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| | I can't write ;w; |  |
| | | Author | Message |
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Guest
Guest
| Subject: I can't write ;w;  Sat Oct 06, 2012 1:30 am | |
| - Spoiler:
Dark shadows flitted across the forest. The girl stared at her friend.
"Well why? Why are you going to leave me?
"I'm not! I'm just going to be gone for while." Silence filled both of the two. The girl twirled some curly brown locks and the boy paced around a bit, the crisp sound of golden autumn leaves crunching on the ground.
Eventually they both stopped fiddling around. Gazing at each other with mixed expressions the silence remained.
"Well, I'll see you later." The girl smiled and the waved.
"Wait! I need to tell you something!" But it was too late. She was long gone. The boy shook his head and looked around. He swore he saw something. A dark sharp scurried around. Turning back and fourth he didn't notice until it was close enough.
Then everything went black.
All I can say is that I should be in bed by now. Ahhh I wanna write books when I grow up so give me REAL feed back not its flawless. You have no idea how frustrated I get at people at my school. Everyone is all like "Its PERFECT YOU HAVE NO NEED TO CHANGE ANYTHING!" Meh I'mma continue this, this is just a prologue. |
| | | | Cefie
Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1305
Join date : 2012-06-12
Age : 25
Location : Oh no! I've gone missing. Can you find me?
| | Subject: Re: I can't write ;w; Sat Oct 06, 2012 1:39 am | |
| - Spoiler:
The girl twirled her* curly brown locks and the boy paced around a bit, the crisp sound of golden autumn leaves crunching on the ground.
Eventually they both stopped fiddling around. Gazing at each other with mixed expressions, the silence remained.
"Well, I'll see you later." The girl smiled and she waved.
"Wait! I need to tell you something!" But it was too late. She was already*? already long? gone. The boy shook his head and looked around. (Hmm. Revision here? Perhaps a little flit of shadow at the corner of his eye, happening again until he gets to the point where he gets confused)He swore he saw something. A dark shape scurried around. Turning back and forth he didn't notice until it was close enough.
Then everything went black.
Mini mistakes and my comments bolded. ^^
I think it's rather good right now, but I'd love to see what happens next. It's a pretty good start, though. | |
| | | | Guest
Guest
| | Subject: Re: I can't write ;w; Sat Oct 06, 2012 1:47 am | |
| - Cefie wrote:
- Spoiler:
The girl twirled her* curly brown locks and the boy paced around a bit, the crisp sound of golden autumn leaves crunching on the ground.
Eventually they both stopped fiddling around. Gazing at each other with mixed expressions, the silence remained.
"Well, I'll see you later." The girl smiled and she waved.
"Wait! I need to tell you something!" But it was too late. She was already*? already long? gone. The boy shook his head and looked around. (Hmm. Revision here? Perhaps a little flit of shadow at the corner of his eye, happening again until he gets to the point where he gets confused)He swore he saw something. A dark shape scurried around. Turning back and forth he didn't notice until it was close enough.
Then everything went black.
Mini mistakes and my comments bolded. ^^
I think it's rather good right now, but I'd love to see what happens next. It's a pretty good start, though. Thanks for the grammar correction! And thanks! |
| | | | SilverBell
Veteran Fantagian
Posts : 3309
Join date : 2012-08-29
Age : 23
Location : A room in a house in a city in a county in a state in a country in a continent in a planet in a solar system in a galaxy in a universe
| | Subject: Re: I can't write ;w; Sat Oct 06, 2012 1:48 am | |
| Dark shadows flitted across the forest. The girl stared at her friend.
That's just not original. Every one uses dark shadows flitted across the forest. | |
| | | | Guest
Guest
| | Subject: Re: I can't write ;w; Sat Oct 06, 2012 10:38 am | |
| - Kaai Yuki wrote:
- Dark shadows flitted across the forest. The girl stared at her friend.
That's just not original. Every one uses dark shadows flitted across the forest. Derp derp of course. I was bored you got that little sis? XDD |
| | | | Cherry
Veteran Fantagian
Posts : 3690
Join date : 2012-07-26
Age : 24
Location : Shmwhere
| | Subject: Re: I can't write ;w; Sat Oct 06, 2012 10:43 am | |
| Oh thats really good!
Just wondering why is Cefie's aavi an apple? | |
| | | | Harry
Ultimate Fantagian
Posts : 7654
Join date : 2012-07-16
Age : 25
Location : with you ;)
| | Subject: Re: I can't write ;w; Sat Oct 06, 2012 10:47 am | |
| This is good, but it would be even better if more description was used. - Spoiler:
Dark shadows flitted across the forest. The girl stared at her friend. (Maybe you could put why she was staring)
"Well why? Why are you going to leave me? (Who said this?)
"I'm not! I'm just going to be gone for while." Silence filled both of the two. The girl twirled some curly brown locks and the boy paced around a bit, the crisp sound of golden autumn leaves crunching on the ground.
Eventually they both stopped fiddling around. Gazing at each other with mixed expressions the silence remained. (Who stopped fiddling around?)
"Well, I'll see you later." The girl smiled and the waved.
"Wait! I need to tell you something!" (Who said this?) But it was too late. She was long gone. The boy shook his head and looked around. He swore he saw something. A dark sharp scurried around. Turning back and fourth he didn't notice until it was close enough.
Then everything went black.
| |
| | | | Guest
Guest
| | Subject: Re: I can't write ;w; Sat Oct 06, 2012 11:11 am | |
| Thank you everyone!
I appreciate the critique and your , you people are MUCH better editors than half the kids at my school |
| | | | o
Veteran Fantagian
Posts : 4270
Join date : 2011-11-11
Age : 23
| | Subject: Re: I can't write ;w; Sat Oct 06, 2012 11:52 am | |
| edits: - Spoiler:
Dark shadows flitted across the forest. The girl stared at her friend.
"Well, why? Why are you going to leave me?"
"I'm not! I'm just going to be gone for while."
[[new paragraph here]]Silence filled both of the two. The girl twirled some her [[the possession should be more clear]] curly brown locks and the boy paced around a bit, the crisp sound of golden autumn leaves crunching on the ground.
Eventually they both stopped fiddling around. Gazing at each other with mixed expressions the silence remained. The silence still remained as they gazed at each other with mixed expressions. [[revise that sentence; the order you've put it in is confusing]]
"Well, I'll see you later." The girl smiled and the waved.
"Wait! I need to tell you something!"
[[new paragraph]]But it was too late. She was long gone. The boy shook his head and looked around. He swore he saw something. A dark sharp [[figure?]] scurried around. Turning back and fourth he didn't notice until it was close enough. As he looked back and forth he didn't notice anything; until it was close enough. [[separating that sentence into two phrases makes it sound more suspenseful]]
Then everything went black.
i like your style, it really reminds me of Earnest Hemingway's style! as i was editing, i tried not to edit major parts of it, because i didn't want to change the style. [[if you don't know who Earnest Hemingway is, he's a really famous writer who wrote short, concise sentences. if you read his writing, it's almost like every sentence is "a punch"; straight to the point.]] i was really impressed with this piece! but just remember to keep proper grammar! | |
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