| | Taylor's Story | |
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+4v Karen juliajuljulia TaylorFox00 8 posters | |
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TaylorFox00 Senior Fantagian
Posts : 296 Join date : 2010-09-08 Age : 23 Location : Sitting in front of Media Molecule's office until they release Little Big Planet 2.
| Subject: Taylor's Story Sat Sep 11, 2010 10:48 pm | |
| This is the story Of Taylor Fox, getting through her life in Fantage. Chapter 1 Blindness and Bosses Taylors POV - Spoiler:
I glided down the beach, thinking of what had just happened. A fantagian had just thrown a piece of glass at my eye. There was a big fight earlier, started by a premium and a non. The two girls were friends, until the non started talking to the premiums boss, which the premium told her never to do.the premium was fired for being seen with a non, and they got mad at eachother and started this fight. They started a riot, with glass shatterring and lights falling out of the cieling. i walked in to get my friend Kandii a donut, when a shard of glass flew into my eye. I shouted with pain, the glass felt like it was burning my retina. The two girls are both in the emergency room now, but I avoided the nurses and left, to find that Kandii was being bullied. Two premiums were saying her clothes were ugly, even though she was wearing a nice, tan, school uniform. i got between them and commanded " Leave her alone!!" They looked at me disgustingly and walked away whispering something like ' Filthy non whisperer ' and ' Tomboy. ' i looked down at my ripped black tube top, my torn jeans, bare feet, and black fingerless gloves. I didnt care. Kandii had to leave and said " Bye, and Thanks!" , I walked down to the beach, with everyone staring at me. Suddenly, everything started fading...until everything was dark, and I couldnt see a thing. I was confused but then I knew what had happened. My right eye was already damaged, so I covered it with bangs. Now my other eye was scratched heavily from the glass, so now, I'm Blind.
Chapter 2 Rescued and Removal Taylors POV - Spoiler:
My board crashed into a shoreline rock, so my dog yelped and jumped off the board and onto my shoulder. I managed to navigate myself away from the obstacle and reached into my satchel. i pulled out the map and tried to remember where the Wizards Dormain was. I touched an icon that I thought was in the area of the wizard Dormain, and i was completely wrong. I had the tingling, teleporting feeling, and ended up in a crowded area, being pushed by someone. Lots of noise filled my ears. Can you guess where i was? DownTown. A man had said " Hey, whats the deal? Move over! Are you blind or something?" He had no idea. I tried to get around the crowd and bumped into yet ANOTHER person. "Oh, i'm SO sorry...Its not like you bumped into me or anything...Its all MY fault!" She had loads of sarcasm and cruelty in her voice, and I got tired of it. " You know what? You can make up for it too. Show me where the Wizards place is." I snapped. "Wow, you really cant see that? Its right THERE. " She moved my hand onto an area on the map. i felt the tingling sensation of teleporting and ended up with the sound of birds in my ear.I hopped off my board and felt the feeling of grass between my feet. I also heard magic, which told me I was where i needed to go. i felt around for a door and felt a smooth, metallic object, which was the doorknob. I turned it and entered a place that had a magical aura. I called " Orion? Are you there? " " No, but his brother is. " A man had replied, who obviously was Luke, my childhood friend. " Whats up? " he said in his outgoing voice. " A shard of glass had flown into my eye and I had to go through a lot of trouble to get here, man. " " So you're blind now? " " What do you think? " I said in a jokingly dumb voice. I had a feeling that he smiled, and I heard him call " Gale! Tay's here! " " Coming! You're always so impatient, Luke! " Yelled Gale happily. I heard a board float toward me and then Gale was saying " Did your eye get damaged again?" Gale said in his mellow voice. " actually, thats exactly what happened, except with her other eye. " Luke said. Gale now said " Oh, well, I can only help you a little. i can make your eyes work, but I will have to give you magic contacts and take the glass out of your eye. And by what Luke says, its painful. " i said it was worth it, so he did magic and took the glass out of my eye ( AND IT HURT!!) , then he gave me these contacts. I put them in my eyes, and I could see; Gales gray, spiky hair, tan skin, and purple jacket. I saw Luke's brown, front spiked hair, blue eyes, and leather jacket. i saw my dog, Saphie, and Spiki, my little blue pet that looked like Mylo, but blue and no bow, with a spiky thing on the end of her tail. I saw everything I saw before. " Oh, THANK YOU! " I screamed and hugged both of them; Luke just because hes awesome, and Gale because he made me able to see. I jumped back onto my silver, black and blue guitar board and left, feeling as happy as a monkey who found a cave of bananas !
Chapter 3 Oh, Not AGAIN and Overworked Nons - Spoiler:
Able to see my path again, I floated down the road to the Forest, and went into the Grotto. not to my surprise, something was going on there. Someone was teaching school, and apparently, one student was arguing with another person, who seemed to be a member. " Dont argue with me, Jenna! Youre going to clean the floor because nobody needs you!" The member said. " Oh, like youre SO important! I have to clean the floor because YOU dont want to get your beautiful, painted fingernails all dirty!!! " The other student said, who was unmistakenly a non-member. " I dont need you here, you filthy Non! You should be doing all the work because youre not as special as I am! " the premium screamed. " I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR PERFECTLY UGLY FACE AGAIN!! And as if i was experiencing Deja Vu, the two started throwing things and screaming, and i had enough of this. " STOP! WHATS THE POINT OF THIS, ANYWAY? PREMIUMS SHOULDNT THINK THEYRE BETTER THAN NONS AND OVERWORK THEM LIKE THESE GIRLS," I pointed to some nons in the corner, cleaning up a mess. " Well, she was being absolutely annoying, so i was going to punish her!" The premium sneered. ' Well, nons shouldnt do work for others, unless if its their job! So Im gonna leave now, and you should let those nons leave, and get back to your class. " i retorted. i felt like i was talking to preschoolers. i walked out the door thinking ' Wow, so many things in one day; two girls fought, I became blind, I had to have glass taken out of my eye, and I had to break up a fight between two other girls. I think I'll go home now...' the sun was setting, and the crescent shaped moon rose. I walked home to the beach, because my house was just on the shoreline, on a 10 foot tree, with little steps carved into the bark. yeah, Im sort of daring like that. i climbed up the steps and into my black, white, and blue shoreline treehouse. I saw my wooden table Luke made me, my two cushy blue beanbag chairs, signed guitar from Billie Joe Armstrong ( Lead singer of Greenday, he's EPIC!! ) , and a few of my pets, Jimbo, Poofi, Fluffie, and Chloe. I went upstairs to the outdoor bridge built into my house. It had a beautiful viewof the blue ocean, where I saw a shark going towards a seal. The seal bit the shark, and the shark swam away, thinking the prey was too large. i slumped into my hammock, watching the sunset swimmers. I saw Luke, crawlstroking his way towards the shore. He caught my eye and waved enthusiasticly, and I waved back and blushed. i dont know why I blushed, though... I fell onto my pillow, and closed my eyes, dreaming that I was at a Greenday concert, they played this song called 21 Guns, it was Me and Lukes favorite. and I woke up, with a burning sting in my chest.
Chapter 4, Path 1. Unknown feelings and Uhhhhh... what happened? - Spoiler:
My chest started searing with unknown pain, and my heart felt like it was going to burst into pieces. I did NOT get what was happening. my ribs seemed to be on fire, and my liver was stinging. I shouted with my pain, and then, It all stopped. i fell to the floor and started breathing heavily, as if i havent breathed for all my life. I sat down on a beanbag next to my shelf, where I crammed around 100 books inside the 4 shelves. I searched for a book on medical issues, and as if someone was watching my needs and put a book right in my eyes view, I saw the perfect one. Searing Chest Pains and Other Medical Issues. Wow, that was weird. I opened it and looked in the Table of Contents. On page 59 it said Searing, Hot, Stinging, and feeling like youre on Fire. i flipped to that page and it said: If you had the feeling described above in your chest, then you might have gotten the Occulmency Syndrome, also known as the Foreshadowing Syndrome. When this feeling happens, it means you will experience a problem that will ruin a very important privledge that you have. The problem will happen in a maximum of 3 days from the chest pain. i stared at the page for a few seconds after i had finished reading. ' Oh man, ' I thought. ' Great. Just what I need. an affliction that will cut off my arm or something. Cant wait. ' I opened the door of my outdoor bedroom again and went outside. I pulled a wooden lever on the wall of my house and leaf curtains came down upon my bedroom, shielding me from view. I got out my swimsuit from the dresser and undressed, then dressed into my swimsuit, which was a black and white tube top bikini, that showed my scarred stomach and back. I cant tell you where i got those giant scars, but I can tell you what im doing. I opened the blinds and looked out to the ocean. I saw a great white shark, but I'll just ignore it. If it attacks me, I'm up for a wrestle even if it kills me. Oh well. I closed the door of my bedroom and opened the door of my porch. I walked out of my treehouse and looked out to the ocean, my shaggy, a little past shoulder length brown hair WITH black and blonde highlights blowing in the wind, with my upper-lip length long bangs over my right eye blowing along with it, almost showing my uh, OTHER eye... you want to know why THATS blind too? Heres a hint; MUCH more powerful than someone pitching a sharp shurukin at my eye. i went to my built-in diving board on my porch, which my best friend and I built together. you see, Im not at ALL like those snooty, selfish premiums you know. In fact, Im not even much of a member, except that i can do things poor nons cant ( even though i sneak in some non members in places they shouldnt be whenever i can... ) , but I dont BUY any member stuff, my friends, Gale, Megan, Luke and I pledge to just MAKE things instead of buying them, unless if theres something we NEED TO buy. I cut my own hair, made my own clothes, furniture, house and stuff. I jumped and did a 360 flip in the air, and landed in the ocean, 10 feet above from it. I made a mushroom cloud splash and ended up right next to Megan, Luke, and Gale. " Haha, hey Tay! " Said Megan enthusiasticly, using my nickname. She was wearing the nice, purple one-piece swimsuit she made. " Hey Taylor, Where did Luke g--- OH MY GOD!!" Gale yelled, and i wasnt sure why but th---- AGH! Luke had went under me and picked me up on his shoulders. " Dang, youre lighter than you were when we were 13! And were 18 now! Oh, except for Megan, shes 17... " He laughed. Luke used to pick me up on my shoulders ALL the time when we were younger. We all laughed, and luke put me down and shook out his brown hair, which looked like Justin biebers hair but brown and blonde. Just then, I saw the shark coming behind Megan and gale. " Guys, the sharks behind you! " I yelled. They turned around, held hands so they wouldnt get lost, and swam away. They yelled behind them, " Come on! We dont want you to die!!! ". Me and Luke were alone with the Great white. " One... Two... Three! " I yelled. We learned this together when we were little... I barely remember how... Some person... I dont even remember when we did training, either... We both jumped into the shark. Total darkness. But we did this before. I closed my eyes, and i heard Luke walk over to the sharks middle tooth. I hoped that he grabbed it and I counted mentally in my head to three... and then as if I knew that i was training with Sensei right now, I yelled the curse, and the cave shone with energy, my hair was blowing, Luke had pushed down on the tooth, and we were shot out of the sharks mouth. The shark sank to the bottom of the ocean.... and we landed on the beach with Megan and Gale, who said, "Dude, you just flew out of the sky!!! What the heck happened?! " Luke then said for me, " We used... well, the you know what... " Megan and gale both widened their eyes and came closer to me. " Is she gonna be ok? Taylor, did you have a horrible feeling in your chest this morning? " Megan asked nervously. I tried to say yes, but i remembered, i was cursed now. Well, for 3 days. i cannot speak, or move a lot. " Just nod or shake. " i nodded and they all looked worried. I knew what they were talking about. i should have known... the feeling... the power we remembered... blindness... i remembered senseis words... " When the most experienced of you four experiences pain like a tiger tearing at your chest, you feel the power coming back, and you experience a disability that was easily healed, a war will come, and you will have the disability again, that will never be healed. "
Things will be explained in Chapter 5, Sound and Siblings, Path 1. Chapter 5, Path 1. Sound and Siblings. - Spoiler:
Ok, all of those things back there might have been confusing. So, heres what it means: Me, Megan, Gale and Luke were in this training thing that we found, because we're all orphans, so we just found some person who took us in, and then said we were uh, the " Chosen Ones " , which might make this book sound like its another horrible story about some weird kid who has this scar on his forehead and glasses. But this was very serious, but we were only 7 years old, so we didn't know. She/he ( no clue what gender Sensei was, her/his voice was so indistinguishable and their body was shielded by a silvery cloak that at the same time looked like mist. ) trained us in many magical fighting techniques that might seem really weird, but they kept us alive when we were in a world of EEEEEVVIIIIILLLL..... I felt like saying that. We all were great at two different things; Megan's were craftery and animal befriending, Gale's were magic and stealth, Luke's were skill and strength, and mine were fighting and Agility/Acrobatic Riskiness ( Which is foreign for im-so-gonna-fall-and-die-right-now-dude-what-do-i-do? ). When we were 15-16, Sensei let us leave our risky training and told me the message I retold earlier, because he/she sensed something in me dangerous... I have been haunted ever since of when that would happen, because she/he had a very worried face... I decided to get some sleep, for it was 1:23... every time me and my gang of fighters saw that number in our dormitories... along with 12:34 and 11:11.... we always made a wish. I decided to get some sleep for the night...
I woke up to the sound of yelling and screaming. I changed into my leather jacket, Greenday vs. Jonas Brothers T shirt, put on a black and white skirt, wore my Knee High sneakers and black hoop earrings, which could be a deadly weapon if rubbed against someone. I ut on the Blackest Eyeshadow i had, and left to see what was going on. It was cold and windy outside, so I tied my hair with a silver twisty with little capsules on it that carried a miniscule game of chess inside, so whenever me and my friend get bored i could just pull out the twisty , unfold the tightly packed chess game and set it up to play. I jumped down off my diving board and aimed myself to fall in the sand. everybody was yelling at eachother, mainly nons and members screaming their lungs out, or members yelling at other members for siding with the nons, and nons yelling at nons because... well basically the same thing. " You're being so stupid! " " Stop it! youre hurting my ears!" " How come you're worrying about the behalf of those toerags? " " Those members are so selfish! Why are you siding with them? " " Stop whining, you dirty bag face! " If this seems bad to you, its not very bad at all. This happens every day in the city White Seal, Amber Antelope, etc. I live in Sage Dragon, which is the place I'm in right now, obviously. But the second part of battle is the fight. The hurtful in BOTH ways kind of fight that breaks both friendships and bones. Lukes POV I pushed my black fedora back down on my head, my brwn, spiky hair still protruding out of it... I was trying to get through the verbal war that started. Boy, Sensei was right, a war would happen again. I wondered if Taylor was still sleeping, because it was so early, 5:00 or something, I never keep a watch on my wrist. My Vans Off the Wall sneakers were almost slipping off my skateboard, it was so windy. I looked at Taylors house and there she was, her dark brown hair with blonde streaks blowing beautifully in the air, her leather jacket rippling against the wind, her silver, mystic eyes shining, looking like those blue ones, but much more mysterious... you never knew what she was thinking if you looked at her eyes. she walked back inside, and I saw a cloud of sand and she emerged from it. She looked around and had her signature look on her face that always meant either ' I sense trouble ' or ' That person is wearing so much pink I want to murder them. ' Well, murder was the next step possibly in a few days, but sometimes I wish the world would just chill, man. People usally describe me as the outgoing, carefree dude, but know i can be very serious and protective, like I was just about to act like when I saw someone start pushing Megan. Megan is very optimistic, cheerful, and animal friendly, and by animal friendly, I mean animal-friendly. Megan has every single pet family completed, crossbreeds to make new ones, she discovers new pet species, like she did with the barnacles, and she has over 160 adopted animals. thats what I mean by animal friendly. I walked over to the guy who was yelling at her and said " Hey man, whats up with that? If youre too snotty to know that non members are better than you snobs, then just leave! Megan, you can stop now. " Megan was just about to slap him, and then said in her outgoing voice, " Aw come on Luke, I was just about to show him the ' magic ' of nons. " " Megan, you know we're not supposed to mention THAT here " I whispered, " alright, dude. " Megan finally sighed. I was just about to leave when I caught Taylor in my sight again, running towards Gale. , She wanted to speak, of course, but the power of the...lets say unknown feeling drained her of speech for a few days, and she showed us through sign language. ' We need to go to Orions, Now! ' She mouthed. We followed Gale through Downtown, many people yelling ridiculous things, like " I NEED A PD! " " Prom my place! Members only, loser. " " Stop! get off of me, nitwit! " I turned around to see my old friend, Pawee. he was yelling at a non boy, and the non was yelling right back, and there was a member girl with red hair in a ponytail wearing a strapless dress that matched her hair, and she had green eyes. It reminded me of Christmas, which was not fit for right now because nobody tries to kill eachother on Christmas just because of a GIRL. i followed the swishing brown/blonde hair that swung out of its ponytail as the owner pulled her chess twisty right out, with graceful hands wearing fingerless black gloves. We journeyed through the advertising and fighting until we heard the not-peaceful-anymore Forest. I saw Lily the Fairy covering her ears, her wings wilting because of all this horror. " Shh...This is the Forest! i liked my home when NONE OF YOU WERE HERE! Oh, except you three. " Lily looked at us and uncovered her pointed ears, cringing when the noise came back. " Orion is back, and all the noise is messing up his spells, and the crystal ball fell on the floor, so that made noise, then since everyone wanted the new Machine Gun and Sword item for... well tomorrow, they made even more noise, and now Orion's sitting in his room, plugging his ears until his older brother comes back. " She glared at Gale, who flew back a few steps on his broom board. " Ok, Lil... we'll go in and help the little noob. " Gale said sarcastically. Lily never liked it when Gale called her a nickname, so she flew in the air and went to mount Fantage, covering her ears as she flew.
Chapter 4, Path 2 ( read Chapter 3 first! ) Julia's Path Begins - Spoiler:
Thesearing chest pain lasted forabout an hour after it had begun. After itwas over and I had calmed down, I went as fast as I could to thewizards domain. Gale was there again. I asked him what was going on. Itsaid it might be the contact. I was scared that i would be blind againthat feeling was horrible. I complimented Gale's orange board. Gale wasvery surprised his board was not orange it was blue. Gale then new itwas the contacts. He said he would have to make new contacts. It maighttak a few days. Those few days were going to be horrible but at least Ihad a seeing eye dog. Chapter 6 Path1 War and a Walk. ( finally! '>o< ) Megans POV - Spoiler:
" Gale. GALE. GALEEE!!!!!!!!!! " Grr, Gale sleeps too much. He's still hot when he's sleeping, though...*w*... Taylor was busy talking to Orion to make him stop crying, while Luke was fixing the crystal ball. " Yo, Megan! Did you wake him up yet? Crystal balls don't come with instructions! " He said jokingly. " Orion, don't worry. The war will end if you tell us how to fix the crystal ball," Taylor lied hopefully.(Her curse has worn off ) Taylor is really good at sweet talking her ways out of difficult situations. (in this case, a crying wizard /o\) I started slapping Gale, but he still wouldn't wake; the reason? Orion started crying SO much his wand flew out of his hand and hit him in the arm, which put Gale in a magical sleep. Don't worry, this won't end up with him dying. We need to wake him up because Luke was too busy looking at Taylor instead of trying to fix the crystal ball ! Taylor doesn't know it, but Luke's MADLY in love with her. It's the same thing with Luke; Taylor likes him, but he doesn't know. I don't tell them because its cute watching them blush and stuff ! Just then, I heard a crash, a scream, and an explosion. W3e all ran outside ( except Gale, duh) and saw two non-members clashing with two member girls, who I knew as Jaylena and Tamina. The whole tower of white marble crashed down from the dormain, which had been slashed down by the non. The two member girls screamed, and I saw the member girl shoot a gun. An AK-47 to be exact. God, where the heck did she get THAT? Man, this nerdy prophecy was coming true. The moment I first heard it, it was so specific and badly said, and it sounded horrible. But I shouldn't have made fun of it if every single bit came true. Violence. Strife. Chest pains. Wait, I can't remember the last part...
I try to make a new chapter every day!
Last edited by TaylorFox00 on Sat Oct 23, 2010 12:47 am; edited 16 times in total | |
| | | juliajuljulia Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1516 Join date : 2010-07-08 Age : 29 Location : Mars
| Subject: Re: Taylor's Story Sat Sep 11, 2010 10:52 pm | |
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| | | Karen Former Staff
Posts : 1530 Join date : 2010-01-29 Age : 24 Location : unicorns
| Subject: Re: Taylor's Story Sat Sep 11, 2010 11:14 pm | |
| Awesome story! | |
| | | v Moderator
Posts : 9590 Join date : 2010-02-07 Age : 24
| Subject: Re: Taylor's Story Sat Sep 11, 2010 11:28 pm | |
| Nice start! Can't wait for more~ C: | |
| | | allme3724 Regular Fantagian
Posts : 100 Join date : 2010-08-18 Age : 27 Location : Wonderland
| Subject: Re: Taylor's Story Sun Sep 12, 2010 2:34 am | |
| awesome job u inspired me sorta jk but aweosme job tho hmm maybe i should do one too | |
| | | Nakira Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1137 Join date : 2010-07-12 Age : 27 Location : the groan zone
| Subject: Re: Taylor's Story Mon Sep 13, 2010 7:03 pm | |
| Good story! Although it's not in a Neutral POV, it's in Taylor's POV. | |
| | | Makkine Moderator
Posts : 2772 Join date : 2010-05-17 Age : 26 Location : Woah
| Subject: Re: Taylor's Story Mon Sep 13, 2010 7:07 pm | |
| I love this! It is reminiscent of Nakira's story, did you use it as inspiration? However, the tone is completely different, only two chapters and I'm already familiarized with your writing style!
Maybe you should learn where paragraphs are, because it's hard to read soemtimes, with too many run-on sentences and chunks of text. Also, I feel your prose a little non-descript. That would work for a minimalist story, but here I think you need more detail. For example, instead of saying "It hurt a lot" say "The searing pain tore through my retina blabablbalbla" Only less like Sharp's siggy.
9-10, but 8-10 due to grammar. | |
| | | Oliver Moderator
Posts : 4588 Join date : 2010-03-03 Age : 24 Location : *lights up a fire* yeah, trying to surivve in a fores.t *smokse a cig* il kill you
| Subject: Re: Taylor's Story Mon Sep 13, 2010 7:41 pm | |
| I would have liked it if your character was blind, it would have added a beautiful detail. Do you mind if I do one like this? With a blind character? Anyways, LOVE the idea. 9/10 | |
| | | TaylorFox00 Senior Fantagian
Posts : 296 Join date : 2010-09-08 Age : 23 Location : Sitting in front of Media Molecule's office until they release Little Big Planet 2.
| Subject: Re: Taylor's Story Mon Sep 13, 2010 8:48 pm | |
| - Timegear wrote:
- I would have liked it if your character was blind, it would have added a beautiful detail.
Do you mind if I do one like this? With a blind character? Anyways, LOVE the idea. 9/10 Thats a great Idea! I'll be sure to read it | |
| | | v Moderator
Posts : 9590 Join date : 2010-02-07 Age : 24
| Subject: Re: Taylor's Story Mon Sep 13, 2010 8:49 pm | |
| Wow, that is amazing. I love it. C: | |
| | | TaylorFox00 Senior Fantagian
Posts : 296 Join date : 2010-09-08 Age : 23 Location : Sitting in front of Media Molecule's office until they release Little Big Planet 2.
| Subject: Re: Taylor's Story Mon Sep 13, 2010 8:50 pm | |
| - IluvJB36 wrote:
- I love this! It is reminiscent of Nakira's story, did you use it as inspiration? However, the tone is completely different, only two chapters and I'm already familiarized with your writing style!
Maybe you should learn where paragraphs are, because it's hard to read soemtimes, with too many run-on sentences and chunks of text. Also, I feel your prose a little non-descript. That would work for a minimalist story, but here I think you need more detail. For example, instead of saying "It hurt a lot" say "The searing pain tore through my retina blabablbalbla" Only less like Sharp's siggy.
9-10, but 8-10 due to grammar. Ok, Ill fix some stuff and make it more interesting , and yes, Nakira inspired me A LOT!!! Her story of little Nakira and Miss LeMarre was EPIC! That reminds me, Im gonna go read the next chapter! | |
| | | TaylorFox00 Senior Fantagian
Posts : 296 Join date : 2010-09-08 Age : 23 Location : Sitting in front of Media Molecule's office until they release Little Big Planet 2.
| Subject: Re: Taylor's Story Mon Sep 13, 2010 8:51 pm | |
| - Nakira wrote:
- Good story! Although it's not in a Neutral POV, it's in Taylor's POV.
Thx!!! i always mess up on stories !!! | |
| | | Nakira Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1137 Join date : 2010-07-12 Age : 27 Location : the groan zone
| Subject: Re: Taylor's Story Mon Sep 13, 2010 9:59 pm | |
| - TaylorFox00 wrote:
- IluvJB36 wrote:
- I love this! It is reminiscent of Nakira's story, did you use it as inspiration? However, the tone is completely different, only two chapters and I'm already familiarized with your writing style!
Maybe you should learn where paragraphs are, because it's hard to read soemtimes, with too many run-on sentences and chunks of text. Also, I feel your prose a little non-descript. That would work for a minimalist story, but here I think you need more detail. For example, instead of saying "It hurt a lot" say "The searing pain tore through my retina blabablbalbla" Only less like Sharp's siggy.
9-10, but 8-10 due to grammar. Ok, Ill fix some stuff and make it more interesting , and yes, Nakira inspired me A LOT!!! Her story of little Nakira and Miss LeMarre was EPIC! That reminds me, Im gonna go read the next chapter! You have no idea how much that means to me, I'm seriously blushing right now. *///* That's so awesome of you to be inspired by meeee~. X3 | |
| | | TaylorFox00 Senior Fantagian
Posts : 296 Join date : 2010-09-08 Age : 23 Location : Sitting in front of Media Molecule's office until they release Little Big Planet 2.
| Subject: Re: Taylor's Story Tue Sep 14, 2010 1:29 pm | |
| - Nakira wrote:
- TaylorFox00 wrote:
- IluvJB36 wrote:
- I love this! It is reminiscent of Nakira's story, did you use it as inspiration? However, the tone is completely different, only two chapters and I'm already familiarized with your writing style!
Maybe you should learn where paragraphs are, because it's hard to read soemtimes, with too many run-on sentences and chunks of text. Also, I feel your prose a little non-descript. That would work for a minimalist story, but here I think you need more detail. For example, instead of saying "It hurt a lot" say "The searing pain tore through my retina blabablbalbla" Only less like Sharp's siggy.
9-10, but 8-10 due to grammar. Ok, Ill fix some stuff and make it more interesting , and yes, Nakira inspired me A LOT!!! Her story of little Nakira and Miss LeMarre was EPIC! That reminds me, Im gonna go read the next chapter! You have no idea how much that means to me, I'm seriously blushing right now. *///* That's so awesome of you to be inspired by meeee~. X3 Aw, thanks! Btw, I love your recolored avatar. | |
| | | TaylorFox00 Senior Fantagian
Posts : 296 Join date : 2010-09-08 Age : 23 Location : Sitting in front of Media Molecule's office until they release Little Big Planet 2.
| Subject: Re: Taylor's Story Tue Sep 14, 2010 5:00 pm | |
| Ok, Juliajuljulia is writing another version of chapter 4, so im going to make two story paths. One by my dangerous Chapter Unknown Feeling and uhhhhhhhhh...What happened, The other path is sclupted by Julias chapter 4. so you can choose to read Chapter 5, War and a Walk, Path 1, Or Chapter 5, Path2. The two paths continue on and come together in the end. Oh, and do you want Julia two write the rest of path 2 or me? I have no offence taken if you choose Julia Btw, I love criticisim, it makes my story more interesting if you tell me ' YOUR STORY SUCKS! MAKE IT ABOUT A LITTLE PONY LOST IN A DESERT! ' , cuz then I'll make it about a pony lost in a desert and make it less suckish | |
| | | Nakira Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1137 Join date : 2010-07-12 Age : 27 Location : the groan zone
| Subject: Re: Taylor's Story Wed Sep 15, 2010 7:08 pm | |
| This is pretty good, which chapters were written by you? Can't wait for the next chap! X3 | |
| | | TaylorFox00 Senior Fantagian
Posts : 296 Join date : 2010-09-08 Age : 23 Location : Sitting in front of Media Molecule's office until they release Little Big Planet 2.
| Subject: Re: Taylor's Story Wed Sep 15, 2010 8:22 pm | |
| Actually, julia hasnt written chapter 4, Path 2 yet... so all the chapters are written by me so far there are two paths: one is war, based on what i wrote in my chapter 4, and another path is going to be made based on the chapter 4 JULIA is making o.e .... its so confusing, even for me! ^w^' | |
| | | juliajuljulia Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1516 Join date : 2010-07-08 Age : 29 Location : Mars
| Subject: Re: Taylor's Story Wed Sep 15, 2010 8:23 pm | |
| sorry im still workin itll probably come out over the weekend | |
| | | juliajuljulia Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1516 Join date : 2010-07-08 Age : 29 Location : Mars
| Subject: Re: Taylor's Story Wed Sep 15, 2010 8:34 pm | |
| Cahapter 4 - Spoiler:
The searing chest pain lasted forabout an hour after it had begun. After it was over and I had calmed down, I went as fast as I could to the wizards domain. Gale was there again. I asked him what was going on. It said it might be the contact. I was scared that i would be blind again that feeling was horrible. I complimented Gale's orange board. Gale was very surprised his board was not orange it was blue. Gale then new it was the contacts. He said he would have to make new contacts. It maight tak a few days. Those few days were going to be horrible but at least I had a seeing eye dog.
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| | | TaylorFox00 Senior Fantagian
Posts : 296 Join date : 2010-09-08 Age : 23 Location : Sitting in front of Media Molecule's office until they release Little Big Planet 2.
| Subject: Re: Taylor's Story Wed Sep 15, 2010 8:46 pm | |
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| | | juliajuljulia Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1516 Join date : 2010-07-08 Age : 29 Location : Mars
| Subject: Re: Taylor's Story Wed Sep 15, 2010 8:47 pm | |
| np lol my things wont come out as often tho | |
| | | Nakira Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1137 Join date : 2010-07-12 Age : 27 Location : the groan zone
| Subject: Re: Taylor's Story Mon Oct 11, 2010 5:39 pm | |
| When's the next chapter coming? :3 | |
| | | TaylorFox00 Senior Fantagian
Posts : 296 Join date : 2010-09-08 Age : 23 Location : Sitting in front of Media Molecule's office until they release Little Big Planet 2.
| Subject: Re: Taylor's Story Mon Oct 11, 2010 5:57 pm | |
| - Nakira wrote:
- When's the next chapter coming? :3
I haven't started! OMG I FORGOT ALL ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Plus I'm in a creative slump. SLUMP. SLUMP. S L U M P .E D I T: Started Chapter 6, path 1! I'm too bored to write, so right now I'm sitting here eating kettle chips with pepper 'o' ( don't worry, I'm skinnier than a stick, so I won't get fat, lol ) | |
| | | juliajuljulia Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1516 Join date : 2010-07-08 Age : 29 Location : Mars
| Subject: Re: Taylor's Story Mon Oct 11, 2010 7:35 pm | |
| just wanted to say i cant do this any more im sorry but i dont have time and i suck at writing so from me: juliajuljulia officially resigns from her duty of writing this story | |
| | | TaylorFox00 Senior Fantagian
Posts : 296 Join date : 2010-09-08 Age : 23 Location : Sitting in front of Media Molecule's office until they release Little Big Planet 2.
| Subject: Re: Taylor's Story Mon Oct 11, 2010 7:38 pm | |
| - juliajuljulia wrote:
- just wanted to say i cant do this any more im sorry but i dont have time and i suck at writing
so from me: juliajuljulia officially resigns from her duty of writing this story NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO But its ok ! At least u wrote a chapter!!!!!!!!!! | |
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