Hope- Part 3

Rainarrow stared at Shinelly. "How strange she came up with such a character, when space warrior Slimeii looked just like her." Jacov nodded. "Now that you think about it, Shinelly looks alot like her to." "Let me see something." Rainarrow whispered. She took the lilac out of her hair. And put it close to Shinellys heart.
The lilac started growing. "Impossible." By this time the lilac was the size of her chest.

"We..Have made a incredible discovery."
"The world of Slimeii is the same as ours."

Slowly she took the lilac out. "How?"
"..."
"Kidnapped. Amnesia."

"But shinelly aint a orphan!

"MAYBE SHES REBORN!"

Slowly the 2 silenced. Shinelly was fast asleep.

"Should we call Chaos? We can make her sing the chant."
"She can play the flute at the same time."

"Yes, we will call Chaos."
And the Lilac flew upwards to create a stream of light.

Critique:

Remember, Details! You need absolutely more details! The story is moving very fast, details will help slow it down. Show don't tell!

What color was the lilac?
What does Shinelly look like?
Explain the ideas more!

Its a bit hard to understand, thats where my advice from above comes in.

Keep Working.

Thats good! But the criticizer is right. I think you need more detail

pokeranger wrote:

Thats good! But the criticizer is right. I think you need more detail

Yeah, hes always right, I think he should write a story here. It would be very succesful!

That's a great story! Can't wait for more!

Thats a really great story! Can't wait for more!

When is part four coming up? I want to read it!

wow great story! cant wait for more