Makkine Moderator
Posts : 2772 Join date : 2010-05-17 Age : 26 Location : Woah
| Subject: Storm poetry Wed Jun 22, 2011 1:46 pm | |
| - Spoiler:
I will fall and be tossed about like fall leaves in a bipolar wind tearing them apart
I will stay and be white-fringed like the ocean in a storm of sounds tossing it in play.
"Mother!" they shout. "Tell me a story of dripping water and saturated sights, of holding hopes and each other tight, of heaving chests in warmth-fringed wetness."
Toss a rhapsody in my direction, meant to be read aloud. Rs rolling like the weather, and Ds hit on like a drum.
Rivers of mud fall down the mountain, raging and fighting and stumbling on rocks tossed carelessly in their direction, like apple cores or bad ideas.
"Father!" they shout. "Tell me a story of emptied skies and greying landscapes, of decapitated trees and coming late from school or work because the streets are blocked with water."
Rain is shining like sweat on my skin, I'm gasping for breath in a shout full of warmth with a tee-shirt stuck to my back as the sun peeks its head out, precarious.
1) Do you feel like this piece has a rhythm? If not, what would you change to make it feel more natural? 2) Favourite lines? Least favourite? 3) Was the theme obvious enough, or do you feel as though I could accent it more? | |
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Abbey Former Staff
Posts : 1462 Join date : 2010-07-18 Age : 26 Location : IG @the.abbsta
| Subject: Re: Storm poetry Wed Jun 22, 2011 5:57 pm | |
| 1. I feel like it has a rhythm. I don't know - I'm not an expert, but it sounds really good. 2. My favourite parts were the first stanza and the fifth stanza. I really liked the "bipolar wind" line. I didn't feel like the second stanza was overly interesting, but it was still good. 3. The theme was clear. | |
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alex Moderator
Posts : 23507 Join date : 2010-08-10 Age : 24 Location : google maps
| Subject: Re: Storm poetry Wed Jun 22, 2011 6:22 pm | |
| [quote="Makkine 1) Do you feel like this piece has a rhythm? If not, what would you change to make it feel more natural?
A great rhythm, dear.
2) Favourite lines? Least favourite?
They're all great >w<
3) Was the theme obvious enough, or do you feel as though I could accent it more?
A little more accented would be nice ;)
[/quote]
Overall very nice. ^^ | |
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IM MELODY'S HACKER!!!! Featured User
Posts : 4132 Join date : 2011-06-01 Location : derp
| Subject: Re: Storm poetry Thu Jun 23, 2011 4:58 am | |
| 1) Do you feel like this piece has a rhythm? If not, what would you change to make it feel more natural?it does have rhythm in it
2) Favourite lines? Least favourite? all of them are good but my favourite one was the first verse
3) Was the theme obvious enough, or do you feel as though I could accent it more? The theme was really clear | |
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