i wrote a bad letter to my mom

I really wanted to have a sleep over with my friend after our talent show, so this is something small i wrote:


"Dear mom,

Can my friend and i have a sleep over at our house? The room is cleaned, I have a hard password set on my iphone, and right after our act we can leave to save time.


If we left the school right after our act, we could have longer time to hang out. It is a friday which means that there is no school tomorrow. I already practiced for my art class.
If my friend left at 8 AM I would have an hour to get ready for art class. I would brush my hair, get dressed, and get all ready. I would clean up any mess I made.

Please let this happen, my friend wants to do this also.
-Hatsune Miku"


It really has bad reasons xD I replaced some private information like my name and changed it with my username. It has better grammar and indentings on the real things, sadly this letter did not work...

Hm... maybe you could list chores you would do for your mom in return. Use the words "trust me" a lot too.
I personally think you should cut out the "pleeeeeaaaaassseeee" part.

Minami wrote:

Hm... maybe you could list chores you would do for your mom in return. Use the words "trust me" a lot too.
I personally think you should cut out the "pleeeeeaaaaassseeee" part.

Yeah I thought so, any other critique?

Well..I would also put in the fact that your friend's mom will give permission for your friend to come over.

Oh, and change "can" to "may."