| | The Life of A Dreamer [[STORY BY RIBBON]] | |
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Primrose Ultimate Fantagian
Posts : 8311 Join date : 2011-08-27 Age : 21 Location : District 12
| Subject: The Life of A Dreamer [[STORY BY RIBBON]] Wed May 29, 2013 7:23 pm | |
| - Chapter 1:
Dawn's Diary: Today is probably the worst day of my life. First, I got lectured over three times at school. It was.. well, just horrible for words. My firend Trista totally understood me though. Now that I arrived at home, I've got heaps of homework which I won't be able to do. Mom told me I and Dusk have to go to the regular bi-monthly visit to the doctor, which sucks. I shouldn't really be writing in my diary now since I'm supposed to get a head start on homework, so I guess this is it for now.
Dawn closed the diary and sighed. She wasn't feeling good. Her voice was very quiet and shaky. That's she hadn't be able to sing for a while, and she was pale. Her cheeks were very red, and it was the same for her brother, Dusk.
Dawn got into the car and sat on the window seat at the back row. Dusk followed soon after and sat beside the other window, leaving a space in the middle. Their mother was on the front row, alone. Neither Dawn or Dusk were in a chatty mood, which was very unusual since they were complete chit-chatters. Not because they hated the doctor, which they did, but because they knew something bad would happen. The car came to a forced stop and their mother, Bailey, came out and opened the door for them. Out came two depressed teenagers. They walked towards the office, silently. They got onto the elevator, up to the 7th floor. Dawn, Dusk and Bailey sat down at a couch on the waiting room. Dawn got distracted and started chatting and playing games on her phone, while Dusk watched the TV screen and Bailey read a magazine. A patient exited the office, and the secretary in the waiting room lifted her head off the computer monitor for a second. "Dawn Payton, please get to Mr. Franco's office." She said with an emotionless voice, adjusting her tiny circular glasses and switching to look at the laptop on her desk again. Dawn stood up, forcing a smile on her face. It looked shockingly real.
Dawn approached the office, as she stretched her hand out to open the door but the doctor opened it from the inside. She stepped into the office right away. The doctor told her to lay down on a small bed. The doctor looked through his drawers and took out a pair of white plastic gloves and cleaned them with a special cleaning gel. He covered Dawn with a thin blanket and took out an empty needle, injecting it in Dawn's shoulder. He took the blood and placed it into a measuring cup. After several tests, they gave Dawn a couple of lemon candies and they let her out, so Dusk came in after.
It took quite a while but Dusk was finished. The doctor told him to wait on the waiting room for a couple of minutes while he got the information. The time went by slowly, making Dusk and Dawn as miserable as ever. Finally the time had come. The doctor peeked out through the door. "Dusk and Dawn Payton, please come to my office." He said. Dusk, Dawn and Bailey all stood up. Dusk and Dawn entered the room while Bailey was left outside to wait. Bailey was very nervous, fearing something was wrong. "Dusk, Dawn.. I've got something very important to tell you."
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This is all I've done so far. You can also see this at my Wattpad, I'm currently working at the cover of the book. | |
| | | Flynn Legendary Fantagian
Posts : 12278 Join date : 2012-01-14 Age : 25 Location : The gallows
| Subject: Re: The Life of A Dreamer [[STORY BY RIBBON]] Thu May 30, 2013 5:44 am | |
| Okay, I'm going to have to say I'm not really a fan.
Mostly because this type of hospital drama is always the same.
. This "Dusk" guy dies, doesn't he?
. This is some made-up Victorian Drama Disease, isn't it?
. "Dawn" is going to flip out because she's supposedly dying and cry in her lover's arms for an hour, isn't she?
. This is going to have a so-called "bittersweet ending", isn't it? For example, the cute, lovable character dies a nasty death but everyone learns an important lesson from his demise?
. This is aimed at 10-13 year old girls, isn't it?
Sorry for being so blunt, but I kind of felt like saying this. If any of this offends you I'll take this to PM gladly. | |
| | | Primrose Ultimate Fantagian
Posts : 8311 Join date : 2011-08-27 Age : 21 Location : District 12
| Subject: Re: The Life of A Dreamer [[STORY BY RIBBON]] Thu May 30, 2013 5:19 pm | |
| - Jeff wrote:
- Okay, I'm going to have to say I'm not really a fan.
Mostly because this type of hospital drama is always the same.
. This "Dusk" guy dies, doesn't he?
. This is some made-up Victorian Drama Disease, isn't it?
. "Dawn" is going to flip out because she's supposedly dying and cry in her lover's arms for an hour, isn't she?
. This is going to have a so-called "bittersweet ending", isn't it? For example, the cute, lovable character dies a nasty death but everyone learns an important lesson from his demise?
. This is aimed at 10-13 year old girls, isn't it?
Sorry for being so blunt, but I kind of felt like saying this. If any of this offends you I'll take this to PM gladly. well, most of that is quite true. but this is just the beginning. i don't find that offensive at all, just some critique to help me in the future. | |
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