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Usui
Hero Fantagian
Usui

Posts : 5275
Join date : 2011-09-09
Age : 21
Location : Worldbuscus

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PostSubject: Re: Book   Book - Page 2 EmptySat Oct 15, 2011 1:11 pm

valley_ball_70 wrote:
to Mr. Toast

what do you mean??

hon she's correcting you with the wrong grammer:)
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http://www.thepokemonland.forumotion.com
fantageroxs
Senior Fantagian
fantageroxs

Posts : 354
Join date : 2011-09-26
Age : 18

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PostSubject: Re: Book   Book - Page 2 EmptySat Oct 15, 2011 1:36 pm

cant wait for chapter 5
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Relora
Hero Fantagian


Posts : 6776
Join date : 2010-11-30
Age : 23
Location : Define "Location"

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PostSubject: Re: Book   Book - Page 2 EmptySat Oct 15, 2011 3:36 pm

YOU STORY IS FLIPPING AMAZING TEACH ME MASTER *looks up humbly*
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pokeranger
Hero Fantagian
pokeranger

Posts : 5452
Join date : 2010-01-29
Age : 21
Location : Loading...

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PostSubject: Re: Book   Book - Page 2 EmptySat Oct 15, 2011 3:38 pm

At least you capitalized~ Getting better :3
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elsa ♡
Dedicated Fantagian
elsa ♡

Posts : 1417
Join date : 2011-08-22
Age : 19
Location : i really don't know, where am i?

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PostSubject: Re: Book   Book - Page 2 EmptySat Oct 15, 2011 3:52 pm

I like it! Just a few critiques...


1. Grammar of course.
2. I'm kind of confused on what's happening.
3. You should explain a bit better.

' I walked into my classroom and saw a man dressed in black. He surely was not a kid, and he grabbed for me. I almost screamed when he stopped me with his callus-full hand. Surprisingly no other student noticed but the bully, Nadia. She smiled devilishly as the man carried me out. '
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Usui
Hero Fantagian
Usui

Posts : 5275
Join date : 2011-09-09
Age : 21
Location : Worldbuscus

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PostSubject: Re: Book   Book - Page 2 EmptySat Oct 15, 2011 3:59 pm

your grammer is getting better hon ;D
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foreveran
Veteran Fantagian
foreveran

Posts : 3906
Join date : 2010-08-26
Age : 25
Location : SKY :p

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PostSubject: Re: Book   Book - Page 2 EmptySat Oct 15, 2011 4:47 pm

cool Smile
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https://www.youtube.com/user/foreveran27?feature=mhum
Bubbles
Loyal Fantagian
Bubbles

Posts : 1823
Join date : 2011-08-28
Age : 20
Location : I dunno know. Guess

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PostSubject: Re: Book   Book - Page 2 EmptySat Oct 15, 2011 4:49 pm

cool good you you Very Happy
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http://justmeforeverx.wordpress.com
ValleyBall70
Regular Fantagian
ValleyBall70

Posts : 152
Join date : 2011-10-02
Age : 25

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PostSubject: Re: Book   Book - Page 2 EmptySat Oct 15, 2011 6:01 pm

When I grabbed my gear I was now going to how you say "borrow" the ball. The man looked up at the blue lighty walls. "Sir? Can I start my mission." I gulped. He twitched his eye a little than wiggled his terrible, skinny hands. He sure needs a manicure! "No not just yet, you have to promise not to flee this mission." The man said. "I promise." I smiled. Well as you know no one promises these days, so i crossed my little fingers and smiled innocently. The man gave me a horrible looking smile Mad . It more looked like he was constipated. "Okay now if to complete this mission you will be free and leave. If you don't, well I hope you loo good in prison orange." The man said. "Now hold on a bit. I am going to fail? Have you ever tried this? Can i please get ans-" "Child!! Why are you so needy and annoying?" The man said. One thing i hated was to be called those two words. Needy and annoying. Now I really was going to break my promise. I smiled evilly and listen to more of the plan Twisted Evil ......
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cyber_stoper
Junior Fantagian
cyber_stoper

Posts : 52
Join date : 2011-10-16

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PostSubject: Re: Book   Book - Page 2 EmptySun Oct 16, 2011 10:28 am

i wish i could write the next chapter ):
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Blue
Veteran Fantagian
Blue

Posts : 3257
Join date : 2011-05-04
Age : 107
Location : How am I supposed to know? D; LOCATING MYSELF IS HARD.

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PostSubject: Re: Book   Book - Page 2 EmptySun Oct 16, 2011 10:40 am

Awesome! I just love all the chapters. Keep up with the good work!
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Relora
Hero Fantagian


Posts : 6776
Join date : 2010-11-30
Age : 23
Location : Define "Location"

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PostSubject: Re: Book   Book - Page 2 EmptySun Oct 16, 2011 10:58 am

Guh please refrain from using emotes in your stories they are rather annoying.

Also when dialogue between two+ characters is happening you needa start a new line I.E.

"Sarah you are just pathetic" Rose said straining her voice
"Shut it rose I am in no need of your constant badgering and control just leave me alone"
"Psh if it wasn't for me we wouldn't even be alive" Rose yelled
"What ever..." Sarahs voice faded slowly away with every letter.

Much neater and easier to read.


Last edited by Aurora on Sun Oct 16, 2011 11:11 am; edited 1 time in total
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cyber_stoper
Junior Fantagian
cyber_stoper

Posts : 52
Join date : 2011-10-16

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PostSubject: Re: Book   Book - Page 2 EmptySun Oct 16, 2011 11:00 am

ugh! well sorry Suspect
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Relora
Hero Fantagian


Posts : 6776
Join date : 2010-11-30
Age : 23
Location : Define "Location"

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PostSubject: Re: Book   Book - Page 2 EmptySun Oct 16, 2011 11:11 am

That's not something you should be sorry for, it's more of something to use to improve.
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cyber_stoper
Junior Fantagian
cyber_stoper

Posts : 52
Join date : 2011-10-16

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PostSubject: Re: Book   Book - Page 2 EmptySun Oct 16, 2011 11:20 am

yah...
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alex
Administrator
Administrator
alex

Posts : 23506
Join date : 2010-08-10
Age : 22
Location : google maps

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PostSubject: Re: Book   Book - Page 2 EmptySun Oct 16, 2011 11:31 am

Whoa wall of text.

Yeah, what Relora said.
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cyber_stoper
Junior Fantagian
cyber_stoper

Posts : 52
Join date : 2011-10-16

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PostSubject: Re: Book   Book - Page 2 EmptySun Oct 16, 2011 11:33 am

mmm
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