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 Lost-A story

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kiki424
Passionate Fantagian
kiki424

Posts : 937
Join date : 2010-01-26
Location : Some where in a parallel universe

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PostSubject: Lost-A story   Lost-A story EmptySun Dec 05, 2010 8:01 pm

Yes a new story written by yours truly-me! Enjoy it! Compliments and critiques are welcome. (More will be added as time goes by.)


Prologue

Spoiler:
 

Chapter 1
Spoiler:
 
Chapter 2
Spoiler:
 


Last edited by kiki424 on Sun Dec 12, 2010 11:30 am; edited 3 times in total
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Oliver
Moderator
Moderator
Oliver

Posts : 4588
Join date : 2010-03-03
Age : 20
Location : *lights up a fire* yeah, trying to surivve in a fores.t *smokse a cig* il kill you

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PostSubject: Re: Lost-A story   Lost-A story EmptySun Dec 05, 2010 8:05 pm

I really like it, It grabs my attention. Post more when you can.

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http://sugar-icecream.deviantart.com
case1998
Senior Fantagian
case1998

Posts : 459
Join date : 2010-05-22
Age : 22
Location : In a AI storage unit.

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PostSubject: Re: Lost-A story   Lost-A story EmptySun Dec 05, 2010 8:55 pm

I really like it! My critique is you need more description. Like say 'then the bandits attacked us. There eyes lookig at us coldly. They were all dressed in black with knifes at their finger tips.' something like that.
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kiki424
Passionate Fantagian
kiki424

Posts : 937
Join date : 2010-01-26
Location : Some where in a parallel universe

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PostSubject: Re: Lost-A story   Lost-A story EmptyThu Dec 09, 2010 4:07 pm

Thanks everyone and I rlly appreciate the advice, case. Also chapter 1 is out and im working on chapter 2 which will soon be out


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Makkine
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Makkine

Posts : 2772
Join date : 2010-05-17
Age : 23
Location : Woah

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PostSubject: Re: Lost-A story   Lost-A story EmptySun Dec 12, 2010 11:36 am

I like this chapter. However, have you ever heard of the concept of "show-not-tell"? It's really useful and you should always keep it in mind, since your problem is mostly just description.
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♥cherry♥
Senior Fantagian
♥cherry♥

Posts : 436
Join date : 2010-12-09
Location : Up your butt and around the corner

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PostSubject: Re: Lost-A story   Lost-A story EmptySun Dec 12, 2010 1:14 pm

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