| | Why is my life like Lyrics (Story in progress) | |
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Miranda2 Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1319 Join date : 2012-08-25 Age : 23 Location : My own little corner of the world
| Subject: Why is my life like Lyrics (Story in progress) Fri Jan 03, 2014 8:07 pm | |
| I'm currently making it on wattpad. I plan to make it a novel. I will try to apply some critques. Please don't make me feel bad about my writing simply because you don't like the story. I mean what if you drew a picture and I was like "Omg it looks like a blind person drew that lolololo." yeah. Hurts. - The Story:
Chapter 1: But Baby Anywhere Is Away From Me
I run my finger tips on the window of my mom's teal volks wagen beetle. She stops to get gas and some snacks from a gas station. "Hey, Adriana, you okay?" She turns back to take a look at me. "I'm fine. I said that an hour ago and I say it again." I say back twirling a piece of brown hair with my index finger. My mom gives me money to get some snacks from the gas station while she fills up the pump. "Hey, 12 minutes. I need to check if we are going the right way." My mom yawns. "Maybe 25... We need a rest." I knod and stretch. The last rest stop was maybe 2 hours ago. If you haven't figured it out already my mom is moving. Taking me, leaving my dad, John. My mom, Yvette, divorsed him after she found him sleeping with another woman. I mean I had my doubts about my dad, Overly cocky, selfish and a scoorge. My mom, selfless, artistic and border line rich, had seen nothing coming. I walked into the dim lighted gas station, straitening out my plaid flannel shirt. I look around and see some candy calling my name! I promise, once I get off gas station food, I'll eat healthy. But the best I can do is dried fruit, So I grab that to. I have 30 bucks from my mom. I look around for a coffe machiene for us. I get two large lattes. Then I find Fruit cups, healthy. The middle aged clerk lady checks me out and gives me a box of mints for spending more than 15 bucks. I might need those mints. My mom walks in and takes a bathroom trip. I know I should to. After that my mom says. "Thank you for giving me 10 minutes of sleep." She yawns again, I should start counting. "But, we only have an hour until we get to the new home!" She puts some 5 hour energey into her coffe and I cringe, that stuff tastes horrible. Why put it in a latte? But an hour. Just an hour until we get to Broken Arrow Okalhoma (yes. I know.) it has been roughley 8 hours being in the four seated car. I sit in the back so I can (kind of) lay down. But when your 15, 5'9'' you can barely lay down in that thing. Or reduce attetion. I lay back on the tan leather sheets with zebra printed covers. My mom listening to her blue tooth on her car stero system. Just 44 minutes and 32 seconds to my freedom, well from the car.
Chapter 2 Should I Give Up? Or Should I Just Keep Chasing Pavements? Coming Soon!
Last edited by Fallen Snow on Fri Jan 03, 2014 9:26 pm; edited 1 time in total | |
| | | Lineesa Passionate Fantagian
Posts : 838 Join date : 2012-01-16 Age : 23
| Subject: Re: Why is my life like Lyrics (Story in progress) Fri Jan 03, 2014 8:25 pm | |
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| | | Miranda2 Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1319 Join date : 2012-08-25 Age : 23 Location : My own little corner of the world
| Subject: Re: Why is my life like Lyrics (Story in progress) Fri Jan 03, 2014 8:26 pm | |
| - Lineesa wrote:
- Check your spelling
Okay because on wattpad they don't have spell check or those red lines. I'll fix it when I get to chapter 2:) | |
| | | Flynn Legendary Fantagian
Posts : 12278 Join date : 2012-01-14 Age : 25 Location : The gallows
| Subject: Re: Why is my life like Lyrics (Story in progress) Sat Jan 04, 2014 8:19 am | |
| I noticed several spelling/punctuation mistakes. It would be rather nice if you fixed them.
Also, what is the plot of this story? Reading a giant paragraph about a chick and her mom stopping at a gas station is hardly interesting really boring. Is it going to get more exciting later or something? Because in that case you may want to shorten this scene and get a move on.
Apologies if this was offensive in any way. | |
| | | Miranda2 Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1319 Join date : 2012-08-25 Age : 23 Location : My own little corner of the world
| Subject: Re: Why is my life like Lyrics (Story in progress) Sat Jan 04, 2014 8:28 am | |
| - Flynn wrote:
- I noticed several spelling/punctuation mistakes. It would be rather nice if you fixed them.
Also, what is the plot of this story? Reading a giant paragraph about a chick and her mom stopping at a gas station is hardly interesting really boring. Is it going to get more exciting later or something? Because in that case you may want to shorten this scene and get a move on.
Apologies if this was offensive in any way. It wasn't. Yes, I'm going to work on the mistakes when I get to chapter two. This is kind of like a bridge to get to the good part. Kind of like the Insurgent into the Illiegent. | |
| | | Flynn Legendary Fantagian
Posts : 12278 Join date : 2012-01-14 Age : 25 Location : The gallows
| Subject: Re: Why is my life like Lyrics (Story in progress) Sat Jan 04, 2014 8:41 am | |
| - Fallen Snow wrote:
- Flynn wrote:
- I noticed several spelling/punctuation mistakes. It would be rather nice if you fixed them.
Also, what is the plot of this story? Reading a giant paragraph about a chick and her mom stopping at a gas station is hardly interesting really boring. Is it going to get more exciting later or something? Because in that case you may want to shorten this scene and get a move on.
Apologies if this was offensive in any way. It wasn't. Yes, I'm going to work on the mistakes when I get to chapter two. This is kind of like a bridge to get to the good part. Kind of like the Insurgent into the Illiegent. I actually sort of hated the Divergent series for that reason, among others. It's really tedious to have to flip through page after page of nothing happening to find something worth reading. Of course, you can do it your way though. You are the author and I seem to be alone in my distaste for Divergent anyway. | |
| | | alison Regular Fantagian
Posts : 229 Join date : 2012-08-02 Age : 24 Location : london
| Subject: Re: Why is my life like Lyrics (Story in progress) Sat Jan 04, 2014 8:53 am | |
| the concept is cute tbh but um can you like...elaborate on the gas station story? unless there's supposed to be some far-fetched symbolic meaning in the fruit cups and the gas station that i'm missing out on or w/e, there's no significance in the first chapter whatsoever. the first chapter is supposed to be the part that forms the basis of the story and from what i've seen, there is none of that.
Last edited by alison on Sat Jan 04, 2014 10:51 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : typo oops) | |
| | | Miranda2 Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1319 Join date : 2012-08-25 Age : 23 Location : My own little corner of the world
| Subject: Re: Why is my life like Lyrics (Story in progress) Sat Jan 04, 2014 2:08 pm | |
| - Flynn wrote:
- Fallen Snow wrote:
- Flynn wrote:
- I noticed several spelling/punctuation mistakes. It would be rather nice if you fixed them.
Also, what is the plot of this story? Reading a giant paragraph about a chick and her mom stopping at a gas station is hardly interesting really boring. Is it going to get more exciting later or something? Because in that case you may want to shorten this scene and get a move on.
Apologies if this was offensive in any way. It wasn't. Yes, I'm going to work on the mistakes when I get to chapter two. This is kind of like a bridge to get to the good part. Kind of like the Insurgent into the Illiegent. I actually sort of hated the Divergent series for that reason, among others. It's really tedious to have to flip through page after page of nothing happening to find something worth reading. Of course, you can do it your way though. You are the author and I seem to be alone in my distaste for Divergent anyway. Oh I was just looking for an example so you would understand that it is like a bridge to get settled into the story. | |
| | | Officer Number Two Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1781 Join date : 2013-03-02 Age : 34 Location : Interrogating a Gazelle
| Subject: Re: Why is my life like Lyrics (Story in progress) Mon Jan 06, 2014 4:27 pm | |
| Are the titles all names of songs or lyrics? It's a cool idea!i | |
| | | emiko Veteran Fantagian
Posts : 3968 Join date : 2012-06-17 Age : 109 Location : london is in jupiter... right? QwQ
| Subject: Re: Why is my life like Lyrics (Story in progress) Mon Jan 06, 2014 6:12 pm | |
| - Love wrote:
- Flynn wrote:
- Fallen Snow wrote:
- Flynn wrote:
- I noticed several spelling/punctuation mistakes. It would be rather nice if you fixed them.
Also, what is the plot of this story? Reading a giant paragraph about a chick and her mom stopping at a gas station is hardly interesting really boring. Is it going to get more exciting later or something? Because in that case you may want to shorten this scene and get a move on.
Apologies if this was offensive in any way. It wasn't. Yes, I'm going to work on the mistakes when I get to chapter two. This is kind of like a bridge to get to the good part. Kind of like the Insurgent into the Illiegent.
I actually sort of hated the Divergent series for that reason, among others. It's really tedious to have to flip through page after page of nothing happening to find something worth reading. Of course, you can do it your way though. You are the author and I seem to be alone in my distaste for Divergent anyway. Oh I was just looking for an example so you would understand that it is like a bridge to get settled into the story. lawl i just replied so i can join the quote train punctuation + spelling but its still a cool story :3 more detail and descriptionnnnnnnnn
Last edited by meow on Mon Jan 06, 2014 6:13 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : DFHogfSFDIHsod8 my message got into one of the quote paragraphs somehow ;__;) | |
| | | hikayamasan353 Senior Fantagian
Posts : 362 Join date : 2013-12-08 Age : 28 Location : Ukraine, K***-ken, K***-shi, ***-ku, ***-chome, 2-3-1
| Subject: Re: Why is my life like Lyrics (Story in progress) Fri Jan 24, 2014 6:15 am | |
| Uhmmm.... Why you can eat only on gas station? Why dad divorced? Why he found another wife? And the mother seems really awesome since she is selfless and artistic ^__^ | |
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