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 Heaven

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What is your favorite part?
When she slept
Heaven Vote_lcap14%Heaven Vote_rcap
 14% [ 1 ]
When she was in heaven
Heaven Vote_lcap29%Heaven Vote_rcap
 29% [ 2 ]
Other
Heaven Vote_lcap57%Heaven Vote_rcap
 57% [ 4 ]
Total Votes : 7
 

AuthorMessage
FruitCake
Veteran Fantagian
FruitCake

Posts : 4126
Join date : 2011-05-24
Age : 18
Location :

Heaven Empty
PostSubject: Heaven   Heaven EmptyTue May 31, 2011 2:02 pm

One day Christina went to bedIt was a late night she had just go in to her pantyhouse Sudenly she heard a Pop (dreambubble) Her toes and hands had been lifted in the air she Wondered what is happening when she woke up on a cloud confused
Part 2 coming next
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http://www.musicjams.forumotion.com
Kandi
Passionate Fantagian
Kandi

Posts : 852
Join date : 2010-03-03
Age : 22

Heaven Empty
PostSubject: Re: Heaven   Heaven EmptyTue May 31, 2011 4:34 pm

Um...

This story DOES have potential, but you have a LOT of elaborating to do if you want people to be interesting in reading it, or most of the experienced writers here are going to think you're being an idiot when you get all excited about posting a new 'chapter' (I'm sorry to say but the easiest way to get insulted on this forum is trying to write a story that's this short.)

You need to say more. I mean, you should try answering the question, 'Is this a good or bad thing for Christina?' for starters. Plus, you HAVE to write more than this. You should just type the whole story in Word and then post it.

Second, grammar. Have you ever read a book that doesn't have any @#$%ing periods in it? Just type like a normal person and not a second grader
And please, don't use emotes in your story.
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MsJoyMaeda
Hero Fantagian
MsJoyMaeda

Posts : 5829
Join date : 2010-12-13
Age : 21

Heaven Empty
PostSubject: Re: Heaven   Heaven EmptyThu Jun 02, 2011 3:55 pm

Question Question Question Question
You need to type more and need better grammar to make it more interesting. This more looks like of what a 4-year-old would write. Not to mean or anything. Plus, I see no periods anywhere.
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Makkine
Moderator
Moderator
Makkine

Posts : 2772
Join date : 2010-05-17
Age : 23
Location : Woah

Heaven Empty
PostSubject: Re: Heaven   Heaven EmptyThu Jun 02, 2011 6:00 pm

This story makes no sense. I am not even kidding. It is quite an achievement to have a 3-sentence story make absolutely no sense, and I applaud you.
-What is a pantyhouse?
-Who is (dreambubble)?
-Random pop is random
-Why is "wondered" capitalised?
-Why is the purple face sad?
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Abbey
Former Staff
Former Staff
Abbey

Posts : 1461
Join date : 2010-07-18
Age : 22
Location : IG @the.abbsta

Heaven Empty
PostSubject: Re: Heaven   Heaven EmptyThu Jun 02, 2011 6:54 pm

Oh good lord..
That was like, 3 sentences. Not even. I don't even think you can classify any of what you just wrote as a "sentence", seeing as how a sentence requires punctuation, which this "story" lacks.

First off.
This is way way WAY too short to be a story, and doesn't grab the attention of the readers at all. What is a "pantyhouse"? What is a "(dreambubble)"?

This seemed like you smashed some words together and called it a chapter. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be deliberately mean, but this..I don't even.
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nymphie
Passionate Fantagian
nymphie

Posts : 769
Join date : 2010-09-11
Age : 21
Location : Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Heaven Empty
PostSubject: Re: Heaven   Heaven EmptyThu Jun 02, 2011 7:19 pm

This story could have potential. Alas, it's only a paragraph, so really it needs work. Perhaps some more characters, a longer plot, work on grammar and spelling, and of course a better understanding of what's going on. Other than that, it's other stuff that you need to determine.

I'm really sorry if this sounded mean, it truly is not supposed to.
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no
Passionate Fantagian


Posts : 873
Join date : 2010-09-16
Age : 22
Location : no

Heaven Empty
PostSubject: Re: Heaven   Heaven EmptyThu Jun 02, 2011 7:44 pm

*blinks*
No offense but, what was that there? I'm gonna be kind and not point out the many flaws since it's already been done.
All I'm saying is that, this story could be a great one. It just needs a bit(LOTS AND LOTS) of work.
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