilly screams AHH AUNTIE MARGARET HAS BEEN MURDERED!!! Mum tries to calm lilly down but lilly burst into tears and wanted to go home but mum wouldnt let her so at school lilly only had one freind and that was her imaginery one since it was only yesterday she started school nobody knows her and wants to be her friend.Lilly goes threw the full day at school silently but after school on her way walking home something poked her back she turned round then hundreds of cream pies came flying to her then she seen who it was it was the girl who was the bully in her school called Melanie,tears started falling from lillys eyes then she ran home when she got home she ran in and slamed the door shut and she was still crying and mum came out of the kitchin and said Whats wrong dear? are you ok, NO MUM I JUST GOT ONE MILLION CREAM PIES THROWN AT ME BY THE CLASS BULLY. Oh my poor child screams mum are you okay? in between your aunt getting murdered and you getting hut my cream pies you life must be terrible! i hope you recover from it soon said mum Okayy mum im gonna take a bath and do my homework.....


Chapter 2 out soon i will edit this post when chapter 2 is out Smile and post that there has been an update please rate and tell me how i can improve thanks Smile
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Squirtle
Ultimate Fantagian


Posts : 8761
Join date : 2011-12-04
Age : 14
Location : Somewhere

PostSubject: Re: A story i have wrote :)   Sat Jun 09, 2012 9:42 am

I really like it but their are a few spelling errors


i would say 10/10. i was going to say 9/10 but i like the story alot! once again, 10/10 keep making more!
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://nerurumi.deviantart.com/
Abstract
Veteran Fantagian


Posts : 4563
Join date : 2010-07-14
Age : 16
Location : (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ Somewhere flipping tables

PostSubject: Re: A story i have wrote :)   Sat Jun 09, 2012 9:56 am

Story: 7/10
Though, the grammar is out of place. Try putting what the character said in quotes. ( "10 am already?") Also the story line gets off at some point. I don't know how to explain, but this part is what I mean:

Mum tries to calm lilly down but lilly burst into tears and wanted to go home but mum wouldnt let her so at school lilly only had one freind and that was her imaginery one since it was only yesterday she started school nobody knows her and wants to be her friend.

I think. in that part you should make a new paragraph Like.

Mum tries to calm Lilly down but Lilly bursts into tears; she wanted to go home, but her mum wouldn't let her.

At school Lilly only had one friend. (on and on)

See what I mean? But yeah, it is a nice story, hopefully you continue. Smile


Back to top Go down
View user profile
Weekays
Expert Fantagian


Posts : 2614
Join date : 2011-07-24
Age : 13
Location : rlly

PostSubject: Re: A story i have wrote :)   Sat Jun 09, 2012 10:03 am

Abstract wrote:
Story: 7/10
Though, the grammar is out of place. Try putting what the character said in quotes. ( "10 am already?") Also the story line gets off at some point. I don't know how to explain, but this part is what I mean:

Mum tries to calm lilly down but lilly burst into tears and wanted to go home but mum wouldnt let her so at school lilly only had one freind and that was her imaginery one since it was only yesterday she started school nobody knows her and wants to be her friend.

I think. in that part you should make a new paragraph Like.

Mum tries to calm Lilly down but Lilly bursts into tears; she wanted to go home, but her mum wouldn't let her.

At school Lilly only had one friend. (on and on)


Thanks i will try that on the rest of my chapters

@disney4ever thanks i know the grammar isnt great its because i was making it up as i go along lol Shocked
See what I mean? But yeah, it is a nice story, hopefully you continue. Smile


[/quote]
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: A story i have wrote :)   Today at 4:47 pm

Back to top Go down
 
A story i have wrote :)
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Toy Story LEGO + MATTEL WWE
» Is death essential to good story writing?
» Campaign Story Challenge : ERA, "The Mass" Story
» Thinkaway's "Collectors" Toy Story Figures
» Possible story idea

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Fantage Forum :: Creations :: Literature-
Jump to: