| | | My story [ Hope I finish it in a month ] |  |
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Blue
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| Subject: My story [ Hope I finish it in a month ] ![My story [ Hope I finish it in a month ] Icon_minitime](https://2img.net/i/fa/subsilver/icon_minitime.gif) Sun Jul 31, 2011 5:30 am | |
| Hi! I've written a story called Horror Nights. [ Hope its not too scary! ] And I want you to check it out. If you don't want to read, don't. I wanted to ask you if there's any changes I can make to it? Introduction.- Spoiler:
Meet Frederick Johnson.
I would like to introduce you to Frederick Johnson, the main character here and a teenager who is very curious and slightly superstitious. I would also like to introduce you to Angeline Johnson, Frederick’s sister.
They are not ordinary people. They, in fact, are wizards. Their parents, Angelina Johnson and Mr. Johnson are also wizards. So now I will be showing you Frederick and Angeline’s nightmare. The nightmare in the door to…
The Horror Night’s Mystery room
Chapter 1- Spoiler:
“Fred?” a soft, timid voice came from the kitchen in the middle of the night. Frederick looked up. He looked at Angeline’s bed. It was empty. He sat up. “Yeah?” he said. “Come here-quick!” was the reply. Frederick got out of bed and went into the kitchen. He saw Angeline, panic-stricken, looking on the ground around her. “STOP!” she cried, as Fred almost stepped next to her. “What’s up with you, Angie?” Angeline pointed on the ground next to him. “L-look” she said. Frederick looked down. On the ground all around Angeline and him were thick, black pythons. They were hissing. “What do you think this means?” asked Angeline. “Do you think we should use our magic and zap them away?” as soon as she said the word, ‘Magic’ the snakes stopped hissing and slid towards the bottom of the sink. “Hmm… ”said Fred. “ Let me investigate” he went towards the sink and peered from below. “I can’t see much-” And suddenly, two long tentacles pulled Frederick into the sink and vanished. “FRED!” Angie cried. She also ran towards the sink and soon followed suit. This time, both Angeline and Frederick could see each other. Only thing…. They weren’t their own self. Frederick was a young man, about the age of 17 and Angeline was a lady of about 15. “What is this?” she cried. “How and why am I a fully grown woman ”
And then it happened. A large, hissing noise was behind them. They spun around and saw a huge snake and spider. Only they were attached. The creature had a snake’s head and a spider’s body and the snake head swung to and fro and spat venom. Fred gulped. “We’re doomed”
Chapter 2 - Spoiler:
“How do you know we’re doomed?” asked Angeline. “Because, Angie” said Fred, “This is a Snake-spider and It is extremely dangerous. A bit of its poison and you are dead. It can also paralyze you and shoot sticky spider webs. I read it in our school book called ‘How to deal with extremely terrifying and dangerous creatures.”
“We need to think fast, Angie, or else-
But Angeline had her wand up and had said, “ Returbo!” and a silver-gold sparkling light came from her wand and the Snake-spider fell backwards. “I may be only 9 and you may be 12” she said, twirling her wand and smiling. “But I know some pretty good spells!” “We have to go” said Fred. “But where?” said Angie. There were 5 tunnels with boards above them in a language they didn’t know. “This way” he said. They both ran into the tunnel, just before the Snake-spider gained conscious again.
The tunnel curved and twisted in each and every way you could imagine. Suddenly, the tunnel came to a halt. “Now what do we do?” moaned Angeline. “I-I don’t know!” said Fred. “We have to go to another passage!” said Angeline. “Quick-before that monster wakes up!” but she had said it too late. A huge monster’s shadow was coming closer and closer, bigger and bigger, darker and darker. They didn’t know what to do. “Angie-do you have your spell book?” asked Fred quickly. “No” Angie replied. “But I could get my pet bird, Gold to get it!” “If it will be any help, then yes, call it now!” said Frederick. Angeline imitated the sound of a bird [phoenix, actually] and a magnificent gold,pink and purple bird put a bag into Angie’s hands.
Chapter 3- Spoiler:
The bird swooped down and landed on Angie’s shoulder. “Good little phoenix” she said. Angie rummaged about in her bag for a book, apparently. She found it and fished it out. Angeline flipped pages until she reached page “169. Teleporting charms”. She muttered a few words. “Intecario- zimeasus!” and at once, the shadow and the monster vanished and there was silence. Angeline looked around. But it seemed that the exit to the other tunnels had disappeared too. Gold was circling above her head. Angie looked up. “Look!” she cried. Above her head was a passage leading upward with a ladder they could use. “Why didn’t we notice it all along?” asked Fred. “How am I supposed to know? I just started reading my book of ‘hidden passages you can find everywhere’. “We’d better not waste time.” Said Frederick .
“ Okay”
They both climbed up the passage [with Gold the phoenix] and came to a maze. A complete maze. There were at least 10 doors. One door had one small dot. Two doors had two dots. Three doors had three dots, and four doors had four dots. In the middle of the room were three chairs, and a table. On the table was a triangular shaped dice. Sitting in one chair was a man with a hood, with no face to be shown except a mouth. “ Welcome ” He said with an evil smile. “ I’ve been expecting you.”
Chapter 4- Spoiler:
Angie and Frederick stood there, dumbstruck. “You have to play this ‘game’ if you want to get to the next stage and get back to your beloved home.” He said. Angeline found how to speak again. “ But how do you play?” she asked. “That- you should find out on your own” he said, snickering slightly. “Goodbye!” and he vanished. “How are you supposed to work this?” asked Frederick. Angeline was flipping through a thousand ways to work out a thousand puzzles. “Um… this game Is called Creeper-Horns”
“ what-er horns?” asked Frederick. “ CREEPER horns. You have to roll the dice, one turn for each player…. And if your dice reaches the door with one dot on it, the door will open to freedom. If you get any other number… all the doors with the number you have got will open and several different monsters will come out of them,… you have to be very careful and have to get number one.” Said Angeline, reading the book. Now, shall we start or stay here forever?”
Frederick thought. “Ladies first!” he said. Angeline threw the dice. She gulped. Unlucky number 3. All the three doors opened, and 3 monsters came out, rampaging and snorting like bulls. “DUCK!” Yelled Frederick as a ten-tentacled squid lashed out one of its long, heavy arms. Fred quickly picked up the triangular dice and threw it. Four. Great. Just great. All the four doors opened. Angeline hurled the dice across the floor. She ran to its place and found the number- a good one- a lucky one for them – number one. A huge door opened with and light bright enough to blind you was sending all the monsters back into the doors. “Quick! In there!”
Chapter 5- Spoiler:
They darted across the room and ran into the door. It shut behind them. Now, they were in a room. A door was standing on the very end of it. The door back home.
But they weren’t home. They were in a maze. Frederick looked puzzled. Angeline, however, was flipping through the same book a thousand ways to work out a thousand puzzles. “Er… its called Maze of Mockingham.” “Mockingham? Seriously? Are you mocking me?” said Fred . Angeline rolled her eyes up to the ceiling. “No, I am not.” She said, hastily. “ You have to see the symbols…. And try recognizing them… and go into the passage which you think is the symbol. If you go wrong, you will come back to the starting point again.”
“ And exactly why is it called Mockingham?”
“ Because this game was invented by someone called Mockingham.”
“ That is so stupid! This? A game? More like a maze to doom.” Said Fred, beside himself with anger.
Angie ignored him. “ The first clue is a picture of a compass… pointing to… left… and right…… so…. She looked at the left tunnel and the right tunnel. Then she realized. “Into the right tunnel! It’s the right way!”
Chapter 6- Spoiler:
“How’d you know?” asked Frederick. “ Because, loopy-head! This starts with left- and ends by twisting to the right.” Angeline pointed to the symbol on the book. “ Come on. Be my guest if you wanna stay here.”
Frederick walked with Angie into the tunnel, whistling at the fascinating spiders and insects. Angeline was not pleased. “It’s like you’re acting like my older sister.” Said Fred. “It’s the other way round, y’know.”
Both of them kept on walking. The tunnel seemed never-ending. The tunnel came to a stop. So did they. Then.. it seemed the ground beneath them was lifting… both of them were going up through another tunnel…. And finally landed into a cave with even more tunnels. Angie checked the book. The sign in the book twisted in a right direction now…. Then it twisted to the left… then it twisted so much it looked like a swirl. “The middle passage!” said Angeline. Once more, the passage was never-ending, but even longer than the first cave. Again it came to a halt. But nothing happened. No signs, signals, lifts, nothing. So, they were pretty much stranded. But then they heard a soft breathing. It grew louder. Frederick is curious, you must know, so he followed the trail of noise. Angie followed. Fred, after sometime, came to a stop. Angie did too. A huge black-and-red-and-pink-in-the-ears dragon was there, snorting what sounded far away, soft breaths but nearer, extremely heavy and angry breathing.
Chapter 7 - Spoiler:
“ The dragon’s part of Maze of Mockingham. It’s in the book” said Angeline, pale now, her hands trembling as she flipped through the book once again.
“ And exactly how are we supposed to defeat it?” asked Frederick, also trembling. “ Um- you have to use something to make it laugh. So it will start laughing and let you pass.” Said Angeline again. “ But WHAT should we do?” asked Fred, in anger now, forgotten his fear. Angie seemed to have forgotten too. “ YOU’RE the one who got us in here!” she bellowed. They had forgotten to keep there voices down, and the dragon was listening. But it didn’t have a look of anger on its face. It appeared to be very amused. “ THAT’S BECAUSE YOU GOT UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!!!!!!!” Bellowed Frederick. Somehow, they could hear laughter. Laughter. And it was real. Angeline was listening. But Fred did not care. “ WHY THE WORLD DID YOU GO TO THE KITCHEN? FOR A MIDNIGHT FEAST? OR WERE YOU INVITING TUBBY OUR CAT FOR A FEAST?”
“ I WANTED A DRINK OF WATER!”
“ NO YOU DIDN’T!”
“ YES I DID!”
“ NO YOU DIDN’T!”
“ YES I DID!”
“ NO YOU DIDN’T!!!!!”
But their shouts were drowned by voices of laughter. HUMAN laughter. Moreover, the dragon was roaring with laughter. He let them pass. They went past the dragon, much more happier and friends again.
Chapter 8 - Spoiler:
“ D’you know, I heard human voices!” whispered Angeline as though thinking humans were all around her. “I heard them too.” Said Fred. “But I didn’t care.” They walked down the passage, now much more scared. They finally came to a halt at the end of the tunnel. An elevator [ made out of mud and hard rock ] lifted them up. And there, was a room lit with yellow lamps. A chair was in the middle, and a huge, yellow monster wrapped with yellow-orange paper was there. Only its eyes seemed to be seen; the eyes were red. It gave a roar. It ran towards them. They couldn’t do anything but watch. They looked behind them. They found humans staring up at them. “What are regular humans called again?” whispered Fred. “They’re called muggles.” Hissed Angie. “I read it in a book called Harry Potter.”
“Okay, but I thought a yellow monster was dashing at us.” Said Fred, surprised. “ And we are in a white place!”
“ Don’t think I’m blind!” said Angie. “ I very well know-
But Fred interrupted. “ DID the monster get us? I think-
“ Think what?” asked Angie.
“ We’re in heaven”
But heaven was gone and they were in their own bedroom.
And in the bed, was a hairy, yellow monster and it took up the space of both beds, but it was awake and staring up at the two children.
Chapter 9 - Spoiler:
Both of them stood, horrified. The monster came up to Angie. She couldn’t run. She stood there like she was petrified. The monster whispered something in her ear and looked down at her grimly. He pointed at Frederick. Angie whispered the same thing in his ear. Fred looked stunned and amazed. “But how?” he spluttered. “I’m definitely sure its not true. I’m in a dream”
“Pinch yourself.” muttered Angeline. Fred pinched. It was definitely not a dream. “Come along with me. If you want to stand there, be my guests and let the vampires get you.” The yellow monster said. Both of them came quickly. The yellow monster led them to a stone dungeon with no lights and only the hard floor. He stopped and pushed them in. Lasers immediately flared up on the entrance inside. This trapped Frederick and Angeline. “Now what!” said Frederick. “The secret that person told us was scary… but this is even scarier.”
“ I know!” Said Angeline, shivering. “If I ever feel thirsty in the night again I would let myself die from water instead of going near the kitchen with a 15 foot long wand!”
There were small lit candles that gave them the only warmth, though. Everything was made out on stone except the ground. Angeline told this to Frederick gloomily. “ And there’s no way out. There’s no clue.” But Frederick hugged her and said. “We have to dig a tunnel underground to outside.”
Chapter 10 - Spoiler:
“Then we’ll get out?!” Angeline said. “Y’know Fred, it won’t work. It’ll take ages to do it… and the great ugly yellow-orange monster will immediately find out!”
“ Have you forgotten your wand?” asked Fred. “You’re the spell expert, you do it!”
“You just have to say Returbo!” scowled Angeline. Her brother did not know anything, she thought. “Returbo” and a huge [ as I said, a silver-gold sparkling ] light came out from her wand and made a deep hole in the ground. She jumped. Fred jumped. It was like a never-ending tunnel, a fifty foot one. Finally they landing on the ground with a large bump and scrambled to their feet. The spell must have stopped here- the tunnel had ended. Once more Angie shouted “Returbo!” and another passage was shown. They ran through it and were extremely tired finally. The passage once again came to a stop. The wand pointed upward… “Returbo!” and a big tunnel above the ground was shown. It was night. The magnificent gold-and-pink-and-purple-bird [ A phoenix called Gold ] gave them the sign to hold on to her wings. You see, phoenix birds can carry very heavy weights. So it flew upward and finally reached the surface. She landed on Angeline’s shoulder. Then- they saw both of them- The big yellow monster and the man with no face. Fred was angry again. He was not going back into those dungeons! Then, without knowing, without realizing he was supposed to do this all along- he shouted. “I’M NOT AFRAID OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Chapter 11 - Spoiler:
The yellow monster and man looked stunned and horrified. “ You have been keeping children in your grasp- tortured them and killed them- but not to the rest of us, you won’t!” Angie seemed to had lost her temper too. “ And you just want them to be afraid of you so you can grasp them in your hands and feed on their fear! Well, not to us! This is the last of everyone will ever see of you!” And Fred and Angie shouted. “WE ARE NOT AFRAID OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” There was a howling noise. Both of the monsters were screeching in pain and agony. “Have mercy!” pleaded the man with no face. “No, you coward! Now it’s our turn to scare you! WE’RE NOT AFRAID OF YOU! WE’RE NOT AFRAID OF YOU!” The more they shouted, the more the monsters pleaded. Angie was affectionate, but not this time! “ GO AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK!” she yelled. “BECAUSE WE’RE NOT AFRAID ANYMORE!” A huge whirlwind was blowing. All the leaves of trees were falling off and the only thing that was standing was their house. Angeline was surprised at this. The trees were falling, but their weak little house was not! But did she care?
“ DON’T COME BACK!”
“NEVER DO!”
“ WE’RE NOT AFRAID OF YOU!”
And the last howls were heard by the monsters.
Chapter 12 - Spoiler:
They were exhausted. They climbed into their house through the open window. They lay down on the bed and flopped off to sleep.
The next morning their parents were parading around the house. “The horror monster has gone!” she shrieked happily. “ It was exterminated last night. I would love to thank the person who did it, but nothing was found. Fred and Angie grinned. They knew.
They then went back to their own bedroom. “Yeah! We did it! But the scary thing was….we were trapped in a MOVIE. That was what the man with no face whispered in your ear, right?” grinned Fred. “Yes.” Said Angeline, stroking Gold. “I’m so happy we’re outta that horrible movie. Sheesh… all the muggles were staring… ugh!” She didn’t like being in front of a crowd of ‘muggles’ and everyone knew she was a wizard. They saw Tabby their cat pawing at Angeline’s leg and looking greedily at Gold. “Ha- ha!” said Fred, smirking. “Now Tabby wants a meal, eh?”
They both burst out into laughter. “I’ve never had such an adventure in my life!” Angie said happily. “I dunno when we’ll have another one!”
But Angeline, adventures will always come to those people who look for it themselves! See you next time Angeline, Fred and Gold! We hope to read one of your adventures soon!
Summary of the next book. - Spoiler:
Horror nights
Mystery of the vampire cat
Fred, Angeline and Gold have set off on a trip to Europe. But there is a strange something in the wizarding world in Europe….. there’s a vampire-cat killing all the wizards it finds. Eager to have another adventure, Fred, Angeline and their Phoenix Gold are going to battle the most deadly animal…. And they are going to take a huge risk.
To everyone who read this: I hope you enjoyed it. I will hope to finish the story soon! If its too scary PM me and I can change it.  If the writing is too small, just zoom in using your computer's controls.
Last edited by huny62807 on Tue Aug 02, 2011 9:49 am; edited 8 times in total | |
| | | | MsJoyMaeda
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| | Subject: Re: My story [ Hope I finish it in a month ] Sun Jul 31, 2011 8:33 am | |
| It's pretty good! Though, I found a grammar mistake in Chapter 2:
A bit of its poison and your are dead.
your are doesn't make sense. It should be you're meaning you are. | |
| | | | Blue
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| | Subject: Re: My story [ Hope I finish it in a month ] Sun Jul 31, 2011 9:04 am | |
| Oh thanks I'll change it at once.  | |
| | | | Relora
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| | Subject: Re: My story [ Hope I finish it in a month ] Sun Jul 31, 2011 9:25 am | |
| This is really good for an eight-year-old I enjoyed quite a bit. ^^ | |
| | | | Pommu-pon
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| | Subject: Re: My story [ Hope I finish it in a month ] Sun Jul 31, 2011 9:29 am | |
| I believe it is.. The new Harry Potter! Your vocabulary is much better than mine, and I've been studying English for nearly 5 years now xD So interesting! I can't wait to read the rest of it  | |
| | | | FruitCake
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| | Subject: Re: My story [ Hope I finish it in a month ] Sun Jul 31, 2011 9:34 am | |
| THE BEST STORY BY A 8 YEAR OLD SEEN' | |
| | | | Blackrose
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| | Subject: Re: My story [ Hope I finish it in a month ] Sun Jul 31, 2011 9:59 am | |
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| | | | alex
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| | Subject: Re: My story [ Hope I finish it in a month ] Sun Jul 31, 2011 10:03 am | |
| More adjectives, but overall, pretty good. | |
| | | | Blackrose
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| | Subject: Re: My story [ Hope I finish it in a month ] Sun Jul 31, 2011 10:04 am | |
| please finish it in less then a month [: | |
| | | | Katie_Forever
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| | Subject: Re: My story [ Hope I finish it in a month ] Sun Jul 31, 2011 10:04 am | |
| wow looks great good job. | |
| | | | Blue
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| | Subject: Re: My story [ Hope I finish it in a month ] Sun Jul 31, 2011 10:11 am | |
| Thanks i'll set to work at once! | |
| | | | mayanm
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| | Subject: Re: My story [ Hope I finish it in a month ] Sun Jul 31, 2011 10:15 am | |
| Awesome work! That's quiet good, actually! | |
| | | | pat
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| | Subject: Re: My story [ Hope I finish it in a month ] Sun Jul 31, 2011 10:23 am | |
| I skimmed and it looks good. | |
| | | | Blackrose
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| | Subject: Re: My story [ Hope I finish it in a month ] Sun Jul 31, 2011 10:36 am | |
| kk hope it turns out good | |
| | | | Blue
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| | Subject: Re: My story [ Hope I finish it in a month ] Mon Aug 01, 2011 5:50 am | |
| Thanks there r many chapters so I dunno when I'll finish it. Well, there are at least 6 left. It won't be so tough. | |
| | | | Guest
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| | Subject: Re: My story [ Hope I finish it in a month ] Mon Aug 01, 2011 5:54 am | |
| Awesome! You're younger then me and you write so good. Good luck on the rest of the chapters too! |
| | | | Blue
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| | Subject: Re: My story [ Hope I finish it in a month ] Mon Aug 01, 2011 6:05 am | |
| Thanks Finn. | |
| | | | Guest
Guest
| | Subject: Re: My story [ Hope I finish it in a month ] Mon Aug 01, 2011 6:10 am | |
| No problem Your story was wonderful |
| | | | Blackrose
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| | Subject: Re: My story [ Hope I finish it in a month ] Mon Aug 01, 2011 6:30 am | |
| hm we got a future JK Rowling on our hands! | |
| | | | Blue
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| | Subject: Re: My story [ Hope I finish it in a month ] Mon Aug 01, 2011 7:30 am | |
| Thanks when I grow up I hope to be an author. | |
| | | | Blackrose
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| | Subject: Re: My story [ Hope I finish it in a month ] Mon Aug 01, 2011 7:35 am | |
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| | | | Blue
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| | Subject: Re: My story [ Hope I finish it in a month ] Mon Aug 01, 2011 7:57 am | |
| Hi I finished the eight chapter now. You can read it! | |
| | | | Blackrose
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| | Subject: Re: My story [ Hope I finish it in a month ] Mon Aug 01, 2011 8:45 am | |
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| | | | alex
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| | Subject: Re: My story [ Hope I finish it in a month ] Mon Aug 01, 2011 9:40 am | |
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| | | | Blue
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| | Subject: Re: My story [ Hope I finish it in a month ] Mon Aug 01, 2011 10:13 am | |
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