| | Supernatural-Story by Cookie~ | |
| | Author | Message |
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Officer Number Two Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1781 Join date : 2013-03-02 Age : 34 Location : Interrogating a Gazelle
| Subject: Supernatural-Story by Cookie~ Mon Feb 03, 2014 4:52 pm | |
| Read, rate and critique, please. I've had this idea for a long time and yeah...it was hard to start. I finally did it though >.> - Prologue:
I see a young, strangely familiar 4-year old girl dash around the playground of a large park. Trees surround the uneven square of pavement, dotted with children of all ages. I don't know why, but that peticular girl, who's holding a teddy bear, catches my eyes. I stare at her as she climbs up the slide and clumsily falls back down, over and over. Then, without warning, a large teenager walks over. He's wearing a yankee's hat on his head and a t-shirt with a picture of a spaceship. He has a grey sweater and baggy blue jeans, which cover part of his black high-tops. He snatches the teddy bear out of the girl's hands and laughs. He mockingly tosses the bear to his friend, and the girl screams. My eyes begin to water, and I can feel the girl cry inside of me, like her emotions were really mine. I sob, and the young tot does too. Then something new burns inside of me. Anger. My saddness becomes rage, and I forget about the girl until I hear a human but terrifying roar. I can't believe it. That little, 4-year old child had made that sound, one that struck fear into any soul that was unfortunate enough to hear it. I see a flash of light, and I scream. I feel the energy rush through my body, straight down to the pulsing of my heart. Then the world darkens again, and everyone in the park is gone. Only me, the little girl and two very bloody bodies are left. The bodies, I realize, used to be the two teens that taunted the girl. Then it hits me. I notice the girl's silvery grey eyes. I notice her long brown hair. I even recognize the tattered old teddy bear. That girl is the one and only, Brittany Parker.
That girl is me.
Yeah not the best writing I'm like my dog with thumbs. lol | |
| | | Primrose Ultimate Fantagian
Posts : 8311 Join date : 2011-08-27 Age : 21 Location : District 12
| Subject: Re: Supernatural-Story by Cookie~ Mon Feb 03, 2014 5:13 pm | |
| - Cookie~ wrote:
- Read, rate and critique, please. I've had this idea for a long time and yeah...it was hard to start. I finally did it though >.>
- Prologue:
I see a young, strangely familiar 4-year old girl dash around the playground of a large park. Trees surround the uneven square of pavement, dotted with children of all ages. I don't know why, but that peticular girl, who's holding a teddy bear, catches my eyes. I stare at her as she climbs up the slide and clumsily falls back down, over and over. Then, without warning, a large teenager walks over. He's wearing a yankee's hat on his head and a t-shirt with a picture of a spaceship. He has a grey sweater and baggy blue jeans, which cover part of his black high-tops. He snatches the teddy bear out of the girl's hands and laughs. He mockingly tosses the bear to his friend, and the girl screams. My eyes begin to water, and I can feel the girl cry inside of me, like her emotions were really mine. I sob, and the young tot does too. Then something new burns inside of me. Anger. My saddness becomes rage, and I forget about the girl until I hear a human but terrifying roar. I can't believe it. That little, 4-year old child had made that sound, one that struck fear into any soul that was unfortunate enough to hear it. I see a flash of light, and I scream. I feel the energy rush through my body, straight down to the pulsing of my heart. Then the world darkens again, and everyone in the park is gone. Only me, the little girl and two very bloody bodies are left. The bodies, I realize, used to be the two teens that taunted the girl. Then it hits me. I notice the girl's silvery grey eyes. I notice her long brown hair. I even recognize the tattered old teddy bear. That girl is the one and only, Brittany Parker.
That girl is me.
Yeah not the best writing I'm like my dog with thumbs. lol It's really good, Cookie! | |
| | | YEEZUS Veteran Fantagian
Posts : 3579 Join date : 2013-02-16 Age : 16
| Subject: Re: Supernatural-Story by Cookie~ Tue Feb 04, 2014 9:42 am | |
| it's like 500x better than anything i could write at your age ok
i only really have two things to say which are that you only mention one teenager showing up to taunt the girl, but then at the end you say there are two bodies of the two teenagers that were taunting the girl??? i have a feeling that's a mistake but yeah. the second thing is that you don't have to describe what the characters are wearing. you can, but the only stories i can think of are usually ones where the clothing choices of a particular character hold relevance to the story. for example, in american psycho, bret easton ellis does often write descriptions of what his characters are wearing, but that's because it's supposed to showcase the way in which the narrator (patrick bateman) thinks as he is the product of an extremely consumerist, materialistic, shallow yuppie culture society, which is the major point of the novel, and the main source of it's satirical qualities. other than that, you did a really good job (esp for an eleven year old)! | |
| | | Officer Number Two Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1781 Join date : 2013-03-02 Age : 34 Location : Interrogating a Gazelle
| Subject: Re: Supernatural-Story by Cookie~ Tue Feb 04, 2014 3:22 pm | |
| @Prim Thanks @Anna's Banana Thanks for the advice I did mention the friend when the teen threw the bear to him, but I probably wasn't clear. I get the thing with clothing, it had no value in the story c: | |
| | | Yuno Regular Fantagian
Posts : 226 Join date : 2011-05-07 Age : 107
| Subject: Re: Supernatural-Story by Cookie~ Wed Feb 05, 2014 6:59 am | |
| dude you just rock when i was 11 i was just writing things like Once upon a time, there was a bear. It ate fish. THE END im serious if you keep this up itll be very good for you and thats coming from me who doesnt know how to praise anyone . . good job XD | |
| | | Officer Number Two Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1781 Join date : 2013-03-02 Age : 34 Location : Interrogating a Gazelle
| Subject: Re: Supernatural-Story by Cookie~ Sat Feb 08, 2014 8:13 am | |
| Hello again~ Thank you for the comments, they were very helpful. I continued it... - ”CHAPTER 1”:
I jerk up in my bed, breathing hard. I don’t believe it. I’ve had dreams like that, dozens of times, all about that same girl. For 7 years. Why did it take me so long to realize? I’ve been to at least 6 different psychologists and they all said that the little girl was a part of my memory. I once thought that I’d seen her somewhere and her crazy powers just made me try to forget her, that she had haunted me. Now I realize that that girl was me, and I was watching her relive my own horrible experience. How could I be someone who could murder at the age of 4? I was scared of myself, scared of who I really was all this time. Then again, who am I, exactly?
Shut up, Brittany. Just shut up. I think. You are you, that girl is just your imagination. I will myself to believe that while I take a shower and battle my bed head, but I can’t stop wondering: Is that who I really am? Or is that someone else? It just has to, it just has to…if a person like that is even possible. It’s not possible. I’m imagining things. Words and thoughts swim through my head as I slam my bedroom door behind me and walk downstairs. A breakfast of pancakes awaits me at the kitchen table, where Ophelia, my mother, is staring at some forms.
“What’s that?” I ask, trying to forget the dream I had. Ophelia looks up. “It’s about time you woke up. These are school forms. I’m going to take you to this school next week. You’ve been accepted, Brittany. So it’s about time I tell you…” my mother goes silent, and stares at me expectantly. I stare back. “Well? Tell me what?” I say irritably. I don’t think I want any more info for now. Ophelia sighs. “You know how you have been having strange dreams every night?” I nod. I always tell Ophelia about my dreams, mostly because she asks every day. “Well, there’s a reason you have those dreams-“ “I know,” I say, interrupting her. “I’m that girl who killed those teenagers. I don’t know how, though. Just a flash of light and boom, blood is everywhere and they’re dead…” Does Ophelia know what’s happening? Will she help me? Her voice is small, but relieved I’ve figured out part of it. “I’m glad you’ve figured out your dreams, Brittany, but…you have…a power.” I laugh, but Ophelia’s expression is serious. “I’m not joking. This school…It’s for people like you. People who have powers.” I roll my eyes. “Not funny, Ophelia.” Then I see her eyes well up with tears. Was she really serious? “Oh, sorry…I thought…” I stammer, but Ophelia stops me. “It’s okay, child, let me just tell you the story:”
Long ago, there were two special worlds; Magnus, and Melondia. Magnus, the realm of the bad, was filled with demons and devils. Melondia, realm of the good, was filled with guardians and angels. The rulers of each realm fought for thousands of years, and the dimensions they lived in were full of despair and destruction. Then, one day, a good and a bad decided to end the war. They sacrificed themselves, merging powers to create a new dimension, the one we live in. They created our solar system and their spirits became the rulers because of their great deed. They were the king and queen of the new dimension; although their powers are unknown. They stopped the war between bad and good by creating a new creature, far more powerful than either; monsters. Monsters are the cross between good and bad, and have more magical ability both. They also, by accident, created humans. They were just like monsters, only no powers. The two rulers kept the three dimensions safe from war for thousands of years, until a few hundred years from now. The goods and bads had found a way to work together to try to destroy monsters and humans, and that was by destroying their leaders. They now hide somewhere unknown, but legend says that the monsters and humans will someday find them and destroy the goods and bads once and for all. So now they have special schools for monsters and humans that know about monsters to train them to fight off the bad and good. Hopefully someday the remaining monsters will grow to become powerful enough to have success and peace once more…
“So that’s who I am? That’s why I never left this apartment building for 7 years?” I say, eyes wide. “Yes,” Ophelia says, eyes sad and her head bent down. “I’m a monster, just like you. I don’t know your power just yet, but you’ll find out in your new school. I’m just a recruiter, which is a witch that finds monsters and brings them to there. There are 6 of them where you’ll be going: Me, the witch of light, Opal, witch of darkness, Scorch, witch of fire, Rain, witch of water, Serena, witch of nature, and Wendy, witch of wind.” I stare at her, my mind blank and emotions numb. I don’t believe for a second that I’m a monster, that I’m special. I wonder if this is a sick joke, and Ophelia is tricking me just to see my reaction. She was probably prepared to see me doubt her, because she waves her hands in front of me and slowly lifts my fork without touching it. I gasp, and Ophelia makes it spin so fast it makes me nauseous. “W-what…how…” I say when she drops the fork. “Do you believe me now?” she says, grinning. I nod, still suspicious but at least willing to trust her. Then a question strikes my mind, and I realize something horrible. “Ophelia,” I say, my eyes glistening with tears, “If you’re not my mother, who is?”
Ophelia sighs. “I don’t know.”
Her words burn a hole through my chest, like a piece of me is missing, one I can’t live without. My mind is bursting with new questions, and I see more and more holes in myself. How could just one little answer cause me to realize I know less that I really thought? Even if I’ve figured out my dreams, that I have a special power, I’ve lost a lot more. I don’t know who my real family is. I don’t know what powers I have, if I have any. I don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve got information that has revealed probably one of the only true things I know about myself, and it cost me my identity.
Ophelia’s eyes water, and a tear drips onto her pale hands. “Please, Brittany. Don’t be angry.” “Why shouldn’t I be? You could’ve told me what was happening, I’ve spent 7 years here, stuck, terrified of horrible dreams, which only could be stopped if you could’ve just told me!” I scream, and slam my hands on the table. I feel a sharp pain in my wrists. I look down, and see that my arms are bleeding uncontrollably, jammed through the wood. Ophelia’s eyes are wide. “Your strength, Brittany, is why you must go.” She says. “Children like you-they do this too. It’s the first of September, Brittany. You have to leave on the 6th, if you want to go. Make your decision. They can get rid of your powers, all of them, and let you be normal.” Her eyes are sad. “Or you can become something more.”
Normal. Is that who I want to be? I pull my wrists out of the table, slowly. Ophelia uses her magic to allow me to release them faster. She heals them, too. Do I want to become someone who might someday be able to do that, just like her? Life, for 7 years, has been confined to this space, dealing with vicious nightmares like a caged animal subjected to painful scientific experiments. Now, finally, I have the chance to be free, and I don’t want to take it. I am refusing to be me, after being lied about it for a long, treacherous time. Do I want to keep my lies, refuse to face the truth?
No, I don’t. I want to know.
“I’ll go.” I say, hands shaking. Ophelia nods with approval. “Okay. Start packing. The bus will come in five days.”
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